Sexual Education Blog

Q & A: Multiple orgasm - do they really exist?

2008-12-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

Q. I am a 38 yr old woman. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life but I have never had a multiple orgasm. Do they really exist and if so, why dont I have them?

Jean

Dear Jean,

We don't really know why some women are multi-orgasmic and others are not. Researchers believe most women can learn to develope this response.

According to Masters and Johnson, the female body goes through four stages of arousal:

Excitement - the vaginal lips enlarge and become lubricated, the vulva and lower part of the vagina swell and the upper paert of the vagina lengthens.

Plateau - the upper two thirds of the vagina enlarge and lengthen further, the uterus elevates and the clitoris retracts.

Orgasm - the uterus goes through rhythmic contractions, the toes curl and maximum sensation is experienced.

Resolution - the uterine contractions fade, and the heart rate, breathing and blood pressure (all of which steadily increased during the previous phases) return to normal.

Multiple orgams, a series of orgasms with no break in between, tend to occur while the woman is still in the plateau stage. Rather than the womans body moving from orgasm to resolution, the body moves back to plateau, then to orgasm and repeats.
Seqential orgasms are orgasm that occur after a slight rest period. The body must start at the excitement phase and move forward from there.

There is no right or wrong way to orgasm. If you would like to obtain a multi-orgasmic response you can try to sustain stimulation after climax. Some women find this painful so be sure you or your partner use a gentle but constant touch.

Q & A: Some tips on cunnilingus

2008-12-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

My partner and I love to engage in cunnilingus, but I'm not sure I am doing all that I can be doing to please her. She is uncomfortable telling me what she likes or wants so could you give me some tips so I can be the lover of her dreams?

Thanks in advance,

Cunning lingus

Dear Cunning,

Communication with a woman is very important when performing cunnilingus in order to learn the appropriate amount of pressure she prefers. If you have tried to discuss this with your partner and she is uncomfortable, you will have to use her responses as your guide. Some women prefer not to have direct or firm stimulation on the clitoris until they are near the peak stage of arousal. Insertion of an object or fingers into the vagina or anus can enhance stimulation for some but is not necessary.

It is important to convince some women that you truly do enjoy what you are doing. This can be accomplished by the simple act of moaning or by performing cunnilingus when you do not expect reciprocation.

Begin cunnilingus with foreplay and gradually work your way to the genitals. The more time you spend kissing and touching her, the more stimulated your partner will become and her clitoris will be easier to locate as it will be hard and swollen.

Next, move your tongue slowly around the vagina and into it, lick softly around the clitoris, slowly bringing your tongue closer and increasing pressure as you come in contact with the clitoris. If your partner shrinks back at this point you will know to apply less pressure or to just lick the sides of the clitoris. Many women are so sensitive that they cannot tolerate direct clitoral stimulation. Alternate licking and sucking or use a combination of the tongue and lips.

Many women prefer to have vaginal penetration before they orgasm rather than continued oral sex. She will either tell you she wants you inside her or start to pull your body into position. If your partner prefers to orgasm from cunnilingus, this is the time to suck and avoid using the tip of your tongue on her clitoris as it will be very sensitive at the moment of orgasm and shortly afterward.

Q & A: How do I find woman's "g" spot?

2008-12-10T08:07:00.000-08:00

Q. My wife recently began talking about an article she read relating to a woman's "g" spot. Is there any advice you can give me to find out more information on this topic? For instance where is it, what can I do to find it, etc?

Thanks,

G-Spot Curious

Dear Curious:

The G-spot or Graftenburg Spot is located in spongy tissue on the ceiling of the vagina toward the front. When a woman is sexually aroused this tissue swells to about the size of a quarter. You should be able to feel it with your fingers. Stimulation of this area can sometimes produce the feeling of needing to urinate for a few moments. Many women find this unpleasant and therefore do not continue stimulation. Some women... not all.... with further stimulation will ejaculate a clear fluid (Not urine) through the urethra. There are many women who do not find this to be a pleasurable form of arousal.

There are many books related to this subject that can be found in your local bookstore. I also offer a selection of G-spot vibrators in the catalogue to enable you and your wife to experiment.

Q & A: Spice up your sex life

2008-12-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

Q. We have been happily married for 12 years. Our sex life was wonderful. When I look back I dont know if it was because we were young and hormones were wild or we had so little experience that everything was fun and new.

Anyway, time has passed and we are feeling that our sex life is routine and lacking fire! Neither of us had a lot of experience before we were married so we really don't know of any ideas to spice things up. Can you help us?

Sign us.....
Returning to Excitement

Returning to Excitement:

This is one of the most common complaints I receive. Long term monogamous couples say that their lovemaking is very predictable and lacks variety and excitement. Most of these people believe the only way to regain the passion they remember is to have an affair. This is simply not true!

Passion can be maintained in a long term relationship providing you are willing to keep expanding the intimate and erotic boundaries of your relationship. The easiest way to begin to change is to vary the time you spend making love. Most couples can predict almost to the minute the amount of time they will spend making love. This is partly to do with comfortability. We fall into patterns that have worked for us in the past and for many reasons, we stay there. Start with four distinct styles of lovemaking to relieve the monotony.

1. The quickie has an important role in the sexual arena. It will satisfy the needs of the more highly sexed partner, relieve physical tension, and add more spontaneity, especially if the quickie takes place in an unusual place. (ie. kitchen, backyard, automobile) It also affords intimacy within the space of a few minutes when time is short or there is risk of being caught.

2. Moderate lovemaking takes between 15-30 minutes. This is the most common way you make love. It easily fits into busy schedules and needs little discussion since both people are used to its familiarity. It's what most couples do most often, but if that is all they do their sex lives will seem unfulfilled.

3. Leisurely lovemaking lasts for 45 minutes to an hour and may need to be scheduled to fit into busy lives. This type of lovemaking could include showering together, setting a romantic scene with candles and lingerie, massage or a long session of teasing. Couples tend to do these things in early stages of relationships but allow them to become less frequent as time goes by. The wonderful thing about leisurely lovemaking is that although you may only find time to partake once a month, the feeling of intimacy will linger.

4. Adventuresome sex presents couples with their greatest challenge. It removes them from everyday habits and adds a sense of risk and playfullness. Adventuresome sex can include sex games, sex toys, erotica, shared fantasies, or food and/or ice. It can be hilarious or erotic, but will bond the couple together like nothing else.

In the meantime, remember to talk about new and exciting sexual turn-ons in an intimate but not sexual arena. Your partner will find it much less threatening. If your partner is resistant to an idea that excites you, find out why and be sure to explain why it is important to you. If you begin to talk about sexuality in new ways, new doors will suddenly open.

Sex games are as varied as the people who play them. There are many sex games that can be bought in stores. They can be as simplistic as the "Dirty Dice" I carry in my store. One die with 6 body parts on it.. the other 6 verbs such as lick, suck, kiss or hug. I'm sure you get the idea.... but they are fun to use occasionally and will definitely lighten the mood. So often couples are way too serious in the bedroom. There are board games that enable couples to explore fantasies or emotions and some that will guide you through foreplay, but it seems the best sex games are ones that are created together.

Fantasies that are shared and then acted out can lead to some of the hottest sex a couple has experienced. It is important to remember that for this to work both partners must be in total agreement. If a partner's fantasy is a total turn-off to the other, they will not be very cooperative nor will they be a good "actor/actress". Some examples of common scenarios are:

Teacher and innocent student
Doctor and patient
Don Juan and the virgin
Demanding master and maiden
Teacher and seductive student
Deliveryman and lady of the house

Many couples enjoy light bondage games using handcuffs or ties to bind their partner. As mentioned in previous letters, this submission is often the key to opening new doors. Inhibitions seem to disappear as one relinquishes control. You might also try a different twist on that same theme. Instead of physically binding your partner ask him or her to agree to do as you ask. Then request that he/she not move any part of their body adding a warning that you will stop what you are doing if you detect the slightest movement.

Start with a slow massage with light touches and tease your partner in all his/her favorite places. The longer you can tease the harder it will be for your partner to stay motionless. Progress to oral sex or intercourse very slowly but remain firm in not allowing your partner to move. Usually this is as much or more of a turn on to the controller and they often weaken before the submissive partner.

If you find exhibitionism exciting you can take your role playing adventure out of your Welcome.html and into public places. The sexy lady/businessman is a good scenario to get you started. The lady should dress in her most provocative clothing which may require a shopping trip beforehand if this type of clothing is totally out of character for her. The man in a conservative business suit. Go to a nice restaraunt or start with a walk through a mall... anywhere you can put on a show for all to see. The decisions on how far and how explicit your "show" will be is totally in your control. Discuss this before you set out, but be prepared to change boundaries as the excitement of the moment may take you to new levels of pleasure.

Using food in sex play can be very erotic. Feeding each other, using fingers or lips, retrieving food from the body of your lover such as whipped cream or honey can be stimulating to both partners. If you think that food is not erotic try renting the movie "9 1/2 Weeks." I think you will change your mind!

Try using eucalyptus drops in your mouth while you engage in oral sex.... for an icy/hot experience. Or real ice alternated with the warmth of your mouth can bring about some wonderful sensations.

Read books, magazines, or rent/purchase adult videos to get new ideas for sex play. Remember to keep expanding horizons, use your fantasies to take you in new directions, but most important be sure you both agree on a new activity before you begin. Something that works in your mind, may not work in reality.... but sometimes the fun is in the trying. Enjoy!

Q & A: Anal sex while pregnant

2008-12-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

Q. Me and my partner have always enjoyed anal sex. We have been together for a while and are expecting our first baby in three months. I know people are supposed to have "cravings" when they are pregnant, but my craving is that I want to be fucked in the ass even more than I did before! It feels great, and I experience no discomfort, but we want to make sure that we aren't doing any harm to the baby (and I don't exactly feel I can discuss it with my doctor!) I find the most comfortable position is on my knees with my butt sticking up so I can support my belly properly, and this way I can get the most cock in my ass. Will it be alright to continue up to the time you would normally stop having vaginal sex?

Best regards,

Preggo Anal-Addict

Dear Preggo Anal-Addict:

Many women say that their libido, sexual tastes, and orgasms can change drastically during pregnancy, so know that your new craving is perfectly natural. According to most physicians, throughout your pregnancy, penetration (both vaginal and anal) with fingers is safe and with a cock is safe in low-risk pregnancies. One of the challenges of sex during pregnancy is finding comfortable positions, and it sounds like you've found a good one, at least for now---it may change when you get bigger. Your mate should definitely avoid deep thrusting and really hard slamming of any kind. Use a water-based lubricant, but be extra careful in preventing bacteria from the ass transferring to the vagina. Make sure his fingers and cock are super clean, or you may get an infection, which is often harder to treat during pregnancy. If you feel any discomfort during any sexual activity, stop at once. You said you don't feel comfortable talking to your doctor about this, but for the sake of your health, and the health of your baby, it's probably a good idea.

Q & A: How can I make her come from anal sex?

2008-12-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

Q. My girlfriend and I have been having anal sex for about four or five months. In fact, the first time I penetrated her was anally. After that, it's been a once-in-a-while ritual where I get to have the pleasure of making love to her sexy ass. I enjoy it very much and she doesn't mind letting me have my way, even though she says she receives little to no pleasure from it. We use plenty of lube and always warm up with shallow and slow penetration, deep breathing and lots of communication. We now do it now once every three weeks to a month, which is kind of my problem. I'd like to do it more often, but not too much. I have two questions for you: How much anal sex do you think is healthy for a couple that wants to have a nice balance between the three major forms of sex (oral, vaginal and anal)? What kind of ways can I pleasure her when I do her in the ass? How can I make her come from anal sex?

Thanks in advance,
Booty Lover

Dear Booty Lover:

There is no mathematical equation to determine "a nice balance,"nor is there any common recommendation about how much of one kind of sex a healthy couple should have. Sexuality and our particular practices are extremely unique to the individuals involved, and therefore so are our preferences and how often or little we indulge in them. I say if both you and your wife are content with how much sex you're having, and the kinds of sex you're having, then why mess with a good thing? But it does sound like you'd like to add more anal sex to the menu, and your second question is the key to getting there. Because if you start to give her tremendous pleasure while you're fucking her in the ass, then chances are she'll want to do it more often. There are a number of ways to get a woman off while you're fucking her ass. You can play with her clit while you penetrate her, or if the position you're in makes that too difficult, encourage her to jerk herself off or even use a small vibrator. Clitoral stimulation combined with anal penetration is one of the ways some women can orgasm. If she likes double penetration, try putting a few fingers in her pussy or a slim dildo while you're in her ass; this often increases the sensations in both places. Experiment with different positions in order to find her G-spot. Many women experience indirect G-spot stimulation through anal sex. You want to angle fingers, toys, or your cock toward the front of her body to find and stimulate the spot. Also, ask her what she'd like to do to make it feel not just better, but fantastic. Together, you can discover what will turn you both on.

Q & A: I know it's not supposed to hurt, but it does

2008-12-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

My husband and I want to try out anal sex really bad, but my problem is the pain---I know it's not supposed to hurt, but it does. I keep telling him that missionary position is not the best for our first try. Is there another position you recommend? I really want to give this to him, but I am still very nervous. I have tried to relax, but nothing seems to work. I'm thinking I need a lube that desensitizes the area. I know if I can find the right kind to numbing agent, then I will do just fine. Do you know of any?

Anal Chicken

Dear Anal Chicken:

You admitted being nervous about getting fucked in the ass, which is very common, but my question is: do you really want to do it? I sense a lot of reservation in your letter, and I am concerned that your fear and anxiety aren't the only things holding you back. Your desire for this must absolutely be there (not just your husband's), otherwise it's not going to work, and it will continue to hurt. You are right that it is not supposed to hurt, and pain can be the result of many things: hesitation on your part; not being relaxed; not enough foreplay and warm up; not enough lube. You need to take it slow, and have him open your ass with fingers or small toys before he even attempts to put his cock in there. As for positions, if missionary isn't working for you, trust your instincts. Maybe you should get on top, so you can control the depth of penetration, the speed, and you can move your body to get the best angle. Or you could try doggie style, but make sure he doesn't thrust all the way inside on the first time around. I cannot recommend any of the de-sensitizing lubricants that are available. Numbing your ass just isn't a good idea. If you can't feel anything, you cannot listen to your body's warning signs that things are going to fast, and you'll most likely end up with a sore butt the next day. Plus, if it's numb, you can't feel all the pleasurable sensations that anal sex can give you, and trust me, you want to feel those.

Q & A: There is a risk of toxic shock syndrome when tampons are used vaginally, and I am wondering if it can happen in the ass as well.

2008-12-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

Q. I'm a professional dominatrix, and have several clients into forced feminization and anal play. Some of them have requested that I insert tampons into their (anal) "pussies." Can this be done safely? I know that there is a risk of toxic shock syndrome when tampons are used vaginally, and I am wondering if it can happen in the ass as well.

Mistress Mean

Dear Mistress Mean:

Toxic Shock Syndrome is a blood-borne bacterial infection caused by the bacteria Staphylococcus. We most commonly hear about it in relation to using tampons, and symptoms can include fever, chills, vomiting, sore throat, headache and more serious conditions. It is treated with intravenous antibiotics to prevent shock and kidney failure. TSS colonizes skin and mucous membranes, and the rectum is a mucous membrane; however, I had a difficult time locating any documented cases of TSS through the use of tampons anally. Since tampons are used to absorb moisture, it could be uncomfortable and dehydrating at the very least. I have an easy solution for you. In fact, it's for anyone who has a client lover who wants something in his or her ass which you know is either unsafe or potentially dangerous (other examples include glass bottles, candles, baseball bats, just to name a few). Find a sex toy with a similar size and feel to the desired (but unadvisable) object. Blindfold your bottom before inserting the toy in his or her ass, and make sure to talk about whatever the fantasized thing is in great detail. If you're a good Top, you can convince a submissive of almost anything.

Q & A: How far can I go in her ass with a dildo and be safe?

2008-12-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

Q. My girlfriend has just turned 18 years old and loves anal sex, bondage, and water sports. How far can I go in her ass with a dildo and be safe? Once you pass the sphincter muscle, it seems like there is a lot of room. What dangers are there if I piss in her ass while fucking her? I have already pissed in her pussy while fucking her with no problems. How long does it take for chain marks to come off her ass?

Kinky in NJ

Dear Kinky in NJ:

Well, it sounds like you are one busy guy. You're right that once you get inside the rectum, there is a lot of room; in fact, the rectum is longer than the vagina. You've got about 9 1/2 - 11 inches before you reach the colon, and ost dildos aren't any longer than that. Keep in mind that you should always use a dildo with a flared base to be safe; one without a base could potentially get lost in your girlfriend's ass—please, no trips to the emergency room which could have been prevented! As for pissing in her ass, there are a few issues to consider. You need a dependable erection in order to penetrate her ass, and once you're super hard, you may not be able to pee; some men can't stay that hard and let it flow. If your dick can stand up and piss, then you've got to consider the safe sex issues. As far as bodily fluids go, urine is nearly, but not completely, sterile. Peeing in your sweetheart's butt is mostly safe for you unless you have any cuts or open sores on your cock. She may want to know that she can get chlamydia, gonorrhea Hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), or genital herpes, if these viruses are present in your piss. Unfortunately, there is no research on the transmission of HIV through urine; however, we know that HIV can be present in urine or in urine that contains an amount of blood. If the two of you have been tested for all these diseases and are monogamous, then you should be all right. Remember that whatever you put in a rectum will be instantaneously absorbed into the bloodstream, so she may end up with an upset stomach. You might also consider peeing outside of her ass, which is even safer and still plenty of fun! Oh, and those chain marks on her ass? Well, it depends on how hard you hit her, how heavy the chain is, how easily her skin bruises, and how quickly her skin heals from marks. I assume you mean metal chains, and if you are hitting her ass with them, be very careful not to hit the base of the spine or her sit bones. You want to concentrate on the fleshy areas only.

Q & A: Can switching from anal to vaginal penetration lead to vaginal infections?

2008-12-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

Q. After seven years together, my husband and I are just starting out with anal sex and wow is it ever exciting. What a great way to rev up our sex life! I have a question about vaginal infections. Can switching from anal to vaginal penetration during lovemaking lead to vaginal infections? Or are the natural defenses of the vagina generally enough to fight them off? Are there precautionary steps we should start using to reduce or prevent possible infections?

Curious Canadian

Dear Curious Canadian:

Yes, switching directly from the ass to the vagina is an almost surefire way to get a vaginal infection. Bacteria that lives naturally in the rectum (possibly along with some fecal matter) will be transferred to your pussy which will cause the infection. Since the pussy doesn't naturally flush itself out, bacteria can set up shop, multiply, and live there until you treat it. Some women get yeast infections, others get bacterial infections like gardinerella. So, in order to prevent this form of "cross contamination," you want to take a few precautions. You can use a condom on cocks and sex toys, and put on a new condom when you move from ass to pussy. Or your husband can wash his penis or the sex toy with warm water and an antibacterial soap before switching orifices. In addition, you should be aware that lube that goes into your ass and drips out of it can make its way to your pussy, which could also cause an infection. I do things to prevent what I call "the drip down effect." I always have a box of baby wipes handy to make a clean swipe of the area (always swipe front to back). Baby wipes are made for the genital area and much less harsh than other wipes, like Wet Ones. I like the baby wipes that are unscented and alcohol- ree; the "baby"smell isn't erotic for me, and the alcohol-free wipes tend to be gentler on my delicate parts. After sex, I like to pee and wash my pussy with a gentle soap (I like Castille soap) to rinse out any remaining bacteria and prevent a urinary tract infection.

Q & A: Post-anal sex headaches

2008-12-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

Q. The past few times my wife and I have had anal sex, with her doing the receiving anyway, the act itself went smoothly and pleasurably. However, not a minute after she went to sit on the toilet to clean herself up, she would be struck by a brutal headache. My wife does suffer from the occasional non-sex-related migraine, and her post-anal sex headaches are worse by far. I am convinced that the headaches and the anal sex are somehow related. The easiest fix is to just not have anal sex. My interest in doing it is far outweighed by my not wanting her to suffer. I was wondering what an expert thought, but I've been to shy to ask a doctor about it.

Thanks,
Pain in the Ass?

Dear Pain in the Ass:

I, too, suffer from migraines, so I empathize with your wife, because if she's having a headache worse than a migraine, it must be extremely painful and debilitating. At first glance, the problem seems completely unrelated to anal sex; however, it's too much of a coincidence since it's happened several times. Stress and tension can often cause a severe headache, so I have a few theories. First, while you're fucking her ass, your wife may be in a position that's putting undue strain on her neck. I know that sometimes I end up in weird positions—especially when I have my ass in the air and my head down—while buttfucking. Afterwards, I often feel pain in my neck, and that pain could lead to a headache. See how her body is positioned the next time you do it, and make sure her head and neck have plenty of support. My second theory has to do with her breathing patterns during sex. Many people (me included!) often take very shallow breaths when we get aroused on our way to orgasm. It's a natural instinct, and one that often gives us a brief "high."Masturbation guru Dr. Betty Dodson scolded me once that if I am not taking deep breaths, then the blood cannot properly circulate throughout my body during sex. Shallow breaths may cause a quick high, but deep breaths ensure that the blood is flowing and the high people often feel during sex will last throughout the act. If your wife is taking quick breaths, or even holding her breath at some points, she could be depriving her brain of oxygen. This repeated deprivation could cause an intense headache, especially if she's susceptible to headaches in the first place. Finally, an answer lies in your question. You may feel shy, but it's a good idea for *her* to talk to her doctor about the problem. There may be something else going on, and her body is trying to tell her something.

UPDATE:

A fellow reader who's a physical therapist emailed this to me on the subject of migraines and anal sex, and he gave me permission to reprint it. Thanks, Matthew!

If you look at any anatomy text that shows images of the pelvic floor musculature from above or below, there are intimate relationships between the these muscles and the sacroccygeal complex. The coccyx forms the cornerstone of the pelvic floor with muscles and ligaments attaching to the coccyx and extending forward to the pubic bones and other areas of the pelvis. These muscles form the vaginal opening, urethral sphincter, and anal sphincter with the latter having the largest influence on the coccyx and are themselves dependent on the mechanics of the coccyx and sacrum for normal tone.

The covering of the spinal cord [dura] has attachments at the second segment of the sacrum and the very last fiber of the spinal cord blends into this dura which is then continuous with the periosteum of the coccyx. The dural tube should [in the absence of pathology] hang loose in the spinal canal up to the upper 2-3 segments of the neck. It then continues inside the cranium to become the covering of the brain. This system, called the craniosacral system, has been referred to as a closed hydraulic network responsible for the distribution of cerebrospinal fluid. A small change in pressure in one area will affect the rest of the system.

Disturbances can very often result in headaches for both pressure related reasons and mechanical pull via the dural tube on the neck and cranial bones. There are numerous cases of instant headache relief with manipulation of the coccyx [providing, of course, this is the cause of the particular headache].

