Brandye on Anal Sex … who likes it?
I like to have it played with, especially during oral sex. I do not like a penis in there.
The anus is a one-way passage/ it is designed to hold everything in until you want to empty your bowels and then allow the stuff to come out. It is not designed to accept entering objects.
I have tried it and I find very uncomfortable. Many have suggested that I could get used to it and learn to like it. Medically, what that means is that the sphincter muscles would become stretched and relaxed. That could lead to incontinence problems in later life. That is they would not be tight enough to prevent continual leakage.
Anal intercourse involves tearing until you are stretched out. Given the germs in the area, this can easily lead to infections. I have treated some horrible urethral infections in men and the germs identified are always entero-bacteria. They can get there from any contact but anal sex is really pushing them into the male urethra.
OK, I am with SexGoddess, but many of you will continue. For anal intercourse, lots of lubrication and always, always, always use a condom.
Brandye on Anal Sex, can it do damage?
What you saw in the movie is what is actually happening to yours. In the long term, the best of the bad side effects will be a case of hemorrhoids.
The anus is designed as a one-way passage - out. It is not designed to allow anything in and lacks the elasticity of the vagina. Cuts and tears are common and these all provide an entrance for the abundant bacteria in the area. Virtually every act of anal sex results in some trauma (sorry, Sarduchi). Medically, anal sex is not a good idea.
Possible side issues: anal sex is not a good contraceptive technique. OK, the semen goes in a different place. Drainage, however, is much greater than from the vagina. Vaginal tissues absorb much of the semen. The rectum does not absorb so, eventually, all the semen, populated with the happy little sperm, drains only a centimeter or so from your vaginal entrance. Lots of them will find their way in.
Most urethral and prostate infections in men are caused by entero-bacteria. These are supposed to be in the intestines. There are many ways for them to end up in the male urethra, usually migration in damp undershorts, but anal sex crams them in the male urethra.
OK, so many do it anyway. Always use a condom. Always. Use plenty of water-based lubricant. The non-latex condoms are less abrasive than latex and the spermicidal lubricated ones should not be used. Bottom line (pardon the pun), know the risks and decide if it is worth it.
OK, lots of people do it. Will everyone have dire consequences? Depends on "dire”. The minimum permanent damage a regular can expect is a bad case of hemorrhoids. To get started will always cause damage. The anus is just not large enough to accept a rigid penis of normal girth and neither the skin nor the anal sphincters have the natural elasticity to accept that readily. In the French Lieutenants Woman, the classic line is "it only hurts the first time." That was addressing vaginal sex. Once the hymen is out of the way, everything else has the elasticity to accept what almost any man has to offer. The anus has no such disposable blockage.
Once the muscles are stretched, the pain stops and insertion becomes much easier. Forty years later, the muscles will be even looser. One of my patients told me, "Old age is when the dreams get drier and the farts get wetter”. Scots have a lovely way with words, but there is some truth to that. All else considered, loosening up the anal sphincters will be the difference between wearing diapers because of leakage. This will not show up at 30 or even 40. It will show up.
What she saw in the movie was the thrusting of the penis pulling and pushing the anal sphincters. You cannot fool the camera. The penis is pushing and pulling the end of the intestine, the rectum, in and out of the anus. That is causing hemorrhoids, at least. The more lube, the less push and pull, but it is still happening.
My other cautions regarding the remaining possibility of pregnancy and of urethral infections are not warning of "dire consequences”, they are merely statements of fact.
I enjoy anal play, especially while having cunnilingus performed. I do not accept anal penetration by a penis. Tried it once and we took the condom off and I worked some magic with my lips and tongue. I had lost interest in my own satisfaction.
Vette1963 on Anal Sex, can it do damage?
Seems some enjoy it others have to acquire it. like acquiring the enjoyment of fine scotch. my partner enjoys anal stimulation with and without penetration. there are a lot of nerve endings near the anus. if properly lubricated and in the mood a small dildo or butt plug seems to excite her and me. some times a butt plug with vaginal intercourse is a great way to enjoy a relaxful afternoon matinee for something different. I’m lucky we communicate well if she wants something that day we do it and visa versa. we are not into putting very large things in her anus or her vagina- anal sex is ok every once in a while but remember relaxation and lots and lots of lube.
