Monday, December 10, 2007

Q & A: I love to masturbate. Is there a point when its too much?

Q. I love to masturbate. I am a 23 yr old male and I masturbate sometimes 3 times a day. I am worried that this is too much or that I might ruin myself for a lady. Is there a point when its too much?

sign me.......
Not till I go blind

Dear Not Blind:

There is no rule to say how much is too much when it comes to masturbation. There are however, some questions you might ask yourself. Do you spend time masturbating while the world is passing you by? Do you masturbate so often that it is effecting your work or school performance?

Are you not looking for a partner, or seeking out your partner because you are always masturbating during your free time? In other words, if you spend so much time masturbating that you are no longer functioning well in society or if you always choose to masturbate rather than be with your partner, you have passed the point of "normal." If you have tried to slow the activity and find that you are unable to do so, you should seek out a therapist.

On the other hand, If all is well in your life... masturbation is a wonderful healthy release that will stem sexual frustration when a partner is not available to you.

Q & A: I want to try anal sex with my wife

Q. I want to try anal sex with my wife and she turns it down persistently. Is there any way to possibly persuade her to try it. All I am asking is for her to try it, nothing more. She hates her butt, and this might have something to do with all of this, but we often have sex with her face down on bottom with her butt in plain view. She also lets me kiss all over it (now) and she even performs some anal routines on me (without provocation) and ENJOYS it! This somehow doesn't seem fair. Also, some tips and/or suggestions would also benefit.

No Butts

Dear No Butts:

There are many taboos about anal sex and some are hard to overcome. The anal canal is teeming with nerve endings that afford wonderful sensations to those that indulge, but not everyone is willing to try it.

I'm surprised your wife will engage in anal activity with you while not permitting you to try it with her. Could it be she is afraid of the size of your penis compared to a finger? Or could there be a medical reason for her shyness such as hemorrhoids? You will need to talk to her about this in a relaxed comfortable environment... not while engaging in a sexual activity.

If it is fear of size or pain, you might start out with a small rubber dildo and see if she finds she enjoys the stimulation. Remember to use a good water based lubricant such as Astroglide or Slippery Stuff. Vasoline does not wash off easily so it is not recommended for anal sex. You should allow your wife to gently push against whatever object you decide to use, while you apply steady pressure. This way she controls the speed and degree of penetration. Also some people are extremely concerned with the cleanliness aspect of anal sex... she may want to have advanced notice of your intent before engaging. Enemas are not an uncommon preparation.

If you find that you are unable to discuss the subject easily, there are many books that touch on the subject and a few of my educational videos do also. You might consider watching one of those together which will afford you the opportunity to discuss different activities that are turn-ons for both of you.

Q & A: Premature ejaculation - how to extend ones lovemaking

Q. I'm wondering if there are any books explaining how to extend ones lovemaking. Or more to the point, how to control ejaculation so that it doesn't occur quite as quickly.

I don't think my condition qualifies as "premature," but I certainly am quicker to come than my girlfriend would like.

Thanks for your help.

There are many degrees of premature ejaculation the most severe being, where the man ejaculates at the thought that he is going to have sex with a woman. It can also be defined as any time the man cannot keep himself from orgasming before HE wants to. That is to say if his partner requires 20 minutes of intercourse before she reaches orgasm and he climaxes after 15 minutes, he is ejaculating prematurely because he cannot delay his climax as long as he would like.

There are a couple of quick fixes you can try but I feel as though they take away some of the pleasure. Wearing condoms will sometimes make men last longer as some of the sensation is dulled. The same is true of the delay creams and sprays, while they do seem to work for most men, they also dull the sensations.

Learning the techniques for control is the best way by far. The techniques are simple but it does take some time and practice to achieve satisfying results. It is usually recommended that you refrain from intercourse while you are learning the techniques although you need not refrain from orgasm.

The first step is to be able to recognize the feeling that you get just before you orgasm. It is the moment just BEFORE the point of no return. For this exercise you must masturbate slowly with or without a partner, paying close attention to the sensations you are feeling. It is helpful if you do not use any lubrication at this time. Your goal is to slow down before you reach the edge where there is no stopping your orgasm.

For some men it will be enough to just slow the activity, others may need to stop completely, while still others will need to stop and squeeze the base of the penis till the urge to climax has passed.