You also need to look at the extensive vascular and neural network supplying the pelvic floor and surrounding the rectum itself. While entrance is possible and potentially pleasurable, the anus was designed as exit only. Repetitive or even sustained in and out will disturb the normal pressures which in turn creates neurologic feedback. Some people will get headaches when their stomach is too full immediately after a meal. Brain freeze from a slushy is in a similar category--neurovascular over stimulation.

There are other reflexive effects as well. The muscles of the pelvic floor work together as a diaphragm, functioning in conjunction with the respiratory diaphragm. The other primary diaphragms include the thoracic inlet [the connective tissue spreading over the upper ribs and clavicles] and the cranial diaphragm [floor of the cranium]. These all work together as one system to move fluid and air and adjust pressures in the different body
cavities. As a result, change in one will change the others.

Then there is the toxicity that can get stored in any body tissues but especially of the digestive tract. Repeated stimulation of an area can release toxins into the system with reactions elsewhere--headaches included.

There are other less significant and in some instances less understood associations between the pelvis and cranium that could produce headaches.

So what can be done about all this?

-There are all the factors you mentioned in your response to the initial question and the suggestions you made. Very good stuff.

-Next, general health is important, of course.

-Exercises which involve breath control such as yoga and tai chi/qi gong will benefit spinal posture, flexibility, and diaphragm health.

-Proper nutrition, especially avoiding any foods that you are sensitive to is important. Depending on the person these could be the more publicized alcohol and caffeine or the more subtle but equally insidious gluten, processed sugar, or dairy allergies. If a person is exposed to an active allergen the result is inflammation throughout the body as an immune response is mobilized. This response is most profound at the source, the digestive tract. Very often we have chronic inflammation in our guts yielding adhesion and scarring as well as spasm at the sphincters [rectal included] and storage of the allergen in the tissues to prevent it from getting to the rest of the body.

The treatment is prolonged TOTAL avoidance of the suspect allergen to minimize the bodyŒs response.

-Manual therapy to correct the mechanics of the craniosacral system, pelvic joints, and abdominal organs [yes. organs have mechanical relationships as well].

To find people who do these types of treatments look up:

CenterIMT.com Integrative Manual Therapy
Upledger.com Craniosacral Therapy and Visceral Manipulation
ICAKUSA.com Applied Kinesiology

All of these have effective treatments for the things I described above and for headaches in general. My personal nbias is towards Integrative Manual Therapy, my field of study. In craniosacral practitioners you will find a very big variance in how people practice and level of skill. The Applied Kinesiologists probably do the most nutritional/supplement work, but again you will find huge variability in exactly how individuals practice. Traditional Chinese Medicine should never be scoffed at for improving health either.

If interested, I even know a couple of people in New York who are very skilled. I don't know if any of them are near you, but they probably know other people who would be.

Q & A: I get stuck just after my head goes in, and she can't continue

2008-12-09T19:20:00.000-08:00

Q. My girlfriend had recently asked me to have anal sex with her since we had never done it before. I complied, and after two tries (on separate occasions), we succeeded. We enjoyed it so much that we attempted it twice more with success. But we can't do it anymore. We've tried, but we haven't been able to do it for months. I am supportive as I can be. I give her control, soothe and relax her, question, encourage. But lately she says I have been hurting her. She says I get stuck just after my head goes in, and she can't continue. The first time we went at it slowly, but near our climaxes, we started to really go at it, and she took all of it in. I have suggested some form of foreplay, but she refuses. She says it is all penis or nothing at all. Please help!

Frustrated in Florida

Dear Frustrated in Florida:

You are absolutely doing the right thing by giving your girlfriend control and warming her up. Her insistence that it's all or nothing just isn't realistic, and you need to somehow make her see that. Remind her that the ass is not like the pussy: it requires a lot more delicate handling and more foreplay before she can relax it enough to make penetration comfortable and pleasurable. Licking her ass, penetrating with your fingers, or playing with a small butt plug, dildo, or vibrating toy are all good ways to get her ass ready for your cock; of course, remember to use plenty of lube! As for her theory that you are "getting stuck"after the head of your cock goes in, again, with a gradual progression to penetration, her ass will feel more relaxed and open. Because it is the head of your cock she complains about, it sounds like her sphincter muscles aren't relaxed enough to accommodate your dick. With more warm up, she'll be more aroused and it should feel much better.

Q & A: Is it safe to squirt milk using an ejaculating dildo?

2008-12-09T19:18:00.000-08:00

Q. I am interested to know: is it safe to squirt milk up your ass using an ejaculating dildo and then shoot it out your ass again? Is it safe to stick candles up your ass? If so, how many?

Martha Stewart Up My Ass

Dear Martha Stewart Up My Ass:

It sounds like you¹ve been spending a little too much time at the crafts center. Lots of people enjoy using ejaculating dildos in their asses, and I know that some of these squirting dongs have a "recipe" for homemade ejaculate right on the box (which usually consists of condensed milk). Keep in mind that whatever you shoot up your ass can be directly absorbed by your bloodstream, and can potentially make you sick, which is why I never recommend exotic enemas that contain anything beyond plain warm water. So, I say, use plain warm water to be safe; it doesn't offer the same kind of spooging visual, but it does feel the same. As for your question about candles up the ass, it reminds me of a series of pictures by fetish photographer Richard Kern of women with lit candles in their bums. While the shots were clever, they were ultimately done for art's sake, and not really something I can give the thumbs up to for the average person. Candles do not have a flared base, and there is a danger of having one get lost in your ass, unless it's extremely long. But more importantly, they are hard and waxy, and who wants that in your ass when you can have a flexible, smooth butt plug or dildo that will feel much better and won't have you shitting out wax shavings afterward?

Q & A: I am worried about getting ill from tonguing her anus.

2008-12-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

Q. I am a 35 year old straight man, and I have a new girlfriend who is very anal. She likes to be fingered in the ass and sometimes fucked in the ass, and I am more than happy to oblige. However, she is also kind of into shit. I am not turned off by it, but I am concerned about the health aspects. I am not talking about shit eating or shit smearing, but she does get turned on by the feelings she has while defecating, and also by telling me about it. She will get on her knees with her ass in the air, so that I can lick and sniff her asshole from behind. I enjoy it, but she likes to do it especially after she just finished taking a crap. I am turned on by it, and I know she cleans up very carefully. I want to do this, but I can¹t totally relax and enjoy myself because I am worried about getting ill from tonguing her. We've done it a few times and nothing happened. I also want to make her happy because she loves doing it. Is this okay?

Thanks,
I Have a Scat-Loving Girlfriend

Dear I Have a Scat-Loving Girlfriend:

It sounds like your girlfriend is one kinky chick, but you also sound like you're a guy ready to go along for the ride. Her obsession with shitting, telling you about it, and having you orally service her afterwards is a moderate form of a scat fetish; most scat players like to play with shit and eat it as well. There are two ways to play this as I see it. Scenario #1: She can take a dump, then wash her behind (or give it a swipe with a baby wipe), making the area more clean and less likely to have a great amount of bacteria on the surface. Then, when you lick it, especially just externally, the risks are relatively low of you contracting anything from her. The fantasy of you tonguing her dirty little bum remains intact, although you've taken the necessary steps to make the experience safer. Scenario #2: It may be that part of the turn-on for her is actually moving directly from the toilet bowl to your face. In that case, when you shove your lips around her butthole, things could be a little more risky. Anytime you come into contact with another person's fecal matter, there is a risk of transmission of STDs, HIV, and Hepatitis, as well as any gastrointestinal bugs that your lover may have. It¹s up to the two of you how potty- entered you want the fantasy to be. It sounds like you¹ll be more apt to relax if she cleans up carefully, and just *tells* you that her ass is smelly and messy. Sometimes the power of suggestion is just as hot as the real thing.

Q & A: Is it long enough to reach and massage the prostate with a male partner?

2008-12-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

Q. In one of you posts, regarding dildos and vibrators you gave the following advice: "Just make sure that the vibrator is long nough like over 7" for penetration, and, ideally, has a flared base." While I can say from personal experience that a longer instrument is more satisfactory than a shorter one, real life does not treat you so kindly. My penis is 5 3/4 inches long, and the same in circumference, making it about 1.8 inches thick (when erect) . In other words, short and thick. In fact 52 percent of men have an erect penis with a length of less than six inches. Only 4 1/2 percent of men have a penis length of 7 inches or more (My source is the Kinsey Report circa 1950). Therefore, I wonder if you could answer the following questions:1) Is a 5 to 6 inch penis too short to give adequate stimulation to your anal partner? Is it long enough to reach and massage the prostate with a male partner? Can it reach and massage the G spot with a female partner? 2) If, in fact, it is generally not long enough, are there any positions that are particularly recommended as shortening or compressing the anal channel to bring the sensitive surfaces within reach? Are they different for a male partner than a female partner?

Short and Thick in Iowa

Dear Short and Thick in Iowa:
Well, you¹ve obviously done your own research on the subject of anal pleasure, and you¹ve given these matters a great deal of thought. While some people, both women and men, prefer a longer object in their asses, others are quite content with a member of your size. It¹s really all a matter of individual taste, which is why one person might select a long, slender vibrating anal probe to bring herself to orgasm, but another person might choose something short and fat, like a robust butt plug, to push him over the edge. It just depends what you like. Know that a 5 or 6 inch penis absolutely can stimulate a person's ass just fine. Equally important, you can easily reach the prostate gland in men and the G spot in women, since both "spots"are located just a few inches inside the rectum. In fact, I encourage most men who are using their cocks to stimulate the G-spot not to penetrate fully, since you'll slide right by the G spot (the same is true for the prostate). As for positions, putting the receptive partner in doggie-style position (or what I call modified doggie style, where the head is down and the ass is in the air) can afford you a perfect angle to hit the G spot or the prostate and give you the opportunity for deeper penetration. You cannot actually "compress the anal channel,"but you can get in there deeper at that angle. As for the differences in male and female anal anatomy, our anatomy is nearly identical except that men have a prostate gland (which can be stimulated through the rectum) and women have a G-spot (which can be directly stimulated through vaginal penetration and indirectly stimulated through anal penetration). Please don't feel like your cock is inadequate, Short and Thick; as long as you know how to use it, you can bring your partner plenty of pleasure.

Q & A: She wanted to know if I would suck her pussy while she peed

2008-12-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Q. A few years ago, I met this young woman in her late twenties who was totally uninhibited about sex. Before she met me, she wanted to do many things but her former husband wasn't as adventurous. Before you knew it, there wasn't anything that we wouldn't try at least once. One evening, we were sitting around drinking beer, and after a while, she wanted to know if I would suck her pussy while she peed. Immediately I was aroused and agreed. She sat back on the recliner, spread her legs, and I covered her pussy with my mouth. After a couple minutes, she started to pee. I thought she would never stop, but I vowed not to spill a drop. When she finished, she then wanted me to urinate in her ass. I had an erection, and after a little lubrication, I was in. She was on her hands and knees with her face down, and after part of my erection subsided, I began to pour inside her. She must have received more than she gave me, but she was moaning with pleasure and wanted me to climax insider her rear. After I peed, the erection came back and we both climaxed. We both thought it was the wildest best sex we ever had. There were not any problems afterwards.

Yours Truly,
Pleased As Piss

Dear Pleased As Piss:

Thank you so much for sharing that erotic treat with me and all your fellow readers. I love it when I hear such successful true-life anal tales! Several words of caution to all of you out there who are thinking of re-creating Pleased As Piss's scenario. Remember that any substance you introduce into the rectum will be immediately absorbed into the bloodstream, and that includes anything contained in the urine, like medications, illegal drugs, or alcohol. Also: urine is a bodily fluid which can transmit STDs, Hepatitis, and HIV (if there is any blood in the urine), so please be tested, make sure your partner has been tested, and play safe, okay?

Q & A: Men's briefs (latex or other material) with an internal butt plug or dildo?

2008-12-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

Q. I have been looking for a few weeks for a pair of men's briefs (latex or other material) with an internal butt plug or dildo, but with a hole for the penis and balls to come out and be free to play. I can't find one anywhere! Any ideas?

Signed,
Desperately Seeking Butt Briefs

Dear Desperately Seeking Butt Briefs:

Well, aren't you an ambitious one! I must say that I have tried to track down such a pair of undies for you, but haven't had any luck. Although I do have a few suggestions about how you might create the briefs of your dreams. Start with a butt plug harness (available at many leather, fetish, and sex toy stores and web sites) to hold your favorite butt plug securely in your ass. Or, of you're into body and genital bondage, you may choose to have someone put a rope harness on you to keep the plug in. Then, add a tight pair of your favorite underwear that has such a flap in front for your woody to come out and play. Voila!

Q & A: Do women get off on anal penetration, and if they do, then how exactly?

2008-12-09T13:05:00.000-08:00

Q. I am in a relationship with woman, and we both want to try anal sex. But I have one concern. I know that it's going to feel really good for me, because I am a guy, but what will it feel like for her? Do women get off on anal penetration, and if they do, then how exactly? Can my girlfriend come from it?

What's In It For Her

Dear What's In It For Her:

Rest assured that there is plenty in it for her. First, let's talk about the physical aspects of anal sex. Anorectal anatomy is nearly identical in men and women, and the entire area—the anus, anal canal, and rectum—is extremely rich in nerve endings and sensitive to stimulation of all kinds, including penetration. Because of this level of sensitivity, exploring our asses can bring us incredible sexual pleasure. The one distinction in men and women's anal anatomy is that men have a prostate gland, which can be reached and stimulated through the rectum. Although women don't have a prostate, they do have a G-spot. The G-spot is reached through the front wall of the vagina, but it can also be indirectly stimulated through anal penetration. Since all that separates the rectum and the vagina is a thin membrane, if you angle a finger, toy, or penis toward the front wall of the vagina, women still may experience G-spot stimulation. Many women find that the G-spot stimulation they get from anal sex is one way they can have an orgasm. Another way for her to orgasm is to add clitoral stimulation as you penetrate her. Give her clit some rubbing action or let her jerk herself off with her hand or a vibrator while you do her in the ass, and see what happens. In addition to the bundle of physical pleasure that anal stimulation brings, there are complex emotional and psychological issues that contribute to the erotic experience. For some people, the idea that anal sex is naughty, forbidden and taboo is very exciting, and adds to their enjoyment of it. For others, the great amount of trust one must have in a partner heightens the physical pleasure; allowing your partner to penetrate you in this special place says, "Here is a delicate part of my body, and I trust you not to hurt me but to make me feel very good." That power exchange can be very intense for lovers. Anal sex is often represented in popular culture as violent and degrading; however, in reality, it can be extremely intimate, connecting, and even spiritual.

Q & A: I'm so scared about things getting messy

2008-12-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

Q. Anal sex has been an unfulfilled curiosity of mine for many years; as a young twentysomething, I was forever intrigued by it. My boyfriend and I have talked about it, and being experienced, he has suggested we try it. I feel extremely comfortable with him, and, aside from anal sex, we have an incredibly open and experimental sex life. I told him I am curious but also hesitant. The thing is, I'm embarrassed to tell him the real reason why because it's seems petty to me. I'm so scared about things getting messy as I've heard some very unappealing stories about bad smells or fecal matter being present. I know that as humans, our bodies have natural functions, but I would be mortified if that happened while we were having anal sex. As it is, I really want this to be something special as it's taken me a long time to find anyone I could trust, and I don't want to be totally turned off if things go haywire.

Dear Scared of the Mess:

Take a deep breath! Your concern is the most common one I hear about anal sex. The first thing you need is a brief anatomy lesson. During anal penetration with fingers, toys, and penises, the area of your body that we're dealing with is the rectum. The rectum is not a storage facility, so no feces are stored there; it's merely a passageway. Feces move from the colon to the rectum, then out of the body when you defecate. So, if you have a bowel movement before you have anal sex, there should only be trace amounts of fecal matter in the rectum. Now, this is provided that you are a relatively healthy person with a good diet, normal bowel habits, and no gastrointestinal problems. So, if you feel like you have to go, by all means go, because if you don't listen to your body, then you may, in fact, have a mess on your hands simply because you needed to have a bowel movement and you didn't. For those people who are squeamish about "being clean," I recommend an enema. Go to the drug store, buy a Fleet enema, then empty the contents of the bottle and fill it with plain warm water. Fleet enemas contain a laxative which isn't necessary; all you need is warm water. Follow the instructions on the box, and repeat until all that comes out of your ass is clear water. Make sure you have an enema several hours before you plan to have anal sex, since your body needs time to recover. Now, after telling you all about cleaning yourself out, I must quote a fellow anal queen, adult film star Chloe, who says, "Get over your fear of shit!" I am not saying you need to love or even like shit, but you need to let go of your anxieties. The truth is that the more anal play you engage in, the more likely you are to run into it once and awhile, so you might as well just smile, grab a baby wipe, clean up, and move on.

Q & A: About hair removal in the anal area

2008-12-09T13:02:00.000-08:00

Q. I have had two sessions of laser treatment on my asshole and can say that laser treatment does work. There are some drawbacks, however. Laser treatment can be expensive (about $150 per session) and it takes several (3 or more) sessions to remove most of the hair. Also, if the hair is light-colored, laser treatment is probably not going to have much effect, and you'll just be wasting your money. As to the question of pain, there really isn't that much. It feels like a pin prick. A little ice on the area right before the treatment goes a long way. I would suggest going into your local laser treatment clinic for a consultation. I found out that hair removal on the asshole is fairly common for these folks, and they don't have any problem doing the procedure.

Cheers,
Smooth Ass

Dear Smooth Ass:

Thanks for writing in response to one of my previous columns, where Brian asked about hair removal for the butthole. I just love it when readers give each other helpful tips and techniques, so thanks for sharing your experience! For those of you considering the different methods for achieving your own smooth ass, remember that there are several types besides laser treatment. Shaving and waxing are also options, and much less expensive, although not permanent. Plus, shaving can be an erotic scene in addition to fulfilling the practical matter of making one's little pucker hole hairless. I personally love to shave my ass, and find it very sexy when I let someone else take a sharp razor to my tender hole—it totally turns me on! Whichever method you choose, be careful, use common sense, and enjoy that smooth opening with abandon!

Q & A: I really want to be able to fist myself!

2008-12-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

Q. I really want to be able to fist myself! I need your advice on how I can do it. I can fit four fingers up, but cannot get past the knuckles at the end of the fingers, therefore I cannot place my thumb in my ass, and so I can't fist myself. Please help this poor guy, I am desperate!

Fisting Aficionado

Dear Fisting Aficionado:

Is it my imagination or are my readers getting wilder and more adventurous since I started this column two years ago? That just puts a big ol' grin on my face. Let's talk about anal fisting. You definitely want to have an enema before your anal fisting adventure so you can be completely cleaned out. Make sure you have an enema at least several hours before the actual fisting to give your body a chance to recover. As with any form of extreme penetration, there is no such thing as too much lube when it comes to anal fisting. In fact, one of the tools I recommend is what I fondly call "the lube gun." You can use either a stainless steel syringe or a disposable plastic one. Fill it with water-based lube, insert it, and shoot lube up your ass. This will lubricate the anal runway ahead of your hand, so you don't have to re-lube as often. Because pulling your hand all the way out and re-lubing often breaks your momentum, and can make the rectum sore. Just like you cannot have enough lube, you can also not have enough warm up. Be patient, and let your ass take its time to open up for something bigger. Use butt plugs or dildos which gradually increase in size; put one in and let it stay in to get your ass relaxed and ready for more. Getting past the knuckles is always the trickiest part. You need to be patient, respect the limits of your body, and go as slow as you need to. I must say, I don't know many folks who can fist themselves, but more power to you for getting as far as you have already, and, of course, for wanting even more! It seems to me that fisting yourself is all about body position and flexibility. You are ahead of the game if you've already gotten four fingers inside. You didn't mention the position that you've been in, but I think that being on all fours or even squatting would work best. Now, if you find that you just can't make it happen, remember that there are some cool dildos on the market which are made to look just like a curled fist. You can find them in gay leather shops and catalogs usually. Having an "extra fist" means you can experiment with lots of different positions, and you aren't limited by the size of your own hand. Please write back to me, and let me know if you finally do go all the way.

Q & A: What are the health risks of pissing in someone's ass?

2008-12-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

Q. I am having a difficult time with one specific are of interest. What are the health risks of pissing in someone's ass? I have read wonderfully exciting accounts (fictional I'm sure) of this activity and cannot wait to explore it myself. But, I am also aware of the problems that can arise from not being well informed. Please, any help, advice, or referrals you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I promise to share the information with as many people as I can find to ensure that your words of wisdom have maximum benefit amongst the ass master population.

Sincerely,
Ass Master Who Likes Golden Showers

Dear Ass Master:

Thanks for sharing a common fantasy I hear about a lot. The first issue you've got to tackle is this: can you actually accomplish the act of peeing in someone's ass? Lots of men find that when they have a rock-solid erection (which makes anal penetration much easier), they can't piss. They need to soften up a bit so they can release their golden nectar. But depending on your cock, letting your hard-on go down a little may prevent you from penetrating your partner's ass. Once you've addressed that dilemma, now I can answer your questions about the potential risks. Contrary to popular belief, urine isn't sterile, but it is very clean as far as bodily fluids go, even cleaner than spit. Peeing on someone or in someone's ass is pretty low risk for the pisser, unless he has any cuts or open wounds on his cock. For the pissee, being peed on or in can be safe, with a few very big exceptions. Hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), the genital herpes virus, chlamydia, and gonorrhea may be present in the urine of a person infected with any of these diseases and can be transmitted through the mucous membrane of the rectum or through any microscopic tears in the anal canal or rectum. There is no research (unfortunately) on HIV being transmitted through urine; however, it is possible for the virus to be present in urine, especially if there is blood in the urine. Remember that whatever you put in a rectum will be instantaneously absorbed into the bloodstream, so a diluted version may be your best bet. And even so, you may get an upset stomach. If you aren't sure about your partner's sexual history or STD and HIV status or your partner isn't comfortable with getting your urine in her ass, you may want to consider some alternatives. You could pull out and pee on the outside of her body; there are still risks, but they are relatively low if she has no unbroken skin in the area. Be safe and have fun!

Q & A: What kinds of household objects can I use to simulate a penis?

2008-12-09T12:55:00.000-08:00

Q. I like to have objects in my ass while I masturbate, but I don't have a dildo. What kinds of household objects can I use to simulate a penis?

Signed,
Fill My Ass

Dear Fill My Ass:

There is a reason that household objects are household objects; they each have a purpose, and it's not sexual. I am thrilled that you've discovered anal penetration as part of your masturbation ritual, but I really don't want to encourage you to grab the hairbrush, the shampoo bottle, the cucumber, or anything else lying around. Has it been done? Of course, but I don't condone it usually. I really recommend that you buy a dildo. You need something with a flared base for anal penetration; it's an absolute necessity, so the object doesn't get sucked into your ass or lost somewhere in your rectum. Sex toys were manufactured with sex in mind, they are designed for penetration, and therefore much more ideal for it than a makeshift dong. There are relatively inexpensive dildos on the market, especially the rubber or jelly variety (silicone dicks are much more expensive). But yourself a $15 or $20 dildo, and I promise it is well worth the investment. You'll find lots of great toys at Toys in Babeland.