Patientman on Oral Sex, and pain
Performing oral sex on a woman successfully takes some research. Doing it right will send your lady into outer space, and make her scream. Doing it wrong will make her close her legs and watch TV until you fall asleep, then finish the job by hand. (correct me if I'm wrong girls).
I've found that oral sex with a woman is divided into two distinct categories.
#1 stimulation - you have to keep in mind that with us about the only thing that needs to happen is stroking up and down. And the closer we come to orgasm the faster the stroking need to be until we finally erupt. Not so with women. Stimulation with women needs to be a culmination of slow and sensuous massaging, licking, and nibbling. This doesn't a lot of times have anything to do with the clitoris or vagina. It's the erogenous areas all over her body. This may take 30 min or longer to get a woman to the point of being ready to concentrate on an orgasm. What her body is doing during this process is starting to produce a constant amount of fluid that will lubricate her during step 2. It should also be said that unlike us, faster is NOT better. You should also be watching and paying attention to facial expressions and body movements this will tell you more than anything will.
#2 - The orgasm. After you have her exited enough to be consistently producing that sweet sweet liquid, you can start on the orgasm. Again, with us it's gripping it harder and stroking it faster. For a woman, it's not so much slow or fast, but consistent. My girl friend cums the hardest when I take my tongue slowly, lightly (but consistently) from her vagina dragging those sweet juices up and over her clitoris. The key is when you feel her starting to react and raise her hips up don't start going faster and harder. Keep the same slow light rhythm. Only after she is well into her orgasm do you do something different. Then sucking her clitoris into your mouth and lightly scraping it with your teeth will make her go through the roof. Keep on sucking it don't stop until she pushes your head back. Always go back to slow and easy. I do this 4 or 5 times before we have sex. Do this and you'll never have to worry about another man taking your place.
Brandye on Masturbation, why girls won’t
There is a clear relationship between the age of women beginning to masturbate and sexual satisfaction/interest later in life. The earlier we start playing with ourselves, the more interested we are likely to be later. Certainly, individuals overcome this, but this is the general pattern.
Religion, old-fashioned sex ed and all that stuff that tells kids (boys and girls) that it is not nice to touch yourself down there delays masturbation - especially in women. In boys, it builds up a head of steam and out it comes in a dream. That does not happen to women without some help.
I was raised that way and, even so, started fiddling with myself about the time my period started. Felt good but no great stuff until I accidentally had an orgasm. Then it became a weekly event for me and, naturally, I told my best friend about it. We used to masturbate together and 25 years later, still do sometimes.
Bottom line, your girlfriend is up tight about her own sexual feelings and is not likely to loosen up without professional help.
Patientman on Masturbation, why girls won’t
First of all, you have to start by talking. Most of us are taught that you just don't talk about sex, so this is one of the toughest things for some couples to overcome. I started by saying that I know this is really embarrassing and uncomfortable but I love you and I want every touch, kiss, caress, and movement to be the most wonderful thing we can experience together. It took patience and many smiles and eye gazes and kisses, but slowly we started to open up.
I started by having her just take my hands, fingers, and lips and guide them to the right places. Eventually, I asked her to show me how she touched herself. Again, this took patience and an understanding that she was taught that touching herself was wrong, and therefore should not be admitted to.
After we both admitted to masturbating, she slowly started to show me. Having enough trust in a person to allow them to watch you give yourself an orgasm is the most wonderful and sexually exiting thing we have ever done together. After many years now, we still masturbate during sex and it has become one of the biggest turn ons of our sex together. The key is lots and lots of patient honest conversation, and a willingness to wait for your partner to be at ease with you.
Brandye on Faking Orgasm
The famous scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally should be convincing. We girls can turn it on. You guys may never know the difference.