There is a muscle, the pubococcygeus or PC, that when strengthened will help delay orgasm also. The PC muscle can be found on a man by placing a finger behind the testicles while pretending you are stopping the flow of urine. Once you know where the muscle is, and how it works, you can practice tightening it in sets of ten. The exercise is the same for both men and women, but in women it allows for the muscle to tighten around her partner's penis.

Q & A: Way to prevent pubic area shave side effects?

Q. A while ago I decided to shave my wife's pubic area. It was a real turn-on for both of us until the next day or two when my wife was not so happy. She seemed to have a rash then the itching started. We both loved the sensation when she was newly shaved. Is there some way to prevent the side effects?


Dear Dan,

Shaving is used in many different sexual situations. It is important in practicing infantilism, body painting or transvestism, but is also used by tops to bring about submission and humiliation. The contrast of sensation before and after shaving is substantial and many people consider the added sexual pleasure of being shaved to be worth the effort. Unfortunately there is no foolproof way to avoid the symptoms you mention, but there are some actions you can try to alleviate them.

When you shave be sure to shave in the same direction as the hair growth. Try using lotion and baby powder to curb itching or Hibiclens, Neoporin or an apricot facial scrub. Cotton underwear will reduced the sticking problems.

Be aware that shaving causes small cuts in the skin and for this reason is considered a blood sport and an unsafe sex practice. Safety razors and sterile techniques should be used. Do not share razors. Do not use a straight razor unless you are a trained professional.

Q & A: Why some areas are erogenous and others are not?

Q. Can you explain why some areas are erogenous and others are not? I know not everyone has the same spots but what makes them erogenous in the first place?


Dear Casey,

Touching a person creates a sensation from pressure placed on the skin. It is the only one of our senses that we can experience simultaneously with another person.

Beneath the skin's surface are nerve endings which respond to specific types of touch. Some nerve endings or receptors detect pain, others light touch, or cold and still others deep pressure, which seems to override all other sensations. Where these receptors are more dense, stimulation is more pleasurable.

As a survival mechanism our bodies register pleasure when we engage in certain activities (i.e. eating, nursing, sexual intercourse, and defecation). Our brain assumes we are eating when pressure is applied to the lips or tongue, that we are nursing when nipple stimulation occurs and so forth. By this natural process, we are able to become aroused by touching areas of the body other than genitals.

There is a simple test you can try with a hairpin and a ruler to find your most erogenous areas. The tips of the hairpin are spread from two millimeters to seven centimeters in distance and run along the surface of the skin. The object is to determine at which point one can feel the sensation of two pin tips instead of one. The closer the two points can be recognized, the more sensitive the area is to touch. The following is an example of the variances:

tip of tongue 1-2mm
clitoris 3-4mm
glands of penis 5-9mm
erect 9-15mm
post orgasm 3-4mm
anus 4-5mm
nipples 8-10mm
lips 4-5mm
neck 50-60mm

Q & A: During her menstrual flow, she is not interested in doing anything sexual

Q. I have a satisfying sex life with my partner. But, during her menstrual flow, she is not interested in doing anything sexual at all. I certainly share her disinterest in intercourse during that period of time! But is it normal and usual for women to be adverse to any form of sex at that point, or is it just a peculiarity of hers?

Curious Man

Dear Curious,

Often women who are very focused on obtaining orgasm, do not have an inclination for sexual activity when intercourse is not possible. If both you and your wife are not interested in intercourse during menstruation, she may feel as though she doesn't want to get "turned-on" only to be left unfulfilled. It is important to relationships to learn to enjoy touching, kissing and other sensual activities with your partner without the need for either person to reach orgasm or without the pressure of feeling as though you must help your partner obtain orgasm each time. Talk with your wife about touching strictly for the pleasure of the shared intimacy.

Q & A: Retarded ejaculation

Q. I know everyone thinks it's great if a man can last a long time, but I last too long. My girlfriend becomes sore and both of us are upset before I finally have an orgasm. I don't want to be too quick but this is ridiculous.

Too Slow

Dear Too Slow,

The problem you are describing is called retarded ejaculation. Although premature ejaculation is more common, you are not the only man to suffer with retarded ejaculation.