Q & A: What STDs can I get from anal sex?

2008-12-09T12:54:00.000-08:00

Q. What STDs can I get from anal sex? Is it imperative that I wear a condom during anal sex to protect myself from disease? Is it dangerous for a woman to get fucked in her vagina after getting fucked in her ass?

Condom Curious

Dear Condom Curious:

The American Medical Women's Association recommends that you and your partner should be tested for HIV 6 months after you or your partner has had sexual contact with a different partner. During that six-month period, you should practice safer sex. You can contract almost any STD, including herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV, as well as hepatitis, through unprotected analingus and anal penetration with an infected partner. To reduce your risk, you should use barriers for analingus (rimming) and condoms for anal penetration. Originally designed for use by dentists as the name indicates, dental dams are squares of latex which safer sex practitioners have coopted for use as oral sex barriers. Because they were not developed with sex in mind, dental dams can be too small and too thick to make them ideal. Glyde Dams are a larger, thinner version designed specifically for oral sex which do the job much better than traditional dental dams. They are available at better sex toy stores. To make your own latex dam, you can cut a non-lubricated condom up one side; these tend to be thinner like the Glydes, which allows both partners more feeling and greater sensitivity. You can also transform a latex glove into a dam: cut the wrist and the fingers off, leaving the thumb intact. Open it up, stick your tongue in the thumb slot, and voila—it's like a condom for your tongue! This is my favorite kind of a dam because it affords both giver and receiver the highest sensitivity. For obvious reasons, it's best to use a glove that isn't powdered or to rinse the powder off before you put your mouth near it. Try putting a dab of lube on the inside and outside of the thumb for even more sensitivity. Store-bought plastic wrap (like Saran Wrap) is not just for leftovers—it also makes a good barrier for rimming. Plastic wrap is less expensive and easier to find than latex dams, which makes it more convenient. Another advantage: trying wrapping your sweetie's privates in plastic—think of it as a homemade thong. Then you can go to town without having to hold the dam in place. Safe, hands-free ass licking at last!

Putting a latex glove on your hand for finger fucking protects both you and your partner, especially if you have any cuts, scratches or even torn cuticles. Gloves come in several different sizes, and you should make sure that they are well-fitting. A glove that's too small will cut off your circulation, and one that is too big will feel baggy and uncomfortable inside the receptive partner. You can also wear gloves for other purposes: if your nails are long, sharp or ragged, if you are squeamish about the cleanliness of anal penetration, or if you want to smooth out your fingers before they go inside your lover. If you find that wearing latex gloves irritates your skin, you may be sensitive to the powder that coats the inside, which is common; find an unpowdered glove instead.

As part of safer sex, you should use a condom every time you have either vaginal or anal penetration. In fact, because of the delicacy of anal and rectal tissue, bodily fluids infected with HIV and other viruses are transmitted and absorbed easier and more quickly into the bloodstream through the mucous membrane of the rectum. Thus, unprotected anal intercourse can be more risky for both partners than unprotected vaginal intercourse. You should never, ever put anything in the vagina that has been in the anus without thoroughly washing and disinfecting it first. Transferring rectal bacteria into the vagina can lead to yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and other ailments which will put a halt to your sex life. Just don't go there. If you're likely to want to use the same hand or tool in both the vagina and the anus, or your anus and then your partner's, that's a lot of running to the bathroom to wash up each time you want to switch gears. Using a new glove and/or condom each time you switch orifices or activities means less time cleaning and more time fucking.

Q & A: What should I look for when I buy butt plug?

2008-12-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Q. I, like you, totally love anal sex. I have played with dildos and vibrators, and had lots of fun. I think I want to try a butt plug next. I am wondering if you have any recommendations for good plugs. Do you have a favorite? What should I look for when I buy one?

Butt Plug Beginner

Dear Butt Plug Beginner:

Dear Butt Plug Beginner:

The traditional shape of a butt plug looks like a tear drop with a thicker bottom or a skinny pear shape. There are variations on the shape, including a lopsided diamond shape and a bulbous head with a long neck. Above the wide flared base, the plug's neck has the smallest circumference, designed to allow the sphincter muscles to close around it. Butt plugs may be smooth or textured with ridges, ripples, rings, or bumps. Butt plugs are usually made of latex rubber or silicone; there are also clear acrylic (similar to Lucite), glass, wood, ceramic, and even metal plugs, but they are for more experienced anal players.

Butt plugs come in a whole bunch of sizes, and remember that it is always best to start small and work your way up. If you like the feeling of something just being in your ass, and appreciate the fullness and pressure without necessarily moving in and out, than you would probably love a butt plug. Butt plugs are meant to go in and stay in. Once you slowly slide a well-lubed plug inside the ass, you can then move on to something else—clitoral stimulation, a blow job, vaginal penetration, whatever you'd like—and the butt plug will continue to stimulate without a lot of work on your part. If you have a butt plug in, you may find that when you get really aroused or during orgasm, the plug inadvertently slips (or even shoots!) right out of your ass. While this may be surprising or embarrassing, don't be alarmed, it's pretty common. Remember that during arousal, your genital muscles contract, and those contractions may actually push a plug out of your ass. This doesn't necessarily mean that the plug is too small and you need to run out and upgrade—it's just a signal that you were very turned on!

Butt plugs are also a great way to warm up the ass for bigger things to come. Putting in a plug and leaving it in for a while lets the ass get used to having something inside it. The ass opens up and relaxes around it, and when you take it out, you're ready to move on to something more. Whatever kind of plug you select, it must have one important feature: a flared base. Perhaps you have heard rumors about people "losing" objects in their rectums and rushing to the emergency room. Or maybe you've seen one of several web sites which document X-rays of different items people have put in their rectums. While part of this is pure urban legend, the truth is you can get something lost in your ass if you aren't careful. Once you are aroused, your pelvic muscles contract, and this could cause your ass to "suck" something all the way inside it. The best way to prevent your own trip to the ER is to use a toy with a flared base since the base will prevent it from going beyond the rectum and into the colon.

Q & A: she can't take my turgid member as frequently as I would like.

2008-12-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

Q. It's wonderful that you are so pro-anally inclined. I am a connoisseur of fine posteriors (my wife's being on top of the list—sorry, don't feel bad!). As I was trying to coax my wife into the act, somehow, she tightened up and it became a painful ordeal. We've had anal sex before, and she enjoys plugs in her butt when we are having vaginal sex. But she can't take my turgid member as frequently as I would like.

Help My Turgid Member

Dear Help My Turgid Member:

Glad to hear that you worship your wife's ass. Now, you need to take a little extra care so that both of you can enjoy anal sex. First of all, if she's experiencing pain during penetration, there may be several different causes. In general, you need to concentrate on giving her a lot of foreplay before you move on to putting your dick in her ass. Use your fingers, then a dildo smaller than your dick, and let her get used to that first. Go slow, and make sure everything feels good to her before graduating to more fingers or a bigger toy. If she experiences discomfort or pain, there may be too much friction. Add some more lube, and see if it feels better when you slide back in. Or you could stop the movement of your finger or the toy, but stay inside; see if the pain subsides. If she's still hurting, stop penetration altogether and focus on more external stimulationÑa hand job, oral sex, more foreplay.

Let her know that she's the one in control of the situation, and if she needs to, stop the activity altogether. She needs to relax, take some deep breaths, listen to her body, and tell you when she's ready. After she is warmed-up and ready for your cock, lubricate your turgid member and re-lube her ass. Place your cock at her anal opening and hold it with your hand to help you guide it. Now, you have a few options: 1) Have her move her body toward your cock (forward or backward depending on your positions), while you guide it inside; 2) Rub your cock against her opening. This external stimulation should relax the anus. As the sphincter muscles contract, the opening appears to "wink" at you. As it winks open, take the opportunity to slide in. 3) Press your cock against her opening and gently push against it (she may want to either relax or bear down in order to let you inside). 4) Penetrate her ass with your finger, withdraw it, and while her anus is open, gently insert your penis. Have her stimulate her clit as you penetrate her. This will relax and arouse her, making penetration easier. Deep breathing will help her relax and concentrate on opening her ass to you as well as circulating blood to her genitals. (Taking shallow breaths tightens the muscles and inhibits the engorgement process.)

If you're having trouble hitting your intended target (hey, those two holes are close together and it's slippery with all that lube), have her wrap her fingers around the head of your cock and help to guide you inside her ass. When you first get inside her ass, don't go too deep. Again, you want to give her ass an opportunity to get used to your penis. Keep your movements slow, gentle, and subtle at first. When she's ready, you can venture farther inside and start some slow thrusting. She should tell you if she wants you to go deeper or faster or both. Then, it's simply a matter of exploring what feels good for both of you.

Q & A: I am worried about anal sex. I like it, but I know not everyone does.

2008-12-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

Q. I dated a woman for three years. We had a wonderful, rich, loving sex life. We had a lot of anal play, and we both enjoyed giving and receiving. I am ready to start dating again, and I am worried about anal sex. I like it, but I know not everyone does. I have been told (and I know it is true in my case) that a lover who really cares about me will want to fulfill my sexual desires, but the idea of "pushing" anal sex on anyone makes me nervous. At the same time, I like it. When I dated this woman, we started slow and gentle (and very caring), and after a year or so, we were using handcuffs, talking nasty—for fun. I want to love a person first, and the sex second, but I am afraid I won't get what I want. I have a feeling you are going to tell me that I am reasonably normal, and that I shouldn't worry about it. If that is the case, fine, but I need to be told by someone knowledgeable in the field.

Thanks a million,
Loving Anal Slut

Dear Loving Anal Slut:

You're right, you are a reasonably normal guy, a reasonably normal guy who happens to really like anal sex. It sounds like your three-year relationship was very fulfilling for you, and that you approached anal sex in the right way, with plenty of love, communication, and patience (and lube, I hope!). I think it's absolutely okay that you want anal sex to be a part of your next intimate relationship. Your desire for buttfucking is obviously part of what makes you tick sexually, and bravo to you for identifying it and owning up to it. But I see your dilemma: what if you find the perfect girl and she's not gung ho about you doing her bunghole? Well, presumably you are looking for a mate who has a similarly liberal and adventurous attitude about sexuality as you do; if you like anal play, bondage, and dirty talk, you obviously need a partner who's inclined toward experimentation beyond the missionary position. As you date and hunt around for a new relationship, be confident in who you are and what you like, and be honest with your partners. I find that since I've gotten seriously into anal sex, I have not landed in bed with anyone who isn't into some backdoor lovin'. I'm obviously putting some kind of vibe out there that people are picking up on, and I find that I tend to be attracted to people with whom I am very sexually compatible. Rather than feeling worried, obsessed, or even a little guilty about your anal desires, why not embrace them fully? Once you do, you have a greater chance of attracting women who will not only fulfill your desires, but may even exceed your wildest expectations!

Q & A: A couple of times, I have come before him

2008-12-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

Q. My boyfriend and I have been exploring anal sex together, and it's been really great. We have come together, and it is totally awesome. A couple of times, I have come before him, and my insides feel as though he is doing damage. If I come before my boyfriend does during anal, why is it that it hurts for him to continue thrusting to his climax? It is really a mood breaker for us both, especially if he hasn't come yet. It's like I want his cock out of me right that very minute. What can I do (besides not coming) to maintain the comfort and pleasure waiting for him to shoot his load?

All the best,
Early Cummer

Dear Early Cummer:

I get so many letters about people being shy or scared about anal sex or having trouble making it work. Every woman should be so lucky to have your problem! One explanation for this feeling is that your ass, like your pussy, has contractions during orgasm. After you climax, all the blood that rushed to your genital area disperses, and your ass returns to its non-aroused state (which doesn't want a cock inside it). Well, I've had first-hand experience with your particular dilemma; I too sometimes come first and find it difficult to go on. So, what can you do about it? Well, you already identified one option, which is to delay your orgasm until after his climax. That way, you extend your pleasure for even longer, and don't have any discomfort.

But, you indicated that you want another strategy. Well, one thing to consider is, after you come, have him slow down his movement or even stop thrusting, but still stay in your ass. Take a few minutes to recover from your mind-blowing orgasm, then concentrate on relaxing your ass and taking lots of deep breaths. Keep your mind on the pleasure and not on the fear that he might be "doing damage," which will definitely help you relax. To extend your arousal, play with your pussy and clit, and have him slowly resume his in-and-out. Continue to breath deeply, work your clit, and relax your ass. As he pumps your ass, talk to him and let him know how it feels. Hopefully, you can have a second orgasm in the process!

Q & A: I can't get my dick in my wife's ass

2008-12-09T12:34:00.000-08:00

Q. For a long time, I have been trying to give it to my wife up the ass. But when I start to put it in her ass, I am only able to get the head part of the way in, then it won't go much further. We found an ad in a swinger's magazine for a guy who said he was a pro at ass fucking. He promised if it hurt her, he would stop. He was a black man with a very large cock, and I was sure that he couldn't get it in. He started by playing around with her, then they had vaginal intercourse. He slowly worked a finger up her butt. He told her to get on her hands and knees doggie-style, then he worked another finger inside her ass. He pulled his fingers out, then placed the head of his cock against the opening of her butt. I was amazed at how easily he got his dick in her ass. But since then, I have tried, and she just flinches and tightens up. I want to get my dick in my wife's ass, can you please help?

Dying to Get It In

Dear Dying To Get It In:

Well, the good news is that your wife seems to be physically capable of taking and enjoying a cock up her ass, according to your story about her romp with the swinger. The bad news is that cock wasn't yours. Well, I think you can learn a few things from your swinger friend. First, let me applaud him for saying that if it hurt her, he would stop, and I encourage you to give her the same reassurance. It will help her relax and put her mind at ease. He engaged in lots of foreplay before the anal deed, including vaginal penetration and using his fingers to warm up her ass. Both activities probably got your wife aroused, relaxed, and ready for more. Follow his lead, and make sure you use plenty of lube (in both of her holes) when you do. Ask her when she's ready for your cock, and let her be the one in control of the action from there. Ask her what position she wants to be in, or maybe suggest doggie-style, since that worked for her before. Rub the head of your cock at her opening, tease her with it, and let her prepare herself for the penetration. Have her reach back and guide your cock with her hand. This way, she can control the pace and depth of your entry. She can also come back on your dick from that position. You may need to help her out by pressing firmly, but don't rush it and definitely don't just shove your cock in her. With patience, I have hope you are on your way to assfucking delight!

Q & A: I am a bit nervous that when we are actually doing anal sex, I will have an accident.

2008-12-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

Q. I am dating this awesome guy who is completely open to everything my dirty little mind has thought up but never had anyone to try it on before. Well, I am pretty keen on giving him my ass, but when it comes to receiving, I am a bit nervous. I am freaked out that when we are actually doing it, I will have an accident. The last thing I want in the middle of getting it on is for it all to come out in the end. Please explain to me the easiest, cleanest, and worry-free way I can go about this, so I can truly enjoy myself.

Dirty Little Mind Wants A Clean Butt

Dear Dirty little Mind Wants A Clean Butt:

Have no fear! If you are a generally healthy woman with a good diet, normal bowel movements, and no gastrointestinal problems, you can have relatively clean anal sex. Taking a hot, soapy shower and having a bowel movement before anal penetration will insure that there may only be trace amounts of fecal matter in your anal canal and rectum. If you want to take the extra step and have an enema, go right ahead. But know that you don't have to have an enema to have a mess-free buttbanging. If you do want to have an enema, there are several different kinds. You can buy a Fleet Enema or a plastic bulb syringe at the drug store. If you use a Fleet, first you should empty the plastic bottle—it contains a liquid laxative which you don't need to use—and refill it with plain warm water. Always follow the instructions on the box. Or you may want to use an enema bag (a water bottle with a tube attached to it) which rinses farther up into the rectum. Fill the bag with plain warm water only. In addition to your enema bag and tubing, you need a hook of some kind and a place to hang the bag that will be within easy reach of your butt and about eighteen inches (check this) above your ass. Find a position that's comfortable; you may want to try squatting, lying on your side with one leg pulled up to your chest, or kneeling with your ass up, head down. Use some water-based lubricant on the tip of the nozzle; this goes for the bulb syringe as well, and the Fleet enemas tip is pre-lubricated. Gently insert the tube into your ass.

With a Fleet or bulb syringe, simply squeeze the bottle or bulb and the water will flow into your rectum. With an enema bag, you need to release the gauge on the bag until water begins to flow at the desired pressure (very low pressure is best). Let yourself fill up until you feel like you've had enough. When you feel full, close the gauge, take the tube out. Wait a little while (the time varies depending on the person) until you feel like you need to have a bowel movement, then go to the toilet. Repeat the enema several times until only clear water comes out.

If you are going to use an enema, you should have one at least three hours before you have anal sex. An enema loosens everything in your bowels. Oftentimes, after you feel like you are completely cleaned out, you'll have an urge a little while later only to discover there was more in there. This is the second wave, and you don't want it to happen while you're in the throes of anal pleasure! Giving yourself an enema in the morning before a hot date that night is fine. If it's not disposable (like a Fleet) then clean your enema equipment well, and do not share it with a partner. Do not overdo it on enemas. I don't want to see any of you at an Enema Addicts Anonymous meeting!

Q & A: I need to open the conversation about anal sex in an attractive and fun way.

2008-12-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

Q. My wife and I have not delved into anal sex. She's hesitant, while I'd like to play. I'd like us to play both ways, hers by mine and me by hers. I've read your advice before and get the gist of how to do things. I need to open the conversation about anal sex in an attractive and fun way. Any suggestions on how to talk about what would be a new sport for us?

Signed,
Wanting to Play Ball

Dear Wanting to Play Ball:

Well, I am glad to hear that you are already approaching the subject with an open mind and ass—mainly, that you're willing to go both ways when it comes to anal pleasure—and I am sure your wife will be, too. Obviously, I want to let the world know about how awesome anal sex can be, but, as a sex educator, I don't want to coerce anyone into doing something they don't want to do. You wrote that your wife is hesitant—have you talked about this subject with her? An honest discussion may be what both of you need. There could be a variety of reasons why she's not gung-ho about anal sex. Like so many of us, your wife may have certain misconceptions about buttfucking—that it's dirty, painful, or only for a man's pleasure—which prevent her from wanting to dive right in.

You should correct those myths with the facts: anal sex doesn't have to be a big mess; if you do it right, it won't hurt; and women can get off on it in plenty of ways. Or, perhaps she has had a bad experience in the past. If a boyfriend before you tried to go from zero to 60 in five seconds by sticking his dick in her ass without warm-up, lube, or communication, then chances are it hurt a lot and she never wants to do it again. Here's your chance to reassure her that this time, with you, it will be different. You will take your time, use plenty of lube, and work her ass up to your cock. If you want to be sexy about this whole conversation, why not whisper in her ear a fantasy you have about fucking her in the ass. That, coupled with communication and information, ought to get her revved up!

Q & A: We are both intrigued by anal play (giving and receiving), but she is a little concerned.

2008-12-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

Q. My wife and I of nine years have been experiencing trouble for some time in our relationship. Upon my search to get a new fire rolling, I sought out new ways to please her, which in turn brought us to the world of BDSM. We are both intrigued by anal play (giving and receiving), but she is a little concerned. I think it might be too painful for her. Is it the same for men and women? I know about the prostate gland, but aside from that, what are the differences? I myself believe we are well on our way to restoring and incorporating this new volcano of sexual energy, but I want to make it happen safely. Also, what are your thoughts on switching?

Respectfully,
Brian

Dear Brian:

It makes perfect sense to me when people want to combine anal sex and BDSM. Anal play can be very emotionally and psychologically charged, and it can be a perfect activity in which to explore the erotic dynamics of power and control. We learn early on that our assholes are a source of embarrassment and shame or that our buttholes are private, dirty, and shouldn't be thought of in a sexual way. Anal sex is taboo, forbidden, shrouded in mystery and misinformation. Our asses are also very delicate, sensitive areas that require an extra level of communication, trust, and skill. In other words, you can hurt someone if you don't do it correctly. When I say hurt, I mean not in a good way.

When I teach anal sex workshops to people who aren't into BDSM, I try to help them overcome all those negative feelings so they can move on and have pleasurable anal sex. But if you are into BDSM, it's a different story. As tops, we can take advantage of all these elements of anal eroticism in a scene. We can play on all these different psychological angles to make anal sex a hot BDSM experience. You can taunt a bottom, telling her that she's nasty and perverted for getting fucked in the ass. You can take a level of control and comfort away from your bottom. When I bottom, I find that giving up my ass to my top can be the ultimate act of submission. Giving over such a delicate part of my body to another person magnifies the inherent power in penetration.

In a non-BDSM context, I recommend lots of communication, but the kinds of things I recommend people say don't necessarily translate while you're in role. A top can't ask "How does that feel honey, am I hurting you?" A bottom can't say "Go slower, I don't like it so fast; Okay, I'm ready for more now." That kind of banter could throw off the dynamic. So I recommend prior communication and negotiation. You can also incorporate different ways to warm up your bottom's ass into your scene—for example, if you develop a system where the bottom needs to tell you when she wants something bigger in her ass, you'll know she's ready without having to ask her (she'll be the one who has to ask!).

As for my thoughts on switching, contrary to some popular thinking, switches are not just wishy-washy folks who can't make up their minds. Switches are people who like to see things from both sides and take different positions depending on the particular situation. You may start out wanting to experience different aspects of BDSM from both ends, doling it out and taking it, then find you come to see you really do fit into one or the other. But don't feel like you have to choose right away or identify yourself to the world at large. Focus on what you want rather than what label applies to you.

Q & A: New trend in adult films: the ass to mouth act?

2008-12-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Q. What are your thoughts on what has become a new trend in adult films: the ass to mouth act? Have you indulged in this act, and how would you suggest one prepare for such a nasty maneuver? I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

Jacey

Dear Jacey:

Taking your dick out of a woman's ass and directly shoving it into her mouth may make for exciting porn, but, in real life, it can be problematic. Bacteria lives in the butt that may not peacefully exist in the mouth, and could lead to an infection. No matter how squeaky clean her rectum may be, chances are there are at least trace amounts of fecal matter which may end up on your dick—do you really want to make her suck that off? Would you put it in your own mouth? I have a better idea. Fuck her in the ass til she's right on the edge of orgasm, or you are. Order her to get on her knees and close her eyes. Talk to her, tell her she better open up her mouth for your cock. Have an anti-bacterial baby wipe stashed nearby, and quietly grab it, slide it over your cock, then toss it. Now proceed with sticking your rod in her mouth, keeping the fantasy intact, but keeping it clean for everyone involved.

Q & A: My boyfriend and I want to have a three-way experience

2008-12-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

Q. My boyfriend and I want to have a three-way experience—he and his best friend (a guy) and me. It has always been a fantasy of mine and he too wants to go through with it. We both swing, so we don't mind seeing each other with another person. I have never really done this before. I have sucked another guy off while my boyfriend fucked me. However, I have never had two guys penetrate me at the same time, but I really want to do this. I think the idea of having two cocks in me—one in my pussy and one in my ass—would be an unbelievable feeling. However, this seems to be a hard thing to pull off. Do you have any tips on how to make this experience as pleasurable as possible?

