Monday, December 10, 2007
Not till I go blind
Dear Not Blind:
There is no rule to say how much is too much when it comes to masturbation. There are however, some questions you might ask yourself. Do you spend time masturbating while the world is passing you by? Do you masturbate so often that it is effecting your work or school performance?
Are you not looking for a partner, or seeking out your partner because you are always masturbating during your free time? In other words, if you spend so much time masturbating that you are no longer functioning well in society or if you always choose to masturbate rather than be with your partner, you have passed the point of "normal." If you have tried to slow the activity and find that you are unable to do so, you should seek out a therapist.
On the other hand, If all is well in your life... masturbation is a wonderful healthy release that will stem sexual frustration when a partner is not available to you.
Dear No Butts:
There are many taboos about anal sex and some are hard to overcome. The anal canal is teeming with nerve endings that afford wonderful sensations to those that indulge, but not everyone is willing to try it.
I'm surprised your wife will engage in anal activity with you while not permitting you to try it with her. Could it be she is afraid of the size of your penis compared to a finger? Or could there be a medical reason for her shyness such as hemorrhoids? You will need to talk to her about this in a relaxed comfortable environment... not while engaging in a sexual activity.
If it is fear of size or pain, you might start out with a small rubber dildo and see if she finds she enjoys the stimulation. Remember to use a good water based lubricant such as Astroglide or Slippery Stuff. Vasoline does not wash off easily so it is not recommended for anal sex. You should allow your wife to gently push against whatever object you decide to use, while you apply steady pressure. This way she controls the speed and degree of penetration. Also some people are extremely concerned with the cleanliness aspect of anal sex... she may want to have advanced notice of your intent before engaging. Enemas are not an uncommon preparation.
If you find that you are unable to discuss the subject easily, there are many books that touch on the subject and a few of my educational videos do also. You might consider watching one of those together which will afford you the opportunity to discuss different activities that are turn-ons for both of you.
I don't think my condition qualifies as "premature," but I certainly am quicker to come than my girlfriend would like.
Thanks for your help.
There are many degrees of premature ejaculation the most severe being, where the man ejaculates at the thought that he is going to have sex with a woman. It can also be defined as any time the man cannot keep himself from orgasming before HE wants to. That is to say if his partner requires 20 minutes of intercourse before she reaches orgasm and he climaxes after 15 minutes, he is ejaculating prematurely because he cannot delay his climax as long as he would like.
There are a couple of quick fixes you can try but I feel as though they take away some of the pleasure. Wearing condoms will sometimes make men last longer as some of the sensation is dulled. The same is true of the delay creams and sprays, while they do seem to work for most men, they also dull the sensations.
Learning the techniques for control is the best way by far. The techniques are simple but it does take some time and practice to achieve satisfying results. It is usually recommended that you refrain from intercourse while you are learning the techniques although you need not refrain from orgasm.
The first step is to be able to recognize the feeling that you get just before you orgasm. It is the moment just BEFORE the point of no return. For this exercise you must masturbate slowly with or without a partner, paying close attention to the sensations you are feeling. It is helpful if you do not use any lubrication at this time. Your goal is to slow down before you reach the edge where there is no stopping your orgasm.
For some men it will be enough to just slow the activity, others may need to stop completely, while still others will need to stop and squeeze the base of the penis till the urge to climax has passed.
There is a muscle, the pubococcygeus or PC, that when strengthened will help delay orgasm also. The PC muscle can be found on a man by placing a finger behind the testicles while pretending you are stopping the flow of urine. Once you know where the muscle is, and how it works, you can practice tightening it in sets of ten. The exercise is the same for both men and women, but in women it allows for the muscle to tighten around her partner's penis.
Shaving is used in many different sexual situations. It is important in practicing infantilism, body painting or transvestism, but is also used by tops to bring about submission and humiliation. The contrast of sensation before and after shaving is substantial and many people consider the added sexual pleasure of being shaved to be worth the effort. Unfortunately there is no foolproof way to avoid the symptoms you mention, but there are some actions you can try to alleviate them.
When you shave be sure to shave in the same direction as the hair growth. Try using lotion and baby powder to curb itching or Hibiclens, Neoporin or an apricot facial scrub. Cotton underwear will reduced the sticking problems.
Be aware that shaving causes small cuts in the skin and for this reason is considered a blood sport and an unsafe sex practice. Safety razors and sterile techniques should be used. Do not share razors. Do not use a straight razor unless you are a trained professional.
Touching a person creates a sensation from pressure placed on the skin. It is the only one of our senses that we can experience simultaneously with another person.
Beneath the skin's surface are nerve endings which respond to specific types of touch. Some nerve endings or receptors detect pain, others light touch, or cold and still others deep pressure, which seems to override all other sensations. Where these receptors are more dense, stimulation is more pleasurable.
As a survival mechanism our bodies register pleasure when we engage in certain activities (i.e. eating, nursing, sexual intercourse, and defecation). Our brain assumes we are eating when pressure is applied to the lips or tongue, that we are nursing when nipple stimulation occurs and so forth. By this natural process, we are able to become aroused by touching areas of the body other than genitals.
There is a simple test you can try with a hairpin and a ruler to find your most erogenous areas. The tips of the hairpin are spread from two millimeters to seven centimeters in distance and run along the surface of the skin. The object is to determine at which point one can feel the sensation of two pin tips instead of one. The closer the two points can be recognized, the more sensitive the area is to touch. The following is an example of the variances:
tip of tongue 1-2mm
glands of penis 5-9mm
post orgasm 3-4mm
Often women who are very focused on obtaining orgasm, do not have an inclination for sexual activity when intercourse is not possible. If both you and your wife are not interested in intercourse during menstruation, she may feel as though she doesn't want to get "turned-on" only to be left unfulfilled. It is important to relationships to learn to enjoy touching, kissing and other sensual activities with your partner without the need for either person to reach orgasm or without the pressure of feeling as though you must help your partner obtain orgasm each time. Talk with your wife about touching strictly for the pleasure of the shared intimacy.
Dear Too Slow,
The problem you are describing is called retarded ejaculation. Although premature ejaculation is more common, you are not the only man to suffer with retarded ejaculation.
This condition is caused either by some medical problem or a psychological problem. Your first step should be to consult a urologist. If medical problems are ruled out, a therapist should be able to help you. Often one of the factors in psychological retarded ejaculation is a relationship problem. The male is subconsciously 'holding back', most commonly from fear of involvement. Solving the relationship problem is the key to a cure.
HELP! sign me Aging Al
My compliments to you for being aware of this normal aging process! Between the ages of 40-60yrs men start to lose their ability to have psychogenic erections. The age varies with each man as does the stimuli that produces psychogenic erections. A whiff of their partner's cologne or a picture of a pretty girl was probably enough to trigger an erection in younger days.. but not any longer.
The solution is a simple one... your partner must now include foreplay for you, the same way you have used it to benefit her. Since this process does not have a medical name, your partner may not be aware of it's normal progression. She may even be feeling as though you are no longer attracted to her. Take time to explain what is happening to your body... and together you can explore the wonders of foreplay... foreplay is often as good or better than the main event!
There are no easy answers when looking at human sexual response. It is different from one woman to the next and some women react differently from one orgasm to another. There are no hard and fast rules, but there are some guidelines you can follow if you are familiar with the female stages of arousal.
It's easy when foreplay starts, to know if your partner is interested. She responds with easy to read body language such as returning kisses, touching your body, or her nipples will harden from your touch. As arousal progresses, she may moan, move her hips and her breathing will become more rapid. Her clitoris will swell and harden and she will start producing lubrication.
As she becomes more excited, she will reach a plateau. This stage is often confusing to men and some women who are not familiar with it. The clitoris will retreat back under it's hood and a noticeable calming will occur. It appears that the female has either lost interest or has had an orgasm to someone not familiar with the plateau stage. What is really needed is continued stimulation. If stimulation continues this stage passes rapidly and brings her very close to orgasm.
At this point it can become even more confusing to men. Males need stimulation up to the point of orgasm and after a certain point, they are going to orgasm no matter what happens next. This is not true for women. Women need stimulation up to the point of orgasm AND through it. Any deviation in stimulation will produce some change in orgasm. This means, if you stop stimulation abruptly, her orgasm will stop, slowing stimulation will slow her climax.
It is also important to know that just before orgasm, many women become quiet, and stop movement as they concentrate on their approaching climax. Don't allow this final stage to confuse you, just continue whatever it is you are doing.
It might be helpful for you to ask your partner to masturbate for you so you can see what she likes. Or ask her what certain movements mean..."when you arch your back like that, is it because what I'm doing feels good or are you coming?" If she is uncomfortable with direct questions.. give her choices. "Does it feel better this way or do you prefer this?" Keep trying to open a dialogue. The more you know about your partner, the better the sex will be.
He has very high expectations for it and I don't want to let him down.. or myself for that matter. Can you give us some hints to make it better for both of us.
Let me first take the pressure off of you. Most women do not have an orgasm the first time they have sex. You need to know that if this happens to you, you are not a failure. Good sex comes with time and patience. It is a process of learning each others likes and dislikes and also learning to relax.
There are ways of making your first time special, even if you do not orgasm. Sexual play with someone you love is not just about orgasms. It is a form of communication with your partner... the most intimate communication possible.
Im sure the image of your honeymoon night has entailed all kinds of fantasies. Be forwarned, if you are having a big wedding and plan on leaving the reception after dancing and drinking all evening, to go to a hotel for great sex, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You waited this long, wait till morning, when you are not so tired and can take your time.
Im not telling you not to kiss or hug or touch.. just not to feel you have to have intercourse because you are married.
Whenever you decide to have intercourse the first time, know that it will be remembered for its surroundings and ambiance.. not for the great sex! If morning appeals to you, have some champagne and orange juice in bed together.. maybe shower together and take time to learn how each others bodies respond to touch.
If evening is more your style... light candles around the room, play soft music and dance together naked, holding each other close. The more sensual you make your surroundings the more sensual you will feel, and feeling sensual is what good sex is all about.
The erections you referred to are called psychogenic erections. From the start of puberty to middle age, males acquire psychogenic erections from looking at pictures, reading erotic materials or just thinking about sexual turn ons.
As a man grows older these erections become less firm and happen less often. Eventually they stop all together. Be assured this is not the end of your sex life!
You will need to make some minor adjustments and so will your partner. If your wife used your erection as a sign of your desire to be with her sexually, you will need to express your sexual desire physically or verbally.
Or if you are not uncomfortable touching yourself in front of her, you can masturbate until you are erect.
Some women are uncomfortable touching their partner if he does not have an erection. Dont be afraid to guide her hand to your flaccid penis to "show" her what you want and need. Fellatio seems to work extremely well in producing good solid erections also, but if your wife has never enjoyed performing orally on you, I doubt she will suddenly start now.
You might suggest she try licking and kissing the shaft and head of your penis without actually taking it into her mouth. Most women who shy away from fellatio are afraid of choking or gagging if you ejaculate in their mouths. This might be a less troubling solution for her.