This condition is caused either by some medical problem or a psychological problem. Your first step should be to consult a urologist. If medical problems are ruled out, a therapist should be able to help you. Often one of the factors in psychological retarded ejaculation is a relationship problem. The male is subconsciously 'holding back', most commonly from fear of involvement. Solving the relationship problem is the key to a cure.

Q & A: I am no longer able to become erect without direct stimulation

Q. I am a male in my late forties and am in a relationship with a woman of 30. I think our sex life is great but I am no longer able to become erect without direct stimulation, such as touching my penis by myself or my partner. I think this is normal for a man my age, but my girlfriend says this is adversely affecting our sex life as she is taking this as a personal insult.

HELP! sign me Aging Al

Dear Al,

My compliments to you for being aware of this normal aging process! Between the ages of 40-60yrs men start to lose their ability to have psychogenic erections. The age varies with each man as does the stimuli that produces psychogenic erections. A whiff of their partner's cologne or a picture of a pretty girl was probably enough to trigger an erection in younger days.. but not any longer.

The solution is a simple one... your partner must now include foreplay for you, the same way you have used it to benefit her. Since this process does not have a medical name, your partner may not be aware of it's normal progression. She may even be feeling as though you are no longer attracted to her. Take time to explain what is happening to your body... and together you can explore the wonders of foreplay... foreplay is often as good or better than the main event!

Q & A: She says she's having orgasms but I'm not so sure

Q. My current partner finds it difficult to talk to me about what she is feeling or wanting when we have sex. She says she's having orgasms but I'm not so sure. Its difficult as a male to know exactly what she needs since she wont or can't tell me. Are there any hard and fast rules?


Dear David,

There are no easy answers when looking at human sexual response. It is different from one woman to the next and some women react differently from one orgasm to another. There are no hard and fast rules, but there are some guidelines you can follow if you are familiar with the female stages of arousal.

It's easy when foreplay starts, to know if your partner is interested. She responds with easy to read body language such as returning kisses, touching your body, or her nipples will harden from your touch. As arousal progresses, she may moan, move her hips and her breathing will become more rapid. Her clitoris will swell and harden and she will start producing lubrication.

As she becomes more excited, she will reach a plateau. This stage is often confusing to men and some women who are not familiar with it. The clitoris will retreat back under it's hood and a noticeable calming will occur. It appears that the female has either lost interest or has had an orgasm to someone not familiar with the plateau stage. What is really needed is continued stimulation. If stimulation continues this stage passes rapidly and brings her very close to orgasm.

At this point it can become even more confusing to men. Males need stimulation up to the point of orgasm and after a certain point, they are going to orgasm no matter what happens next. This is not true for women. Women need stimulation up to the point of orgasm AND through it. Any deviation in stimulation will produce some change in orgasm. This means, if you stop stimulation abruptly, her orgasm will stop, slowing stimulation will slow her climax.

It is also important to know that just before orgasm, many women become quiet, and stop movement as they concentrate on their approaching climax. Don't allow this final stage to confuse you, just continue whatever it is you are doing.

It might be helpful for you to ask your partner to masturbate for you so you can see what she likes. Or ask her what certain movements mean..."when you arch your back like that, is it because what I'm doing feels good or are you coming?" If she is uncomfortable with direct questions.. give her choices. "Does it feel better this way or do you prefer this?" Keep trying to open a dialogue. The more you know about your partner, the better the sex will be.

Q & A: Some hints to make it better first time

Q. I am a 22 year old female virgin. I am soon to be married and although I know my fiance wants my first sexual experience to be wonderful, I am scared.

He has very high expectations for it and I don't want to let him down.. or myself for that matter. Can you give us some hints to make it better for both of us.


Dear Sally,

Let me first take the pressure off of you. Most women do not have an orgasm the first time they have sex. You need to know that if this happens to you, you are not a failure. Good sex comes with time and patience. It is a process of learning each others likes and dislikes and also learning to relax.

There are ways of making your first time special, even if you do not orgasm. Sexual play with someone you love is not just about orgasms. It is a form of communication with your partner... the most intimate communication possible.

Im sure the image of your honeymoon night has entailed all kinds of fantasies. Be forwarned, if you are having a big wedding and plan on leaving the reception after dancing and drinking all evening, to go to a hotel for great sex, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You waited this long, wait till morning, when you are not so tired and can take your time.