Thanks in advance,
Fingercuffs

Dear Fingercuffs:

Congrats for being able to voice your fantasy out loud and tell your boyfriend. Fantasies can be incredible forces in our lives. When you share a fantasy with your partner, it can bring you closer together—and you can have a hot time in the process! My first piece of advice is that maybe the two of you should practice some double penetration before you invite your friend over. Use a flexible vibrator or dildo in one of your holes and your boyfriend fills the other. Use lots and lots of lube, go slow, and work your way up to it. Communication is extremely important: you're testing the limits of your body, so make sure you give your man plenty of feedback about how it feels. Also realize that some women can easily and comfortably accommodate something of size in their pussy and in their ass. Others will take some effort, with lots of warm-up. But some women may not be able to do it at all, since double penetration really depends on your internal map, and if there's room for two. You are the one who will know best if it's possible, so make sure you're the one who's in charge and calling the shots. Work out the kinks on your dildo before you plan your threesome. When you are ready to tackle two flesh cocks at once, use plenty of lube and go really slow. Depending on the size and height of all three of you, some positions will work better than others. You may want to straddle one man and have the other nail you from behind. Try to take one cock about halfway inside your pussy, then angle your body to take the other one in your ass. Both men should start with shallow penetration, so you can get used to the feeling. Remember that porn stars make it look easy in adult movies, but they are seasoned professionals! You may be much more awkward your first time around. Practice makes perfect.

Q & A: Does anal sex cause problems later on?

2008-12-09T10:55:00.002-08:00

Q. My husband and I have been together for over 18 years and we have an amazing sex life. We love to explore and try new things. The only thing we haven't tried is anal sex. I've always been a little bit nervous about trying anal. Lately, I've been contemplating it more because I'm curious. And it's sort of exciting, trying something that we haven't done before. Does anal sex cause problems later on? Will I have control over my movements as I do now? Will it affect my tissues in any negative ways?

Thanking you in advance,
Dee Anne

Dear Dee Anne:

First of all, congratulations on such a long and pleasurable partnership—may you be an inspiration to couples everywhere! Your questions about negative side effects from anal sex are very common ones. Let me assure you that if you do it right—go slow, have lots of warm up, use plenty of lubrication, and start out with something small—anal sex is not going to cause you any problems later in life. Being able to take something in your ass requires relaxation of the sphincter muscles, and like any other form of exercise, the more you use those muscles, the better shape they will be in. No, you will not lose control of your bowels; in fact, you may even have better bowel control once you begin getting fucked in the ass since you'll be more in touch with that area of your body and more aware of your muscle control. The tissue of the rectum is quite sensitive and delicate and does take extra care; however, as long as you don't rush penetration, as long as you listen to your body and stop if it hurts, you will not damage the tissue in any way. Anal sex can be a healthy, positive, pleasurable part of your erotic life. Take it one step at a time!

Q & A: My girlfriend wants me to kiss and lick her anus

2008-12-09T10:55:00.001-08:00

Q. My girlfriend wants me to kiss and lick her anus. I find this difficult because I was raised by strict Catholic parents who taught me that shit is dirty. I sniffed her asshole and it did not smell. I also licked all around it, but I could not bring my tongue to her little rosebud. I kept imagining it opening up and shit coming out of it. But when my girlfriend licked my anus, I ejaculated uncontrollably onto her chest. It felt great! How can I get past my hang-up?

Thank you,
Rosebud from San Simeon

Dear Rosebud:It's not just God-fearing Catholics who shy away from ass-to-mouth action; actually, plenty of folks have a fear of shit which prevents them from exploring many different forms of backdoor love, including being tongue-tied inside a sweetie's ass. Porn star and anal queen Chloe says in my video Tristan Taormino's Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (Evil Angel Video), "Get over your fear of shit!" I second that emotion, but I realize it may be easier said than done for many folks.

So, I first want to let you in on some basics about anatomy. When you penetrate someone's ass with your tongue, your finger, a sex toy, or your cock, chances are you are not venturing beyond the rectum. You'd need something more than ten inches long or a good portion of your arm to move past the rectum and into the colon. So, for all intents and purposes, the rectum is your territory when it comes to anal play. And the rectum is not a storage facility. That's right, you can't stack boxes of old 45s in there or anything else. Feces are stored in the colon and move into the rectum when you are ready to have a bowel movement. So, if you feel like you have to go to the bathroom and you do, your rectum will be relatively clean and free of waste matter. Now, if you have the urge to poop, but instead stick something in your ass, well you are much more likely to find yourself with a mess on your hands (quite literally!). All this applies to people with good diets, regular, healthy bowel movements, and no chronic bowel or gastrointestinal problems. Empty bowels and perhaps a hot soapy shower will ensure that your anal romp will be nothing but good clean fun!

However, if you are especially concerned about cleanliness—and judging by those powerful poop images you are having, I'd say you are—then you may want to ask your girlfriend to have an enema before you go anywhere with that reluctant-yet-potentially-eager tongue of yours. You may also want to consider using a dental dam or some plastic wrap as a barrier between your mouth and her butthole. Since you have obviously experienced the ecstatic pleasures of rimming from the other end, you owe it to yourself and your girlfriend to give it right back to her. Sexual double standards suck, and it's not fair that you should be sitting on her face without letting her sit on yours.

Q & A: The problem I have with trying bigger objects is that I orgasm too quickly.

2008-12-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

Q. I really enjoy anal stimulation and sex. It is the best way to have the best orgasm as far as I am concerned. I would like to know what I can do to be able to handle larger objects in my ass. An example would be a cucumber. I have such erotic fantasies about this and really want to move on to bigger things! I do not have a problem with a butt plug. The problem I have with trying bigger objects is that I orgasm too quickly. Just the thought of it makes me tingle. Any other advice you can give me???

Sincerely,
Wanting to be spread wide in the Midwest

Dear Wanting to be Spread Wide:

So you're a size queen, huh? Honey, I identify with you. I think it's both noble and ambitious that you want to put bigger and bigger things in your ass. My advice is pretty straight forward: work your way up slowly, don't rush it, listen to your body. Use plenty of lube and have patience. If you're using toys, make sure they have flared bases (you don't want to lose anything in your ass) and are smooth. I find that butt plugs are a good way to warm up to larger toys because you can put one in and just leave it in for a little while. Your ass gets used to having something inside it, relaxes, and opens up around the plug. When you take it out, you're ready for more. Some people like more of the in-and-out fucking with fingers or dildos, but that makes me sore more quickly than butt plugs (that's just a personal preference though). Do what works for you. As for the cucumber, well, I have two concerns. Most vegetables are sprayed with pesticides which are difficult to wash off completely; unless it's organic, I wouldn't put it in my ass. Some people have told me that cucumber peels contain a kind of natural substance which is irritating to the rectum and potentially dangerous; I suppose you could get an extra large condom for protection, but I say just stick to sex toys for safety.

Q & A: Is it advisable to use butter as anal lubricant?

2008-12-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

Q. I like my boyfriend to play with me and put his fingers in my ass as we enjoy intercourse. We use butter as a lubricant (remember Last Tango in Paris?). My question is: is it advisable to use butter as a lubricant? Can it produce infections? Are there any health risks?

Signed,
Concerned Anal Player

Dear C.A.P.:

Thank the anal sex gods you wrote to me! Put that butter back in the kitchen where it belongs! Vegetable or oil based lubricants of any kind—including butter, olive oil, baby oil, Crisco, Vaseline, baby oil, or lotion—are not a good idea, especially for women. First, this group of lubricants breaks down latex, rendering your condoms and gloves useless in protecting you. Second, they weren't made for sex so they definitely don't work as well as the many lubricants on the market which are formulated specifically for sex. Third, these kinds of common household products will wreak havoc is a woman's pussy. Even when you're headed for her ass, and you are being diligent about cross-contamination (nothing should ever go ass to pussy; change the condom, the glove, the toy or wash with hot water and antibacterial soap), sometimes a little lube finds its way into her front door. In this case, that lube is a perfect breeding ground for infection, will not rinse out, and will most likely cause an infection of some kind.

A much better choice for you is a nice, thick water-based lube. Thicker lubes are better because they tend to stay wet longer, and act as a little bit of a cushion inside that delicate rectum. Some examples are: Maximus (imported from England), ID, Slippery Stuff Gel (glycerin-free and a good bet for people allergic or sensitive to glycerin), or Foreplay Lube de Luxe (Gel or Cream). The "Cream" version is actually the texture of Vaseline, but it's water-based. You may also want to try a silicone-based lube. I know people who swear by them because they stay wet forever, but they aren't my favorite.

Q & A: I felt an intense burning sensation.

2008-12-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

Q. Yesterday, my lover and I settled down to watch video. We played during the video, and the idea was that I would take her strap on anally. But a strange thing happened. When she inserted a lubed, gloved finger into my butt, I felt an intense burning sensation. After a few minutes, I had to ask that we change the scene. (I wound up giving her a blow job, instead. [Happy dance!)

That's never happened before, that burning sensation. I can still feel it a little bit now, twelve hours later. I've taken things before, like my own fingers, and a medium sized butt plug. Once, a guy even inserted a finger completely into me without lube, and that didn't hurt. But for some reason, yesterday I got a really intense burning sensation.

The lube we used was Eros lube, and it was a latex glove. I know I don't have a latex allergy, at least not a system wide one, because I work as an EMT and use latex gloves every day. I also used to cover one of my toys with a latex condom before inserting it (that goes back to when I was fourteen, though). I don't know what happened. We were so in the mood, too!!!

Have you ever encountered a similar situation? If so, what was the problem, and how did it get fixed?

Thank you so much for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
Neptune

Dear Neptune:

Hmmm. It sucks that you were so inspired by video, but your anal play was a bust! I have a few theories about what might be going on. First, you probably do not have a latex allergy since, as you say, you're an EMT and you'd know it by now. But have you considered that you may have had an allergic reaction to the lube? Different people have different sensitivities to lubricants; you may want to try a water based lubricant (since Eros, the one you tried, is silicone-based) to see if it makes a difference. If it's not the lube, it may be some kind of anal ailment. Hemorrhoids, anal fissures, even a minute tear in the delicate lining of the rectum can cause itching, irritation, burning, or pain. In that case, give your ass a vacation from butt play for about a week, then try it again. If your burning persists, you should see a doctor, because it may be a symptom which requires more extensive treatment (besides just giving your ass a break).

Now, there's one other possible explanation: your ass just didn't want to be fucked that night and the "burning" was a form of pain. In other words, sometimes we register pain in different ways: as soreness, as tightness, and, in some cases, as burning. Remember that our butts can be sort of finicky, and we need to respect them. I am glad that you stopped the scene and moved on to something else—listening to your body is so important! There are times when no matter how much you've prepared, no matter how much warm up, no matter how much you want it, your ass just won't cooperate. Sometimes, there are issues or anxieties your haven't resolved and those psychological issues are manifesting themselves on a physical level. Or you could have been particularly stressed out about something entirely different, but the stress affected your ass. Or, your ass just didn't want to go there, for no explainable reason. I hope I have given you some options to explore—good luck next time!

Q & A: Do you recommend a good butt plug?

2008-12-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

Q. Do you recommend a good butt plug? I first used a cheap jelly one, but I am ready to upgrade.

Signed,
Searching

Dear Searching:
Since I used to work at a sex toy store and I have tried such a wide variety of toys, I feel very qualified to recommend them to people. My favorite butt plugs are made of silicone instead of latex rubber. Although it is more expensive, silicone is worth it because of all its pluses: it¹s easy to clean, warms with body heat, and will conduct vibration from top to bottom. I am thrilled to share with you and all the Taboo readers that I've found the perfect butt plug. Why is it perfect? Because I made it! I teamed up with Vixen Creations, one of the best silicone sex toy manufacturers, and helped design a butt plug with my namesake. I tried to incorporate all the pros of some of my favorite butt plugs and fix some of the problems with some of my least favorite models. The result is an awesome butt plug named for me (called simply "Tristan" or "The Tristan Butt Plug"). It's not a plug for beginners, but those of you who already enjoy anal pleasure, I hope you'll like this creation.

Q & A: Past two times that we engaged in anal sex, I've been bleeding

2008-12-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

Q. My boyfriend and I have been having anal sex for a few months now, and have been enjoying the new sensations that it produces. However, the past two times that we engaged in it, I've been bleeding afterwards. What is causing this? Will it ever heal, and if so, how long will it take? What treatments can I use to stop the bleeding? The blood is evident mostly on toilet paper (bright red) and occasionally in the toilet (after a bowel movement). Please help!

JP

Dear JP:

At the first sight of blood, no matter how little, most people become alarmed. It's only natural. If you have a little bit of blood on the tissue when you wipe yourself, chances are there is no real cause for panic. The lining of the anus and rectum is quite delicate and even with the most gentle touch sometimes we can tear the tissue slightly and not even know it or feel any pain. As long as this spotting goes away in a few days, you should be fine. If, however, there is more than just a little blood, or you have other symptoms with the bleeding—like pain, cramping, or extreme soreness—then you should definitely go see a doctor. You may have something more serious like an anal fissure or a ruptured hemorrhoid. Listen to your body, use common sense, and see your doctor if you are concerned.

Q & A: My boyfriend seems to like my finger up his butt when I suck his cock.

2008-12-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

Q. My boyfriend seems to like my finger up his butt when I suck his cock. I'd like to finger him, and maybe fuck him with my fingers. I am worried, however, that I might hurt or scratch him because I have nice long fingernails, and I hate to cut them. Any advice?

Donna

Dear Donna:

Congratulations on finding your man's ass! And kudos to him for not freaking out when you reach back there during a blow job! So much pleasure awaits both of you, but you're smart to be concerned about your nails. The tissue of the anus and rectum is very delicate and requires gentle handling. Don't despair—you can keep your talons and still give him a good ass fucking. First, you need to invest in some disposable latex gloves; you can get them at drug stores and sex toy stores. They come in different sizes, and make sure you get the correct size with a good fit; you'll have better sensitivity so you can feel what you're doing and he won't feel a wrinkled baggy glove inside his ass. If you are allergic or sensitive to latex, you should get vinyl gloves; they are harder to find and a little more expensive. Many women with long nails like to stuff cotton balls in the fingertips of the gloves in order to protect their manicure and their partner's delicate asshole. Others wrap their nails in gauze before slipping on a glove. One woman recently told me she's found a finger bandage which she puts on underneath a latex glove. Whichever option you choose, make sure you use plenty of lube on your glove.

Q & A: Have you ever known of anyone using laser hair removal on their butt?

2008-12-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

Q. Have you ever known of anyone using laser hair removal on their butt? Would it be safe and effective? How else might one make the area hairless?

Bryan, New York, NY

Dear Bryan:

Every single person has some hair around their anus; it can be fine and downy or coarse and thick—it totally depends on the person. Likewise, some people are into a hairless hole, while others believe the hairier the better. If you want to get rid of the hair back there, use the same methods you would to remove hair from the pussy—shaving with razors or clippers and waxing are non-permanent ways, which need to be repeated because the hair does grow back. Skip creams like Nair that promise to "remove hair"; they shouldn't be used in the genital area. The only permanent hair removal method is electrolysis, or laser hair removal, which you inquired about.

Guidelines for shaving the anal area are very similar to shaving a woman's pussy or a man's balls and pubic area. You should use a regular disposable razor—leave the wielding of straight razors to the professionals—and plenty of non-irritating shaving cream (I find Aveeno Shaving Gel with oatmeal to be ideal). Of course, when shaving yourself or another person, you should do it in a clean well-lit place, go slow, and be careful. If you're shaving your own ass, you should use a hand-held mirror so you can see exactly what you're doing. It's probably a good idea not to shave the anal area right before you're planning to have sex; since you have a greater chance of having nicks or cuts, be extra careful and definitely practice safer sex. Oh, and one more thing: when the hair grows back, it will itch, so use a soothing lotion.

Besides its practical use, many people find that the shaving of the genital area of their partners and/or themselves can be very erotic. I happen to love to shave my ass. I shave my ass in addition to shaving my pussy (don't worry, making my first adult movie did not give me porno pussy or anything, I shaved long before that). I am proud to say that I can shave my ass with a brand new razor—without a mirror. I am so familiar with every millimeter of my ass that I can just feel my way around all the puckered flesh and tiny, sensitive folds. I love the way my ass (and my pussy for that matter) feels when it's been freshly shaved—smooth and soft and new. I love the danger of doing it, and the results of a job well done. I love the thought of someone pulling down my panties, bending me over, and thinking, what a nicely shaved asshole she has. And since my lover is such a fag when it comes to grooming, I know she notices and appreciates it. Of course, I am an anal expert and wouldn't dare recommend that you or any one else try it without a mirror!

Waxing your ass is a lot messier and definitely more painful. While I know some folks who do their own waxing at home, I say leave it to the professionals. Unless you've experienced another part of your body being waxed, I would not recommend that your first waxing experience be with your ass. All I can say is "Ouch!"

I tried to track down someone who'd actually had electrolysis on their asshole, and had no luck. I did speak with some folks at a local laser hair removal center. Electrolysis on the anal area is possible and can been done safely and effectively. There is a certain amount of pain with any electrolysis (some people describe it as a slight needle prick or a quick burning sensation), and I think that because your anal area is sensitive to begin with, there's probably more pain than, say, your legs. Electrolysis is permanent, although only after several (about 4-5) treatments, and it is expensive. It's an investment in time and money, and, if I were you, I would definitely do some research into a good dermatologist or cosmetologist to do the procedure.

Q & A: My girlfriend said she is willing to have anal sex, any start up tips?

2008-12-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Q. My girlfriend said she is willing to have anal sex, but neither her nor I have done it before, and I was just wanting some start up tips. I hope you can help us because I am looking forward to doing it.

Thank you,
Bob

Dear Bob:

Two willing anal virgins! Yippee! I am very glad you wrote, Bob, because I receive so many letters from backdoor beginners and first-timers seeking advice. You didn't specify which of you will be doing the fucking, and who will be taking it up the ass; however, I'm going to assume that you want to fuck her in the ass. (The majority of men who contact me wanting to get fucked in the ass are usually pretty specific about it.) I cannot stress enough that going slow and having patience from the start will really pay off for both of you in the end. One of the keys when trying something new is not to forget the tried and true techniques that are already working. Before you even go near her ass, get her revved up in the usual ways—her favorite oral technique, her favorite position, her favorite sex toy, etc. The more relaxed and turned on both of you are, the easier it will be. Make sure you have trimmed your nails (sharp edges suck!) and have plenty of water-based lubricant on hand—lube is an absolute must for anal penetration of any kind. Tease the outside of her ass with your fingers, your tongue, maybe a vibrator.

When she's ready for you to penetrate her, use one well-lubed finger. Instead of going straight inside, touch the pad of your finger to her opening; this trick usually relaxes the anus, allowing you to slip your finger in. Don't go too far too fast! Go up to the first knuckle and just stay there, letting her ass get used to having something inside. When she's ready for more, slip farther inside her ass slowly and gently. Make sure that she's the one in control of the action—and she should let you know if she wants more or less, slower or faster, deeper or not-so-deep.

You should set some realistic goals, because most women can't go from zero to sixty in one session. Decide to work your way up to one finger, two, or a small butt plug on your first try; that way, you won't rush things. Going too fast or trying to do too much is a surefire route to pain and discomfort, which we don't want. Practice a few times with fingers or small toys before you whip your dick out. Repeat as necessary. When you're both ready for you to put your cock in her ass, again work your way up to it, go slow, and let her guide the action. Use plenty of lube and have a blast!

Q & A: My boyfriend would like to insert a butt plug and have me wear it overnight

2008-12-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

Q. My boyfriend would like to insert a butt plug and have me wear it overnight. Is it safe to do so?

Denise, New York, NY

Dear Denise:

I assume that you and your boyfriend are experienced anal players if he's cooked up this little plan for you. I'd like to address your question and also talk about wearing butt plugs in general for readers who may be less experienced. For many people, the feeling of fullness one gets from having a butt plug inserted is highly pleasurable, and some like to extend that pleasure for various lengths of time. My friend Susan wears a butt plug on long traveling excursions by car and train; she says it makes the time go faster. I know another woman who likes to wear a butt plug out on a date, in order to begin foreplay over dinner at a restaurant. Through each course of the meal, she is reminded of her ass, and with every shift in her seat, she prepares her ass for bigger things to come. I've also heard of plug lovers who like to wear a butt plug out in public just for the hell of it. These folks carry on everyday activities with a big smile on their faces. They like the feeling that they know something the rest of the world doesn't. They are having a naughty sexual experience in public that no one else knows about but them!

Wearing a butt plug out in public or for an extended period of time can be hot, fun, and sexy, and here are a few tips to make it even better. First, you should work your way up slowly. Begin by wearing a butt plug for a half hour, see how it feels, how you like it, what works and what doesn't. If your thirty minute excursion goes well, try an hour next time. Continue building up the amount of time (in reasonable increments) that you wear the plug. Like anything else you put in your ass, the butt plug should be well lubricated. You may want to consider taking it out every hour, re-lubing it and re-inserting it. Some of you purists may consider this cheating, but keep in mind that the lube will be absorbed by your body eventually, and the plug may get uncomfortable. You have a number of options when it comes to making sure the plug stays securely in your ass and won't fall out. You can purchase a butt plug harness which looks very similar to a dildo harness and does the job quite nicely. Sometimes a very tight pair of underwear, briefs, or a thong will keep it in, depending on the size of the plug and how strong those sphincter muscles are. My girlfriend loves to make a rope harness for me that runs between my legs. When I move, the rope rubs against both the plug in my ass and my pussy giving me a double sensation I just love. If you do use rope, make sure it's not too tight and that it's soft rope that doesn't chafe or burn. Don't make complicated knots that are not easy to remove in case you have to do it in a hurry.

Wearing a butt plug for a long time won't block anything unless you need to have a bowel movement, and then (common sense) take it out, go to the bathroom, and you can put it back in. Finally, on to your question about wearing a butt plug overnight. If you are very experienced with wearing butt plugs for long periods of time, I say, go for it. Make sure to use lots of lube, and you should probably take it out first thing in the morning when you wake up!

Q & A: Does woman actually get any pleasure out of anal sex?

2008-12-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

Q. I just wanted to know if a woman actually gets any pleasure out of anal sex or is it just the guy? I've buttfucked some women who like it but others think it's absolutely disgusting.

