Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Q & A: Multiple orgasm - do they really exist?

Q. I am a 38 yr old woman. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life but I have never had a multiple orgasm. Do they really exist and if so, why dont I have them?


Dear Jean,

We don't really know why some women are multi-orgasmic and others are not. Researchers believe most women can learn to develope this response.

According to Masters and Johnson, the female body goes through four stages of arousal:

  • Excitement - the vaginal lips enlarge and become lubricated, the vulva and lower part of the vagina swell and the upper paert of the vagina lengthens.

  • Plateau - the upper two thirds of the vagina enlarge and lengthen further, the uterus elevates and the clitoris retracts.

  • Orgasm - the uterus goes through rhythmic contractions, the toes curl and maximum sensation is experienced.

  • Resolution - the uterine contractions fade, and the heart rate, breathing and blood pressure (all of which steadily increased during the previous phases) return to normal.

Multiple orgams, a series of orgasms with no break in between, tend to occur while the woman is still in the plateau stage. Rather than the womans body moving from orgasm to resolution, the body moves back to plateau, then to orgasm and repeats.
Seqential orgasms are orgasm that occur after a slight rest period. The body must start at the excitement phase and move forward from there.

There is no right or wrong way to orgasm. If you would like to obtain a multi-orgasmic response you can try to sustain stimulation after climax. Some women find this painful so be sure you or your partner use a gentle but constant touch.

Q & A: Some tips on cunnilingus

My partner and I love to engage in cunnilingus, but I'm not sure I am doing all that I can be doing to please her. She is uncomfortable telling me what she likes or wants so could you give me some tips so I can be the lover of her dreams?

Thanks in advance,

Cunning lingus

Dear Cunning,

Communication with a woman is very important when performing cunnilingus in order to learn the appropriate amount of pressure she prefers. If you have tried to discuss this with your partner and she is uncomfortable, you will have to use her responses as your guide. Some women prefer not to have direct or firm stimulation on the clitoris until they are near the peak stage of arousal. Insertion of an object or fingers into the vagina or anus can enhance stimulation for some but is not necessary.

It is important to convince some women that you truly do enjoy what you are doing. This can be accomplished by the simple act of moaning or by performing cunnilingus when you do not expect reciprocation.

Begin cunnilingus with foreplay and gradually work your way to the genitals. The more time you spend kissing and touching her, the more stimulated your partner will become and her clitoris will be easier to locate as it will be hard and swollen.

Next, move your tongue slowly around the vagina and into it, lick softly around the clitoris, slowly bringing your tongue closer and increasing pressure as you come in contact with the clitoris. If your partner shrinks back at this point you will know to apply less pressure or to just lick the sides of the clitoris. Many women are so sensitive that they cannot tolerate direct clitoral stimulation. Alternate licking and sucking or use a combination of the tongue and lips.

Many women prefer to have vaginal penetration before they orgasm rather than continued oral sex. She will either tell you she wants you inside her or start to pull your body into position. If your partner prefers to orgasm from cunnilingus, this is the time to suck and avoid using the tip of your tongue on her clitoris as it will be very sensitive at the moment of orgasm and shortly afterward.

Q & A: How do I find woman's "g" spot?

Q. My wife recently began talking about an article she read relating to a woman's "g" spot. Is there any advice you can give me to find out more information on this topic? For instance where is it, what can I do to find it, etc?


G-Spot Curious

Dear Curious:

The G-spot or Graftenburg Spot is located in spongy tissue on the ceiling of the vagina toward the front. When a woman is sexually aroused this tissue swells to about the size of a quarter. You should be able to feel it with your fingers. Stimulation of this area can sometimes produce the feeling of needing to urinate for a few moments. Many women find this unpleasant and therefore do not continue stimulation. Some women... not all.... with further stimulation will ejaculate a clear fluid (Not urine) through the urethra. There are many women who do not find this to be a pleasurable form of arousal.

There are many books related to this subject that can be found in your local bookstore. I also offer a selection of G-spot vibrators in the catalogue to enable you and your wife to experiment.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Q & A: Spice up your sex life

Q. We have been happily married for 12 years. Our sex life was wonderful. When I look back I dont know if it was because we were young and hormones were wild or we had so little experience that everything was fun and new.

Anyway, time has passed and we are feeling that our sex life is routine and lacking fire! Neither of us had a lot of experience before we were married so we really don't know of any ideas to spice things up. Can you help us?

Sign us.....
Returning to Excitement

Returning to Excitement:

This is one of the most common complaints I receive. Long term monogamous couples say that their lovemaking is very predictable and lacks variety and excitement. Most of these people believe the only way to regain the passion they remember is to have an affair. This is simply not true!

Passion can be maintained in a long term relationship providing you are willing to keep expanding the intimate and erotic boundaries of your relationship. The easiest way to begin to change is to vary the time you spend making love. Most couples can predict almost to the minute the amount of time they will spend making love. This is partly to do with comfortability. We fall into patterns that have worked for us in the past and for many reasons, we stay there. Start with four distinct styles of lovemaking to relieve the monotony.