Im not telling you not to kiss or hug or touch.. just not to feel you have to have intercourse because you are married.

Whenever you decide to have intercourse the first time, know that it will be remembered for its surroundings and ambiance.. not for the great sex! If morning appeals to you, have some champagne and orange juice in bed together.. maybe shower together and take time to learn how each others bodies respond to touch.

If evening is more your style... light candles around the room, play soft music and dance together naked, holding each other close. The more sensual you make your surroundings the more sensual you will feel, and feeling sensual is what good sex is all about.

Q & A: I used to be able to get an erection just by thinking about sex

Q. I am confused. I used to be able to get an erection just by thinking about sex, but now I cant. I am a 50 year old male with a gorgeous wife of 5 years. I still want and desire her but it seems my penis has other thoughts... Whats going on?


Dear Carl,

The erections you referred to are called psychogenic erections. From the start of puberty to middle age, males acquire psychogenic erections from looking at pictures, reading erotic materials or just thinking about sexual turn ons.

As a man grows older these erections become less firm and happen less often. Eventually they stop all together. Be assured this is not the end of your sex life!

You will need to make some minor adjustments and so will your partner. If your wife used your erection as a sign of your desire to be with her sexually, you will need to express your sexual desire physically or verbally.

Or if you are not uncomfortable touching yourself in front of her, you can masturbate until you are erect.

Some women are uncomfortable touching their partner if he does not have an erection. Dont be afraid to guide her hand to your flaccid penis to "show" her what you want and need. Fellatio seems to work extremely well in producing good solid erections also, but if your wife has never enjoyed performing orally on you, I doubt she will suddenly start now.

You might suggest she try licking and kissing the shaft and head of your penis without actually taking it into her mouth. Most women who shy away from fellatio are afraid of choking or gagging if you ejaculate in their mouths. This might be a less troubling solution for her.

Most importantly, discuss the changes you are experiencing. Let your wife know you desire her as much as you ever did and show her in your daily life.

Q & A: She needs more touching

Q. My wife of 15 years has been complaining to me that she needs more touching. I try to manually stimulate her, but this usually brings about a rapid advance to our quest for orgasm. Even though I know she has orgasms, she still refers to this 'need for touching.' Can you help me... I guess I'm lost.


Dear Derek,

Much research (using baby monkeys) has been done on solitary confinement. When left totally alone, the monkeys appear to go 'totally crazy' but the addition of a cloth doll to cuddle and hold, eases them back to reality.

The need to touch and be touched is very strong in humans also.

Touching should not be confined to the genitals. Attention should be given to every part of your partner's body. Touching, rubbing, stroking, licking, nibbling all produce lovely tactile sensations. Massage is another wonderful way to enjoy the benefits of touching. Try lying on top of each other naked and enjoying the sensations from moving your bodies slightly.

Full body contact can lead to interesting finds of new pleasure areas. You needn't limit your touching to the use of your hands. Even playing footsie under the dinner table will let your partner know you are thinking of her.

Kissing is another form of touching that should not be overlooked. It can be done anywhere and at anytime depending on the intensity of the kiss.

Many people have a pleasure zone centered around oral activities. The sensations evoked from kissing can be so intense that many people kiss each other for hours. Most often kissing is a more gentle activity but when passions are high and the mood is intense, nibbling or light biting is sometimes included. Rough kissing is usually a turn-off and should be avoided. French kissing or deep mouth kissing is enjoyed by most, but if your partner finds it offensive, don't force your tongue into her mouth.

Of course we all know it is important to touch before and during sex play, but it is also important to touch at other times throughout our day. A welcome hug and kiss can be the beginning of an evening of foreplay leading to great sex, but it should be understood that touching does not necessarily lead to sex. Touching is a sign of affection and should be practiced daily to show your partner that you care for her.

Q & A: After sex I want to cuddle and talk

I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. We have a satisfying sex life except for one area. After sex I want to cuddle and talk a while and my husband more often than not rolls over and goes to sleep. It leaves me feeling lonely after being so intimate moments earlier. Is something wrong with me? What can I do?


