Monday, December 10, 2007

Q & A: She says she's having orgasms but I'm not so sure

Q. My current partner finds it difficult to talk to me about what she is feeling or wanting when we have sex. She says she's having orgasms but I'm not so sure. Its difficult as a male to know exactly what she needs since she wont or can't tell me. Are there any hard and fast rules?


Dear David,

There are no easy answers when looking at human sexual response. It is different from one woman to the next and some women react differently from one orgasm to another. There are no hard and fast rules, but there are some guidelines you can follow if you are familiar with the female stages of arousal.

It's easy when foreplay starts, to know if your partner is interested. She responds with easy to read body language such as returning kisses, touching your body, or her nipples will harden from your touch. As arousal progresses, she may moan, move her hips and her breathing will become more rapid. Her clitoris will swell and harden and she will start producing lubrication.

As she becomes more excited, she will reach a plateau. This stage is often confusing to men and some women who are not familiar with it. The clitoris will retreat back under it's hood and a noticeable calming will occur. It appears that the female has either lost interest or has had an orgasm to someone not familiar with the plateau stage. What is really needed is continued stimulation. If stimulation continues this stage passes rapidly and brings her very close to orgasm.

At this point it can become even more confusing to men. Males need stimulation up to the point of orgasm and after a certain point, they are going to orgasm no matter what happens next. This is not true for women. Women need stimulation up to the point of orgasm AND through it. Any deviation in stimulation will produce some change in orgasm. This means, if you stop stimulation abruptly, her orgasm will stop, slowing stimulation will slow her climax.

It is also important to know that just before orgasm, many women become quiet, and stop movement as they concentrate on their approaching climax. Don't allow this final stage to confuse you, just continue whatever it is you are doing.

It might be helpful for you to ask your partner to masturbate for you so you can see what she likes. Or ask her what certain movements mean..."when you arch your back like that, is it because what I'm doing feels good or are you coming?" If she is uncomfortable with direct questions.. give her choices. "Does it feel better this way or do you prefer this?" Keep trying to open a dialogue. The more you know about your partner, the better the sex will be.

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