Alan, Dubai

Dear Alan:

I am always slightly surprised by this question when I get it, and my gut response is: do people think that I have devoted my life to anal sex just for my health? Of course it's pleasurable for me; why would I do it, write about it, talk about it so much if it didn't bring me mind-blowing orgasms? The myth that women don't enjoy receiving anal sex and that they just do it to please their partners is particularly prevalent among heterosexuals. Often, when we do hear about women having anal sex, the story goes something like this: the long-term boyfriend begged and begged and finally his girlfriend gave in to his demands. Her boyfriend was pleased, but she didn't enjoy herself one bit. We never hear stories about women who crave and enjoy anal play or women who initiate anal sex. Author Susan Crain Bakos said, "Buttfucking is seen as the ultimate male sexual fantasy. We, as a culture, don't understand how much women can like taking it up the ass." She's right: there are plenty of women who love buttfucking.

From a purely physical standpoint, the anus, anal canal, and rectum are wonderfully erogenous zones, rich in nerve endings and super-sensitive to stimulation and penetration. At the right angle, many women find that you can indirectly stimulate the G-spot (the spongy tissue around the urethra located on the front wall of the vagina) through anal penetration. G-spot stimulation feels great and even makes some women orgasm. As I say in the introduction to my book on anal sex, "The first time someone put their finger in my butt, I almost went crazy from the pleasure. The sensations I experienced were so intense, incredible, and heavenly, that it was nearly mind-blowing. I felt high from the experience, and I couldn't wait to do it again. The first time I put my finger in someone else's butt, the results were just as fabulous—I felt entrusted with my partner's deepest vulnerabilities, in awe of the ecstatic pleasure I could give. Each time I could take a little more and give a little more, the more sexually alive and powerful I felt. As I incorporated anal eroticism into my sex life, my sex life became better and better. The sex got hotter, my partners extra adventurous, my orgasms fierce and explosive. The physical sensations were undeniably some of the best I'd ever felt in my life. I confess too that beyond the deep body gratification, the naughtiness of it all really turned me on." When you add the emotional aspects of anal sex—trust, tasting the forbidden, surrender, submission—to the physical sensations, you've got a very powerful sexual experience.

Q & A: Is it possible that my state of mind affects the whole anal sex experience?

2008-12-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

Q. My boyfriend and I have tried anal sex a couple of times, and each time it was very uncomfortable. I know anal sex isn't supposed to hurt (and when we try, it usually doesn't), but I don't like the way my ass feels—like having to go to the bathroom really bad. Do all people feel this during anal sex, and is there a way to do it without the discomfort? Although I am not opposed to anal sex, I do not find it nearly as stimulating as vaginal sex. Is it possible that my state of mind affects the whole anal sex experience?

Signed,
S.N. (via email)

Dear S.N.:

I am so glad you wrote to me because your questions and concerns are some of the most popular I receive via mail, on my web site, and at my anal sex workshops. You are absolutely right that anal sex is not supposed to hurt, and if it does, that's your body's way of telling you, "This isn't working right now!" If you feel pain, you should always listen to your body and stop. Your overall arousal, plenty of warm up and foreplay, lots of lube, deep breathing, and relaxation can all help counter pain and turn it into pleasure (which, of course, is what we all want out of anal sex!). I realize that there is a fine line sometimes between pain and discomfort, and each person is different. You need to judge for yourself where that line is.

Your letter indicates that it's not pain you are feeling, but discomfort. Let me say right off the bat that discomfort is common, especially to anal sex beginners. One of the reasons you, and many first-timer anal receivers, may experience discomfort is simply because your body is experiencing something new. Many people tell me they have the urge to have a bowel movement during anal sex; well, I recommend you stop and go to the bathroom. You may, in fact, have to go. But it's more likely that your body is just a little confused. Our rectums are used to expelling things, so when the rectum feels something inside, it sends a signal to the brain to shit it out, which is what it normally does. The next time you feel like you have to have a bowel movement, I recommend you take several deep breaths, relax, and let your ass get used to whatever is inside it. Make sure that the finger, sex toy, or penis inside you stays put and doesn't make any sudden movements. Chances are after you relax, that initial feeling will subside, and you can progress onto anal pleasure. Remember too that the more you practice anal penetration—with lube and warm up—the more your ass will get used to having things inside it, and will respond with less confusion and more pleasure.

In the end of your letter, you raised another important issue which is how your ambivalent feelings about anal sex may be affecting your experience of it. Your point is a good one: if you aren't wholeheartedly gung ho to get your ass fucked, those emotional and psychological feelings will absolutely have an impact on your physical experience. Desire is a key ingredient to hot, satisfying anal sex, and if it's missing, you can experience tension, discomfort, and pain. You may be harboring some unresolved issues about anal sex. Most of us have grown up with myths and misinformation about this taboo subject: it's dirty; it's not normal; it will cause irreparable damage. Sometimes simply getting correct information (like in my book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and Jack Morin's Anal Pleasure and Health) can counteract any negative feelings. Now, there is also the possibility that you aren't a backdoor girl, anal sex just isn't for you, and you should respect your own desires. It would make this backdoor girl sad, but to each her own!

Q & A: I have some interest in enemas and want to know about using coffee or beer

2008-12-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

Q. I have some interest in enemas and want to know about using coffee or beer in an enema. Do porn stars have an enema before an anal scene? Do they eat a special diet to keep from getting gassy?

L.C. Jr.

Dear L.C. Jr.:

Enemas are a great way to cleanse your anal canal and rectum, and many people like to have an enema before anal penetration to make sure their butts are squeaky clean. When giving yourself an enema, you should always, always use plain warm water. You should never add coffee, beer, wine, or any other additives to an enema --- this will make you very sick very quickly. Anything you put in your rectum will be directly absorbed into your bloodstream, just like if you shot it into your veins with a hypodermic needle. Plain water is all you need to flush yourself out. In general, porn stars do give themselves enemas before anal sex scenes, although not right before a scene. It's a good idea to give yourself an enema several hours before you plan on having anal sex in order to give your body a chance to recover and relax. Some porn stars I know actually clean out the night before and report that it's the best way to ensure that their bowels have returned to normal and there won't be any unexpected mess. As for their diets, well, it depends. Some people find that before a round of heavy anal play, they like to eat mild foods which are easy to digest and won't upset their gastrointestinal tract. Many of the gay male anal fisters I know recommend avoiding foods with seeds like strawberries. I'd say that avoiding the five alarm chili is a great idea!

Q & A: He always pulls out when he is about to come

2008-12-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

Q. My husband and I have been married for six years. Although he has always played with my ass while we were making love, about three weeks ago, he actually put his cock in my ass. We've been doing it ever since, and it's been great! He's rather large, but we do a lot of warm up. Generally, we do it doggie style because I enjoy looking in the mirror, and seeing him behind me pumping away. Here's my dilemma. Dennis always pulls out when he is about to come. This is very disappointing to me, and I would like to have him continue and shoot his juice into me. Would there be any problem with allowing his sperm to get into me that way?

V.P., Bennington, VT

Dear V.P.:

Congratulations on discovering the pleasures of butt bangin'! Once you open this particular flood gate, things will never be the same again. The question about your husband coming in your ass is a popular one (I got the same query from five different people this month). There really is nothing like the feeling of having a man's hot load burst from his cock and fill that tight little orifice. He doesn't have to feel worried or anxious about pulling out at the right moment—he can concentrate on working his way up and just letting go. He can stay inside until he has ridden his climax all the way to its end. As the receptive partner, the feeling of a firm dick inside my ass is out of this world, and I especially like to feel the moment before the climax, when that dick gets rock hard and ready to explode; if the guy pulls out at that moment, I feel empty, deprived, hungry, left on the side of the road to walk home alone. If we can share his coming together, I feel more connected with my partner, and his peak usually pushes me right over the edge into my own ecstatic orgasm.

But I understand that you are concerned about the safety of such a slippery through-the-sphincters delivery. If you are monogamous, and both of you have tested negative for HIV, STDs, and hepatitis, then your husband can come in your ass, and it is relatively low risk for both of you. If, however, you don't have current negative test results for all these diseases, then either of you could transmit something to the other person through unprotected anal intercourse. This is true whether he comes inside you or not. You said you are married, but since this is the new millennium, I will not automatically assume that you are monogamous---you or your husband may have sex with multiple partners. If that is the case and for other readers out there who may be non-monogamous, anal penetration without a condom can put both people (and especially the receptive partner) at risk for contracting HIV, STDs, or hepatitis. Condoms and lube are the way to go. Let's play it safe, folks!

Q & A: Learn how to make anal love

2008-12-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

Q. I want to learn how to make anal love to my girlfriend in such a way that she doesn't describe it as hurting. Should we try a different position? I want it to feel so good. You are the woman who can help me.

Please help,
P.J., Reading, PA

Dear P.J.:

I wish I could hop on a plane and give a personal tutorial to each couple who seeks my advice and guidance. I would arrive with a fully stocked briefcase of lube, latex gloves, condoms, vibrators, and butt plugs. I would let you two get revved up with lots of foreplay, and when you were both ready, I would lead you through anal penetration step by step. Go slow and be gentle. Use lots of lube. Work your way up, beginning with a finger or slim butt plug or dildo. Ask her if she wants clitoral stimulation; some women like to have their clits played with while getting fucked in the ass, others like their partners to concentrate solely on the butt. If she wants your hand or tongue or vibrator on her clit, give it to her. Talk to her the whole time, see what turns her on and what doesn't work.

When you are ready to fuck her with your cock, find the best position. People always ask me: "What's the best position for anal sex?" My answer: the one that works for both of you. Missionary position can be great, unless keeping her legs in the air or over your shoulders isn't comfortable for her. Spooning works if your bodies line up naturally, and the man can get a good angle. If you choose doggie-style (my personal favorite), you can do traditional on-all-fours or do head-down-ass-in-the-air. With doggie-style, you can get a great angle to hit her G-spot, just remember not to go too deep at first. When you first enter her, just put your head inside, stop, and stay where you are. Let her sphincter muscles and anus get used to the feeling. Sometimes, she will actually suck you inside—when we are aroused, our anal canals and rectums start to contract and we can often pull a dick or a toy right in. If she doesn't suck you in, slide into her very slowly. Many men make the mistake of trying to just shove it in there, and even with the most experienced woman, that just won't work!

You sound like a very sensitive, caring, anal-sex-loving partner. Have you communicated your desires and concerns to your girlfriend? If she knows that you are caring and promise to be gentle, it will definitely set her mind (and her sphincter muscles!) at ease. You need to emphasize that, as the receptive partner, she's the one in control of the action: itÕs her call on how fast or slow, how deep or not-so-deep, and how much. That's how I'd handle the situation in person. But, alas, my schedule just doesn't permit it! Listen to her body and her verbal cues, go slow, and pretend I am there guiding you through it!

Q & A: How do you use anal plugs safely?

2008-12-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

Q. My wife is 28 and I am 30; we have been married for three years. We are starting to get into anal sex. We have your book and want to experiment more—we even want to try fisting. Our problem is that we need more toys. The biggest plugs and dildos we can find are 2 1/4" which feels like my max, but she thinks she can take more. Why is it that a big six foot man can only take a 2 1/4" plug? Also, where can we get a speculum? Are there different ones for the ass and the vagina? How do you use it safely?

Mr. G.

Dear Mr. G.:

Wow, you've got a lot going on. I don't know where you live, but I am assuming you've visited your local sex toy store and bought everything it's sellin'. For more toys, I encourage you to check out two of the best sex toy purveyors in the world—Good Vibrations located in Berkeley and San Francisco and Toys in Babeland in New York and Seattle. They both have an incredible selection of butt toys, from anal beads to high-quality silicone butt plugs and dildos by great manufacturers like Vixen and Dils for Does. You may also want to check out some of the inflatable butt plugs and dildos on the market; you can go from slim to super with a few squeezes, making it a very versatile toy. As for the size issue, some of the lines of plugs and dongs marketed toward gay men seem to be of the size queen variety. Some of them are downright scary, even to Buttgirl.

So, it seems your wife can take a bigger plug than you, huh? Well, your height has little to do with how much you can stuff in your ass. My recommendation to you: practice, practice, practice.

As for your speculum request, you can find the disposable clear plastic kind and the metal re-usable type at medical supply stores (Toys in Babeland also carries them). Technically, a speculum is a speculum, and you should select a smallish one for anal use. If medical equipment and scenes are your fetish, you can also get some more expensive menacing-looking stainless steel speculums, and you can ask a medical supply house for an anal speculum. Make sure to use plenty of lubricant, insert the speculum slowly, and open it even slower. Go back to the November issue of Taboo and check out the speculum in Hiroko's ass for some inspiration.

Q & A: Any advice for a novice professional dominatrix

2008-12-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

Q. I have just started working as a professional dominatrix, and some of my clients (men) want me to fuck them in the ass with a strap-on. Any advice for a novice in that area?

Mistress Scarlett, Minneapolis, MN

Dear Mistress Scarlett:

I am so glad you brought this subject up! I just went to a play party at a small dungeon, and watched an amazing anal scene. A tall, gorgeous dom with fiery red hair and thigh-high PVC boots had her sub on his knees sucking her strap-on cock with his hands tied behind his back. He was a little wisp of a thing, but boy could he fit that big cock in his mouth. After he serviced her, she put him on a bondage table on his back, and basically tied his knees to his chest with some beautiful rope work (red, of course). When she snapped on a latex glove, you could see his eyes get big and glassy. She started working her fingers in his ass, and he squirmed and moaned, but couldn't go anywhere. She came to the edge of the table and started teasing him with her greased-up cock. He went nuts. Finally, she gave it to him, all eight inches, and he was in heaven.

Now for my advice:

There are so many men out there who enjoy having their assholes stimulated, played with, licked, and penetrated. And, according to lots of men I've talked to who are into power play, they especially love to be anally penetrated as part of being dominated, disciplined, even punished or humiliated. In addition to all the nerve endings in the anal area, men have a pleasure spot that's just too good to overlook---the prostate gland. You can stimulate the prostate with your finger or a dildo.

First, you want to choose a harness that fits you well---the snugger and more secure the better; there are many different kinds (usually made of nylon or leather), and you should definitely try them on in a sex toy store if possible to see which works best for you. For beginning anal players, I would recommend a smaller dildo to start out, but of course, you should find what works best for you and your clients.

As the one doing the penetration, you should also experiment with different positions. I know that the first few times I fucked someone in the ass with a strap-on, I had the person in traditional doggie-style position for several reasons: 1) doggie style gives you a clear view of the butthole, so you can see what the hell you're doing 2) the position allows for a good angle of penetration, towards the prostate in men (and towards the G-spot in women); and 3) it's an easy angle to get your balance, establish a rhythm, and get some good thrusting going. So, you may want to start out that way, but you can also try missionary (usually with legs over the shoulders) or man-on-top. Although, as a dominant, I would say that putting him in a position with his ass in the air and head down is probably the best way to go, both practically and for its obvious submissive possibilities.

Anal penetration requires patience, practice and lube, lots of lube. Make sure your bottom is warmed up with lots of teasing. When you start out, you want to go slow and let the butt get used to having something inside it. Always work your way up, adding more lube as you go. When he's finally read for that big silicone dick, be gentle at first; the more you go easy in the beginning, the more his ass will open up and trust you later on when you really want to ram the guy!

For more on this subject, definitely check out a fabulous new video series: Bend Over Boyfriend (Fatale Video) and Bend Over Boyfriend 2: Less Talkin', More Rockin' (S.I.R. Productions). There is also a good book called The Strap On Book (Greenery Press) and a new one on the way, The Ultimate Guide to Dildo and Harness Sex (Cleis Press).

Q. I recently visited my local hip sex shop, and was amazed how many sex toys there are! There was a whole shelf of "butt plugs"--- are those the best for anal penetration? Are there other particular toys that are good ?

Overwhelmed by the Selection, Jamaica Plain, MA

Dear Overwhelmed:

Well, the Anal Advisor happens to work in a sex toy store (called Toys in Babeland) which helps me keep my finger on the pulse of sex toy trends and affords me a discount to purchase and test all the sex toys my little perverted heart desires! Let's just say I know a thing or two about toys. In fact, my toy box is overflowing right now with all kinds of tools to shove into various orifices --- my own and those of my loved ones. One of my favorite toys to use right now is a butt plug called "Voyager" and manufactured by a company called Dils for Does. It has a flared based, a skinny bottom portion and a very bulbous head at the top; it comes in four different sizes, all the same shape. The great thing about Voyager is that because of its unique shape, it is very easy to hold inside. Even with the strongest of muscles, sometimes butt plugs tend to slip out, especially if other activities are going on. This plug stays in place no matter what. I've been spanked, flogged, paddled, and caned with the plug inside. I've even been made to stand upright, do household chores, and run around---all the while with Voyager nestled in my ass!

Now for my advice:

There are lots of different toys on the market, and you should make your selection based on what you want to do with your toy. Butt plugs come in many different sizes, but all have a similar shape with slight variety: they are usually narrow at the top, thickest in the middle, and narrow at the base, which is flared. Some are diamond shaped, others are rippled with segments going from small to large. The great thing about butt plugs is that they were made for your butt. The flared base insures that a plug won't get "lost" or go too far inside your ass. Butt plugs can be inserted in the ass and worn for a period of time. Because of their shape, they are designed to stay in place rather than be pushed in and out, as the sphincter muscles close around the narrow bottom. Butt plugs are good for two things. Many people like the feeling of fullness they get from having something in their ass, while other activities are going on. Butt plugs are also a great way to get your ass used to having something in it; the longer the plug stays in, the more the anal muscles tend to relax and open up. Using a series of different sizes of plugs can help you work up toward having something larger in your ass, like a dildo or penis.

Dildos come in so many different shapes and sizes that there is practically one for every individual taste, need and desire. There are dildos that look like dicks (with balls and realistic-looking heads), dildos that look like torpedoes, and even dildos that look like dolphins. Dildos that curve up from the base (instead of straight out) are often better suited to anal intercourse because they nicely mirror the curve of the rectum. Dildos are the best tools for the in-and-out variety of fucking.

Vibrating butt plugs and dildos have all the pluses of their non-vibrating counterparts, with the added attraction of a little buzz. Vibrators are also great for anal penetration, and vibration can actually relax the anal sphincters. Just make sure that the vibrator is long enough-like over 7"-for penetration, and, ideally, has a flared base.

Anal beads are latex or plastic beads on a string with a ring on the end. The beads can be the size of marbles all the way up to the size of golf balls. Regardless of their size, make sure the balls are clean, smooth (file the edges if they're not) and well-lubricated, and that the string is at least seven inches long. Many people like to insert the beads in the rectum while having their genitals stimulated. You should insert one bead at a time, giving the rectum a chance to adjust to the sensation; plus, it can be quite intense to feel the anus contract around each bead. Some people like to feed the balls inside and then pull them out just as they are climaxing; others like to climax with the beads in and then remove them. Remember, withdraw the beads slowly and gently, and don't try to pull the entire string of beads out in one motion too quickly or it may be uncomfortable.

The majority of these toys are made of either silicone or latex. Silicone is the best material for toys because it is completely non-porous and therefore very easy to clean and disinfect. It's also very resilient and conducts body heat. Latex rubber is less resilient and more difficult to clean, however does tend to be less expensive than silicone. There are also toys made of lucite, pyrex glass, wood, and leather.

In general, when choosing a toy, keep the following rules in mind: 1) Never put any sharp objects or anything with rough or jagged edges in the rectum. 2) Always use a lubricant with a toy; remember, the rectum is not self-lubricating. I recommend a thick, water based lube like I-D, Slippery Stuff Gel, Lube de Luxe Gel, Probe (Thick) or Maximus. 2) Make sure that your tool is flexible enough to maneuver the curves of the rectum. Very hard, rigid things (like candles, metal or wooden objects) are not a good idea for your ass. 3) Make sure that you clean your toys after each use, with sex toy cleaner, antibacterial soap and hot water, or bleach (diluted one part bleach, ten parts water). 4) Never put anything in a rectum that may get lost or will be difficult to retrieve. Make sure dildos, plugs, and vibrating toys have flared bases. 5) It's really not a good idea to put something of an unrealistic width, length, shape or size in someone else's or your own ass. Use common sense.

Penis: How to get it Big, Bigger, Biggest

2008-11-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

After the initial arousal, the penis will continue to enlarge and lengthen. At this point, if your man is a grow-er, you won't even recognize what you started out with! The penis has also become super-sensitive by this time, so you want to be careful not to over-stimulate him, or else your sexual connection may end sooner than you expected. One way to monitor how close your man is to that explosive point of no return is to check out his balls. The tighter they look, and the closer they are to his body, the more imminent is his orgasm. To delay this, you should love the other parts of his body between direct oral and manual stimulation.

When the explosive orgasmic moment arrives, the man's heart will be thumping madly as his breathing rate rapidly increases and his muscles tense up.

During the climax, the man experiences about 8 little contractions that occur about one second apart (This is very similar to the physiological changes that women experience in orgasm.) The climax and ejaculation can be accompanied with a large array of emotional and physical responses that signify his release. Some men scream or curse, while others cry or laugh. Some men tremble as if the earth is coming apart.

At this time, your role is, of course, to primarily enjoy yourself, but also to enjoy and extend the intimacy. Be encouraging. If he seems to want to cuddle and kiss and you appreciate what just occurred, go for it.

It's worth noting that not all orgasms will be of the mind-blowing, volcanic variety that everybody dreams of. Sometimes, the orgasm is more of a release than a full experience. Men can get off in about three minutes, but it won't be something that gets them too excited to sleep at night. A law of physics applies here: The longer the action, the stronger the reaction. Remember this: that foreplay is critical to extending the action. You should strive to provide an experience that will stay with him for weeks, months, maybe forever.

CONDOM CAVEATS

Condoms are an imperative part of any sexual relationship. They have two vitally important purposes: to avert pregnancy and to block the spread of disease. If you are part of a secure relationship in which both of you have determined condoms are not necessary, you are fortunate. If you have chosen to avoid intercourse and to stick to the alternatives we suggest, more power to you. However, for those who will be contending with condoms, we provide the following information and advice.

In this modern age, condoms are generally expected and accepted. When determining who you need to use one with, use your common sense. Common sense works best when you are sober and unemotional. Because most women find that they are not always sober and/or unemotional, it is recommended that you set some hard-and-fast rules for yourself. So that if you do find yourself going to bed with someone you don't know completely, there is no question of "Must I?" in your mind. Instead, using a condom will be your first nature.

Penises - A Panacea of Pleasure

2008-11-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

It is a mystery how nature came up with so many shapes, sizes and variations of penises. All possibilities were created in nature's penis design book: long and skinny ones, short and fat ones, ones that are thick at the bottom and inverted ones that are thick at the top, as well as a huge array of head shapes.

While all penises have some attractive qualities, those qualities may not be apparent to every person. Therefore, there is a chance that you will come across a penis that you find just disgusting to look at. In this case, keep the lights down and remember your manners.

Just a Trim Around the Edges

The truth about circumcision is this: it does not reduce penis size and it does not change the performance ability of the penis. When the penis is erect, it even looks pretty much the same, circumcised or not. So, while most men in America are circumcised, don't be intimidated if you come across someone that isn't.