Most importantly, discuss the changes you are experiencing. Let your wife know you desire her as much as you ever did and show her in your daily life.
Much research (using baby monkeys) has been done on solitary confinement. When left totally alone, the monkeys appear to go 'totally crazy' but the addition of a cloth doll to cuddle and hold, eases them back to reality.
The need to touch and be touched is very strong in humans also.
Touching should not be confined to the genitals. Attention should be given to every part of your partner's body. Touching, rubbing, stroking, licking, nibbling all produce lovely tactile sensations. Massage is another wonderful way to enjoy the benefits of touching. Try lying on top of each other naked and enjoying the sensations from moving your bodies slightly.
Full body contact can lead to interesting finds of new pleasure areas. You needn't limit your touching to the use of your hands. Even playing footsie under the dinner table will let your partner know you are thinking of her.
Kissing is another form of touching that should not be overlooked. It can be done anywhere and at anytime depending on the intensity of the kiss.
Many people have a pleasure zone centered around oral activities. The sensations evoked from kissing can be so intense that many people kiss each other for hours. Most often kissing is a more gentle activity but when passions are high and the mood is intense, nibbling or light biting is sometimes included. Rough kissing is usually a turn-off and should be avoided. French kissing or deep mouth kissing is enjoyed by most, but if your partner finds it offensive, don't force your tongue into her mouth.
Of course we all know it is important to touch before and during sex play, but it is also important to touch at other times throughout our day. A welcome hug and kiss can be the beginning of an evening of foreplay leading to great sex, but it should be understood that touching does not necessarily lead to sex. Touching is a sign of affection and should be practiced daily to show your partner that you care for her.
Masters and Johnson's research taught us that women not only need more time to become aroused and reach orgasm, but also they need more time to come down from that wonderful plateau of peak excitement. So while you are still feeling the need to touch and be touched, your husband is completely satisfied and ready to go to sleep. To be forced to come down on your own each time you engage in sexual activity does leave women feeling 'lonely'.
Talk to your husband when you are not in bed. Explain your needs for touching and talking for a few minutes after sex. This does not mean you should take this quiet time as an opportunity to discuss children, bills or the new outfit you saw while shopping. This is the time to tell each other how wonderful you make each other feel and how much in love you are.
Think of afterplay as foreplay for your next love making session. If your partner remembers you complaining about the utility bill... his choice next time will most likely be sleep. Whisper sweet loving words or share a romantic thought and he will be coming back for more.
I dont mean to sound as though I am placing all the blame on men when it comes to lack of afterplay. Many men also complain about not getting enough intimacy after sex. Afterplay is an often neglected area of sexual activity and if both partners do not make a conscious effort to remedy the situation it continues, leaving a trail of unsatisfaction. Talk to your partner... it only takes a few minutes!
My wife of 13 years tried before we got married and never had success overcoming mental and physical obstacles that turn her away from completing this act. We do now experiment and talk about different ideas. We are able to talk about our desires and expectations and she has indicated that she is leaning toward improving her ability to do this for me. She even doesn't mind warming me up by doing a little sucking to start. She truly wants to finish the job, but it is like eating oysters for some people and guacamole for others. A mental barrier is pretty tough to overcome.
So, what advice can you give another woman about overcoming this inhibition? and...
What advice can you give another woman about "How to give a perfect Blow-Job"?
Dear Jacob's Wife,
The best oral sex, whether it be cunnilingus or fellatio, is given by a person who is turned on by what he/she is doing and wants to bring pleasure to their partner. Like anything else, practice makes one proficient. It is important to tell your partner what feels good and what doesn't.
If you have a very sensitive gag reflex there are a few different ways to help overcome this problem. Pleasure Balm is a product in the Kama Sutra line of massage products that is icy hot, spearmint in taste and has a slight numbing effect.
It is said that Pleasure Balm helps control the gag reflex.
Always stay in control of the action. This means you should always be in a superior position where he cannot control the depth or speed of the penetration. Use one or both hands wrapped at the base of the penis to aid in avoiding deep penetration when your husband starts thrusting as he becomes more aroused.
The time to practice relaxing and opening your throat (if you choose to do so) is shortly after you start fellatio, when your husband is not extremely aroused. Ask him not to thrust at all and concentrate on relaxing your throat as you slowly move down the shaft and take more of his penis into your mouth.
A good 'blow job' is more than just using your mouth for sucking. Your tongue and lips should be used for licking and kissing the scrotum, the shaft, the corona and the glans. In a short time you will learn which areas bring your husband the most stimulation and pleasure.
Remember it is not necessary to deep throat your partner in order for him to be satisfied. You should find techniques that please both of you. It is sometimes helpful to shower together before oral sex if natural body odors are offensive to you. Flavored lubricants can also be helpful.
If the idea of having your partner ejaculate in your mouth is not appealing, know that this too is not a requirement for great fellatio. You can use your hands to bring him to orgasm. Many men find it very stimulating to watch their ejaculate explode onto their wife's body.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
When couples role play they assume new identities, usually in accordance with their fantasies. It is a fun safe way to add new dimentions to sexual activities.
A major benefit of role playing is that when one takes on a role they can leave their inhibitions behind and `become' the person they are portraying. Imagine being the innocent school girl to your husbands role of worldly college professor. As he teaches the school girl how to make love to him, you might learn some turn-ons that you never knew about.
Or why not play prostitute to his role of business man in town for the night? This gives you a chance to wear clothing you would normally never dream of wearing or acting in a way that is totally opposite from the way you usually behave. You can be as aggressive as your fantasy allows you to be.
I hope you will give role playing a try. The possibilities are endless. I have found that once people start to get into their roles, the giggling stops and it makes for very HOT lovemaking session.
As popular as the missionary position might be, it has some major drawbacks. What most people don't realize is that in the missionary position the penis thrusts in and out of the vagina but usually does not afford enough clitoral stimulation for the woman to reach orgasm. When the male partner is on top, the female's range of motion is very limited, other than to move upwards to meet his thrusts, so she cannot position herself to receive the stimulation she needs. The easiest remedy for couples who enjoy this position is for the woman to add clitoral stimulation by using her fingers or by purchasing The Ladybug vibrator found in my catalogue. It can be worn during intercourse and affords varying degrees of clitoral stimulation.
Research has shown yet another drawback in the male superior position. It seems that the muscles the male must tense to keep his body above his partner's, are the same muscles that trigger orgasm. This limits the male's ability to control orgasm so he won't last as long and will further aggravate the problem of premature ejaculation.
When we look at nature, we find humans are the only animals using the male superior position. Do you think they might know something we don't?? It's something worth considering!
This problem's solutions run the gamut from the easiest which would be prolonging foreplay, to the more complex, which would require therapy.
Usually, the answer is somewhere in between.
Most often the answer lies in learning to relax with your partner and teaching him what you already know about your body. Since you know you are orgasmic, you should find comfort in that fact and make mental notes about the things that turn you on the most including fantasies, nipple stimulation, clitoral stimulation etc.
You can make this a very erotic learning experience for your lover. Since most men are very visual, your partner will most likely enjoy watching a demonstration of your masturbation techniques. You may decide you want him to be a totally passive partner or you may, after a while, choose to guide his hand in the movements you enjoy the most.
Don't be disappointed if the first time he tries these new techniques on his own, you do not have an orgasm. With your guidance he will eventually learn what you want and need. Don't be afraid to repeat the training sessions. I'm confident he will be willing to have as many of these highly erotic teachings as necessary.
While I will not say ladies should never fake an orgasm, I will tell you it is most often, detrimental to a good sexual relationship. Faking an orgasm can be useful only when you dont want to disappoint your partner if he wants to make love to you and you're not in the mood, such as a special anniversary.
When you reach climax, it not only feels good but also tells your partner he is doing all the right things to pleasure you. By faking an orgasm, you are sending the message that everything is perfect, but youre cheating yourself out of an orgasm, and possibly encouraging your partner to do things that are not enjoyable to you.
The most important ingredient in learning to orgasm is a relaxed atmosphere. This usually means a quiet time in your Welcome.html when you are alone.
Use a mirror to learn and explore your genitals. Become familiar with the different parts and notice the sensations you receive from touching yourself in different ways. (Some women love to have their clitoris stroked with more pressure as they become more aroused while others find the slightest touch painful as they near orgasm.)
Dont expect miracles in one session. You may need to masturbate for a while before you can bring yourself to orgasm each time. Use fantasy or erotic literature to arouse yourself and dont be afraid of trying a vibrator. Many women find the extra stimulation they offer very helpful. (There are other letters in the Ask Eve Archives on female masturbation if you need more ideas)
Once you know what feels good and arouses you, gently introduce this information to your husband. Your actions and state of arousal will spur him on and make him a receptive "student."
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
It is rumored that Cher, on spotting a scrumptious looking male, ordered: "Have him washed and brought to my tent." Unless you are incredibly rich or famous, chances are that you won't have the same ordering power.
But, with a little suaveness, you can achieve the same results. You can make the shower irresistible to him by seductively saying "Looking at you makes me hot - I'm going to cool down in the shower" and then dropping select pieces of your clothes. He won't be able to resist!
Do not overuse lotions and oils. While they are helpful in many situations, keep in mind some of their weakness: that they do not prevent surface hair from being painfully pulled (see above) and that they can be incredibly greasy and messy! Don't be part of the couple that gets all oiled up and passionately bounces around the house, only to discover in the sunlight that their hand, back and butt outlines are greasily imprinted on the silk couch and Laura Ashley wallpaper!
MAN MYSTERIES UNVEILED PENIS POINTERS
The biggest man mystery is that which is inside of his pants, the penis. Most women don't understand the penis because they don't have one and because men will never tell a woman all of its secrets. Without all of the information, a woman can't make the most well informed decisions and act with the utmost confidence. Therefore, you need to find out all that you can. Here, in this book, is everything that you should know and would ever need to know about penises - where they come from, what they like and dislike and what they hope for and dream of.
Sizing Things Up
It's common knowledge that men are extremely conscious about the size of their penises. There have probably been 'Long Dong' jokes around since the beginning of time. If you want your relationship with a man to withstand the duration, it is important that you respect this part of the male psyche.
Studies show that while most men overestimate the size of their penis, they usually have tried to measure exactly how long it is, to the millimeter. Therefore, when the topic comes up, you must be encouraging! Any attempt at humor, especially sarcasm such as "If that's seven inches, then the ceilings must be twenty feet high," will be disastrous.
You also need to maintain perspective (for the both of you) - that size is not the end-all and be-all. Penises come in all shapes and sizes, and each one has something special to offer.
One look at a 'discreet' catalogue will convince you that there are seemingly never-ending variety of sex toys, from strap-on dildos, to whips and chains, to colored, flavored shaving cream. As you peruse these toy choices, you will probably find that some make you laugh and others make you cringe in disgust. But you may find a select few toys that make you raise your eyebrows in interest, and those are the ones you should consider for yourself.
