Q. I dated a woman for three years. We had a wonderful, rich, loving sex life. We had a lot of anal play, and we both enjoyed giving and receiving. I am ready to start dating again, and I am worried about anal sex. I like it, but I know not everyone does. I have been told (and I know it is true in my case) that a lover who really cares about me will want to fulfill my sexual desires, but the idea of "pushing" anal sex on anyone makes me nervous. At the same time, I like it. When I dated this woman, we started slow and gentle (and very caring), and after a year or so, we were using handcuffs, talking nasty—for fun. I want to love a person first, and the sex second, but I am afraid I won't get what I want. I have a feeling you are going to tell me that I am reasonably normal, and that I shouldn't worry about it. If that is the case, fine, but I need to be told by someone knowledgeable in the field.
Thanks a million,
Loving Anal Slut
Dear Loving Anal Slut:
You're right, you are a reasonably normal guy, a reasonably normal guy who happens to really like anal sex. It sounds like your three-year relationship was very fulfilling for you, and that you approached anal sex in the right way, with plenty of love, communication, and patience (and lube, I hope!). I think it's absolutely okay that you want anal sex to be a part of your next intimate relationship. Your desire for buttfucking is obviously part of what makes you tick sexually, and bravo to you for identifying it and owning up to it. But I see your dilemma: what if you find the perfect girl and she's not gung ho about you doing her bunghole? Well, presumably you are looking for a mate who has a similarly liberal and adventurous attitude about sexuality as you do; if you like anal play, bondage, and dirty talk, you obviously need a partner who's inclined toward experimentation beyond the missionary position. As you date and hunt around for a new relationship, be confident in who you are and what you like, and be honest with your partners. I find that since I've gotten seriously into anal sex, I have not landed in bed with anyone who isn't into some backdoor lovin'. I'm obviously putting some kind of vibe out there that people are picking up on, and I find that I tend to be attracted to people with whom I am very sexually compatible. Rather than feeling worried, obsessed, or even a little guilty about your anal desires, why not embrace them fully? Once you do, you have a greater chance of attracting women who will not only fulfill your desires, but may even exceed your wildest expectations!