On the other side, I have had some wonderful, slow, lingering orgasms that would never bee seen as such outside my body. The male orgasm is pretty identifiable and if there is no ejaculate (except in some special situations), there was no orgasm. Every orgasm for every woman is a bit different from any others. Plus, we can be completely satisfied without an orgasm. I have had lovely times feeling him in me and loving his ejaculating deep inside me. Or I have had oral for lengthy periods that have little ups and downs but no crunching orgasm. Wonderful!
There are a few constants but I am not sure I should share our secrets with guys. Many women have involuntary nipple erections right after orgasm. I am one of those. Many of us have real muscle contractions most of the time. With a finger on the anus, it is very noticeable/
Bottom line: Quit worrying about our orgasms; they are ours. You are not responsible; we are. If we are satisfied and tell you so, do not be so hung up. Many of my greatest moments have been with women; some with men. They probably did not know exactly how great it was for me. Maybe I did not either for a day or two.
A man can be satiated without being satisfied. A woman can be satisfied without being satiated.
This yields two different world (sexual) views. Neither is right, wrong, good, or bad. Our hormones are different. And "wild pumping?" Where did that come from? I can be very happy holding him in me and receiving whatever he pumps out. I can also be happy with wild pumping. Too bad, but you guys have to figure out what we want at that moment. Or, surprise of surprises, talk to us about it.
ItalStall on cumming, difficulty with it
Everyone is different ... what feels great to one can be quite the opposite for another ... whatever body area or whichever gender you consider.
Also, a person's preferences can alter as play develops: some are sensitive to start, then can handle more intensity as they warm up; some warm up without undue sensitivity, but then become extremely sensitive as they approach climax.
The answer is to listen and observe your partners response and react accordingly. Heap it on or pull-back as required.
If your partner does not understand your needs, you should gently tell them (by word or by showing/directing them) as to what works for you. Don't assume that they can magically know what you like! They are (hopefully) doing their best already (and may be feeling quite frustrated and/or inadequate at not being able to please you fully); they just need feedback.
Figuring it out will mean a world of difference for you BOTH!
Guido on Sex after Orgasm, men & women
I am sure that (like most things) it is different strokes for different folks.
My partner cannot stand any further clitoral (or even breast) stimulation once she has orgasmed the first time - but she will come again (like an express train!) with penetration. It usually takes a lot longer and is less climactic for her with penetration first.
By the second time, indirect stimulation is often more than sufficient to give a second clitoral, as well as a "vaginal" climax. A case of "less is more"! - something us guys often tend to overlook in our own excitement.
Brandye is dead right in her comment about the importance of being kept "warmed-up" by cuddling in between - it gives her a breather, while keeping her up.
I guess the real point I am trying to make here is that every ones needs are different (and can be different at different times); so, be attentive to your partner’s responses and adapt your techniques to match. It is even better if you can get her to tell you what she likes (AND WHEN) so that you can take a lot of the guesswork out of it!
Skyclad on Orgasms from Sex, how to?
You are absolutely not alone in this situation mspersia. Most of the data I've read on the topic of female orgasm through penetration alone mentions that fewer than half of women experience orgasm from vaginal (as opposed to clitoral) stimulation. Asking the females in my own group of friends gave me similar results. Even the girls who do orgasm from the basic thrusting of intercourse don't climax every time that way.
Most women need some form of clitoral stimulation to climax. In my personal opinion, expecting most women to orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone isn't much more reasonable than expecting men to cum from a good scrotum massage. Sure, it's a heck of a good ride, but it just isn't going to get the job done most of time.
I don't have any personal experience with the G-spot cuz I haven't found mine either yet, but I do know that it's a LOT easier for me to cum from intercourse if I'm on top. If you haven't tried that position with your man, I'd definitely recommend trying it. In that position, it is very easy to either finger yourself or to grind yourself against his pubic bone, thereby giving you the clitoral stimulation that you need to get off while giving him one heck of a good show while you're at it.
So anyhow, like Guido said, just relax and enjoy the stuff that *is* giving you satisfaction. And hey, even with the frustration, I'd say you have one really great guy for him to take the time to make sure his lady gets off. As my girlfriends and I will attest to, there's a whole lot of guys out there who just don't give a rat's behind about the woman's satisfaction as long as they're getting theirs.