Tantalize with Television
Perhaps the most accessible sex toy with the least stigma attached to it, is the adult video. These are available at just about every video store in the US, so there is no need to travel into seedy parts of town or make special orders online. If you are still embarrassed, casually mention to the video clerk that you are having a bachlorette party, and all will be understood.
The two best things about videos are these: that men love to watch so they are an almost guaranteed turn-on, and that there is a large selection of titles exploring every type of sexual fantasy.
There is much more out there than the infamous "Debbie Does Dallas." It's suggested that you preview the videos in the privacy of your home, so that you can explore and then choose what really turns you on.
The man will be so amazed that you did this, that whatever you choose to share with him will get him excited too. Just be careful that your videos aren't sending unintentional messages. For example, if you show him a video with two ladies making out, or a trio of three men and a lady, he may think you are trying to tell him that is what you want. So, figure out what you like first, then take the lead!
If you plan on using videos, seriously consider adding a TV/VCR combo (with remote, of course) to your bedside basics equipage. If you are nervous about how to introduce the video, set your mind at ease because there are many 'natural' possibilities! If you are trying to casually start things with a guy you have known for a long time, invite him over for some drinks and a video. Then arrange your videos in ascending order of sexiness. When he arrives and asks what videos you have, rattle off the list and watch his surprise (And see which video he chooses!) If you are dealing with a long-term boyfriend or husband, simply slip the video in the VCR and invite him to watch a movie with you in bed. If you are after seducing a new man, invite him into your apartment and hand him the remote (or better yet, have the movie playing when he walks in.)
Scoping the Scene
Don't underestimate the importance of the 'scope'. Scoping keeps you attuned to what and who is around you, alerts you to future possibilities, and signals to others that you are available and interested. Your objective when scoping is simple - to locate the perfect man- prospect. Scoping is the ongoing process that starts with a general appraisal of your surroundings when you enter a new place. It continues after a pause when you have determined where the most action and fun is. You then move in the direction of the people you want to be near.
Once you are in a prime position in the room (where you can see and be seen,) you can continue to scope for interesting people and prospects. The entire process is subtle, as your glances are very short and not obvious. Scoping should not make anyone feel uncomfortable or 'hunted'. Scoping can, and should, occur anywhere and everywhere - at grocery stores, church meetings, rock concerts, bars, on the street, and everywhere in between.
Ready, Scope, Aim ... Fire!
If you have successfully completed your scoping objective and have located an attractive man that you want to get to know better, it is time to move into phase two. In phase two, your objective is to make initial contact with your handsome man prospect. To do this, catch his eye, look directly at him for a few seconds, smile slightly, and then look away. Repeat this process the next time you glance in his direction and find him looking at you. This back-and-forth fleeting eye contact can potentially continue for embarrassingly long periods of time.
If he doesn't make the first move, or if you like to, facilitate the action. Consider finding a reason to walk by him or to stand close to him (such as going to the bar to get a drink.)
If he is an especially hot prospect, consider buying him a drink (this can be alcohol, coffee, or whatever is appropriate.) To do this, you can enlist the help of a waiter or waitress (but be sure the drink gets to the right person!) Or, you can boldly present the drink to him yourself with a casual introduction such as "Here, I thought you might like this." If you choose to deliver the drink in person, be prepared for him to be caught off- guard, and perhaps even stunned.
Therefore, it is especially important for you to have some conversation topics ready and some opening/leading lines on the tip of your tongue. (See next section for line suggestions.)
Now that you have completed phase two and are in direct contact with your man prospect, it is important to stay alert and to investigate. He is actually there in front of you! So, while you are engaging him in some small talk, examine how you are feeling. Get past your nervous, racing heart and determine your attraction for this man. Do you want to pursue this prospect any further?
Perhaps your answer is no, in which case, find a polite way to back away and return to scoping. Maybe you are unsure, and decide to take it slowly. However, if you determine, "Heck yes! I want this man in my bed tonight!" then let him know it. Remember that you are determining your destiny, and can be in control of this situation. All it will take is a semi-subtle cue for the man to understand what you want - but why not make your cue/ line memorable and clever? Consider specializing your 'leading line' to fit what you already know about your prospect.
While the variations are endless, here are a few samples:
To the surfer dude who believes in the never-ending summer: "Can I see your tan line?"
To the investment banker: " You are really cut-up! How often do you work out? Can I touch your muscle?" (This also works for the Harley Davidson types!)
To the photographer: "Do you want to see all of me in the best light?"
To the still wanna-be hippie professor: "You really have a peace sign tattooed on your backside?"
To the intellectual: "Let's head back to my place, have some coffee and discuss (your favorite classic book.)"
To the hip hopster, or hip hopster wanna-be: "You want to go back to ma pad for some jiggly wiggly?"
The point being, that if you are interested, let him know. You shouldn't need a diagram to get the point across. If he is also interested, he'll catch your drift.
Book the Hook - Up
You've scoped, you've made contact with an attractive man, and charmed, or at least amused him, with some clever lines and conversation. So now, complete your mission and book your hook-up.
Your new sexual persona dictates that you make decisions and determine what moves to make. You are willing to take some risks to find out what you want and like. However, this does not mean that you have lost your feminine prerogative to change your mind! If you are right outside your door, or even in your bedroom, and you decide he is not what you want, find a way to politely say goodnight, and then move on without looking back (Although, it is strongly recommended that you do this before you are in the bedroom.)
If you do want to move the action along, subtlety works best. Casual hints like rubbing your finger back and forth over your lips or neckline will get his body heat rising. You should also look for opportunities to slip in a good lead-in line. Men, who may play cool, but are often nervous themselves, will sometimes throw out lines such as "I'm not looking for anything serious, just to have fun." They do this to test the water, and when you respond with a likewise sentiment, they are confident to get the ball rolling!
TIPS TO REMEMBER
Now that you look fantastic, your place is ready for action, and you've located the man of your dreams, don't blow it with a little slip of the tongue or overlooked detail! Shoot for excellence and for providing the ultimate experience. The sexual arena is one place that men always try to show perfection. Keep in mind that you probably wont get kudos from a man for having food in the fridge, but you will get them if you help him have an all- around fabulous experience. So, while some of the following tips may seem obvious or inconsequential to you, they are still worth keeping in mind.
Any lady who grew up with a brother knows that even if men look and talk tough, there is one thing that will almost always make them squirm - girl talk. Therefore, save the girl talk for your girl friends. Don't in anyway discuss things like periods, yeast infections, hair removal, mole removal, control-top pantyhose, rashes etc. And that means don't allude to them either! Men aren't completely stupid - they know what Mr. Monthly is!!
Bites that Delight
When the passion rises, kisses sometimes turn into nibbles. Kisses should never turn into bites. If you do nibble, do so gently and only occasionally. If you leave any kind of mark, such as a hickey or teeth marks, you've gone too far. More exciting and effective alternative ways of giving pleasure later ...
A Hairy Subject
Do you want a man to reach across the table, shove his hand in your hair and scruff it all around? As most women say no, so do most men. Men are often surprisingly concerned with their hair, and can be very particular about the way it is styled. Perhaps he has layered his hair with gel and would be embarrassed if you feel it. Or maybe he's carefully combed the hairs to cover his glaring (at least to him) bald spot. Don't risk upsetting him, and save the hair tousling for private.
Also demonstrate thoughtfulness with a man's body hair. If you are licking or massaging any hairy body part, do it gently so as not to painfully pull any of the hairs. In massages, a good rule is to concentrate on the muscle, and not on the surface.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Guido on Abortion
the whole topic of abortion is (of course) a very contentious area, where religious beliefs, science and personal feelings are all components of a huge "mix" of conflicting ideas and emotions, defying our attempts to be rational and objective.
some people would have you believe that life begins at the moment of conception, others when the egg implants, or, by the arbitrary "legal deadline" for abortion, or, when the fetus in theory can sustain its own life (needing only nourishment), etc., etc.
one remote south american tribe (with no modern methods of birth-control) was discovered to allow the father to practice "birth-control" up to the 1st birthday of the child! after the child's first birthday such an act was considered murder.
which of all these options is right or wrong? at what point does "preventing life" become "taking life"? we probably all have varying opinions on this, but of course opinion isn't fact and definitive facts seem to be hard to come by.
without doubt, any answer we come up with (in a practical situation) is at best an uncomfortable, compromised one, often based on fear and/or material considerations ... all the more reason not to put ourselves in the awful position (of HAVING to decide) in the first place!
bottom line is ... next time we are flippant about birth-control, we should stop and consider the possible consequences, and the decision we might ultimately be forced to make and live with (one way OR the other) for the rest of our lives!
this is definitely an area where prevention is a LOT better than "cure".
Brandye on Being Late
I'll answer both personally and medically. As a teen, the interval between my periods varied from two weeks to six weeks. As I aged, this finally stabilized when I was about 17. Pretty typical.
I have patients who have four periods a year irregularly and I have them who have periods every two weeks. Those two are in treatment. Extreme physical stress (sport training) can cause the period to stop for months - even a year or more.
For teens a very broad range is normal. After one gets all the hormones balanced, individual, typical women may vary three days or so either side of the expected date. Illness, stress or medication can cause this to vary. Women who vary are often put on the pill to regulate the system. This is medication with contraception as a by-product.
For the last several years (in my 30s), every fourth Tuesday, I feel crappy and every fourth Friday, there it is.
Brandye on Condoms
Latex is very abrasive at a microscopic level. A "normal" session is probably not an issue. One of those marathons that universities seem to generate can leave a woman downright sore. The polyethylene are much smoother and cause less wear and tear. This also makes them preferable for anal sex.
Do not ignore female condoms. They are more expensive, look a bit strange in place and require some practice. On the plus side, the male actually slides inside them and often will notice them less than a sheath firmly surrounding him. Also try, with either regular or female condoms, a teaspoonful of spermicidal lubricant inside the condom. It does add a bit of protection but also allows the man to slide a little adding to the feeling.
I use female condoms once in a great while. I find them very satisfactory if he has already brought me off. They do cover the inner labia and reduce friction that pulls the clitoral hood so I lose a bit of sensation with them. The female condom can be in place for digital stimulation but you would have to add it after oral. Insertion will have to be the woman's job unless you train him.
Mrlink on Spermicides
Check out this link to the site info on Vaginal Spermicides and other forms of birth control.
In answer to your questions:
Vaginal spermicides come in three basic forms: creams, foams, and jellies.
Cream and jelly spermicides should never be used by themselves and are really only effective when combined with a conventional barrier method (i.e., condom, diaphragm, etc.). Foam spermicide can be used on its own, and if always used properly is around 95% effective. However, many people have difficulties using foam spermicide correctly every time they have sex. Some users do not completely fill the applicator ... others forget to shake the can. So, for a typical user, the effectiveness of foam spermicide is around 80% or less.
Spermicidal creams and jellies should be applied to the inside of a woman's cervical cap or diaphragm.
Always consult a physician before choosing any birth control method.