It Might Be Worth a Second Glance

Other men, the grow-ers, were created with real-time penises that are small, even tiny- looking, but which grow to relatively amazing lengths at erection time. Of course, it is true that some men are neither show-ers nor significant grow-ers! Being aware of the grow-er/show-er phenomenon can provide you with more insights into that mysterious male psyche. Keep in mind that grow-ers have perhaps had more to 'prove' in life as they have been forced to stand exposed next to other men in many situations (high school gym class, bathrooms etc.) where inevitable comparisons are made. Even if the grow-ers know they can 'measure up' to the show-ers when the time comes, it is still a source of anxiety.

ERECTION EDUCATION

You've been introduced to penis, but what exactly happens to it during sex? The first stage, brought on by excitement, is arousal. You surely know that it doesn't take much to get most men aroused - maybe just a touch, a look, a smell, or even a thought. When becoming aroused, the man's pulse and breathing rate increase, and the penis stiffens. As it stiffens, the entire shaft and head swell up and become larger. During this time, most men report that the head becomes especially sensitive, while others say the section on the underside, just below the head, is the most tender.

Before you even consider pre-judging a man on his penis size, you better know the difference between grow-ers and show-ers. In another mysterious twist, nature created some men with penises that look fairly large all of the time, but which only get a little bigger with an erection. These people are the show-ers.

Sex and Aging

2008-11-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

It is a common belief that as you get older, you lose your sex drive and sexual intimacy is no longer an option. This is a myth and an extremely erroneous one at that. A person’s sex drive may experience some changes as a result of many factors, but it does not necessarily disappear. The factors that affect sex-drive are psychological and physiological in nature. As a rule of thumb, if you have a healthy sex drive when you’re young, you will continue to have a healthy drive well into your senior years; however, if you’re an ice box in your twenties, you can’t expect a dramatic change without a lot of work and motivation.

Sexual Changes with Age

The primary physiological changes that occur in both men and women are due to the change in hormone levels; testosterone levels in men and estrogen levels in women. The gradual decrease in these hormones causes a variety of changes in the physical ability to perform sexually; however, these changes can be overcome with time, patience and communication.

Physiological Changes in Men

For men, these physical changes occur over a period of time. As a man ages, there is a decrease in the amount of circulating testosterone; this stabilizes by about 60 years of age. As a result of this decrease in testosterone levels, it will take a man much longer to achieve a full erectile state. At a young age, a man is able to obtain an erection with visual and mental stimulation; however, as a man ages, he will need more direct manual stimulation in order to achieve the same affect.

There is also a decrease in the length of time a man is able to maintain an erection prior to ejaculation. This is due to a variety of other physical factors that affect blood flow - such as hypertension, diabetes, cardiac arrhythmias, to name a few. There is also a decrease in the force of ejaculation, due to a reduction in the sperm count. The refractory phase of sexual intercourse is also lengthened. It will take a man much longer to have the ability to have another orgasm, usually 12 to 24 hours. This time period increases as a man continues to age.

Another very important fact to remember is the following: If a man discontinues sexual activity in his fifties to sixties, he will have a much greater chance of having impotency problems, versus if he continues sexual activity whereby the chances of impotency are far less.

Physiological Changes in Women

In women, the physiological changes are not as great as for men; however, they can have very negative affects, causing many women to forego sexual activity.

As women age, menopause causes a decrease in estrogen production which lessens the chance of impregnation. This can have psychological effects on some women, which will be discussed further in the next section.

As a result of this decrease in estrogen production, there are some changes that will occur that have the potential for making sexual encounters painful. In general there is atrophy of the vaginal tissue; it loses its elasticity and the tissue begins to thin. There is a decrease in natural lubrication, which will necessitate the use of artificial lubricant. The size of clitoral, vulvar and labial tissue decreases, along with the size of the cervix, uterus and ovaries. However, the sensitivity of the clitoris remains the same as when a woman is younger.

The sexual tension felt prior to an orgasm decreases and the orgasmic contractions are less. These contractions can be painful for some women. The good news: if a woman was multi-orgasmic prior to menopause, she will continue to have the ability to be so.

Psychology Affects Sexual Drive

Many times, what truly affects the sex drive of any individual with age is not the physiological changes, but the psychological issues that arise. There may be a loss of interest due to religious beliefs that state that sexual intimacy is just a means of reproduction. Once a woman loses that ability, she may lose interest in sex as she will not be fulfilling her “religious (reproductive) purpose”.

Some people may experience guilt, especially those who are widowed. They may feel that have sexual encounters with someone other than the person who was their spouse is a form of betrayal. Others will experience guilt because they were brought up feeling that sex was not to be enjoyed. Sociological beliefs indicate that an elderly individual who continues to have a sex drive is “dirty” or un-natural, hence making it difficult for an elderly person to enjoy sex. Often with age, comes the loss of a partner and the inability to find a suitable partner with which a person can enjoy sexual intimacy. Women outnumber men, hence making it difficult for many elderly women to find a suitable partner.

Depression is also a major problem with sexual drive. A depressed person usually has no desire for sexual encounters, and unfortunately many of the medications given to treat depression decrease what little sex drive is left. These are only a few of the many psychological issues that might affect a person’s sex drive when he/she is older.

Conclusion

As you see, there are many factors that might interfere with a person’s drive as age progresses; however, there are many more ways in which an individual can combat these changes and keep a wonderful sex life. The first and foremost important way to fight back is education. It is never too late to learn and the most important thing to do is learn how your body is changing and what you can do about it. Educate yourself on any disease processes you may have and the medications that you are using the treat them. Many medications have side effects that will alter a person’s sex drive.

Another way to keep an enjoyable sex life is to experiment with toys, videos, books and magazines. Toys come in handy, especially now when you need more direct stimulation and time to become fully aroused. There are a variety of vibrators in all different sizes, shapes and colors, all types of add-ons, toys that performs different actions, edible lubricants, and massage oils. There are many different techniques that can be used; from massage and oral stimulation to karma sutra (for those who remain flexible enough and adventurous enough to try).

The psychological problems can be treated by a therapist, or simply with good communication with your partner. If a person is single and is unable to find a suitable partner, there are plenty of ways in which to pleasure one-self. The main point to remember is not to be afraid, take your time and communicate. With the right attitude and approach, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to enjoy an active sexual life well into your senior years!

Q & A: I love to masturbate. Is there a point when its too much?

2007-12-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

Q. I love to masturbate. I am a 23 yr old male and I masturbate sometimes 3 times a day. I am worried that this is too much or that I might ruin myself for a lady. Is there a point when its too much?

sign me.......
Not till I go blind

Dear Not Blind:

There is no rule to say how much is too much when it comes to masturbation. There are however, some questions you might ask yourself. Do you spend time masturbating while the world is passing you by? Do you masturbate so often that it is effecting your work or school performance?

Are you not looking for a partner, or seeking out your partner because you are always masturbating during your free time? In other words, if you spend so much time masturbating that you are no longer functioning well in society or if you always choose to masturbate rather than be with your partner, you have passed the point of "normal." If you have tried to slow the activity and find that you are unable to do so, you should seek out a therapist.

On the other hand, If all is well in your life... masturbation is a wonderful healthy release that will stem sexual frustration when a partner is not available to you.

Q & A: I want to try anal sex with my wife

2007-12-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

Q. I want to try anal sex with my wife and she turns it down persistently. Is there any way to possibly persuade her to try it. All I am asking is for her to try it, nothing more. She hates her butt, and this might have something to do with all of this, but we often have sex with her face down on bottom with her butt in plain view. She also lets me kiss all over it (now) and she even performs some anal routines on me (without provocation) and ENJOYS it! This somehow doesn't seem fair. Also, some tips and/or suggestions would also benefit.

Regards,
No Butts

Dear No Butts:

There are many taboos about anal sex and some are hard to overcome. The anal canal is teeming with nerve endings that afford wonderful sensations to those that indulge, but not everyone is willing to try it.

I'm surprised your wife will engage in anal activity with you while not permitting you to try it with her. Could it be she is afraid of the size of your penis compared to a finger? Or could there be a medical reason for her shyness such as hemorrhoids? You will need to talk to her about this in a relaxed comfortable environment... not while engaging in a sexual activity.

If it is fear of size or pain, you might start out with a small rubber dildo and see if she finds she enjoys the stimulation. Remember to use a good water based lubricant such as Astroglide or Slippery Stuff. Vasoline does not wash off easily so it is not recommended for anal sex. You should allow your wife to gently push against whatever object you decide to use, while you apply steady pressure. This way she controls the speed and degree of penetration. Also some people are extremely concerned with the cleanliness aspect of anal sex... she may want to have advanced notice of your intent before engaging. Enemas are not an uncommon preparation.

If you find that you are unable to discuss the subject easily, there are many books that touch on the subject and a few of my educational videos do also. You might consider watching one of those together which will afford you the opportunity to discuss different activities that are turn-ons for both of you.

Q & A: Premature ejaculation - how to extend ones lovemaking

2007-12-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

Q. I'm wondering if there are any books explaining how to extend ones lovemaking. Or more to the point, how to control ejaculation so that it doesn't occur quite as quickly.

I don't think my condition qualifies as "premature," but I certainly am quicker to come than my girlfriend would like.

Thanks for your help.

There are many degrees of premature ejaculation the most severe being, where the man ejaculates at the thought that he is going to have sex with a woman. It can also be defined as any time the man cannot keep himself from orgasming before HE wants to. That is to say if his partner requires 20 minutes of intercourse before she reaches orgasm and he climaxes after 15 minutes, he is ejaculating prematurely because he cannot delay his climax as long as he would like.

There are a couple of quick fixes you can try but I feel as though they take away some of the pleasure. Wearing condoms will sometimes make men last longer as some of the sensation is dulled. The same is true of the delay creams and sprays, while they do seem to work for most men, they also dull the sensations.

Learning the techniques for control is the best way by far. The techniques are simple but it does take some time and practice to achieve satisfying results. It is usually recommended that you refrain from intercourse while you are learning the techniques although you need not refrain from orgasm.

The first step is to be able to recognize the feeling that you get just before you orgasm. It is the moment just BEFORE the point of no return. For this exercise you must masturbate slowly with or without a partner, paying close attention to the sensations you are feeling. It is helpful if you do not use any lubrication at this time. Your goal is to slow down before you reach the edge where there is no stopping your orgasm.

For some men it will be enough to just slow the activity, others may need to stop completely, while still others will need to stop and squeeze the base of the penis till the urge to climax has passed.

There is a muscle, the pubococcygeus or PC, that when strengthened will help delay orgasm also. The PC muscle can be found on a man by placing a finger behind the testicles while pretending you are stopping the flow of urine. Once you know where the muscle is, and how it works, you can practice tightening it in sets of ten. The exercise is the same for both men and women, but in women it allows for the muscle to tighten around her partner's penis.

Q & A: Way to prevent pubic area shave side effects?

2007-12-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Q. A while ago I decided to shave my wife's pubic area. It was a real turn-on for both of us until the next day or two when my wife was not so happy. She seemed to have a rash then the itching started. We both loved the sensation when she was newly shaved. Is there some way to prevent the side effects?

Dan

Dear Dan,

Shaving is used in many different sexual situations. It is important in practicing infantilism, body painting or transvestism, but is also used by tops to bring about submission and humiliation. The contrast of sensation before and after shaving is substantial and many people consider the added sexual pleasure of being shaved to be worth the effort. Unfortunately there is no foolproof way to avoid the symptoms you mention, but there are some actions you can try to alleviate them.

When you shave be sure to shave in the same direction as the hair growth. Try using lotion and baby powder to curb itching or Hibiclens, Neoporin or an apricot facial scrub. Cotton underwear will reduced the sticking problems.

Be aware that shaving causes small cuts in the skin and for this reason is considered a blood sport and an unsafe sex practice. Safety razors and sterile techniques should be used. Do not share razors. Do not use a straight razor unless you are a trained professional.

Q & A: Why some areas are erogenous and others are not?

2007-12-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

Q. Can you explain why some areas are erogenous and others are not? I know not everyone has the same spots but what makes them erogenous in the first place?

Casey

Dear Casey,

Touching a person creates a sensation from pressure placed on the skin. It is the only one of our senses that we can experience simultaneously with another person.

Beneath the skin's surface are nerve endings which respond to specific types of touch. Some nerve endings or receptors detect pain, others light touch, or cold and still others deep pressure, which seems to override all other sensations. Where these receptors are more dense, stimulation is more pleasurable.

As a survival mechanism our bodies register pleasure when we engage in certain activities (i.e. eating, nursing, sexual intercourse, and defecation). Our brain assumes we are eating when pressure is applied to the lips or tongue, that we are nursing when nipple stimulation occurs and so forth. By this natural process, we are able to become aroused by touching areas of the body other than genitals.

There is a simple test you can try with a hairpin and a ruler to find your most erogenous areas. The tips of the hairpin are spread from two millimeters to seven centimeters in distance and run along the surface of the skin. The object is to determine at which point one can feel the sensation of two pin tips instead of one. The closer the two points can be recognized, the more sensitive the area is to touch. The following is an example of the variances:

tip of tongue 1-2mm
clitoris 3-4mm
glands of penis 5-9mm
erect 9-15mm
post orgasm 3-4mm
anus 4-5mm
nipples 8-10mm
lips 4-5mm
neck 50-60mm

Q & A: During her menstrual flow, she is not interested in doing anything sexual

2007-12-10T08:43:00.000-08:00

Q. I have a satisfying sex life with my partner. But, during her menstrual flow, she is not interested in doing anything sexual at all. I certainly share her disinterest in intercourse during that period of time! But is it normal and usual for women to be adverse to any form of sex at that point, or is it just a peculiarity of hers?

Curious Man

Dear Curious,

Often women who are very focused on obtaining orgasm, do not have an inclination for sexual activity when intercourse is not possible. If both you and your wife are not interested in intercourse during menstruation, she may feel as though she doesn't want to get "turned-on" only to be left unfulfilled. It is important to relationships to learn to enjoy touching, kissing and other sensual activities with your partner without the need for either person to reach orgasm or without the pressure of feeling as though you must help your partner obtain orgasm each time. Talk with your wife about touching strictly for the pleasure of the shared intimacy.

Q & A: Retarded ejaculation

2007-12-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Q. I know everyone thinks it's great if a man can last a long time, but I last too long. My girlfriend becomes sore and both of us are upset before I finally have an orgasm. I don't want to be too quick but this is ridiculous.

Too Slow

Dear Too Slow,

The problem you are describing is called retarded ejaculation. Although premature ejaculation is more common, you are not the only man to suffer with retarded ejaculation.

This condition is caused either by some medical problem or a psychological problem. Your first step should be to consult a urologist. If medical problems are ruled out, a therapist should be able to help you. Often one of the factors in psychological retarded ejaculation is a relationship problem. The male is subconsciously 'holding back', most commonly from fear of involvement. Solving the relationship problem is the key to a cure.

Q & A: I am no longer able to become erect without direct stimulation

2007-12-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

Q. I am a male in my late forties and am in a relationship with a woman of 30. I think our sex life is great but I am no longer able to become erect without direct stimulation, such as touching my penis by myself or my partner. I think this is normal for a man my age, but my girlfriend says this is adversely affecting our sex life as she is taking this as a personal insult.

HELP! sign me Aging Al

Dear Al,

My compliments to you for being aware of this normal aging process! Between the ages of 40-60yrs men start to lose their ability to have psychogenic erections. The age varies with each man as does the stimuli that produces psychogenic erections. A whiff of their partner's cologne or a picture of a pretty girl was probably enough to trigger an erection in younger days.. but not any longer.

The solution is a simple one... your partner must now include foreplay for you, the same way you have used it to benefit her. Since this process does not have a medical name, your partner may not be aware of it's normal progression. She may even be feeling as though you are no longer attracted to her. Take time to explain what is happening to your body... and together you can explore the wonders of foreplay... foreplay is often as good or better than the main event!

Q & A: She says she's having orgasms but I'm not so sure

2007-12-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

Q. My current partner finds it difficult to talk to me about what she is feeling or wanting when we have sex. She says she's having orgasms but I'm not so sure. Its difficult as a male to know exactly what she needs since she wont or can't tell me. Are there any hard and fast rules?

David

Dear David,

There are no easy answers when looking at human sexual response. It is different from one woman to the next and some women react differently from one orgasm to another. There are no hard and fast rules, but there are some guidelines you can follow if you are familiar with the female stages of arousal.

It's easy when foreplay starts, to know if your partner is interested. She responds with easy to read body language such as returning kisses, touching your body, or her nipples will harden from your touch. As arousal progresses, she may moan, move her hips and her breathing will become more rapid. Her clitoris will swell and harden and she will start producing lubrication.

As she becomes more excited, she will reach a plateau. This stage is often confusing to men and some women who are not familiar with it. The clitoris will retreat back under it's hood and a noticeable calming will occur. It appears that the female has either lost interest or has had an orgasm to someone not familiar with the plateau stage. What is really needed is continued stimulation. If stimulation continues this stage passes rapidly and brings her very close to orgasm.

At this point it can become even more confusing to men. Males need stimulation up to the point of orgasm and after a certain point, they are going to orgasm no matter what happens next. This is not true for women. Women need stimulation up to the point of orgasm AND through it. Any deviation in stimulation will produce some change in orgasm. This means, if you stop stimulation abruptly, her orgasm will stop, slowing stimulation will slow her climax.

It is also important to know that just before orgasm, many women become quiet, and stop movement as they concentrate on their approaching climax. Don't allow this final stage to confuse you, just continue whatever it is you are doing.

It might be helpful for you to ask your partner to masturbate for you so you can see what she likes. Or ask her what certain movements mean..."when you arch your back like that, is it because what I'm doing feels good or are you coming?" If she is uncomfortable with direct questions.. give her choices. "Does it feel better this way or do you prefer this?" Keep trying to open a dialogue. The more you know about your partner, the better the sex will be.

Q & A: Some hints to make it better first time

2007-12-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

Q. I am a 22 year old female virgin. I am soon to be married and although I know my fiance wants my first sexual experience to be wonderful, I am scared.

He has very high expectations for it and I don't want to let him down.. or myself for that matter. Can you give us some hints to make it better for both of us.

Sally

Dear Sally,

Let me first take the pressure off of you. Most women do not have an orgasm the first time they have sex. You need to know that if this happens to you, you are not a failure. Good sex comes with time and patience. It is a process of learning each others likes and dislikes and also learning to relax.

There are ways of making your first time special, even if you do not orgasm. Sexual play with someone you love is not just about orgasms. It is a form of communication with your partner... the most intimate communication possible.

Im sure the image of your honeymoon night has entailed all kinds of fantasies. Be forwarned, if you are having a big wedding and plan on leaving the reception after dancing and drinking all evening, to go to a hotel for great sex, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You waited this long, wait till morning, when you are not so tired and can take your time.

Im not telling you not to kiss or hug or touch.. just not to feel you have to have intercourse because you are married.

Whenever you decide to have intercourse the first time, know that it will be remembered for its surroundings and ambiance.. not for the great sex! If morning appeals to you, have some champagne and orange juice in bed together.. maybe shower together and take time to learn how each others bodies respond to touch.

If evening is more your style... light candles around the room, play soft music and dance together naked, holding each other close. The more sensual you make your surroundings the more sensual you will feel, and feeling sensual is what good sex is all about.

Q & A: I used to be able to get an erection just by thinking about sex

2007-12-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

Q. I am confused. I used to be able to get an erection just by thinking about sex, but now I cant. I am a 50 year old male with a gorgeous wife of 5 years. I still want and desire her but it seems my penis has other thoughts... Whats going on?

Carl

Dear Carl,

The erections you referred to are called psychogenic erections. From the start of puberty to middle age, males acquire psychogenic erections from looking at pictures, reading erotic materials or just thinking about sexual turn ons.

As a man grows older these erections become less firm and happen less often. Eventually they stop all together. Be assured this is not the end of your sex life!

You will need to make some minor adjustments and so will your partner. If your wife used your erection as a sign of your desire to be with her sexually, you will need to express your sexual desire physically or verbally.

Or if you are not uncomfortable touching yourself in front of her, you can masturbate until you are erect.

Some women are uncomfortable touching their partner if he does not have an erection. Dont be afraid to guide her hand to your flaccid penis to "show" her what you want and need. Fellatio seems to work extremely well in producing good solid erections also, but if your wife has never enjoyed performing orally on you, I doubt she will suddenly start now.

You might suggest she try licking and kissing the shaft and head of your penis without actually taking it into her mouth. Most women who shy away from fellatio are afraid of choking or gagging if you ejaculate in their mouths. This might be a less troubling solution for her.

Most importantly, discuss the changes you are experiencing. Let your wife know you desire her as much as you ever did and show her in your daily life.

Q & A: She needs more touching

2007-12-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

Q. My wife of 15 years has been complaining to me that she needs more touching. I try to manually stimulate her, but this usually brings about a rapid advance to our quest for orgasm. Even though I know she has orgasms, she still refers to this 'need for touching.' Can you help me... I guess I'm lost.

Derek

Dear Derek,

Much research (using baby monkeys) has been done on solitary confinement. When left totally alone, the monkeys appear to go 'totally crazy' but the addition of a cloth doll to cuddle and hold, eases them back to reality.

The need to touch and be touched is very strong in humans also.

Touching should not be confined to the genitals. Attention should be given to every part of your partner's body. Touching, rubbing, stroking, licking, nibbling all produce lovely tactile sensations. Massage is another wonderful way to enjoy the benefits of touching. Try lying on top of each other naked and enjoying the sensations from moving your bodies slightly.

Full body contact can lead to interesting finds of new pleasure areas. You needn't limit your touching to the use of your hands. Even playing footsie under the dinner table will let your partner know you are thinking of her.

Kissing is another form of touching that should not be overlooked. It can be done anywhere and at anytime depending on the intensity of the kiss.

Many people have a pleasure zone centered around oral activities. The sensations evoked from kissing can be so intense that many people kiss each other for hours. Most often kissing is a more gentle activity but when passions are high and the mood is intense, nibbling or light biting is sometimes included. Rough kissing is usually a turn-off and should be avoided. French kissing or deep mouth kissing is enjoyed by most, but if your partner finds it offensive, don't force your tongue into her mouth.

Of course we all know it is important to touch before and during sex play, but it is also important to touch at other times throughout our day. A welcome hug and kiss can be the beginning of an evening of foreplay leading to great sex, but it should be understood that touching does not necessarily lead to sex. Touching is a sign of affection and should be practiced daily to show your partner that you care for her.

Q & A: After sex I want to cuddle and talk

2007-12-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. We have a satisfying sex life except for one area. After sex I want to cuddle and talk a while and my husband more often than not rolls over and goes to sleep. It leaves me feeling lonely after being so intimate moments earlier. Is something wrong with me? What can I do?

Carol

Dear Carol,

Masters and Johnson's research taught us that women not only need more time to become aroused and reach orgasm, but also they need more time to come down from that wonderful plateau of peak excitement. So while you are still feeling the need to touch and be touched, your husband is completely satisfied and ready to go to sleep. To be forced to come down on your own each time you engage in sexual activity does leave women feeling 'lonely'.