Girlygirl on Cunnilingus, trimming/shaving
I usually keep myself shaved. I used to think it was gross, cause it looks like a little girl's genitals, but now I think it's sexy--kind of like being extra naked. Also, I think it makes the labia more sensitive.
At least one person mentioned the problem of itching. The solution to this is simple: just shave with the hair instead of against it in the places where it itches (usually just the pubic mound, maybe the inner thighs), and you will get almost no itches. You can't get as clean a shave this way, so shave against the hair in areas that don't give you problems.
Brandye on Help stop the Pain! Penis too big
There is probably some issue other than the size of his penis. Almost all vaginas can accept almost all penises with no problem. OK, I like medium sized and not too stiff best but I have never been overwhelmed. Sorry guys, that is the way it is. If a seven-pound baby can get out, a quarter pound penis is no threat.
Let's look at the easiest first. Until a woman develops a real desire, there is usually not enough lubrication. Grease it up! Get an Ortho II starter kit and use a whole applicator full leaving a little bit to lube the outer entrance. You will want to do this after any oral play.
Secondly, you may have a particularly tough hymen. It takes ten seconds for your doctor to correct this. When I do initial pelvic exams for young women, I sometimes ask if she wants it done to eliminate problems later. It is not common but not unusual either. Yes, you can do stretching but in really tough cases, a little touch is helpful.
As you experience pain, it tenses you up and makes it both worse and more likely to occur next time. Most women are most relaxed and receptive immediately after orgasm. That is a good time to take him in. Relax.
Your idea about position is a good one. With you on top, you have more control and will be able to pace things. The bonus is that many men last longer when their bodies are not tensed up holding themselves over you.
Following certain surgeries women use increasing diameter stents, plastic, teflon or stainless, to stretch themselves without doing damage. You need not buy an expensive set of stents but may want a collection of candles of increasing diameter. Put a condom over them if you want. And use lubrication. K-Y or similar water based "personal lubricant" is easy to clean up and has no characteristic smell.
Xx22xx on Fingering, Enjoyable time for girlfriend
Aright...start to finish as you wish...
start out with kissing/making out and holding each other...make it seem like you're NOT in it JUST for the hookup, make sure she's relaxed and where you're somewhere that no one's going to walk in/see you. then as you're making out, shift into a position that it will be easy access for you and comfortable for her...take your time, and make sure you run your hands over every part of her body, especially the inside of her thighs and her chest, to make sure she'll be wet when you actually get to fingering her.
The easiest way is obviously with her pants off, but assuming this is her first time too, she may not be very comfortable not having most of her clothes on in front of you. And assuming that, then I found that one of the easiest ways for both guy and girl is for the guy to be sitting up (this works best on a couch type thing) and leaning back with the girl laying down (horizontally obviously) with her head/mostly the upper body in the guys lap...this girl has her knees bent with her legs spread, and her pants only need to be unbuttoned it's a turn on if the girl starts with her legs together and the guy slides his hands in between her thighs and rubs her entire 'area' over her pants.
Then he unbuttons her pants and undoes the zipper/whatever (we're not going to think you're retarded if you need both hands to undo our pants, cuz we do to) so anyway, then repeating rubbing her entire area over her panties, then finally doing it without anything in between your hand and her. I found that it feels best if the guy then VERY slowly slides one finger between the lips, and puts it inside just a little, enough to get it wet, press it gently on her as you pull out, and keep moving upwards until you feel her clit...then circle it.
After you do that, put your finger back inside of her, move it in and out slowly for maybe a minute or so, and try to spread her 'wetness' around her entire area so if you rub a different way it won't be dry and hurt her. Then she should be wet enough that you can put two fingers in, possibly three but don't push it, remember to watch her body language, if she's arching her back or raising her hips, she likes it a lot. so when you have the 2 (possibly 3) fingers inside of her, it feels better to go a little faster (in and out), just don't be rough and don't ignore her clit...teasing it feels realllllllly good. and if u've been doing it for awhile, then pull your hand out of her pants, and rub her outside of her pants, then go back in to give you and her a rest for a little while.