Vaginal spermicides tend to be very inconvenient. They must be applied no more than 20 minutes prior to intercourse. This requires a woman to always have to carry the spermicide and applicator with her whenever there is a possibility of vaginal intercourse.
Another limitation of spermicides is that they have a chemical taste and can be a nuisance during oral sex.
Some couples have found that spermicides provide too much lubrication, making intercourse less pleasurable.
If an allergic reaction is experienced (a rash or itchiness is a sign of this), then the use of that spermicide should be discontinued.
Most drugstores should carry these items - try a larger drugstore or ask the pharmacist.
Brandye on the Menstrual Cycle
The menstrual cycle is paced by two female hormones that are released into the bloodstream in varying combinations over the course of the month. At one mix, they start your period; at another mix they release an egg. The rest of the time they are moving back between those two events.
Let's follow a 28 day cycle - mine, perhaps. The first day of your flow is Day 1. At that time there is relatively more progestin and less estrogen. An egg has not attached to the wall of the uterus, so it sloughs off. That flow is the nutrients ready to help an embryo form if a fertilized egg arrives. If not, it is disposed of. For the first several days of the cycle, the flow continues. During this time there is a relatively low chance of pregnancy. As the flow ends, the two homones are reversing their mix gradually and after a fortnight, the estrogen peaks and the progestin bottoms out. That is the signal for the egg to leave the ovary and start its trip down the fallopian tubes. This is the time of greatest likelihood of becoming pregnant. It takes the egg a couple days to make it to the uterus. In the absence of sperm to fertilize it, the egg dies and passes on through. At the same time the two hormones begin reversing themselves, again, until at the end of the second fortnight, the flow begins again.
So the most likely time to become pregnant is half way between the two "first days" and the least likely is during the flow. The fertile period for the woman is about two days or a bit more; sperm may live up to two days in the uterus and fallopian tubes. So, at a minimum, you should abstain for about a week or one-quarter of your cycle.
The "rhythm method" is based upon the calendar, counting days. If 100 women use this as their only "protection," 40 + will become pregnant in a year. See the birth control section under natural methods. The basal temperature method involves taking your temperature every day and refining the calendar method by the body's temperature. It is a bit more effective but 20 of those women will still become pregnant. The most sophisticated of the natural techniques requires training, preferably including your partner, identifying the mucous plug that forms in the cervical os. It is rather involved and still not as reliable as most hormonal methods (pill, patch, implant) and not much better than barriers and spermicides, alone.
The natural methods are appropriate for stable relationships where pregnancy will be, perhaps, inconvenient but not a major upset. In the stable relationships, postponing sex for a week is no big deal. In most youthful romances, this is not likely.
Inspite of the above, women have become pregnant on every single day of a cycle, including during their periods. That is why I say the most likely time to become pregnant is when there is a bare penis in the vagina. In women whose period is erratic, so is ovulation. It is simply not adequately predictable for most young women to take a chance with unprotected sex.
Look at your calendar. Identify your last two "first days." Those are your least fertile days. Half way between them is your most fertile time.
Brandye on the Morning-after Pill
There are two approaches labelled as "morning after pill." One is Mifeprex or RU-486 and the other is a combination of regular birth control pills packaged in doses for this purpose. Only some brands are approved for this use. In all cases, the sooner the better. Mifestrone is used up to the time the first period is due; the birth control pills within 48 hours of intercourse. As directed, each is about 75% effective. That is three of four pregnancies are aborted.
I always have prepared packets of regular pills available for patients. I have never presecribed Mifeprex. In either case, the woman will be nauseous and ill feeling for a day or two. Worse with the Mifeprex.
Any woman who tries either of these should be prepared to follow up with a mechanical abortion if the pill does not work. They are intended to kill the fetus and, when not successful, will likely cause damage and deformity.
There are also "natural" or herbal abortifaceants. DON'T!! Yes, they have been used successfully for thousands of years. They have also been killing women and deforming babies for that period of time. They are, by definition, poisons. If they do not create spontaneous abortion, they WILL cause deformity of the fetus. If you try and fail with an herbal approach, you must have a mechanical abortion.
Some women who have both had an abortion and, on another occasion, used the pill approach say they would rather have the abortion.
Believe me, folks, you want to prevent the pregnancy; not terminate it. Once you have missed your period, the choices are limited and all undesireable.
Brandye on Effectiveness of Contraception
I have been reading the questions here for several months and have read the birth control information at "home" here at Sexinfo. Some questions repeat themselves and some data are wrong. For instance, the home page reference shows that withdrawal is more effective than a diaphragm and nearly as effective as condoms! Not so.
First: How is the effectiveness of birth control determined? This is done per 100 sexually active (once or more per week) using whatever form of protection for a year. As an example, if 100 women are active for a year with no protection whatever, 85+ of them will become pregnant.
Now for the various techniques. The little pamphlets and stuff that manufactureres distribute often show "theoretical effectiveness" but there is a great difference between theory and practice. The figures here are a compendium of various litereature and websites giving the best available real life experience.
Abstinence is the only 100% effective technique. I guess mutual masturbation would be right there, also, but as pleasant as this can be, it often leads to the next step. Be ready.
The hormonal approaches are the most effective - The Pill, The Shot, Implants. These have a theoretical effectiveness of 99% but in real life tests come in between 93 and 99 percent. That means that of every 100 women on the pill, about five will become pregnant in any given year. The reasons? pills are missed - this is the greatest problem and with today's low dosage, one pill missed can be critical. Other medication can interfere with hormonal techniques. Many anti-biotics cancel hormone contraception. My girlfriend is a midwife and just delivered twins to a woman on the pill! A consultant (specialist) prescribed an anti-biotic and did not warn her to use other protection. If you are prescribed anything, especially anti-biotics, tell the physician you are on the pill. Many dietary supplements can have a similar effect. Vitamin E should not be taken at the same time as the pill. If you take vitamin E, do it twelve hours apart from the pill. Discuss other dietary supplements before you take them while on any of the hormonal contraceptives.
Even 1 woman in 10,000 who has had her tubes tied will become pregnant! and one in 10,000 men who has a vasectomey will become a father!
Condoms are about 85% effective. That means fifteen of our 100 women will become pregnant using condoms properly. The problems here are beakage and leaking. The leaking I refer to is around the top. If you linger or try another go, semen will work its way out and into your vagina.
The chemical or spermicidal approaches alone are about 80% effective. So, twenty of our women will become pregnant using vaginal cream, foam, film, etc. It may have missed a spot or a particularly healthy sperm might swim too far, too fast without coming into contact with spermicide. If he makes it through the cervical os, he is home free. And if the ejaculate hits square on, many of them in the center of the squirt will be there!
Female barrier techniques are about as effective as the condom. That is the female condom, diaphragm or cervical cap. All three should be used with spermicide. In some studies, sperm have been found in the vagina more frequently with the female condom than with regular condoms. Sperm will be there when the diaphragm or cervical cap are used. You are depending upon the barrier to keep them out of the cervical os so the spermicide can do its job. Both the diaphragm and cervical cap must beft in place for several hours.
The sponge is a variant on these and has about the same effectiveness. It needs no prescription and can be effective for multiple times if left in place.
The flexible menstrual cup (Instead) is used by some women similarly to a cervical cap. It is not recommended for this purpose but is really not much different. A proble with these, as with the cervical cap, is that they can be moved away with penile thrusting.
Withdrawal is difficult to measure because there is no way to control the measurement. In all tests where vaginal fluids have been tested closely after withdrawal, sperm has been present in various numbers. Sometimes very few and sometimes a lot. Best guess is that withdrawal will leave about 50 of our favorite hundred women pregnant.
Anal sex is an alternative. Cetainly it reduces the number of sperm who find their way "in." but most of the ejaculate will drain out and be less than an inch from the vaginal entrance. Oral keeps them well away. No woman ever got pregnant being eaten or giving head. If that is the only sexual activity. Rubbing the penis against the vulva also reduces the number of sperm to get into you. If the shot does not come right at your vaginal entrance.
OK, so what do I recommend? To my young, especially teenaged, patients I recommend that whenever the penis is in view it be covered with a condom and before it gets close to the pubic area, there be spermicid in the vagina. It is also a good idea to place a small gob of vaginal jelly inside the condom. This forms a seal against the little buggers swimming around the end.
I made the mistake (and was lucky) of occasionally going bare during my period. Theoretically, this is not a time of fertility. In young women, however, whose periods are stil a bit variable, so is ovulation variable. The recommendation of condom and spermicide stands.
Semen is great stuff; I love to extract it from male friends. It is ull of sperm and those little devils can mess up your life plans in an instant.
Brandye on The Pill & Shot
There are at least three different issues regarding the PILL posted here. All are important but it appears that there is a bit of misinformation around. The pill is a wonderful contraceptive, but it is not perfect. Here is a more comprehensive treatment.
The PILL is the oral medication that provides hormones to control either ovulation or the receptivity to a fertilized egg growing in the uterus. Other hormonal approaches include shots, implants and, recently, a patch. The birth control pill is by far the most common and for many women the most acceptable.
The theoretical effectiveness of the pill approaches 100% - probably one woman out of a hundred would get pregnant each year using the pill exactly as prescribed. The actual effectiveness is about 95-96% - meaning that four or five sexually active women out of each 100 and using the pill will become pregnant.
Why the difference? The leading cause is carelessness or not understanding. Women have started on the pill and become pregnant the first month! It takes one complete cycle until you are protected. The first month that you are on the pill, keep up whatever effective contraception you have been using.
Missed pills are a problem with the low power pills being used today. With the original high dose pills missing one made little difference because there was still plenty of estrogen in the bloodstream. With todays smaller and safer doses, a missed pill can lower the hormone level to the point that ovulation takes place and pregnancy is possible.
Taking the pill with any other medication, or even dietary supplement, should be discussed with your physician or nurse. There are many different pills with different hormones in varying doses. Each one has different characteristics and may be neutralized by other drugs. Common anti-biotics are commonly used without warning from your doctor and neutralize most hormonal contraception. If you take anti-biotics, you will need additional protection for that month. Vitamin E, in large doses. has a known neutralizing effect. Other dietary supplements can also do you in.
Some women attempt to schedule their periods and take several months of their prescription consecutively. There are some valid reasons for this. Athletic competition; weddings; travel. There is, under test, a pill that both prevents conception and eliminates periods - do not ask your doctor for it, it still requires much testing. If you start messing with your cycle, get advice from whomever prescribes your pills. Some pills are more amenable to this than others. There is greater risk with some than with others. And remember, world records have been set and world champiobships have been won while the woman was having her period. Running, speed-skating, tennis, figure skating, swimming, bicycling. For many women, they are better off letting things flow naturally than trying to schedule periods. Many women conduct very active sex lives during their periods (I can vouch for that!). Long term hygiene devices are available for travellers allowing much longer times between changes than we are accustomed to with pads and tampons. There are alternatives to rescheduling your period and they do not include the possibly heightened risk of pregnancy when stopped.