Talk to your husband when you are not in bed. Explain your needs for touching and talking for a few minutes after sex. This does not mean you should take this quiet time as an opportunity to discuss children, bills or the new outfit you saw while shopping. This is the time to tell each other how wonderful you make each other feel and how much in love you are.

Think of afterplay as foreplay for your next love making session. If your partner remembers you complaining about the utility bill... his choice next time will most likely be sleep. Whisper sweet loving words or share a romantic thought and he will be coming back for more.

I dont mean to sound as though I am placing all the blame on men when it comes to lack of afterplay. Many men also complain about not getting enough intimacy after sex. Afterplay is an often neglected area of sexual activity and if both partners do not make a conscious effort to remedy the situation it continues, leaving a trail of unsatisfaction. Talk to your partner... it only takes a few minutes!

Q & A: Overcoming the gag reflex during oral sex?

2007-12-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

Q. Have you published an article for women who really want to be able to perform oral sex on their partner but have trouble overcoming the gag reflex?

My wife of 13 years tried before we got married and never had success overcoming mental and physical obstacles that turn her away from completing this act. We do now experiment and talk about different ideas. We are able to talk about our desires and expectations and she has indicated that she is leaning toward improving her ability to do this for me. She even doesn't mind warming me up by doing a little sucking to start. She truly wants to finish the job, but it is like eating oysters for some people and guacamole for others. A mental barrier is pretty tough to overcome.

So, what advice can you give another woman about overcoming this inhibition? and...

What advice can you give another woman about "How to give a perfect Blow-Job"?

Jacob

Dear Jacob's Wife,

The best oral sex, whether it be cunnilingus or fellatio, is given by a person who is turned on by what he/she is doing and wants to bring pleasure to their partner. Like anything else, practice makes one proficient. It is important to tell your partner what feels good and what doesn't.

If you have a very sensitive gag reflex there are a few different ways to help overcome this problem. Pleasure Balm is a product in the Kama Sutra line of massage products that is icy hot, spearmint in taste and has a slight numbing effect.

It is said that Pleasure Balm helps control the gag reflex.

Always stay in control of the action. This means you should always be in a superior position where he cannot control the depth or speed of the penetration. Use one or both hands wrapped at the base of the penis to aid in avoiding deep penetration when your husband starts thrusting as he becomes more aroused.

The time to practice relaxing and opening your throat (if you choose to do so) is shortly after you start fellatio, when your husband is not extremely aroused. Ask him not to thrust at all and concentrate on relaxing your throat as you slowly move down the shaft and take more of his penis into your mouth.

A good 'blow job' is more than just using your mouth for sucking. Your tongue and lips should be used for licking and kissing the scrotum, the shaft, the corona and the glans. In a short time you will learn which areas bring your husband the most stimulation and pleasure.

Remember it is not necessary to deep throat your partner in order for him to be satisfied. You should find techniques that please both of you. It is sometimes helpful to shower together before oral sex if natural body odors are offensive to you. Flavored lubricants can also be helpful.

If the idea of having your partner ejaculate in your mouth is not appealing, know that this too is not a requirement for great fellatio. You can use your hands to bring him to orgasm. Many men find it very stimulating to watch their ejaculate explode onto their wife's body.

Q & A: My husband has been talking about role playing

2007-12-09T21:15:00.000-08:00

Q. My husband has been talking about role playing in our bedroom. I am uncomfortable with the idea but I think mostly because I'm not really sure what it is. Can you explain it to me or give me some examples?

Sally

Dear Sally,

When couples role play they assume new identities, usually in accordance with their fantasies. It is a fun safe way to add new dimentions to sexual activities.

A major benefit of role playing is that when one takes on a role they can leave their inhibitions behind and `become' the person they are portraying. Imagine being the innocent school girl to your husbands role of worldly college professor. As he teaches the school girl how to make love to him, you might learn some turn-ons that you never knew about.

Or why not play prostitute to his role of business man in town for the night? This gives you a chance to wear clothing you would normally never dream of wearing or acting in a way that is totally opposite from the way you usually behave. You can be as aggressive as your fantasy allows you to be.

I hope you will give role playing a try. The possibilities are endless. I have found that once people start to get into their roles, the giggling stops and it makes for very HOT lovemaking session.

Q & A: she cannot have an orgasm when I'm on top

2007-12-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

Q. I have been having sex with my girlfriend for about a year and she cannot have an orgasm when I'm on top. When she is on top their is no problem with her reaching orgasm. I think that perhaps my penis, being only average, is not of adequate size and may be part of the problem. Are there any techniques that you can suggest? How can I get her to have an orgasm when I'm on top? Thanks for your help.

Joe

Dear Joe,

As popular as the missionary position might be, it has some major drawbacks. What most people don't realize is that in the missionary position the penis thrusts in and out of the vagina but usually does not afford enough clitoral stimulation for the woman to reach orgasm. When the male partner is on top, the female's range of motion is very limited, other than to move upwards to meet his thrusts, so she cannot position herself to receive the stimulation she needs. The easiest remedy for couples who enjoy this position is for the woman to add clitoral stimulation by using her fingers or by purchasing The Ladybug vibrator found in my catalogue. It can be worn during intercourse and affords varying degrees of clitoral stimulation.

Research has shown yet another drawback in the male superior position. It seems that the muscles the male must tense to keep his body above his partner's, are the same muscles that trigger orgasm. This limits the male's ability to control orgasm so he won't last as long and will further aggravate the problem of premature ejaculation.

When we look at nature, we find humans are the only animals using the male superior position. Do you think they might know something we don't?? It's something worth considering!

Q & A: I can have orgasms alone but I cant have them with my partner

2007-12-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

Q. I know there are women who are non-orgasmic but that is not my problem. I can have orgasms alone but I cant have them with my partner. Whats wrong with me? Is there anything I can do?

Shelly

Dear Shelly,

This problem's solutions run the gamut from the easiest which would be prolonging foreplay, to the more complex, which would require therapy.

Usually, the answer is somewhere in between.

Most often the answer lies in learning to relax with your partner and teaching him what you already know about your body. Since you know you are orgasmic, you should find comfort in that fact and make mental notes about the things that turn you on the most including fantasies, nipple stimulation, clitoral stimulation etc.

You can make this a very erotic learning experience for your lover. Since most men are very visual, your partner will most likely enjoy watching a demonstration of your masturbation techniques. You may decide you want him to be a totally passive partner or you may, after a while, choose to guide his hand in the movements you enjoy the most.

Don't be disappointed if the first time he tries these new techniques on his own, you do not have an orgasm. With your guidance he will eventually learn what you want and need. Don't be afraid to repeat the training sessions. I'm confident he will be willing to have as many of these highly erotic teachings as necessary.

Q & A: I have been faking orgasms for years

2007-12-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

Q. I'm a 41 year old woman and I have been faking orgasms for years with my husband. It's not that I never have an orgasm, it's just a very rare occurrence. I'm not even sure what brings them on when I have them. I know my husband would be devastated if he ever knew so I don't want to tell him but I do want things to change. I don't know where to start..

HELP!
Nancy

Dear Nancy,

While I will not say ladies should never fake an orgasm, I will tell you it is most often, detrimental to a good sexual relationship. Faking an orgasm can be useful only when you dont want to disappoint your partner if he wants to make love to you and you're not in the mood, such as a special anniversary.

When you reach climax, it not only feels good but also tells your partner he is doing all the right things to pleasure you. By faking an orgasm, you are sending the message that everything is perfect, but youre cheating yourself out of an orgasm, and possibly encouraging your partner to do things that are not enjoyable to you.

The most important ingredient in learning to orgasm is a relaxed atmosphere. This usually means a quiet time in your Welcome.html when you are alone.

Use a mirror to learn and explore your genitals. Become familiar with the different parts and notice the sensations you receive from touching yourself in different ways. (Some women love to have their clitoris stroked with more pressure as they become more aroused while others find the slightest touch painful as they near orgasm.)

Dont expect miracles in one session. You may need to masturbate for a while before you can bring yourself to orgasm each time. Use fantasy or erotic literature to arouse yourself and dont be afraid of trying a vibrator. Many women find the extra stimulation they offer very helpful. (There are other letters in the Ask Eve Archives on female masturbation if you need more ideas)

Once you know what feels good and arouses you, gently introduce this information to your husband. Your actions and state of arousal will spur him on and make him a receptive "student."

Cleanliness is next to "O My God!"

2007-11-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Maybe as a teenager, you liked the smell and taste of sweat on a male because it was proof to you that you were with the star track runner or stud football player. However, now as an adult, your approach to intimacy has probably matured. In your drive to give and get pleasure, your nose and mouth will be on more places on the man's body and for longer periods of time than they used to. Therefore, you have every desire for your man, or the man of the moment, to be clean and free of sweat, bar-smell etc.

It is rumored that Cher, on spotting a scrumptious looking male, ordered: "Have him washed and brought to my tent." Unless you are incredibly rich or famous, chances are that you won't have the same ordering power.

But, with a little suaveness, you can achieve the same results. You can make the shower irresistible to him by seductively saying "Looking at you makes me hot - I'm going to cool down in the shower" and then dropping select pieces of your clothes. He won't be able to resist!

Lotion Potions

Do not overuse lotions and oils. While they are helpful in many situations, keep in mind some of their weakness: that they do not prevent surface hair from being painfully pulled (see above) and that they can be incredibly greasy and messy! Don't be part of the couple that gets all oiled up and passionately bounces around the house, only to discover in the sunlight that their hand, back and butt outlines are greasily imprinted on the silk couch and Laura Ashley wallpaper!

MAN MYSTERIES UNVEILED PENIS POINTERS

The biggest man mystery is that which is inside of his pants, the penis. Most women don't understand the penis because they don't have one and because men will never tell a woman all of its secrets. Without all of the information, a woman can't make the most well informed decisions and act with the utmost confidence. Therefore, you need to find out all that you can. Here, in this book, is everything that you should know and would ever need to know about penises - where they come from, what they like and dislike and what they hope for and dream of.

Sizing Things Up

It's common knowledge that men are extremely conscious about the size of their penises. There have probably been 'Long Dong' jokes around since the beginning of time. If you want your relationship with a man to withstand the duration, it is important that you respect this part of the male psyche.

Studies show that while most men overestimate the size of their penis, they usually have tried to measure exactly how long it is, to the millimeter. Therefore, when the topic comes up, you must be encouraging! Any attempt at humor, especially sarcasm such as "If that's seven inches, then the ceilings must be twenty feet high," will be disastrous.

You also need to maintain perspective (for the both of you) - that size is not the end-all and be-all. Penises come in all shapes and sizes, and each one has something special to offer.

Bring the Ring - all about cock ring pleasure

2007-11-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

The cock ring is a little-known toy. However, its purpose is grand, as it is designed to keep the penis hard for an extended period of time. The rings are available in different varieties of leather, rubber and steel. Many men who have used them, swear by them, but warn that cock rings are best kept for special occasions. Because of the delicate purpose of this toy, it is best presented to the special man that you are in a long-term or very comfortable relationship with.

Naughty Novelties
One look at a 'discreet' catalogue will convince you that there are seemingly never-ending variety of sex toys, from strap-on dildos, to whips and chains, to colored, flavored shaving cream. As you peruse these toy choices, you will probably find that some make you laugh and others make you cringe in disgust. But you may find a select few toys that make you raise your eyebrows in interest, and those are the ones you should consider for yourself.

Tantalize with Television
Perhaps the most accessible sex toy with the least stigma attached to it, is the adult video. These are available at just about every video store in the US, so there is no need to travel into seedy parts of town or make special orders online. If you are still embarrassed, casually mention to the video clerk that you are having a bachlorette party, and all will be understood.

The two best things about videos are these: that men love to watch so they are an almost guaranteed turn-on, and that there is a large selection of titles exploring every type of sexual fantasy.

There is much more out there than the infamous "Debbie Does Dallas." It's suggested that you preview the videos in the privacy of your home, so that you can explore and then choose what really turns you on.

The man will be so amazed that you did this, that whatever you choose to share with him will get him excited too. Just be careful that your videos aren't sending unintentional messages. For example, if you show him a video with two ladies making out, or a trio of three men and a lady, he may think you are trying to tell him that is what you want. So, figure out what you like first, then take the lead!

If you plan on using videos, seriously consider adding a TV/VCR combo (with remote, of course) to your bedside basics equipage. If you are nervous about how to introduce the video, set your mind at ease because there are many 'natural' possibilities! If you are trying to casually start things with a guy you have known for a long time, invite him over for some drinks and a video. Then arrange your videos in ascending order of sexiness. When he arrives and asks what videos you have, rattle off the list and watch his surprise (And see which video he chooses!) If you are dealing with a long-term boyfriend or husband, simply slip the video in the VCR and invite him to watch a movie with you in bed. If you are after seducing a new man, invite him into your apartment and hand him the remote (or better yet, have the movie playing when he walks in.)

Scoping the Scene

Don't underestimate the importance of the 'scope'. Scoping keeps you attuned to what and who is around you, alerts you to future possibilities, and signals to others that you are available and interested. Your objective when scoping is simple - to locate the perfect man- prospect. Scoping is the ongoing process that starts with a general appraisal of your surroundings when you enter a new place. It continues after a pause when you have determined where the most action and fun is. You then move in the direction of the people you want to be near.

Once you are in a prime position in the room (where you can see and be seen,) you can continue to scope for interesting people and prospects. The entire process is subtle, as your glances are very short and not obvious. Scoping should not make anyone feel uncomfortable or 'hunted'. Scoping can, and should, occur anywhere and everywhere - at grocery stores, church meetings, rock concerts, bars, on the street, and everywhere in between.

Ready, Scope, Aim ... Fire!

If you have successfully completed your scoping objective and have located an attractive man that you want to get to know better, it is time to move into phase two. In phase two, your objective is to make initial contact with your handsome man prospect. To do this, catch his eye, look directly at him for a few seconds, smile slightly, and then look away. Repeat this process the next time you glance in his direction and find him looking at you. This back-and-forth fleeting eye contact can potentially continue for embarrassingly long periods of time.

If he doesn't make the first move, or if you like to, facilitate the action. Consider finding a reason to walk by him or to stand close to him (such as going to the bar to get a drink.)

If he is an especially hot prospect, consider buying him a drink (this can be alcohol, coffee, or whatever is appropriate.) To do this, you can enlist the help of a waiter or waitress (but be sure the drink gets to the right person!) Or, you can boldly present the drink to him yourself with a casual introduction such as "Here, I thought you might like this." If you choose to deliver the drink in person, be prepared for him to be caught off- guard, and perhaps even stunned.

Therefore, it is especially important for you to have some conversation topics ready and some opening/leading lines on the tip of your tongue. (See next section for line suggestions.)

Leading Lines

Now that you have completed phase two and are in direct contact with your man prospect, it is important to stay alert and to investigate. He is actually there in front of you! So, while you are engaging him in some small talk, examine how you are feeling. Get past your nervous, racing heart and determine your attraction for this man. Do you want to pursue this prospect any further?

Perhaps your answer is no, in which case, find a polite way to back away and return to scoping. Maybe you are unsure, and decide to take it slowly. However, if you determine, "Heck yes! I want this man in my bed tonight!" then let him know it. Remember that you are determining your destiny, and can be in control of this situation. All it will take is a semi-subtle cue for the man to understand what you want - but why not make your cue/ line memorable and clever? Consider specializing your 'leading line' to fit what you already know about your prospect.

While the variations are endless, here are a few samples:

To the surfer dude who believes in the never-ending summer: "Can I see your tan line?"

To the investment banker: " You are really cut-up! How often do you work out? Can I touch your muscle?" (This also works for the Harley Davidson types!)

To the photographer: "Do you want to see all of me in the best light?"

To the still wanna-be hippie professor: "You really have a peace sign tattooed on your backside?"

To the intellectual: "Let's head back to my place, have some coffee and discuss (your favorite classic book.)"

To the hip hopster, or hip hopster wanna-be: "You want to go back to ma pad for some jiggly wiggly?"

The point being, that if you are interested, let him know. You shouldn't need a diagram to get the point across. If he is also interested, he'll catch your drift.

Book the Hook - Up

You've scoped, you've made contact with an attractive man, and charmed, or at least amused him, with some clever lines and conversation. So now, complete your mission and book your hook-up.

Your new sexual persona dictates that you make decisions and determine what moves to make. You are willing to take some risks to find out what you want and like. However, this does not mean that you have lost your feminine prerogative to change your mind! If you are right outside your door, or even in your bedroom, and you decide he is not what you want, find a way to politely say goodnight, and then move on without looking back (Although, it is strongly recommended that you do this before you are in the bedroom.)

If you do want to move the action along, subtlety works best. Casual hints like rubbing your finger back and forth over your lips or neckline will get his body heat rising. You should also look for opportunities to slip in a good lead-in line. Men, who may play cool, but are often nervous themselves, will sometimes throw out lines such as "I'm not looking for anything serious, just to have fun." They do this to test the water, and when you respond with a likewise sentiment, they are confident to get the ball rolling!

TIPS TO REMEMBER

Now that you look fantastic, your place is ready for action, and you've located the man of your dreams, don't blow it with a little slip of the tongue or overlooked detail! Shoot for excellence and for providing the ultimate experience. The sexual arena is one place that men always try to show perfection. Keep in mind that you probably wont get kudos from a man for having food in the fridge, but you will get them if you help him have an all- around fabulous experience. So, while some of the following tips may seem obvious or inconsequential to you, they are still worth keeping in mind.

Conversation Catastrophes
Any lady who grew up with a brother knows that even if men look and talk tough, there is one thing that will almost always make them squirm - girl talk. Therefore, save the girl talk for your girl friends. Don't in anyway discuss things like periods, yeast infections, hair removal, mole removal, control-top pantyhose, rashes etc. And that means don't allude to them either! Men aren't completely stupid - they know what Mr. Monthly is!!

Bites that Delight
When the passion rises, kisses sometimes turn into nibbles. Kisses should never turn into bites. If you do nibble, do so gently and only occasionally. If you leave any kind of mark, such as a hickey or teeth marks, you've gone too far. More exciting and effective alternative ways of giving pleasure later ...

A Hairy Subject
Do you want a man to reach across the table, shove his hand in your hair and scruff it all around? As most women say no, so do most men. Men are often surprisingly concerned with their hair, and can be very particular about the way it is styled. Perhaps he has layered his hair with gel and would be embarrassed if you feel it. Or maybe he's carefully combed the hairs to cover his glaring (at least to him) bald spot. Don't risk upsetting him, and save the hair tousling for private.

Also demonstrate thoughtfulness with a man's body hair. If you are licking or massaging any hairy body part, do it gently so as not to painfully pull any of the hairs. In massages, a good rule is to concentrate on the muscle, and not on the surface.

Golden Posts - STDs and Birth Control

2007-11-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

Following are actual posts from popular forum

Guido on Abortion

the whole topic of abortion is (of course) a very contentious area, where religious beliefs, science and personal feelings are all components of a huge "mix" of conflicting ideas and emotions, defying our attempts to be rational and objective.

some people would have you believe that life begins at the moment of conception, others when the egg implants, or, by the arbitrary "legal deadline" for abortion, or, when the fetus in theory can sustain its own life (needing only nourishment), etc., etc.

one remote south american tribe (with no modern methods of birth-control) was discovered to allow the father to practice "birth-control" up to the 1st birthday of the child! after the child's first birthday such an act was considered murder.

which of all these options is right or wrong? at what point does "preventing life" become "taking life"? we probably all have varying opinions on this, but of course opinion isn't fact and definitive facts seem to be hard to come by.

without doubt, any answer we come up with (in a practical situation) is at best an uncomfortable, compromised one, often based on fear and/or material considerations ... all the more reason not to put ourselves in the awful position (of HAVING to decide) in the first place!

bottom line is ... next time we are flippant about birth-control, we should stop and consider the possible consequences, and the decision we might ultimately be forced to make and live with (one way OR the other) for the rest of our lives!

this is definitely an area where prevention is a LOT better than "cure".

Brandye on Being Late

I'll answer both personally and medically. As a teen, the interval between my periods varied from two weeks to six weeks. As I aged, this finally stabilized when I was about 17. Pretty typical.

I have patients who have four periods a year irregularly and I have them who have periods every two weeks. Those two are in treatment. Extreme physical stress (sport training) can cause the period to stop for months - even a year or more.

For teens a very broad range is normal. After one gets all the hormones balanced, individual, typical women may vary three days or so either side of the expected date. Illness, stress or medication can cause this to vary. Women who vary are often put on the pill to regulate the system. This is medication with contraception as a by-product.

For the last several years (in my 30s), every fourth Tuesday, I feel crappy and every fourth Friday, there it is.

Brandye on Condoms

Latex is very abrasive at a microscopic level. A "normal" session is probably not an issue. One of those marathons that universities seem to generate can leave a woman downright sore. The polyethylene are much smoother and cause less wear and tear. This also makes them preferable for anal sex.

Do not ignore female condoms. They are more expensive, look a bit strange in place and require some practice. On the plus side, the male actually slides inside them and often will notice them less than a sheath firmly surrounding him. Also try, with either regular or female condoms, a teaspoonful of spermicidal lubricant inside the condom. It does add a bit of protection but also allows the man to slide a little adding to the feeling.

I use female condoms once in a great while. I find them very satisfactory if he has already brought me off. They do cover the inner labia and reduce friction that pulls the clitoral hood so I lose a bit of sensation with them. The female condom can be in place for digital stimulation but you would have to add it after oral. Insertion will have to be the woman's job unless you train him.

Mrlink on Spermicides

Check out this link to the site info on Vaginal Spermicides and other forms of birth control.

In answer to your questions:

Vaginal spermicides come in three basic forms: creams, foams, and jellies.

Cream and jelly spermicides should never be used by themselves and are really only effective when combined with a conventional barrier method (i.e., condom, diaphragm, etc.). Foam spermicide can be used on its own, and if always used properly is around 95% effective. However, many people have difficulties using foam spermicide correctly every time they have sex. Some users do not completely fill the applicator ... others forget to shake the can. So, for a typical user, the effectiveness of foam spermicide is around 80% or less.

Spermicidal creams and jellies should be applied to the inside of a woman's cervical cap or diaphragm.

Always consult a physician before choosing any birth control method.

Drawbacks:

Vaginal spermicides tend to be very inconvenient. They must be applied no more than 20 minutes prior to intercourse. This requires a woman to always have to carry the spermicide and applicator with her whenever there is a possibility of vaginal intercourse.

Another limitation of spermicides is that they have a chemical taste and can be a nuisance during oral sex.

Some couples have found that spermicides provide too much lubrication, making intercourse less pleasurable.

If an allergic reaction is experienced (a rash or itchiness is a sign of this), then the use of that spermicide should be discontinued.

Most drugstores should carry these items - try a larger drugstore or ask the pharmacist.

Brandye on the Menstrual Cycle

The menstrual cycle is paced by two female hormones that are released into the bloodstream in varying combinations over the course of the month. At one mix, they start your period; at another mix they release an egg. The rest of the time they are moving back between those two events.