In the future, being in this position will be good for you because her head and hands are in easy reach of guess what!! Your dick!! so all you need to do is just take her hand and put it on your dick, over your pants to start, and show her how to rub it...and then for oral sex a little later on, all you have to do is roll her head to the side, and it's easy for her to swing around to being in front of you on her knees.........good enough??
Vette1963 on Oral/Fingering Ladies
Fingering and oral are a self-taught art - differs girl to girl. I have found out that if you take time and rub her mound of pussy hair for a while they tend to warm up. Gentle pressure on the mound and move your hand around - star at the bottom of her stomach use your whole hand almost like a massage on the outside of her pussy. then slide your middle finger over her clit to the actual hole and move it in and out like a swinging door that is attached at the top - just barely catch the bottom of the hole as you going in very shallow strokes in and out. she should be or getting pretty wet by now - now try sticking a finger or two in her and if you can change positions so your head is at her feet turn you hand palm up and insert your finger try to find a spot or rough surface on the inside of her on the outer wall - with any luck you will have found her G-Spot massage it gently. Circular or up and down motion on the spot should get her pretty hot. Don’t get upset if you don't find it the first time some are smaller than others and maybe hard to find but when you do both of you will know. As far as oral goes - spread her pussy lips and expose the clit or the clit hood your objective her is to massage the clit with your warm and wet tongue - you may have to get under the hood of the clit depending on her level of excitement - just gently move the foreskin/hood around. Massage her pussy lips with your thumb and forefinger there are lots of nerve endings in the lips that we males don't pay much attention to or forget to. The whole pussy region is full of nerve endings that when stimulated adds to the pleasure.
Risky on Orgasm, can’t get her there
Hey man it's all about communication and understanding your partner’s reactions. Don't be afraid to ask her what she likes or to take advice from her. Let her show you what she like and pay attention to what she likes because no one knows her body than her. Try stimulating her more than just one way at a time, but by all means don't stop something that she likes (except if your teasing), but add to it so if for some reason one isn't working you have something to fall back on. Stimulating the G-spot is always a plus, but not all girls are familiar with the feeling it makes them feel like they have to pee, so some girls will hold back the feeling and that just ruins everything. They must relax and let go. Try toys too, like maybe a vibrating egg on her clitoris while you stimulate here G-spot. It just takes time for some people to learn their partner and understand what they need. So be observant and communicate.
Brandye on Peeing during sex, my g/f feels like she has to
A very common problem. There is a lot of action going on there and pressure on both the bladder and urethra can cause an intense need to pee whether or not there is actually urine ready to drain.
You will note in many of the discussion of G Spots, many women develop an intense need to pee while the G Spot is being sought - with the same results your girlfriend has. I probably ran to the loo two dozen times the first time we went looking. Same for my girlfriend. The front surface of the vagina is just behind the urethra and the pressure stimulates a feeling of needing to urinate.
Now, the whitish liquid. Could be discharge from the Cowpen's glands - sometimes thought of as female ejaculation. Also possibly indicates a slight urinary infection. Most of us experience urinary tract infections from time to time, whether or not we are sexually active. Sexually active women are slightly more prone but no rational doctor would make that a big deal. We see them every day in both men and women.
She should get it checked out. Simple urethritis is treatable with a regimen of anti-biotics; left untreated, there can be bad results.
Druid on Can Girl have Orgasm without Cumming?
Quote (pennylane @ Jan. 09 2003,13:30)
...I'm quite sure I orgasm but my partner doesn't believe me because nothing much comes out of me, well I'm guessing that's why he thinks I'm not orgasming...
Ask him ask him ask him ask him ASK HIM!
If you're in a sexual relationship where he doesn't believe what you tell him and you guys can't have a conversation about it, then that should be waving one heck of a giant red flag in your face. Gee let me think, "there's no communication, an obvious lack of trust, and we don't know anything about our own bodies..." sounds like a good relationship in dire need of more sex to me, right? WRONG.