Some (younger) women are taking the pill primarily for dysmenorrhea (difficult periods). Others primarily for acne and other simply to have regular periods. The pill is the preferred treatment for severe cramping and difficult periods. Not mild distress (we all have that) but really immobilizing problems. Yes, you are protected from pregnancy as well as any woman on the pill. But if you are a bit more relaxed in taking the pill exactly as prescribed, you are at higher risk.
And remember, the pill offers NO protection against sexually transmitted diseases. Comdoms are often a good idea even while on the pill
Brandye on Birth Control Systems
The effectiveness of birth control systems is based on 100 sexually active women using them for one year. How many will be pregnant at the end of that year. If 100 women use nothing and are regularly sexually active, 85 will become pregnant.
So, what does 95% effectiveness mean? It means that 95% of those 85 will not become pregnant. The use of percentages can be very misleading. Add to this the fact that the sellers try to look good by using theoretical rates rather than actual user rates. In all cases, with all systems, they are "more effective" in 30-something women than in teens! There are many reasons for this.
In actual use, if our 100 women have sex a few times a week for a year, using only condoms properly, 15+ will become pregnant. Adding spermicided in thae vagina and/or inside the condom, will reduce this to 3-5 pregnancies among our 100 women.
This is the time to become informed because after you are pregnant, it is too late.
When birth control systems are tested, there are many controls. I am aware of a drug company that calls all using women (during tests) at the same time every night and reminds them to take their pills. In actual use, sometimes we forget or take them at erratic times.
Condoms have been around for so long that clinical trials are not very modern and there is not a company rep there to roll it on. Be advised that "proper use" of a condom includes immediate withdrawal after male ejaculation. I hate that. We often ignore this little bit of proper use and semen leaks around the edges.
Condom breakage seems to run at under 5% but this is figured differently: it is the number of condoms that break divided by the number used. Fortunately, most of us have made it through a breakage but would have been less anxious for a couple weeks had there been a backup. Many prostitutes use two condoms! And are on the pill. The condom is mainly for disease and the pill for contraception. Read the data given here and send me a message through the control panel and I will be happy to explain further.
It is not as simple as a table of effectiveness, whether we are talking condoms or the shot.
Brandye on Responsibility for Contraception
The obvious answer is that in a loving relationship, there is a shared responsibility. So, guys. if she says "not this time" or "use a condom," it is your responsibility to comply. If "not now" is too frequent for your liking, it is time for discussion not forcing things.
Now, some girl talk. It is our female bodies that become pregnant. We have a responsibility to ourselves over any responsibility to any other. We are ultimately responsible for whether or not we become pregnant. I think it is great that vasectomy is so popular. I think it wonderful that men are overwhelmingy in favor of the their pill. Ultimately, I want to control my own reproduction - it is my body. If that means making love with women, so be it. If it is having my tubes tied, same. If it is using spermicide and requiring a condom that I put on him, fine. If I jack him off because we are not prepared, that is it.
I hear too many young, really young, women saying, "he told me it was OK" or "he did not really get in me" or "I thought I could not get pregnant then" or "it was just once" or "he said he had a vasectomy" or "he said he pulled out in time." Well, honey, guess who is pregnant! It is not he! And guess who is responsible: you are. Because you, more than any other, will live with the consequences.
Not many questions are raised here by people in permanent relationships. It is outside the permanent relationship where the greatest risks are. As a teen, at my aunt's advice, I always required that "he" provide the condoms. If he was unwilling to walk in and buy them, he should not be having sex. I always, however, had some with me along with some spermicidal preparation.
As we mature we learn to live with the monthly uncertainty. For sexually active women, pregnancy is always a possibility. Younger sexually active women are not psychologically prepared and the monthly worries affect all areas of their lives and, regrettably, often lead to other self-damaging behavior.
Every time you spread, you have a responsibility to your partner, your family (if still at home), the possibly resulting child and to yourself. Think it through before you say yes. Then prepare yourself.
Brandye on Anal Sex & STD’s
OK, I'll claim some expertise in this. Many urethral and prostate infections are caused by anal sex. There are many ways for bacteria to get into the male urethra but anal sex assures you they will be there.
Do not consider anal sex an alternative to vaginal sex to prevent pregnancy. Most of the ejaculate will leak out (incluing hundreds of millions of sperm) and that will put them very close to her vaginal opening. Sperm can be feisty little devils and pregnancy can occur.
Anyone taking a penis into the anus should be aware of certain things. The anus is designed as a one-way passage - out. The vagina is designed specifically to admit, hold and receive the deposit from a penis. The anus lacks the elasticity and flexibility of the vagina. When a penis enters the anus, tearing and distortion is almost inevitable. This makes one more susceptible to infection - STD or otherwise.
If anal sex is in your reportoire, lots of lubrication and ALWAYS a condom is called for. I am perfectly willing to suck a penis that has been in my vagina but I am not about to suck one that has been in my anus. Nor will I take it in my vagina.
Brandye on Spotting STD’s
EVERY KNOWN STD CAN HAVE A LATENT PERIOD DURING WHICH THERE ARE NO SYMPTOMS BUT THE DISEASE CAN BE SPRED.
Excuse the shouting (all caps). Read it again. Everything from the old fashioned clap to HIV can be present without no symptoms and can be passed on. Genital herpes go through active and latent stages and many think that if no sores are present, it is safe. Not so.
For women, any STD can result in sterility or worse. For men, they can be inactive and d oing damage for a long time.
Herpes is forever; HIV/Aids........
Brandye on “Sex During Menstruation”
Resistance to sex during menstruation is more aesthetic than physical. There are good and bad reasons that women want sex during their periods.
Often we feel lousy and just do not feel sexy. Cramps do not make one horny! The hormone cycle also makes for less sexual desire than at any other time in the menstrual cycle. Messy is the primary reason women resist.
My first orgasm was during my period (I was 13) and I have had other interesting sexual experience during my period. I then overcame much of the resistance and really enjoy it. Most of my girlfriends over the years have not been bothered at all. A few boyfriends have. As I moved into "older men" I found less resistance.
I still would not want to have a first experience with a man during my period. I have, though.
Skyclad on “Mutual Masturbation”
A lot of it probably has to do with the age/maturity level of the girl. I'm 20 and I *love* having mutual masturbation sessions with my boyfriend, but even two years ago I wouldn't have been comfortable with the thought of it. Perhaps a contributing factor in the difference between the sexes on this issue (I've never met a guy who didn’t want to masturbate for his girl) is what happens during puberty, not to mention societal influences. For guys, things basically just get bigger and hairier. With girls things get bigger and a little hairier too but we also bleed and end up on a wild emotional roller coaster. That'll make ya just a little self-conscious.
It takes a little while for us to mellow out and learn to enjoy ourselves and our partners. Communication goes a long way. If you'd like to see your girl pleasure herself, but she's shy about it, try telling her how attractive you find her to be and how you'd like to watch her enjoy herself. You can also work up to it by trying it in the dark first. Sure you wont see anything, but it'll help her get used to masturbating in your presence and maybe help her build her comfort level up enough to let you light a candle or even turn on the lights.
SexGoddess on “Mutual Masturbation”
OOOOOOOH My Favorite topic! Mutual masturbation (one of my many faves lol)
you know, if you want your woman to touch herself during intercourse or just together with you? Then let her know. if she's reluctant? Then just continue to give her compliments, tell her how sexy she is etc... she WILL open to it at some point.
Otherwise, you could also maybe take your hand and place it on her vagina to masturbate her and ask her to show you how she likes it. that may work as well.
Communication is key. keep those lines open and please, do not show any frustration, which will always make a woman who is nervous about anything more self-conscious.
Vette1963 on “Mutual Masturbation”
I believe that it is embarrassment on the woman’s part. talk to her communication is the key. I convinced my partner by explaining what A TURN ON IT WAS FOR ME and that I could learn from her actions what areas were her "sweet spots" other than the normal ones. now before we have intercourse she will cum 3 or 4 times and I have an erection that is so hard and when we cum together it is so intense. ask her why she doesn't like to play with her self then ask her to do it for you
Brandye on “Anal Sex”
Medically, it is a bad idea. Personally, I like my anus fiddled with during cunnilingus; penetration? Not in me, I have other orifice I am most willing to use.
It is "defecating backwards." The anus and the sphincter muscles around it are designed to keep stuff in until you decide to let it out. Then it is one-way passage. It lacks the elasticity of the vagina and is not really large enough.
At least in the beginning tearing will occur if only at a microscopic level. This admits bacteria and can cause nasty infections. For the penis involved, the enterobacteria will go right up the urethra and can cause horrible urethritis and prostatitis. I had a patient who ejaculated pure blood. His wife thought she had gotten her period unexpectedly!
In the long term, hemorrhoids will result.
Now, some of you will. Please, always use a condom and always use lots of lubricant. There are stretching exercises you can do if you are planning to do this. You would be amazed at the stuff removed from rectums in emergency rooms. Shot glasses seem to be a preferred way to show "what I can take!" Well, they seem a little embarrassed when I roll them on a firm pillow and get out the forceps.
OK, I am against it. For those who want to, do it safely. It is not as bad as smoking for your health.
Andy on “Sex Education”
I think that for teenagers or people who are new to having sex, this board is a very valuable resource. Where else are young people going to have questions answered about sex and sexuality? Sex education in schools leaves quite a bit to be desired, and asking parents or family members can be embarrassing, not to mention the fact that the reliability of information given is questionable most of the time.
I've learned a lot since finding this website, not just about sex, but also about dating, love, birth control, std's and a variety of other topics. I feel that it is important for this resource to be available to people of all ages for this reason.
What other way will a teenager find out about these things? Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to something as potentially fulfilling and potentially dangerous as sex.
Girlygirl on “Sexual Preference”
There is an annoyingly common belief that anyone who has had sex with people of both genders is automatically bisexual. Similarly, many people think that someone who has not had sex with members of both genders cannot be bi. By that logic, certain rape victims are bisexual, even if they are attracted to one or neither sex, and all virgins should be considered asexual. Like heterosexuality and homosexuality, bisexuality is a sexual preference, not a sexual history.
I have also heard it said that someone cannot be considered bi-curious after he/she has had sex with people of both genders. While "experimenting" may make it easier for someone to figure out his/her sexual preference, it will not necessarily solve the mystery once and for all. If the experimenter does not enjoy it, this may be due to factors unique to that particular partner or the specific things they did, not the gender as a whole. Even if the experimenter does enjoy it, it may just be because he/she happened to be horny at the time, and (to quote some book, I think it was called "She's Come Undone") "friction is friction".
Interestingly, these beliefs sometimes extend to homosexuality but never to heterosexuality.
These myths make sexual preference appear at once more and less complicated than it really is. All you need to know to determine your sexual preference is whether you are attracted to men, women, both or neither. But how many people know themselves that well?
Brandye on “Impotence”
Age matters; as does desire, testosterone level, blood supply and what he may be thinking about.
