Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Q & A: Spice up your sex life

Q. We have been happily married for 12 years. Our sex life was wonderful. When I look back I dont know if it was because we were young and hormones were wild or we had so little experience that everything was fun and new.

Anyway, time has passed and we are feeling that our sex life is routine and lacking fire! Neither of us had a lot of experience before we were married so we really don't know of any ideas to spice things up. Can you help us?

Sign us.....
Returning to Excitement

Returning to Excitement:

This is one of the most common complaints I receive. Long term monogamous couples say that their lovemaking is very predictable and lacks variety and excitement. Most of these people believe the only way to regain the passion they remember is to have an affair. This is simply not true!

Passion can be maintained in a long term relationship providing you are willing to keep expanding the intimate and erotic boundaries of your relationship. The easiest way to begin to change is to vary the time you spend making love. Most couples can predict almost to the minute the amount of time they will spend making love. This is partly to do with comfortability. We fall into patterns that have worked for us in the past and for many reasons, we stay there. Start with four distinct styles of lovemaking to relieve the monotony.

1. The quickie has an important role in the sexual arena. It will satisfy the needs of the more highly sexed partner, relieve physical tension, and add more spontaneity, especially if the quickie takes place in an unusual place. (ie. kitchen, backyard, automobile) It also affords intimacy within the space of a few minutes when time is short or there is risk of being caught.

2. Moderate lovemaking takes between 15-30 minutes. This is the most common way you make love. It easily fits into busy schedules and needs little discussion since both people are used to its familiarity. It's what most couples do most often, but if that is all they do their sex lives will seem unfulfilled.

3. Leisurely lovemaking lasts for 45 minutes to an hour and may need to be scheduled to fit into busy lives. This type of lovemaking could include showering together, setting a romantic scene with candles and lingerie, massage or a long session of teasing. Couples tend to do these things in early stages of relationships but allow them to become less frequent as time goes by. The wonderful thing about leisurely lovemaking is that although you may only find time to partake once a month, the feeling of intimacy will linger.

4. Adventuresome sex presents couples with their greatest challenge. It removes them from everyday habits and adds a sense of risk and playfullness. Adventuresome sex can include sex games, sex toys, erotica, shared fantasies, or food and/or ice. It can be hilarious or erotic, but will bond the couple together like nothing else.

In the meantime, remember to talk about new and exciting sexual turn-ons in an intimate but not sexual arena. Your partner will find it much less threatening. If your partner is resistant to an idea that excites you, find out why and be sure to explain why it is important to you. If you begin to talk about sexuality in new ways, new doors will suddenly open.


Sex games are as varied as the people who play them. There are many sex games that can be bought in stores. They can be as simplistic as the "Dirty Dice" I carry in my store. One die with 6 body parts on it.. the other 6 verbs such as lick, suck, kiss or hug. I'm sure you get the idea.... but they are fun to use occasionally and will definitely lighten the mood. So often couples are way too serious in the bedroom. There are board games that enable couples to explore fantasies or emotions and some that will guide you through foreplay, but it seems the best sex games are ones that are created together.

Fantasies that are shared and then acted out can lead to some of the hottest sex a couple has experienced. It is important to remember that for this to work both partners must be in total agreement. If a partner's fantasy is a total turn-off to the other, they will not be very cooperative nor will they be a good "actor/actress". Some examples of common scenarios are:

  • Teacher and innocent student
  • Doctor and patient
  • Don Juan and the virgin
  • Demanding master and maiden
  • Teacher and seductive student
  • Deliveryman and lady of the house

Many couples enjoy light bondage games using handcuffs or ties to bind their partner. As mentioned in previous letters, this submission is often the key to opening new doors. Inhibitions seem to disappear as one relinquishes control. You might also try a different twist on that same theme. Instead of physically binding your partner ask him or her to agree to do as you ask. Then request that he/she not move any part of their body adding a warning that you will stop what you are doing if you detect the slightest movement.

Start with a slow massage with light touches and tease your partner in all his/her favorite places. The longer you can tease the harder it will be for your partner to stay motionless. Progress to oral sex or intercourse very slowly but remain firm in not allowing your partner to move. Usually this is as much or more of a turn on to the controller and they often weaken before the submissive partner.

If you find exhibitionism exciting you can take your role playing adventure out of your Welcome.html and into public places. The sexy lady/businessman is a good scenario to get you started. The lady should dress in her most provocative clothing which may require a shopping trip beforehand if this type of clothing is totally out of character for her. The man in a conservative business suit. Go to a nice restaraunt or start with a walk through a mall... anywhere you can put on a show for all to see. The decisions on how far and how explicit your "show" will be is totally in your control. Discuss this before you set out, but be prepared to change boundaries as the excitement of the moment may take you to new levels of pleasure.

Using food in sex play can be very erotic. Feeding each other, using fingers or lips, retrieving food from the body of your lover such as whipped cream or honey can be stimulating to both partners. If you think that food is not erotic try renting the movie "9 1/2 Weeks." I think you will change your mind!

Try using eucalyptus drops in your mouth while you engage in oral sex.... for an icy/hot experience. Or real ice alternated with the warmth of your mouth can bring about some wonderful sensations.

Read books, magazines, or rent/purchase adult videos to get new ideas for sex play. Remember to keep expanding horizons, use your fantasies to take you in new directions, but most important be sure you both agree on a new activity before you begin. Something that works in your mind, may not work in reality.... but sometimes the fun is in the trying. Enjoy!

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