After reading your posts in other topics as well, my advice to you has to be to keep your pants on until you've gained relationship skills and become informed enough about your own body (and his) to make mature decisions. Continue to ask questions and to read everything you can get your hands on (this site is a huge help). Go to Planned Parenthood and talk to the doctors there. Learn as much as you possibly can. Then start having sex if you feel you're ready for it, not before. Please don't hop into bed without knowing what you're doing just because he says you should, or because it feels good, or because everyone else has you fooled into thinking they're doing it too. Whether you're 13 or 30 when you start having sex, if you start before you're truly ready you'll end up regretting it down the road and that would be a tragedy.
Brandye on G Spot, Finding it
There are many questions here about “fingering”, “rubbing.” etc, when playing with girlfriends’ genitals. Perhaps both men and women here would be interested in some facts regarding what is euphemistically called “female sexual response”. There are chapters and sites that describe total response in great detail – mask on the face, blushing on upper chest, nipple erection, myotonia (muscle tensing) and so on. These things are all real but differ greatly among women. Here is a description of what is going on in your (her) genitals.
Firstly, the action is not inside the vagina. There are no nerve endings in there or childbirth would be excruciating. What is felt is pressure on the vulva, the labia and, even, some internal organs? “Feeling him come”, is accurate but not the way we think it is. We do not feel the ejaculate squirting into us; what we feel, sometimes, is the throbbing of the penis against our outer parts. This does not mean that we do not have a sense of “depth” but it is from other responses than feeling the penis in the sheath we provide.
But, you ask, “What about the G Spot?” The G Spot is not medically documented. OK, I know I have one but it eludes complete medical explanation. Probably the best explanation, scientifically, is that there is a ligament running behind where we describe the G Spot. This is being pushed around, gently, and causing response, including moving the urethra and, even, the hood of the clitoris. The G Spot is one of those elusive things that is as much faith as science. It takes regular partners a while to make it really work.
So, let’s forget about physically pleasing women with fingers stimulating her vagina. A quarter inch does as much as three inches penetration. The pleasant feelings are on the labia, not inside. The clitoris is the focus. And you men will be amazed to know that we often feel assaulted on this little protuberance rather than stimulated. She includes all the nerve endings that the penis has scrunched into a really small bundle.
Now, what is happening with all this stuff as we become stimulated? The labia become engorged with blood. This causes opening or spreading of the vulva. “Opening like a flower”, is a beautiful description. Everything that becomes exposed is usually neatly closed within and protected from stimulation. Unlike the penis which is battered by pants seams and other external jolts all day, our stuff is bundled up, hidden away and protected from external stimulus. So, when exposed this is a very sensitive area with all the now shiny and damp surfaces picking up every touch and movement. The engorgement of the area makes it even more sensitive because everything feels full and slightly distended. Be gentle.
While the labia spread open, they become lubricated and “receptive”. And give access to the clitoris as well as the vaginal opening. Here is the complicated part. The clitoris goes through three distinct phases in arousal. It starts out well hidden and protected under its hood. As the area becomes engorged with blood, the clitoris becomes erect, the same as a penis. At this point, we are all different and care must be taken or the game is over. Some remain covered with just the tip peeping out; some become larger and quite exposed. The part that is exposed is very sensitive and can barely tolerate direct stimulation in many women. As orgasm approaches and the clitoris becomes hypersensitive, she actually retracts. She is not losing the erection, but the entire organ is retracted into the body. This is a confusing thing to the inexperienced. The clitoris is at her most sensitive but more pressure and rigorous treatment is needed simply because the clitoris has sought “protection”.
Just as the penis loses erection, at least partially, immediately after ejaculation, the entire genital area of the woman begins to "resolve” after orgasm – the blood is going about its business elsewhere and the distention disappears. The clitoris loses erection, the labia get small and the vulva closes over everything returning to its “natural” state. The entire body relaxes.
This now becomes more personal experience than medical fact because each woman is unique and the way we move through the stages of response may differ greatly from one time to another. Assuming a nice session of hugging, kissing, breast play, and general getting ready, when you reach into my crotch, I spread without thinking. Start with your whole hand covering the entire pubic area. And rub gently and firmly and then take my lead. Maybe I will be in the mood for some finger dipping; maybe not; my movements will tell you because I may not even know what I want next. While the clitoris is erect, do not assault her; a finger on either side moving the hood up and down will probably be enough. When I really arch up, then pressure with a finger can be tolerated and I am looking for more.
