Sunday, December 9, 2007

Q & A: I have been faking orgasms for years

Q. I'm a 41 year old woman and I have been faking orgasms for years with my husband. It's not that I never have an orgasm, it's just a very rare occurrence. I'm not even sure what brings them on when I have them. I know my husband would be devastated if he ever knew so I don't want to tell him but I do want things to change. I don't know where to start..


Dear Nancy,

While I will not say ladies should never fake an orgasm, I will tell you it is most often, detrimental to a good sexual relationship. Faking an orgasm can be useful only when you dont want to disappoint your partner if he wants to make love to you and you're not in the mood, such as a special anniversary.

When you reach climax, it not only feels good but also tells your partner he is doing all the right things to pleasure you. By faking an orgasm, you are sending the message that everything is perfect, but youre cheating yourself out of an orgasm, and possibly encouraging your partner to do things that are not enjoyable to you.

The most important ingredient in learning to orgasm is a relaxed atmosphere. This usually means a quiet time in your Welcome.html when you are alone.

Use a mirror to learn and explore your genitals. Become familiar with the different parts and notice the sensations you receive from touching yourself in different ways. (Some women love to have their clitoris stroked with more pressure as they become more aroused while others find the slightest touch painful as they near orgasm.)

Dont expect miracles in one session. You may need to masturbate for a while before you can bring yourself to orgasm each time. Use fantasy or erotic literature to arouse yourself and dont be afraid of trying a vibrator. Many women find the extra stimulation they offer very helpful. (There are other letters in the Ask Eve Archives on female masturbation if you need more ideas)

Once you know what feels good and arouses you, gently introduce this information to your husband. Your actions and state of arousal will spur him on and make him a receptive "student."

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