1. The quickie has an important role in the sexual arena. It will satisfy the needs of the more highly sexed partner, relieve physical tension, and add more spontaneity, especially if the quickie takes place in an unusual place. (ie. kitchen, backyard, automobile) It also affords intimacy within the space of a few minutes when time is short or there is risk of being caught.

2. Moderate lovemaking takes between 15-30 minutes. This is the most common way you make love. It easily fits into busy schedules and needs little discussion since both people are used to its familiarity. It's what most couples do most often, but if that is all they do their sex lives will seem unfulfilled.

3. Leisurely lovemaking lasts for 45 minutes to an hour and may need to be scheduled to fit into busy lives. This type of lovemaking could include showering together, setting a romantic scene with candles and lingerie, massage or a long session of teasing. Couples tend to do these things in early stages of relationships but allow them to become less frequent as time goes by. The wonderful thing about leisurely lovemaking is that although you may only find time to partake once a month, the feeling of intimacy will linger.

4. Adventuresome sex presents couples with their greatest challenge. It removes them from everyday habits and adds a sense of risk and playfullness. Adventuresome sex can include sex games, sex toys, erotica, shared fantasies, or food and/or ice. It can be hilarious or erotic, but will bond the couple together like nothing else.

In the meantime, remember to talk about new and exciting sexual turn-ons in an intimate but not sexual arena. Your partner will find it much less threatening. If your partner is resistant to an idea that excites you, find out why and be sure to explain why it is important to you. If you begin to talk about sexuality in new ways, new doors will suddenly open.

Sex games are as varied as the people who play them. There are many sex games that can be bought in stores. They can be as simplistic as the "Dirty Dice" I carry in my store. One die with 6 body parts on it.. the other 6 verbs such as lick, suck, kiss or hug. I'm sure you get the idea.... but they are fun to use occasionally and will definitely lighten the mood. So often couples are way too serious in the bedroom. There are board games that enable couples to explore fantasies or emotions and some that will guide you through foreplay, but it seems the best sex games are ones that are created together.

Fantasies that are shared and then acted out can lead to some of the hottest sex a couple has experienced. It is important to remember that for this to work both partners must be in total agreement. If a partner's fantasy is a total turn-off to the other, they will not be very cooperative nor will they be a good "actor/actress". Some examples of common scenarios are:

  • Teacher and innocent student
  • Doctor and patient
  • Don Juan and the virgin
  • Demanding master and maiden
  • Teacher and seductive student
  • Deliveryman and lady of the house

Many couples enjoy light bondage games using handcuffs or ties to bind their partner. As mentioned in previous letters, this submission is often the key to opening new doors. Inhibitions seem to disappear as one relinquishes control. You might also try a different twist on that same theme. Instead of physically binding your partner ask him or her to agree to do as you ask. Then request that he/she not move any part of their body adding a warning that you will stop what you are doing if you detect the slightest movement.

Start with a slow massage with light touches and tease your partner in all his/her favorite places. The longer you can tease the harder it will be for your partner to stay motionless. Progress to oral sex or intercourse very slowly but remain firm in not allowing your partner to move. Usually this is as much or more of a turn on to the controller and they often weaken before the submissive partner.

If you find exhibitionism exciting you can take your role playing adventure out of your Welcome.html and into public places. The sexy lady/businessman is a good scenario to get you started. The lady should dress in her most provocative clothing which may require a shopping trip beforehand if this type of clothing is totally out of character for her. The man in a conservative business suit. Go to a nice restaraunt or start with a walk through a mall... anywhere you can put on a show for all to see. The decisions on how far and how explicit your "show" will be is totally in your control. Discuss this before you set out, but be prepared to change boundaries as the excitement of the moment may take you to new levels of pleasure.

Using food in sex play can be very erotic. Feeding each other, using fingers or lips, retrieving food from the body of your lover such as whipped cream or honey can be stimulating to both partners. If you think that food is not erotic try renting the movie "9 1/2 Weeks." I think you will change your mind!

Try using eucalyptus drops in your mouth while you engage in oral sex.... for an icy/hot experience. Or real ice alternated with the warmth of your mouth can bring about some wonderful sensations.

Read books, magazines, or rent/purchase adult videos to get new ideas for sex play. Remember to keep expanding horizons, use your fantasies to take you in new directions, but most important be sure you both agree on a new activity before you begin. Something that works in your mind, may not work in reality.... but sometimes the fun is in the trying. Enjoy!

Q & A: Anal sex while pregnant

Q. Me and my partner have always enjoyed anal sex. We have been together for a while and are expecting our first baby in three months. I know people are supposed to have "cravings" when they are pregnant, but my craving is that I want to be fucked in the ass even more than I did before! It feels great, and I experience no discomfort, but we want to make sure that we aren't doing any harm to the baby (and I don't exactly feel I can discuss it with my doctor!) I find the most comfortable position is on my knees with my butt sticking up so I can support my belly properly, and this way I can get the most cock in my ass. Will it be alright to continue up to the time you would normally stop having vaginal sex?