Dear Carol,

Masters and Johnson's research taught us that women not only need more time to become aroused and reach orgasm, but also they need more time to come down from that wonderful plateau of peak excitement. So while you are still feeling the need to touch and be touched, your husband is completely satisfied and ready to go to sleep. To be forced to come down on your own each time you engage in sexual activity does leave women feeling 'lonely'.

Talk to your husband when you are not in bed. Explain your needs for touching and talking for a few minutes after sex. This does not mean you should take this quiet time as an opportunity to discuss children, bills or the new outfit you saw while shopping. This is the time to tell each other how wonderful you make each other feel and how much in love you are.

Think of afterplay as foreplay for your next love making session. If your partner remembers you complaining about the utility bill... his choice next time will most likely be sleep. Whisper sweet loving words or share a romantic thought and he will be coming back for more.

I dont mean to sound as though I am placing all the blame on men when it comes to lack of afterplay. Many men also complain about not getting enough intimacy after sex. Afterplay is an often neglected area of sexual activity and if both partners do not make a conscious effort to remedy the situation it continues, leaving a trail of unsatisfaction. Talk to your partner... it only takes a few minutes!

Q & A: Overcoming the gag reflex during oral sex?

Q. Have you published an article for women who really want to be able to perform oral sex on their partner but have trouble overcoming the gag reflex?

My wife of 13 years tried before we got married and never had success overcoming mental and physical obstacles that turn her away from completing this act. We do now experiment and talk about different ideas. We are able to talk about our desires and expectations and she has indicated that she is leaning toward improving her ability to do this for me. She even doesn't mind warming me up by doing a little sucking to start. She truly wants to finish the job, but it is like eating oysters for some people and guacamole for others. A mental barrier is pretty tough to overcome.

So, what advice can you give another woman about overcoming this inhibition? and...

What advice can you give another woman about "How to give a perfect Blow-Job"?


Dear Jacob's Wife,

The best oral sex, whether it be cunnilingus or fellatio, is given by a person who is turned on by what he/she is doing and wants to bring pleasure to their partner. Like anything else, practice makes one proficient. It is important to tell your partner what feels good and what doesn't.

If you have a very sensitive gag reflex there are a few different ways to help overcome this problem. Pleasure Balm is a product in the Kama Sutra line of massage products that is icy hot, spearmint in taste and has a slight numbing effect.

It is said that Pleasure Balm helps control the gag reflex.

Always stay in control of the action. This means you should always be in a superior position where he cannot control the depth or speed of the penetration. Use one or both hands wrapped at the base of the penis to aid in avoiding deep penetration when your husband starts thrusting as he becomes more aroused.

The time to practice relaxing and opening your throat (if you choose to do so) is shortly after you start fellatio, when your husband is not extremely aroused. Ask him not to thrust at all and concentrate on relaxing your throat as you slowly move down the shaft and take more of his penis into your mouth.

A good 'blow job' is more than just using your mouth for sucking. Your tongue and lips should be used for licking and kissing the scrotum, the shaft, the corona and the glans. In a short time you will learn which areas bring your husband the most stimulation and pleasure.

Remember it is not necessary to deep throat your partner in order for him to be satisfied. You should find techniques that please both of you. It is sometimes helpful to shower together before oral sex if natural body odors are offensive to you. Flavored lubricants can also be helpful.

If the idea of having your partner ejaculate in your mouth is not appealing, know that this too is not a requirement for great fellatio. You can use your hands to bring him to orgasm. Many men find it very stimulating to watch their ejaculate explode onto their wife's body.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Q & A: My husband has been talking about role playing

Q. My husband has been talking about role playing in our bedroom. I am uncomfortable with the idea but I think mostly because I'm not really sure what it is. Can you explain it to me or give me some examples?


Dear Sally,

When couples role play they assume new identities, usually in accordance with their fantasies. It is a fun safe way to add new dimentions to sexual activities.

A major benefit of role playing is that when one takes on a role they can leave their inhibitions behind and `become' the person they are portraying. Imagine being the innocent school girl to your husbands role of worldly college professor. As he teaches the school girl how to make love to him, you might learn some turn-ons that you never knew about.

Or why not play prostitute to his role of business man in town for the night? This gives you a chance to wear clothing you would normally never dream of wearing or acting in a way that is totally opposite from the way you usually behave. You can be as aggressive as your fantasy allows you to be.