In short, what is happening is that the two little valves that hold the blood in the penis are letting go and it is draining out. This could have a physiological basis, especially with aging. It is these two little valves that Viagra helps. I have had some experience with "backing up" and having him lose interest. Once you get to working on the penis, stopping can be a surprise and the penis will go flaccid. Make it a progressive and stimulus increasing thing. And do not back up to whatever else you were doing.
As often as not, this is a psychological thing. He may be anxious about doing as well as others have for you or wondering about his own adequacy. Once a pattern of collapse begins, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If either men or women come close, our genitals are left engorged and it takes a while for the blood to go elsewhere. For us, we can easily masturbate and it goes away. In men, this can actually be a painful situation. The fact that he is getting soft indicates that he will not be left with physical pain but be frustrated and feel inadequate.
Some men, sometimes, simply need more stimulation. perhaps a bit of sucking or particular hand stimulation may help. Perhaps it is all in his head and there is nothing you can really do.
Short answer, physiologically the valves are opening and allowing blood to drain from the penis. Why? Too many potential reasons to go into. Age, stress, past experience, self-image, fatigue, fear of failure and on and on.
ItalStall on “Impotence”
To expand on Brandye's comments re:
"Some men, sometimes, simply need more stimulation. perhaps a bit of sucking or particular hand stimulation may help."
IF this is a psychological problem, it is vital to shift the emphasis from HAVING to perform. Next time you are having sex and this situation occurs, show him it is "no problem" by switching to other ways of pleasuring each other that do not require a firm erection.
He can still achieve orgasm even when fairly soft: orally, by hand ... whatever, so you CAN still "go all the way". Don't just stop sex (that will just make him feel worse physically and mentally); switch tactics instead. This should help by taking the pressure off him and he will relax. When and if he seems ready for full intercourse, make it a progression from this "safety base" and don't be frustrated if he loses it and you need to revert to what you were doing. Eventually if he sees you are not letting it bother/stop you, he will likely stop worrying and just get on with it too.
Most men who have this problem have a great deal of trouble talking about it. If he is one, nothing needs to be said, just deal with it by action, not words.
Final point: try positions where penetration is easier and make sure you are "ready" for him before he tries to penetrate ... if necessary use lubricant ... you want to make "the mission" as easy as possible for him! However, once he is in, friction is important to maintaining sensation, so adjust position if necessary, and don't be afraid to use your hand on the base of his penis and testicles as he strokes in and out.
ItalStall on “Older Men & Sex-drive”
First off, everyone is different; we all have different sex-drives, "interests" etc. From my similarly aged friends (men AND women), I know that many, if not all, have slowed their sex-lives somewhat as they have gotten older - just part of the biological clock I suppose. However, that DOESN'T mean that the old spring has rusted and broken off!! Just that the frequency may have lessened! Therefore, different sex-lives will have cooled down at different rates and by varying amounts. Personally, I still LOVE sex and so does my partner, though she likes it less frequently than me, which is sometimes frustrating - but hey, masturbation doesn't need to stop at 30!
Even for young people, when any relationship is brand new, it is at its most adventurous and exciting. As time goes by that is replaced more by the different pleasures that experience and knowledge of each other should bring. It stands to reason that the sex you do have should only get better and better; as you get older it's more how much you enjoy the sex you DO have (quality v quantity!). In your b/f's case, it's possible that "newness" has now (more quickly) gone and that from lack of experience he can't take it to that next step fast enough. If so, he may be feeling more frustrated than you.
Hazarding some guesses ... Maybe he is being honest here and hasn't had as much experience as you think. Maybe he is out of his depth trying to please a much younger woman (or maybe combine that with just having a lower sex-drive in the first place). Maybe what he wants from you, he feels afraid or embarrassed to ask. Maybe your "new look, weight, studying, etc" has affected his self-confidence and he fears losing you to a younger guy ... and on and on. Just some things to consider.
Of course, all this is "maybe's and could be's". Bottom line is, you have to keep communicating with him till you can both figure it out. At his age, he is probably pretty set in his ways and that might take some doing. But, once you have done that, you have a decent chance of sorting it. He might need medical help, sex counseling or just a patient partner to help him through. For your sake, you have to find out!
Brandye on “Older Men & Sex-drive”
Part of the aging process in men is the reduction of libido. Sperm production slows, testosterone levels fall and there is less natural drive. They can rise to the occasion for a weekend but day to day, sex plays a less central role. They will typically not get quite as rigid and hard and the recovery time takes longer.
I remember my only real male love. For most of two years we traveled, worked and lived together. I can count on one hand the days we missed making love. It was more than I needed but I understood his drive and learned to really enjoy the intimacy with an orgasm for me a couple times a week. I loved having him with me, in me and becoming a part of me with each ejaculation.
Today, there is a man nearly the age of my father. We see each other perhaps twice a year. Once in the evening and perhaps in the morning. He cares for an invalid wife in a small town where he is also the only doctor. I really think our liaisons are his total sex life.
The male peaks in drive and production at about 18; women peak in their desire about 28. There is often a second peak for women after menopause - no more periods, pregnancy not an issue and we can relax. I have not hit that yet but it is real for many.
You may be peaking as he is on the descent. What do you want? A sex partner, a life partner, a conversationalist. We all make choices. At this point my girlfriend and I each, when we take penis breaks, usually have slightly younger partners.
Girlygirl on “Being a Sex Addict”
I think being an addict has more to do with how you think than what you do. An addiction is something you can't do with out. You could have sex twenty times a day, but as long as you can happily take a break from it for a few days, you are probably not an addict. Likewise, you could have gone for years without getting laid, but if sex is all you think about, and you would rather do that than eat sleep or breath, you probably are an addict. Or maybe you're just 16 …
Guido on “Circumcision”
Many boys/men in the US today are circumcised and many more young boys continue to be. In an intact man, the sexually sensitive tissue unfolds to cover the shaft of the penis. The circumcised man has only a narrow band of this tissue remaining. Anywhere from 20% to 80% of the sexually sensitive tissue is removed! This sensitive region is normally much larger and folded inside the foreskin in the intact male, where it is moist and protected from constant stimulation. After circumcision, what remains of this region is exposed, dried out, and greatly desensitized.
As an uncircumcised male with an uncircumcised son, I have occasionally wondered WHY any parent would have their son circumcised. It seemed strange to me that it seemed to be a geographical or religious matter whether it was considered a good thing or not, rather than a pure medical matter. Religion does strange things to people’s reasoning, so I will put that aside. However, I really couldn’t figure why it is so popular in the US compared to (say) Europe.
I have recently discovered more information about circumcision and the reasoning used to justify it. The evidence is sickening! Incredibly, in the US, it is all to do with the sexophobic behavior of the late 1800’s / early 1900’s, and their misguided belief of the time, that circumcision was important to prevent masturbation. Just as with female circumcision in some parts of the world, the intent of male circumcision in America was to control sexual activity. It is clear from the historical evidence that circumcision in America was instituted in a futile attempt to prevent masturbation by reducing sexual sensitivity. Thankfully, circumcision rates have plummeted in the US as more men confront the real reason why they were sexually altered.
Many years ago, when it was thought important to prevent masturbation, American health authorities advocated circumcision. There is no longer any national or international public health authority in the western world that advocates routine circumcision - need I say more? And yet, there are still doctors today who profit from carrying out this practice!!
Even now, so-called “medical” reasons are still trotted out as justifications for this barbaric act, but interestingly the reasons came AFTER the practice became widespread. Here follows some of the so-called arguments and rebuttals for circumcision.
Neonatal circumcision in the US was born of Lie Number One in the late 1800's, and continues today under the combined pressure of Lies Number Two and Three.
• Lie Number One: Circumcision will reduce the sex drive and prevent masturbation.
Truth: While circumcision certainly reduces sexual satisfaction, there is no indication that it reduces masturbation or the drive to attain sexual satisfaction. This myth was the base on which circumcision was originally sold. Continental Europe's Puritans had emigrated (some to Britain and Australia, but most to America) so neonatal circumcision never became routine in Europe.
• Lie Number Two: Ten percent of the intact (not circumcised) boys will need circumcision later on in their lives.
Truth: Less than one percent of intact European men ever get this treatment for any medical condition whatsoever, yet they have a lower penile cancer rate than American men. European men also have lower rates of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Israel and the US are the only industrialized countries where a male has a high risk of being circumcised. In Finland -- a non-circumcising country -- the operative rate is only a tiny fraction of this percentage. A male's risk of being circumcised for any reason during his entire lifespan is less than one in 16,000. In the US, the differences reflect an American attitude that the foreskin is expendable and the tendency to remove it at the first sign of trouble.
• Lie Number Three: Circumcision is a horribly painful experience for older males, but it doesn't really hurt babies, so it should be done now.
Truth: There is an abundance of evidence from scientific journals, medical personnel, and parents, that circumcision is a horribly painful experience for babies. No anesthetic is used during infant circumcision because of the real hazards (death) of anesthetizing newborns. (Even if an anesthetic were used, the wound would stay very sore for several days.) The degree to which circumcision contributes to the shamefully high infant mortality rate in the US is hidden, because fatal circumcision complications are recorded under whatever was the immediate cause of death, e.g., hemophilia, or gastric rupture, or a disease that resulted from infection, etc.
Some would have us believe that this surgery is benign, but the anti-circumcision net sites are peppered with horror stories of circumcisions gone wrong, and tales of parents whose child was circumcised without their permission. With infants it is usually hospital error; with older children it can happen during a routine doctor's visit for a vaccination. Sudden pressure for an immediate circumcision is sometimes successful, especially if brought on a parent while the spouse is away and not immediately available for consultation.
So, if you ever have a male child and consider the option of circumcision, please hark back to this post and think twice … and then think again!
Guido on “Incest/Sibling Masturbation”
ALL kids, as they grow up, have a natural interest in their own and other people's bodies. The bodies they are most likely to come into contact with are their own and those of their close family. With kids of approximately the same age (siblings or not), it is not so strange that the interest might become mutual and still remain perfectly innocent in nature, with nothing more than "look and touch" and (yes) maybe even mutual masturbation - no bad motive, just because it feels good! Eventually, as they grow a little older, they understand that some things (although ok) are private, and they usually grow out of it. So far, I see no problem ... If they don't grow out of it and it is still equally consentual, then I am still not convinced there is a real problem.
The real problem does DEFINITELY arise where there are children of differing ages and levels of development, where one child has some physical or psychological influence over the other (such as an older sibling has over a younger one), and uses it to persuade or force the other child into what the older child knows are sexual acts. The younger child is being taken advantage of - that is plain wrong!
The basic point here is no different than for adults where one partner is not consenting. Any time that anyone coerces someone who does not consent to do something, THAT is what is wrong! Whether you agree with incest (or not) is not the real issue here. The issue here is that ANY sexual acts are only ok if BOTH parties are of an age and maturity to properly consent. (In the case where both kids are equally very young and innocent, it really isn't an "intended sexual act", it is just part of self-discovery.)
In the case of ADULT incest, if both partners consent (and as long as no child comes of it, because of the genetic issues), then whether it is wrong or not depends on your personal point of view. "Live and let live", I say. I don't have to condone something to believe in a person's right to make their own decision and for them not to be condemned for having an unconventional lifestyle.