While male sexual response is just as complicated, what is wanted is more obvious and easily supplied. Women are confusing to ourselves as well as to men. A hard suck on the head of the penis will bring the same reaction in most men. A firm tongue flick across the clitoris may have unpredictable consequences.
Women have more subtle responses and so tend to be more subtle in our treatment of men, leaving them a bit unsatisfied; men are less subtle in their responses and often rush to the wrong things – such as jamming a finger into us or battering the clitoris, leaving us a bit unsatisfied.
Because we are so different, I am certain that many women will add to this and there may be as much dialogue among women as between women and men. There is much to be learned from “masturbating” one another. The responses can be seen; communication can be verbal as well physical. It is great fun, can give great orgasms and no one will get pregnant!
?wiseman? on Understanding her, How can I pleasure her better?
Panda, I too have been married for a long time (17yrs) and while sex is not as frequent with my wife, it is still extraordinary. You don't mention if your wife has always preferred "straight sex" over heavy petting or if her tastes have changed over the years.
If you're household is anything like mine, simply finding the time and energy to have sex on a regular basis is a challenge. Again, not knowing too much about your circumstances, here are my thoughts.
Being with one partner for so long can result in a pattern of sexual practice. As such, your wife may feel that she gets the most satisfaction from intercourse so she simply wants to "get to it and get it over with”. You say that she enjoys sex, but has trouble relaxing. Is it possible that you're moving a little too quickly and she doesn't get the chance to relax?
If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion. Try and "schedule" a few hours out of your busy schedules on a weekend. Ask the neighbors or a friend to watch the kids if you have them and let your wife have a little downtime. Find a nice movie, something that you think she'll like, and sit down with her to watch it. Don't let her worry about the laundry or any other normal activities. Make it HER day.
Toward the end of the movie, run her a nice warm bath and light some candles. Again, reinforce that this is HER time to relax. While she's relaxing in the bath, light some candles in your bedroom, warm some oil and put on some soft music.
When she exits the bath, take her by the hand and lead her to the bed. Now, one of two things will happen. She'll go with the moment, or she'll hesitate. If she hesitates, be OK with that. Let her relax and you go do the chores that she would normally be doing. If she's interested in seeing where you're going with this, reinforce, again, that this is HER day.
Now, give her a slow, luxurious full body massage. Let her direct you. Ask her what feels good. Gently explore her body and take note of what she responds to and what she does not. TAKE YOUR TIME! Gently caress her breasts, buttocks, thighs, hands, face and feet. Don't let her try to engage you. This is her time. Talk to her. Ask her what she likes. Ask her what she wants you to do.
The point is- Focus all your energy on pleasing her and most importantly, pay attention to her queues- COMMUNICATE.
Xx22xx on Where does a Guy Start?
#1) Yes, you start with making out. You know the whole baseball metaphor, (1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base…) so just follow that. Each base is more of a turn on and a step further as you move around the ‘diamond’. So, by the time you get to 3rd, or ‘hand sex’, fingering, or jerking off, both partners should be turned on pretty well. There’s nothing more important than taking your time. As for moving your hand down to her pants, work up to it. Or more like down to it. Most likely you’ll be feeling her up, so your hands will already be on her body. Just kind of move them all over the place, down to her legs and up the insides of her thighs. A good idea before fingering is to rub her outside of her pants, then undo her pants, and rub her outside of her underwear, and then finally rub her skin to skin. As for techniques on doing this, click here: Oral/Fingering Ladies
#2) When you finger a girl, there is no set position. It would be nice if your face was near hers so you could kiss, or so you can hear her breathing.
#3) Like I said in #1, click here: Oral/Fingering Ladies and here: Sounds of Pleasure. Keep in mind that it's different for every girl.
#4) You may not even be ‘ready’ to just kiss. It’s all depending on who the partners are and how comfortable they are together. It does happen that if you’ve been fingered before, or done anything else before, and it comes up again, you may not want to do that, and you should respect that.