I hope you will give role playing a try. The possibilities are endless. I have found that once people start to get into their roles, the giggling stops and it makes for very HOT lovemaking session.

Q & A: she cannot have an orgasm when I'm on top

Q. I have been having sex with my girlfriend for about a year and she cannot have an orgasm when I'm on top. When she is on top their is no problem with her reaching orgasm. I think that perhaps my penis, being only average, is not of adequate size and may be part of the problem. Are there any techniques that you can suggest? How can I get her to have an orgasm when I'm on top? Thanks for your help.


Dear Joe,

As popular as the missionary position might be, it has some major drawbacks. What most people don't realize is that in the missionary position the penis thrusts in and out of the vagina but usually does not afford enough clitoral stimulation for the woman to reach orgasm. When the male partner is on top, the female's range of motion is very limited, other than to move upwards to meet his thrusts, so she cannot position herself to receive the stimulation she needs. The easiest remedy for couples who enjoy this position is for the woman to add clitoral stimulation by using her fingers or by purchasing The Ladybug vibrator found in my catalogue. It can be worn during intercourse and affords varying degrees of clitoral stimulation.

Research has shown yet another drawback in the male superior position. It seems that the muscles the male must tense to keep his body above his partner's, are the same muscles that trigger orgasm. This limits the male's ability to control orgasm so he won't last as long and will further aggravate the problem of premature ejaculation.

When we look at nature, we find humans are the only animals using the male superior position. Do you think they might know something we don't?? It's something worth considering!

Q & A: I can have orgasms alone but I cant have them with my partner

Q. I know there are women who are non-orgasmic but that is not my problem. I can have orgasms alone but I cant have them with my partner. Whats wrong with me? Is there anything I can do?


Dear Shelly,

This problem's solutions run the gamut from the easiest which would be prolonging foreplay, to the more complex, which would require therapy.

Usually, the answer is somewhere in between.

Most often the answer lies in learning to relax with your partner and teaching him what you already know about your body. Since you know you are orgasmic, you should find comfort in that fact and make mental notes about the things that turn you on the most including fantasies, nipple stimulation, clitoral stimulation etc.

You can make this a very erotic learning experience for your lover. Since most men are very visual, your partner will most likely enjoy watching a demonstration of your masturbation techniques. You may decide you want him to be a totally passive partner or you may, after a while, choose to guide his hand in the movements you enjoy the most.

Don't be disappointed if the first time he tries these new techniques on his own, you do not have an orgasm. With your guidance he will eventually learn what you want and need. Don't be afraid to repeat the training sessions. I'm confident he will be willing to have as many of these highly erotic teachings as necessary.

Q & A: I have been faking orgasms for years

Q. I'm a 41 year old woman and I have been faking orgasms for years with my husband. It's not that I never have an orgasm, it's just a very rare occurrence. I'm not even sure what brings them on when I have them. I know my husband would be devastated if he ever knew so I don't want to tell him but I do want things to change. I don't know where to start..


Dear Nancy,

While I will not say ladies should never fake an orgasm, I will tell you it is most often, detrimental to a good sexual relationship. Faking an orgasm can be useful only when you dont want to disappoint your partner if he wants to make love to you and you're not in the mood, such as a special anniversary.

When you reach climax, it not only feels good but also tells your partner he is doing all the right things to pleasure you. By faking an orgasm, you are sending the message that everything is perfect, but youre cheating yourself out of an orgasm, and possibly encouraging your partner to do things that are not enjoyable to you.

The most important ingredient in learning to orgasm is a relaxed atmosphere. This usually means a quiet time in your Welcome.html when you are alone.

Use a mirror to learn and explore your genitals. Become familiar with the different parts and notice the sensations you receive from touching yourself in different ways. (Some women love to have their clitoris stroked with more pressure as they become more aroused while others find the slightest touch painful as they near orgasm.)

Dont expect miracles in one session. You may need to masturbate for a while before you can bring yourself to orgasm each time. Use fantasy or erotic literature to arouse yourself and dont be afraid of trying a vibrator. Many women find the extra stimulation they offer very helpful. (There are other letters in the Ask Eve Archives on female masturbation if you need more ideas)

Once you know what feels good and arouses you, gently introduce this information to your husband. Your actions and state of arousal will spur him on and make him a receptive "student."