BondageKat on “Penis size”
In my experience, a long and straight penis can feel great but can also cause a lady to go "ouch, my uterus!" And if a guy is 8 inches or more then he can forget anything anal. My personal preference is for something in the 5-7 inches range, with a good girth (which for me is around 4 inches). For me, girth is more important because I love the feeling of being filled. I'm not overly concerned about straight or curved, although a curved penis usually has a better time hitting my G-spot, which can be a lot of fun.
But honestly, I think it's all about how a man uses what he's been given. I have never been disappointed in sex because of the man's penis - the two times I have been disappointed it was definitely by the performance.
Andyaz on “Penis size”
WOW! I can't believe the wealth of misinformation. Of course, it got started fifty years ago with Kinsey's famous poll that put the average at around 6.5 inches. The problem was that his statistics were severely "exaggerated" (which he readily admitted to) by relying on the accuracy of measurements taken and reported by the participants themselves.
I don't know why guys feel compelled to lie in an anonymous survey (denial?), but it's been shown that on *average*, they'll add at least an inch to the truth even in that situation. So, you can absolutely depend on every web poll to be undependable.
Fortunately, there have been a number of scientifically conducted medical studies in recent years that show the true average erect length to be between 5.1" and 5.4", with the majority of men falling within a one inch range roughly centered on the average. Also, the percentage of those with 9 inches and above isn't even a double digit. The average girth is around 4.75" to 5", and most men are pretty close to that, too.
Hard to believe? Of course it is. Men *LIE*. Even those who have 8 inches will add one more, and the ones who would need to add 2 or 3 inches just to be "respectable" generally say nothing instead. It's a rare man who will admit to having "only" five inches (or less), but as a gay guy who's personally inspected more penises than I care to say, I will say that before the zipper comes down, I'm expecting about 5.5", give or take a half inch, and I'm usually right.
Druid on “Penis size”
I'm one of the females that voted the 8"-9" range. Personally I do have experience in the different sizes. I've been with a 4.5, a 6, an 8 and a 9. Three of which were quite a bit above average in the girth area as well.
Brand me a size-queen, but yep the 8 and 9 were more fun. Sure it hurts like crazy unless you use a lot of lube and patience, but there's something to be said for the endorphin rush that accompanies that kind of stretching.
Also, in my experience, the men with larger than average penises were actually more aware of their actions in bed and were more careful not to hurt their partner. I'm sure many men of all sizes are extremely considerate lovers, I just was not fortunate enough to meet them.
Even with my preference, I definitely agree that the penis does not make the man and that there's nothing undesirable about an average or below average penis. All penises are great if used properly by great men. Just because some of us happen to prefer a larger one doesn’t mean we don’t also appreciate the smaller ones.
?wiseman? on “Nympho Problem”
Multiple partners, of any age, heighten your risk for STDs, Pregnancy, infection, etc. And what about the potential ostrasization from your peer group?
Babyblue, you're clearly concerned about your sexual activities and that means there's a problem. If you're not comfortable with your actions, sexual or otherwise, then you need to seek some council as Brandye suggests. You may or may not have a problem, but you clearly think you do and I applaud you for using your head. If your parent(s) knows that you're sexually active, but you're not comfortable talking with them, tell them that you would like to speak with a counselor. You don't have to tell them why, just that it has to do with your sexual maturation. If that's not an option, go to a planned parenthood clinic and speak with someone there. If they believe that you should speak with a specialist, I'm sure that they could point you in the right direction with confidentiality.
Babyblue, please don't delay because you need to become more comfortable with yourself and speaking with someone will be the best first step.
Sexyone on “Online Cybering”
"I just want to know why he feels the need to do this?"
The only way you will truly know the answer to this question is to ask him. Neither you nor the people in this community can truly tell you what he is thinking or what he feels. Ask him. Maybe start by saying what you feel and then explain that you would like to better understand what he is feeling and why he is doing this.
"I mean do guys not feel sharing such intimate pics is wrong esp. when u have a girlfriend."
I am a girl and I don't feel there is anything wrong with this other than the fact that it is hurting you. I am married and my husband and I occasionally exchange naked pictures with others. When we were in Cancun, Mexico last year we even took naked pictures with a neighbor in our hotel, a stranger who was taking naked pictures next door.
"if I make him so happy why does he feel the need to share such private stuff w/ other girls he doesn't know"
No one can get all their needs met by one person. It would not be fair to you or to him if you tried or expected to meet all his needs. This is one of the big reasons relationships fail, this unrealistic expectation that one "other" can meet all of another’s needs. I noticed you started this statement with IF, maybe you need to talk with him about whether or not you are meeting his needs and IF there is anything that either of you can do to better meet both of your needs.
"I gave that up. I don’t really know what exactly my question is I just need some insight on this. should I feel jealous, threatened, worried? or is this just all part of a male's healthy sex life? please help?"
Feelings are very personal. No one here can tell you what you should feel. Instead I would encourage you to discover and work through what you do feel. It sounds like this situation hurts you at least a little and that maybe you are even a little angry. It also sounds like because you "gave that up" you just expected that he would also. Again you are falling into the relationship myth of believing that someone will automatically change because of they are now in a relationship with you.
"he's mentioned many times b4 that his past girlfriends cheated on him and that is something that he doesn't tolerate at all so I never thought that id have to worry about that esp. from his side of the relationship."
It sounds like you feel that he is cheating on you. Maybe he does not thing that he is cheating on you and is unaware that you consider this cheating.
"I would confront him more about stuff but technically I'm really snooping where I don’t belong and him knowing this would probably just make things worse"
If you don't talk to him the situation will get worse anyway because of the negative feeling you are already having. I would suggest starting the conversation by admitting that you were wrong for snooping but that you would like to talk about this anyway because it is [hurting/angering/surprising whatever word goes best] you.
I think you need to admit to yourself how you feel and then talk to him about it. Focus on what you feel as opposed to what he did wrong so that he won't feel like he is being attacked.
Guido on “Cheating, What Is It?”
Sex is expressed with love or without it; love is expressed with sex or without it. So the two are separate things. Sex is about the body, love is about the mind. Love is about a relationship, sex is not necessarily so!
Many people choose to exclusively combine the two, and of course that's fine, but many do not and prefer to have sex and love separately!
A relationship is about trust. "Swingers" are honest about the multiple sex partners with their love partner. No trust is broken, so the relationship is good.
Studies show that many swingers have long, happy relationships, because the love and trust are there, while the sex may be everywhere!
Sexyone on “Cheating, What Is It”
I think a good point has been made about cheating, trust, and communication. First there needs to be a definition of what is cheating or breaking a trust and it needs to be communicated among partners.
Having said that I would not cheat on my partner by doing something that we both feel betrays the trust within our relationship. We both look at other people we even tell each other about people we think are attractive. We've even talked about having sexual playmates. But I would never get a playmate before I was sure my husband was ok with it.
Yippi on “Cheating, What Is It?”
To put it simply, whatever example you apply:
If either of you consider it "cheating", then it is.
If both of you consider it "not cheating", then it isn't.
The critical thing as always is communication, so as to have a clear understanding of what falls into which category. If in doubt, don't expect your partner to know how you feel, and don't guess at how they feel.
Stephanie083099 on “Men’s Magazines”
My b/f looks at those magazines, at first it really bothered me to the point where when I would find one, I would hide it on him. But then I just realized, everyone has fantasies and likes to look at other girls, and long as he doesn’t react to his fantasies, then it shouldn’t be a problem, let guys be guys, everyone has to have there fun.
Hereandnow on “Female Odor”
If he was talking about your vagina, he was certainly (shall we say) a tad insensitive!
However, some smell is actually a GOOD thing! I love the natural scent of a woman - vagina or anywhere else. Research shows it is a natural and powerful aphrodisiac!
As in any aspect of sex, hygiene is key - there is a difference between scent and B.O.
ItalStall on “Deviant Sexual Behavior”
Quote (ryan192 @ Feb. 06 2003,14:37)
She also would let her dog lick her down there if you know what I mean. I’m not kidding. Is that normal sexual exploration for a child? Our relationship is wonderful with no complications so it does not seem to have affected her negatively.
Like most things that are frowned on by society, people don't tend to advertise or even admit that they practice any kind of so-called "deviant behavior". This probably isn't the average person's interest, and I think I can safely say that most would consider it a little gross. But who is to say what is normal and what isn't? "Normal" is just a matter of opinion, not fact! What is normal for one person, community or society is not necessarily for another.
I have heard of this type of "exploration" more than once. It can be a one-off act, based on spur-of-the-moment inquisitiveness (say, like trying out an unusual object), or a deliberate interest in full-blown Bestiality. It most certainly is not restricted to kids! Again, I suspect both are not as unusual as some would (like to) believe; you might be amazed at what is going on behind your neighbors closed curtains - or maybe not!
Regarding what is normal:
Is this commonly accepted practice in our society? - no!
Would we want to encourage kids to carry out this specific type of self-discovery? - no!
Is it normal or healthy for kids to self-explore? - absolutely yes!
Will they find all kinds of weird and wonderful ways of carrying out that discovery? - you bet, and good for them as long as they enjoy it!
If you look again at your last (quoted) sentence, you kind of answered your own question! If everything "is wonderful with no complications" be mighty grateful that she is as self-aware as she is. There are a lot of relationships out there suffering terribly, with one or both partners sexually frigid as a result of being subjected to what our society calls a "normal" (read "close-minded") upbringing.
Justme on “Penis Enlargement”
There is NOTHING that can enlarge your penis. Most things that advertise that they do only end up screwing up your shaft. There are some exercises that can help you control when you cum, but none of them can make you longer, bigger, or stronger. The penis just isn't like other muscles that grow with exercise.
Tell your girlfriend to chill out and love you for who you are. I bet you could come up with a complaint about her body if you wanted to. No one is perfect.
Demonbuttercup on “Masturbation”
no matter what girls say most of them have at one time or another...lol
and yes most guys find it very erotic to watch girls touch themselves... when me b/f and I are having sex and ill start massaging my clit... sometimes he just stops and watches for a min or so...he says he really enjoys it
umm but when he's not around I have a hello kitty vibrating "massager" that I like to use hehe
Brandye on “Lesbianism”
Yes, vette, I am bi-. I also have dual citizenship! Irrelevant but it keeps thing balanced.
My g/f and I have known each other our entire lives starting on a small island in the Hebrides. We planned our own defloration and, with my sister's help, prepared and seduced our boyfriends the same night when we were fifteen. We discovered that the sex was not all that great. As we discussed that, we began to demonstrate what we wished "he" would do. Fill in the blank.
We went to separate universities and each had various affairs. I went to med school in another country and lived with a guy the whole time. During advanced training in Canada I fell in love with a wonderful Croatian colleague. We were planning marriage when he died in Kosovo. She married and had a son and then a nasty divorce.