Best regards,

Preggo Anal-Addict

Dear Preggo Anal-Addict:

Many women say that their libido, sexual tastes, and orgasms can change drastically during pregnancy, so know that your new craving is perfectly natural. According to most physicians, throughout your pregnancy, penetration (both vaginal and anal) with fingers is safe and with a cock is safe in low-risk pregnancies. One of the challenges of sex during pregnancy is finding comfortable positions, and it sounds like you've found a good one, at least for now---it may change when you get bigger. Your mate should definitely avoid deep thrusting and really hard slamming of any kind. Use a water-based lubricant, but be extra careful in preventing bacteria from the ass transferring to the vagina. Make sure his fingers and cock are super clean, or you may get an infection, which is often harder to treat during pregnancy. If you feel any discomfort during any sexual activity, stop at once. You said you don't feel comfortable talking to your doctor about this, but for the sake of your health, and the health of your baby, it's probably a good idea.

Q & A: How can I make her come from anal sex?

Q. My girlfriend and I have been having anal sex for about four or five months. In fact, the first time I penetrated her was anally. After that, it's been a once-in-a-while ritual where I get to have the pleasure of making love to her sexy ass. I enjoy it very much and she doesn't mind letting me have my way, even though she says she receives little to no pleasure from it. We use plenty of lube and always warm up with shallow and slow penetration, deep breathing and lots of communication. We now do it now once every three weeks to a month, which is kind of my problem. I'd like to do it more often, but not too much. I have two questions for you: How much anal sex do you think is healthy for a couple that wants to have a nice balance between the three major forms of sex (oral, vaginal and anal)? What kind of ways can I pleasure her when I do her in the ass? How can I make her come from anal sex?

Thanks in advance,
Booty Lover

Dear Booty Lover:

There is no mathematical equation to determine "a nice balance,"nor is there any common recommendation about how much of one kind of sex a healthy couple should have. Sexuality and our particular practices are extremely unique to the individuals involved, and therefore so are our preferences and how often or little we indulge in them. I say if both you and your wife are content with how much sex you're having, and the kinds of sex you're having, then why mess with a good thing? But it does sound like you'd like to add more anal sex to the menu, and your second question is the key to getting there. Because if you start to give her tremendous pleasure while you're fucking her in the ass, then chances are she'll want to do it more often. There are a number of ways to get a woman off while you're fucking her ass. You can play with her clit while you penetrate her, or if the position you're in makes that too difficult, encourage her to jerk herself off or even use a small vibrator. Clitoral stimulation combined with anal penetration is one of the ways some women can orgasm. If she likes double penetration, try putting a few fingers in her pussy or a slim dildo while you're in her ass; this often increases the sensations in both places. Experiment with different positions in order to find her G-spot. Many women experience indirect G-spot stimulation through anal sex. You want to angle fingers, toys, or your cock toward the front of her body to find and stimulate the spot. Also, ask her what she'd like to do to make it feel not just better, but fantastic. Together, you can discover what will turn you both on.

Q & A: I know it's not supposed to hurt, but it does

My husband and I want to try out anal sex really bad, but my problem is the pain---I know it's not supposed to hurt, but it does. I keep telling him that missionary position is not the best for our first try. Is there another position you recommend? I really want to give this to him, but I am still very nervous. I have tried to relax, but nothing seems to work. I'm thinking I need a lube that desensitizes the area. I know if I can find the right kind to numbing agent, then I will do just fine. Do you know of any?

Anal Chicken

Dear Anal Chicken:

You admitted being nervous about getting fucked in the ass, which is very common, but my question is: do you really want to do it? I sense a lot of reservation in your letter, and I am concerned that your fear and anxiety aren't the only things holding you back. Your desire for this must absolutely be there (not just your husband's), otherwise it's not going to work, and it will continue to hurt. You are right that it is not supposed to hurt, and pain can be the result of many things: hesitation on your part; not being relaxed; not enough foreplay and warm up; not enough lube. You need to take it slow, and have him open your ass with fingers or small toys before he even attempts to put his cock in there. As for positions, if missionary isn't working for you, trust your instincts. Maybe you should get on top, so you can control the depth of penetration, the speed, and you can move your body to get the best angle. Or you could try doggie style, but make sure he doesn't thrust all the way inside on the first time around. I cannot recommend any of the de-sensitizing lubricants that are available. Numbing your ass just isn't a good idea. If you can't feel anything, you cannot listen to your body's warning signs that things are going to fast, and you'll most likely end up with a sore butt the next day. Plus, if it's numb, you can't feel all the pleasurable sensations that anal sex can give you, and trust me, you want to feel those.