We rediscovered each other and have been "together" ever since. We are each bi- and each have a need for a penis several times a year. We have rules and that is a protected part of our lives.
The lesbian love is more relaxed and intuitive. We understand what movements are seeking; tender breasts or cramps can be identified with. The clear goal of my vagina that is always present in straight sex is not there. We linger and enjoy.
I do feel uncompleted. There is nothing like a penis in me. And there is the biological function - the vagina has as its only purpose holding a penis until it empties. There is psychological satisfaction in having those millions and millions of sperm swimming around in me.
Possibly half the women in the world have had at least one lesbian-like contact. Because women are the majority, some have no other sex life. Some of us like both.
We are no threat to straights and we do not recruit. We are simply sexual beings handling that as we find adequate. This is a sexuality forum and gays, bi-s and, even, celibates are sexual beings as much as straights.
Some people think I sin with a woman; some, with a man. They still bring their daughters to me for their first gyn exam and my locally famous "talk."
Girlygirl on “Lesbianism”
You might as well ask why some women are straight. Couldn't they get more satisfaction from someone with a lifetime of experience with a woman's body? Keep in mind that many women have a much easier time reaching orgasm from clitoral stimulation than "having their vagina filled with the real thing." Fingers and tongues are just as "real" as penises.
Anyhow, this is all beside the point. The terms homosexual, bisexual and heterosexual are rather misleading in that sexual preference is not all about sex. sex and lust are certainly a part of it, but what it all comes down to is who you find attractive and who you can fall in love with. There are very few people who would base love (or even lust) entirely on the other person's ability to get them off.
Girlygirl on “Female Shaving”
First off, I myself shave my pubic hair. I find this look very sexy both on both myself and other women. I think of it as getting a little more naked. I have never liked the partially shaved look, but that is a matter of personal opinion.
On the other hand, the "natural" look can also be quite appealing. In the same way that lingerie can be sexier than total nudity, pubic hair leaves an element of mystery.
There is nothing wrong with shaving your pubic region, but there is also nothing wrong with leaving it the way it is. It is okay to simply prefer the shaved look, but you should not think of your pubic hair as an "eye sore." It's natural, it's beautiful, and it's part of being a woman.
Anyhow, shaving is a pain in the butt. Sometimes literally.
Guido on “Smell After Sex”
men and women BOTH have a different smell after sex. it is a wonderfully sexy aroma.
I can never understand women (and I guess some guys do it too) that rush off to "detoxify" immediately after sex - also seems a bit insulting to your partner in my view!
I’m not suggesting that anyone "stew in it" either though ... lol ... like nicolee says, a shower later is a good idea. just don't be having a bed-bath while the action is still on!
Brandye on “Smell After Sex”
For those of us who are accepting the semen directly into us, we will always have that problem. Semen is absorbed through the vaginal walls and enters the bloodstream. Some women can actually taste semen an hour or so after vaginal sex. The mucous membrane of the mouth emits the flavor from the bloodstream. It can be noticed on the breath. This is not common but it is not rare, either.
For all of us, the morning after, or just a few hours after, our bottoms do smell of the semen and our own lubrication that, exposed to air, becomes rather nasty smelling. If you wash after sex, this is somewhat ameliorated but there is continuing drainage for a few hours. Some women douche after sex because of this. I recommend against douching with a healthy vagina. It washes out the good stuff with the bad and actually makes one more prone to yeast infection.
My recommendation: Keep clean and accept this as part of a healthy sex life.
Jaime on “Annoying Posts”
Well I just got here and everything I've read so far has been interesting to say the least. I guess IMO if someone annoys me I'll just move on to the next post. We all wouldn't hang out together in the real world so why would we all see eye-2-eye here either?
My grandfather always told me that 1/3 of the people you meet will adore you, 1/3 will abhor you and the other 1/3 won't give a rat's ass - go grampa!
Atomic on “How do I Know If I Am Gay”
the question is: do you feel attracted to men? YES: then chances are you're bi-curious/bi-sexual/gay. Are you EXCLUSIVELY attracted to men: then the chances of you being gay are good. You cannot stop yourself from being gay any more than you can stop yourself being of a different race. It's nature and it's there to stay.
Rather than wanting to stop it, concentrate on the positive side of things rather than whatever you've been told that is negative. Being gay is slowly becoming more socially acceptable (took the world long enough....) and others are quite willing to share info/life story's etc. so read up a bit on teenage homosexuality or join an online chat forum for gay teens. Ask questions, to others and to yourself, and celebrate life-gay or straight or whatever!! Good luck and keep smiling.
Stephanie 083099 on “The Sex Bible”
Be up for anything, try new things and experiment a lot.
Jaime on “Role Playing”
Well, what really turns you on? Pick a wild and crazy even forbidden temptation. Dress the part and go with it!! Usually I think it helps if one person takes the lead and sort of "gives orders" of who should do what to who......I think a lot of verbalizing works well to stay focused on the roles. Use nicknames.....even if they are naughty......teacher, good boy, Mam, Sir, little tramp, my little virgin......etc. What ever works for you. Hope that gives you some ideas. Have fun!!
SexGoddess27 on “Piercings”
I had my tongue pierced at one time. It took forever to heal but I loved it! My ears are pierced as well. I’m all for piercings as long as it's done right. I don't have any particular turn-ons about it though.
One thing that made me think about body piercings was when I spoke with my doctor. it's possible to get diseases through piercings such as, hepatitis. (that goes for body piercings, tongue, vagina, penis tattoos as well).
I do have a tattoo on my breast and one thing you want to do before getting a tattoo or piercing is make SURE that they sterilize EVERYTHING right in front of you in an autoclave (sp). If they don't, then refuse to get anything done.
After all, you don't know where those needles have been or who they were on etc..
Girlygirl on “Piercings”
I used to have my nipples pierced. There are a lot of risks and disadvantages. For one thing, this is a very sensitive area, so it is a very very painful piercing. Some people even say it is more painful than a genital piercing. I wouldn't go that far, but it comes close. It also takes several months to heal. During this time, your piercings require lots of cleaning and care, your nipples can't be touched by anyone but you, the holes will ooze this gross white discharge, the slightest touch or jostle will cause you a great deal of pain, and, as my own experience demonstrates, all sorts of things can go wrong with the piercings, including infection and rejection to name a few.
But there are also advantages. Obviously, the piercings look very sexy (at least to some people). The rings are fun to play with (once they are healed, of course). In most cases, including my own experience, they make the nipples deliciously sensitive. However, be forewarned: occasionally piercings can make them lose sensitivity instead. The Victorians believed that piercing nipples made the breasts get bigger (believe it or not, they had a brief nipple-piercing fad), but I have my doubts about that.
Please consider the pros and cons carefully before you make your decision. Look for a good piercer with lots of experience and an autoclave. Whatever you do don't try to pierce them yourself.
Druid on “Being Non-judgmental”
One of the main attractions of this site is that it strives to remain nonjudgmental. Most of the people whose posts I have read do an excellent job of fostering the sort of environment that makes it possible for others to seek the kind of knowledge that cannot be easily sought elsewhere. Why is guycr's quest for understanding received any differently than those who would inquire about other fetishes that may not appeal to the masses?
He has harmed no one with his question, yet he is chastised and labeled a "sickie" by some of the members here. Yes I understand that people may be curious about the reasoning behind his uncommon fetish and may naturally question him about it, but there is no reason to over-react and demand that the moderator step in and start revoking constitutional rights. The issue of liability is completely nonexistent since no instructions were ever even provided by myself or other posters. Furthermore, anyone who was not entirely daft would realize that any time that a person engages in an activity in which blood is drawn or shared, there are innumerable negative consequences that can result. Judging by guycr's posts, he has shown himself to be of more than enough intelligence to know the obvious consequences of his potential actions. His last posting would indicate that, as he is now informed of some of the lesser-known side effects, he may choose not to partake in bloodplay.
Whether he does or not is his own personal decision and it doesn't make him crazy or sane either way. It also doesn't mean that anyone has a right to judge him or his particular fetish. I don't know about the rest of you, but I would much rather have someone ask a question like his and gain the knowledge to make an informed decision than have them break out the knives and play it by ear. When people are ostracized to the point where they stop asking for advice and information about risky practices, THAT is when accidents happen and lives are lost.
I will climb down off my soapbox now, but I ask you to keep something in mind when you reply to future posts that you may not agree with. The thing that makes this site stand out from the rest of the pack, the very thing that makes it worth coming back to time and again, is the lack of judgmental bickering and hypocritical name-calling that pervades just about every other board out there. Let's keep it that way.
Brandye on “Penis Running Out Of Gas”
Not unusual. Now you are trying so hard and being so concerned that the loss of erection has become a self-fulfilling prophesy. If your girlfriend is not upset, take that as a sign that she has confidence. When that happens, have her try another approach. Hand, mouth, tickle, shaking - whatever comes to her mind. This will further build your confidence.
Men who experience this often have more "difficulty" in one or another position. Supporting yourself on top as you approach takes more energy. For some men, being on bottom shifts the control and this softens them. Talk it out and try different approaches.
Bobnova on “Penis Running Out Of Gas”
I've had this happen a couple of times, for a couple of different reasons.
The first, was when I was just getting into sex, and the act of putting on a condom killed my erection two thirds of the time (major pain in the ass). That one we solved by switching birth control methods (we both know that neither of us has any STDs).
More recently this has happened a few times, when we start having sex a second time, shortly after the first. If I don't get a fairly large amount of stimulation, it just goes limp. I've found three things that help, and here they are:
1) Find the muscles that control your erection (the same ones you use to stop pissing) when you feel yourself going soft, or while your putting a condom on, or whatever, clench these, and hold them. You will probably have to "work them out" for a while before you can hold them for any length of time (next time you take a piss, practice stopping it mid stream). These are the ones that the semi-famous "Kegel" exercises (http://www.sexinfo101.com/ic_kegel.shtml), strengthen, do those anyway, as they after a while, make any sex better, for both parties.
2) Think about, or picture what your doing with, about to do with, or was doing with, your girlfriend (in turn you on the most, give yourself a imaginary porno to watch)
3) change positions. If you’re not getting enough stimulation, switch to something you get more in, missionary is one of the better ones for guys, though not so great for girls. Think back to porn, and try some of those (you'll probably want to try them before using them to combat loosing your erection, as switching and trying to figure it out isn't exactly stimulating).
P.S. the hardest part is not worrying about the fact that you’re loosing the erection, which is the one thing you shouldn't be thinking about, naturally.
Justme2 on “Being Overweight”
Well, as a "woman of size" for all my life, I have to say that I've rarely had trouble finding friends or lovers once I got out of high school. I'll admit that it can limit the number of positions I can try (though I've been doing exercises and have become fairly limber!), but I don't think I'm missing too much.
I admit that I get the same anxiety when meeting a potential new lover, and there've been a few times I've sent out a pic only to not hear from the guy again, but I just figure, "Hey, it's his loss!"
Your B/F knows that there's more there than just a cute ass -- he enjoys the WHOLE person, which is what's important, right?