Let's follow a 28 day cycle - mine, perhaps. The first day of your flow is Day 1. At that time there is relatively more progestin and less estrogen. An egg has not attached to the wall of the uterus, so it sloughs off. That flow is the nutrients ready to help an embryo form if a fertilized egg arrives. If not, it is disposed of. For the first several days of the cycle, the flow continues. During this time there is a relatively low chance of pregnancy. As the flow ends, the two homones are reversing their mix gradually and after a fortnight, the estrogen peaks and the progestin bottoms out. That is the signal for the egg to leave the ovary and start its trip down the fallopian tubes. This is the time of greatest likelihood of becoming pregnant. It takes the egg a couple days to make it to the uterus. In the absence of sperm to fertilize it, the egg dies and passes on through. At the same time the two hormones begin reversing themselves, again, until at the end of the second fortnight, the flow begins again.

So the most likely time to become pregnant is half way between the two "first days" and the least likely is during the flow. The fertile period for the woman is about two days or a bit more; sperm may live up to two days in the uterus and fallopian tubes. So, at a minimum, you should abstain for about a week or one-quarter of your cycle.

The "rhythm method" is based upon the calendar, counting days. If 100 women use this as their only "protection," 40 + will become pregnant in a year. See the birth control section under natural methods. The basal temperature method involves taking your temperature every day and refining the calendar method by the body's temperature. It is a bit more effective but 20 of those women will still become pregnant. The most sophisticated of the natural techniques requires training, preferably including your partner, identifying the mucous plug that forms in the cervical os. It is rather involved and still not as reliable as most hormonal methods (pill, patch, implant) and not much better than barriers and spermicides, alone.

The natural methods are appropriate for stable relationships where pregnancy will be, perhaps, inconvenient but not a major upset. In the stable relationships, postponing sex for a week is no big deal. In most youthful romances, this is not likely.

Inspite of the above, women have become pregnant on every single day of a cycle, including during their periods. That is why I say the most likely time to become pregnant is when there is a bare penis in the vagina. In women whose period is erratic, so is ovulation. It is simply not adequately predictable for most young women to take a chance with unprotected sex.

Look at your calendar. Identify your last two "first days." Those are your least fertile days. Half way between them is your most fertile time.

Brandye on the Morning-after Pill

There are two approaches labelled as "morning after pill." One is Mifeprex or RU-486 and the other is a combination of regular birth control pills packaged in doses for this purpose. Only some brands are approved for this use. In all cases, the sooner the better. Mifestrone is used up to the time the first period is due; the birth control pills within 48 hours of intercourse. As directed, each is about 75% effective. That is three of four pregnancies are aborted.

I always have prepared packets of regular pills available for patients. I have never presecribed Mifeprex. In either case, the woman will be nauseous and ill feeling for a day or two. Worse with the Mifeprex.

Any woman who tries either of these should be prepared to follow up with a mechanical abortion if the pill does not work. They are intended to kill the fetus and, when not successful, will likely cause damage and deformity.

There are also "natural" or herbal abortifaceants. DON'T!! Yes, they have been used successfully for thousands of years. They have also been killing women and deforming babies for that period of time. They are, by definition, poisons. If they do not create spontaneous abortion, they WILL cause deformity of the fetus. If you try and fail with an herbal approach, you must have a mechanical abortion.

Some women who have both had an abortion and, on another occasion, used the pill approach say they would rather have the abortion.

Believe me, folks, you want to prevent the pregnancy; not terminate it. Once you have missed your period, the choices are limited and all undesireable.

Brandye on Effectiveness of Contraception

I have been reading the questions here for several months and have read the birth control information at "home" here at Sexinfo. Some questions repeat themselves and some data are wrong. For instance, the home page reference shows that withdrawal is more effective than a diaphragm and nearly as effective as condoms! Not so.

First: How is the effectiveness of birth control determined? This is done per 100 sexually active (once or more per week) using whatever form of protection for a year. As an example, if 100 women are active for a year with no protection whatever, 85+ of them will become pregnant.

Now for the various techniques. The little pamphlets and stuff that manufactureres distribute often show "theoretical effectiveness" but there is a great difference between theory and practice. The figures here are a compendium of various litereature and websites giving the best available real life experience.

Abstinence is the only 100% effective technique. I guess mutual masturbation would be right there, also, but as pleasant as this can be, it often leads to the next step. Be ready.

The hormonal approaches are the most effective - The Pill, The Shot, Implants. These have a theoretical effectiveness of 99% but in real life tests come in between 93 and 99 percent. That means that of every 100 women on the pill, about five will become pregnant in any given year. The reasons? pills are missed - this is the greatest problem and with today's low dosage, one pill missed can be critical. Other medication can interfere with hormonal techniques. Many anti-biotics cancel hormone contraception. My girlfriend is a midwife and just delivered twins to a woman on the pill! A consultant (specialist) prescribed an anti-biotic and did not warn her to use other protection. If you are prescribed anything, especially anti-biotics, tell the physician you are on the pill. Many dietary supplements can have a similar effect. Vitamin E should not be taken at the same time as the pill. If you take vitamin E, do it twelve hours apart from the pill. Discuss other dietary supplements before you take them while on any of the hormonal contraceptives.

Even 1 woman in 10,000 who has had her tubes tied will become pregnant! and one in 10,000 men who has a vasectomey will become a father!

Condoms are about 85% effective. That means fifteen of our 100 women will become pregnant using condoms properly. The problems here are beakage and leaking. The leaking I refer to is around the top. If you linger or try another go, semen will work its way out and into your vagina.

The chemical or spermicidal approaches alone are about 80% effective. So, twenty of our women will become pregnant using vaginal cream, foam, film, etc. It may have missed a spot or a particularly healthy sperm might swim too far, too fast without coming into contact with spermicide. If he makes it through the cervical os, he is home free. And if the ejaculate hits square on, many of them in the center of the squirt will be there!

Female barrier techniques are about as effective as the condom. That is the female condom, diaphragm or cervical cap. All three should be used with spermicide. In some studies, sperm have been found in the vagina more frequently with the female condom than with regular condoms. Sperm will be there when the diaphragm or cervical cap are used. You are depending upon the barrier to keep them out of the cervical os so the spermicide can do its job. Both the diaphragm and cervical cap must beft in place for several hours.

The sponge is a variant on these and has about the same effectiveness. It needs no prescription and can be effective for multiple times if left in place.

The flexible menstrual cup (Instead) is used by some women similarly to a cervical cap. It is not recommended for this purpose but is really not much different. A proble with these, as with the cervical cap, is that they can be moved away with penile thrusting.

Withdrawal is difficult to measure because there is no way to control the measurement. In all tests where vaginal fluids have been tested closely after withdrawal, sperm has been present in various numbers. Sometimes very few and sometimes a lot. Best guess is that withdrawal will leave about 50 of our favorite hundred women pregnant.

Anal sex is an alternative. Cetainly it reduces the number of sperm who find their way "in." but most of the ejaculate will drain out and be less than an inch from the vaginal entrance. Oral keeps them well away. No woman ever got pregnant being eaten or giving head. If that is the only sexual activity. Rubbing the penis against the vulva also reduces the number of sperm to get into you. If the shot does not come right at your vaginal entrance.

OK, so what do I recommend? To my young, especially teenaged, patients I recommend that whenever the penis is in view it be covered with a condom and before it gets close to the pubic area, there be spermicid in the vagina. It is also a good idea to place a small gob of vaginal jelly inside the condom. This forms a seal against the little buggers swimming around the end.

I made the mistake (and was lucky) of occasionally going bare during my period. Theoretically, this is not a time of fertility. In young women, however, whose periods are stil a bit variable, so is ovulation variable. The recommendation of condom and spermicide stands.

Semen is great stuff; I love to extract it from male friends. It is ull of sperm and those little devils can mess up your life plans in an instant.

Brandye on The Pill & Shot

There are at least three different issues regarding the PILL posted here. All are important but it appears that there is a bit of misinformation around. The pill is a wonderful contraceptive, but it is not perfect. Here is a more comprehensive treatment.

The PILL is the oral medication that provides hormones to control either ovulation or the receptivity to a fertilized egg growing in the uterus. Other hormonal approaches include shots, implants and, recently, a patch. The birth control pill is by far the most common and for many women the most acceptable.

The theoretical effectiveness of the pill approaches 100% - probably one woman out of a hundred would get pregnant each year using the pill exactly as prescribed. The actual effectiveness is about 95-96% - meaning that four or five sexually active women out of each 100 and using the pill will become pregnant.

Why the difference? The leading cause is carelessness or not understanding. Women have started on the pill and become pregnant the first month! It takes one complete cycle until you are protected. The first month that you are on the pill, keep up whatever effective contraception you have been using.

Missed pills are a problem with the low power pills being used today. With the original high dose pills missing one made little difference because there was still plenty of estrogen in the bloodstream. With todays smaller and safer doses, a missed pill can lower the hormone level to the point that ovulation takes place and pregnancy is possible.

Taking the pill with any other medication, or even dietary supplement, should be discussed with your physician or nurse. There are many different pills with different hormones in varying doses. Each one has different characteristics and may be neutralized by other drugs. Common anti-biotics are commonly used without warning from your doctor and neutralize most hormonal contraception. If you take anti-biotics, you will need additional protection for that month. Vitamin E, in large doses. has a known neutralizing effect. Other dietary supplements can also do you in.

Some women attempt to schedule their periods and take several months of their prescription consecutively. There are some valid reasons for this. Athletic competition; weddings; travel. There is, under test, a pill that both prevents conception and eliminates periods - do not ask your doctor for it, it still requires much testing. If you start messing with your cycle, get advice from whomever prescribes your pills. Some pills are more amenable to this than others. There is greater risk with some than with others. And remember, world records have been set and world champiobships have been won while the woman was having her period. Running, speed-skating, tennis, figure skating, swimming, bicycling. For many women, they are better off letting things flow naturally than trying to schedule periods. Many women conduct very active sex lives during their periods (I can vouch for that!). Long term hygiene devices are available for travellers allowing much longer times between changes than we are accustomed to with pads and tampons. There are alternatives to rescheduling your period and they do not include the possibly heightened risk of pregnancy when stopped.

Some (younger) women are taking the pill primarily for dysmenorrhea (difficult periods). Others primarily for acne and other simply to have regular periods. The pill is the preferred treatment for severe cramping and difficult periods. Not mild distress (we all have that) but really immobilizing problems. Yes, you are protected from pregnancy as well as any woman on the pill. But if you are a bit more relaxed in taking the pill exactly as prescribed, you are at higher risk.

And remember, the pill offers NO protection against sexually transmitted diseases. Comdoms are often a good idea even while on the pill

Brandye on Birth Control Systems

The effectiveness of birth control systems is based on 100 sexually active women using them for one year. How many will be pregnant at the end of that year. If 100 women use nothing and are regularly sexually active, 85 will become pregnant.

So, what does 95% effectiveness mean? It means that 95% of those 85 will not become pregnant. The use of percentages can be very misleading. Add to this the fact that the sellers try to look good by using theoretical rates rather than actual user rates. In all cases, with all systems, they are "more effective" in 30-something women than in teens! There are many reasons for this.

In actual use, if our 100 women have sex a few times a week for a year, using only condoms properly, 15+ will become pregnant. Adding spermicided in thae vagina and/or inside the condom, will reduce this to 3-5 pregnancies among our 100 women.

This is the time to become informed because after you are pregnant, it is too late.

When birth control systems are tested, there are many controls. I am aware of a drug company that calls all using women (during tests) at the same time every night and reminds them to take their pills. In actual use, sometimes we forget or take them at erratic times.

Condoms have been around for so long that clinical trials are not very modern and there is not a company rep there to roll it on. Be advised that "proper use" of a condom includes immediate withdrawal after male ejaculation. I hate that. We often ignore this little bit of proper use and semen leaks around the edges.

Condom breakage seems to run at under 5% but this is figured differently: it is the number of condoms that break divided by the number used. Fortunately, most of us have made it through a breakage but would have been less anxious for a couple weeks had there been a backup. Many prostitutes use two condoms! And are on the pill. The condom is mainly for disease and the pill for contraception. Read the data given here and send me a message through the control panel and I will be happy to explain further.

It is not as simple as a table of effectiveness, whether we are talking condoms or the shot.

Brandye on Responsibility for Contraception

The obvious answer is that in a loving relationship, there is a shared responsibility. So, guys. if she says "not this time" or "use a condom," it is your responsibility to comply. If "not now" is too frequent for your liking, it is time for discussion not forcing things.

Now, some girl talk. It is our female bodies that become pregnant. We have a responsibility to ourselves over any responsibility to any other. We are ultimately responsible for whether or not we become pregnant. I think it is great that vasectomy is so popular. I think it wonderful that men are overwhelmingy in favor of the their pill. Ultimately, I want to control my own reproduction - it is my body. If that means making love with women, so be it. If it is having my tubes tied, same. If it is using spermicide and requiring a condom that I put on him, fine. If I jack him off because we are not prepared, that is it.

I hear too many young, really young, women saying, "he told me it was OK" or "he did not really get in me" or "I thought I could not get pregnant then" or "it was just once" or "he said he had a vasectomy" or "he said he pulled out in time." Well, honey, guess who is pregnant! It is not he! And guess who is responsible: you are. Because you, more than any other, will live with the consequences.

Not many questions are raised here by people in permanent relationships. It is outside the permanent relationship where the greatest risks are. As a teen, at my aunt's advice, I always required that "he" provide the condoms. If he was unwilling to walk in and buy them, he should not be having sex. I always, however, had some with me along with some spermicidal preparation.

As we mature we learn to live with the monthly uncertainty. For sexually active women, pregnancy is always a possibility. Younger sexually active women are not psychologically prepared and the monthly worries affect all areas of their lives and, regrettably, often lead to other self-damaging behavior.

Every time you spread, you have a responsibility to your partner, your family (if still at home), the possibly resulting child and to yourself. Think it through before you say yes. Then prepare yourself.

Brandye on Anal Sex & STD’s

OK, I'll claim some expertise in this. Many urethral and prostate infections are caused by anal sex. There are many ways for bacteria to get into the male urethra but anal sex assures you they will be there.

Do not consider anal sex an alternative to vaginal sex to prevent pregnancy. Most of the ejaculate will leak out (incluing hundreds of millions of sperm) and that will put them very close to her vaginal opening. Sperm can be feisty little devils and pregnancy can occur.

Anyone taking a penis into the anus should be aware of certain things. The anus is designed as a one-way passage - out. The vagina is designed specifically to admit, hold and receive the deposit from a penis. The anus lacks the elasticity and flexibility of the vagina. When a penis enters the anus, tearing and distortion is almost inevitable. This makes one more susceptible to infection - STD or otherwise.

If anal sex is in your reportoire, lots of lubrication and ALWAYS a condom is called for. I am perfectly willing to suck a penis that has been in my vagina but I am not about to suck one that has been in my anus. Nor will I take it in my vagina.

Brandye on Spotting STD’s

EVERY KNOWN STD CAN HAVE A LATENT PERIOD DURING WHICH THERE ARE NO SYMPTOMS BUT THE DISEASE CAN BE SPRED.

Excuse the shouting (all caps). Read it again. Everything from the old fashioned clap to HIV can be present without no symptoms and can be passed on. Genital herpes go through active and latent stages and many think that if no sores are present, it is safe. Not so.

For women, any STD can result in sterility or worse. For men, they can be inactive and d oing damage for a long time.

Herpes is forever; HIV/Aids........

Golden Posts - Anal Sex

2007-11-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

Following are actual posts from popular forum

Brandye on “Sex During Menstruation”

Resistance to sex during menstruation is more aesthetic than physical. There are good and bad reasons that women want sex during their periods.

Often we feel lousy and just do not feel sexy. Cramps do not make one horny! The hormone cycle also makes for less sexual desire than at any other time in the menstrual cycle. Messy is the primary reason women resist.

My first orgasm was during my period (I was 13) and I have had other interesting sexual experience during my period. I then overcame much of the resistance and really enjoy it. Most of my girlfriends over the years have not been bothered at all. A few boyfriends have. As I moved into "older men" I found less resistance.

I still would not want to have a first experience with a man during my period. I have, though.

Skyclad on “Mutual Masturbation”

A lot of it probably has to do with the age/maturity level of the girl. I'm 20 and I *love* having mutual masturbation sessions with my boyfriend, but even two years ago I wouldn't have been comfortable with the thought of it. Perhaps a contributing factor in the difference between the sexes on this issue (I've never met a guy who didn’t want to masturbate for his girl) is what happens during puberty, not to mention societal influences. For guys, things basically just get bigger and hairier. With girls things get bigger and a little hairier too but we also bleed and end up on a wild emotional roller coaster. That'll make ya just a little self-conscious.

It takes a little while for us to mellow out and learn to enjoy ourselves and our partners. Communication goes a long way. If you'd like to see your girl pleasure herself, but she's shy about it, try telling her how attractive you find her to be and how you'd like to watch her enjoy herself. You can also work up to it by trying it in the dark first. Sure you wont see anything, but it'll help her get used to masturbating in your presence and maybe help her build her comfort level up enough to let you light a candle or even turn on the lights.

SexGoddess on “Mutual Masturbation”

OOOOOOOH My Favorite topic! Mutual masturbation (one of my many faves lol)

you know, if you want your woman to touch herself during intercourse or just together with you? Then let her know. if she's reluctant? Then just continue to give her compliments, tell her how sexy she is etc... she WILL open to it at some point.

Otherwise, you could also maybe take your hand and place it on her vagina to masturbate her and ask her to show you how she likes it. that may work as well.

Communication is key. keep those lines open and please, do not show any frustration, which will always make a woman who is nervous about anything more self-conscious.

Vette1963 on “Mutual Masturbation”

I believe that it is embarrassment on the woman’s part. talk to her communication is the key. I convinced my partner by explaining what A TURN ON IT WAS FOR ME and that I could learn from her actions what areas were her "sweet spots" other than the normal ones. now before we have intercourse she will cum 3 or 4 times and I have an erection that is so hard and when we cum together it is so intense. ask her why she doesn't like to play with her self then ask her to do it for you

Brandye on “Anal Sex”

Medically, it is a bad idea. Personally, I like my anus fiddled with during cunnilingus; penetration? Not in me, I have other orifice I am most willing to use.

It is "defecating backwards." The anus and the sphincter muscles around it are designed to keep stuff in until you decide to let it out. Then it is one-way passage. It lacks the elasticity of the vagina and is not really large enough.

At least in the beginning tearing will occur if only at a microscopic level. This admits bacteria and can cause nasty infections. For the penis involved, the enterobacteria will go right up the urethra and can cause horrible urethritis and prostatitis. I had a patient who ejaculated pure blood. His wife thought she had gotten her period unexpectedly!

In the long term, hemorrhoids will result.

Now, some of you will. Please, always use a condom and always use lots of lubricant. There are stretching exercises you can do if you are planning to do this. You would be amazed at the stuff removed from rectums in emergency rooms. Shot glasses seem to be a preferred way to show "what I can take!" Well, they seem a little embarrassed when I roll them on a firm pillow and get out the forceps.

OK, I am against it. For those who want to, do it safely. It is not as bad as smoking for your health.

Andy on “Sex Education”

I think that for teenagers or people who are new to having sex, this board is a very valuable resource. Where else are young people going to have questions answered about sex and sexuality? Sex education in schools leaves quite a bit to be desired, and asking parents or family members can be embarrassing, not to mention the fact that the reliability of information given is questionable most of the time.

I've learned a lot since finding this website, not just about sex, but also about dating, love, birth control, std's and a variety of other topics. I feel that it is important for this resource to be available to people of all ages for this reason.

What other way will a teenager find out about these things? Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to something as potentially fulfilling and potentially dangerous as sex.

Girlygirl on “Sexual Preference”

There is an annoyingly common belief that anyone who has had sex with people of both genders is automatically bisexual. Similarly, many people think that someone who has not had sex with members of both genders cannot be bi. By that logic, certain rape victims are bisexual, even if they are attracted to one or neither sex, and all virgins should be considered asexual. Like heterosexuality and homosexuality, bisexuality is a sexual preference, not a sexual history.

I have also heard it said that someone cannot be considered bi-curious after he/she has had sex with people of both genders. While "experimenting" may make it easier for someone to figure out his/her sexual preference, it will not necessarily solve the mystery once and for all. If the experimenter does not enjoy it, this may be due to factors unique to that particular partner or the specific things they did, not the gender as a whole. Even if the experimenter does enjoy it, it may just be because he/she happened to be horny at the time, and (to quote some book, I think it was called "She's Come Undone") "friction is friction".

Interestingly, these beliefs sometimes extend to homosexuality but never to heterosexuality.

These myths make sexual preference appear at once more and less complicated than it really is. All you need to know to determine your sexual preference is whether you are attracted to men, women, both or neither. But how many people know themselves that well?

Brandye on “Impotence”

Age matters; as does desire, testosterone level, blood supply and what he may be thinking about.

In short, what is happening is that the two little valves that hold the blood in the penis are letting go and it is draining out. This could have a physiological basis, especially with aging. It is these two little valves that Viagra helps. I have had some experience with "backing up" and having him lose interest. Once you get to working on the penis, stopping can be a surprise and the penis will go flaccid. Make it a progressive and stimulus increasing thing. And do not back up to whatever else you were doing.

As often as not, this is a psychological thing. He may be anxious about doing as well as others have for you or wondering about his own adequacy. Once a pattern of collapse begins, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If either men or women come close, our genitals are left engorged and it takes a while for the blood to go elsewhere. For us, we can easily masturbate and it goes away. In men, this can actually be a painful situation. The fact that he is getting soft indicates that he will not be left with physical pain but be frustrated and feel inadequate.

Some men, sometimes, simply need more stimulation. perhaps a bit of sucking or particular hand stimulation may help. Perhaps it is all in his head and there is nothing you can really do.

Short answer, physiologically the valves are opening and allowing blood to drain from the penis. Why? Too many potential reasons to go into. Age, stress, past experience, self-image, fatigue, fear of failure and on and on.

ItalStall on “Impotence”

To expand on Brandye's comments re:

"Some men, sometimes, simply need more stimulation. perhaps a bit of sucking or particular hand stimulation may help."

IF this is a psychological problem, it is vital to shift the emphasis from HAVING to perform. Next time you are having sex and this situation occurs, show him it is "no problem" by switching to other ways of pleasuring each other that do not require a firm erection.

He can still achieve orgasm even when fairly soft: orally, by hand ... whatever, so you CAN still "go all the way". Don't just stop sex (that will just make him feel worse physically and mentally); switch tactics instead. This should help by taking the pressure off him and he will relax. When and if he seems ready for full intercourse, make it a progression from this "safety base" and don't be frustrated if he loses it and you need to revert to what you were doing. Eventually if he sees you are not letting it bother/stop you, he will likely stop worrying and just get on with it too.

Most men who have this problem have a great deal of trouble talking about it. If he is one, nothing needs to be said, just deal with it by action, not words.

Final point: try positions where penetration is easier and make sure you are "ready" for him before he tries to penetrate ... if necessary use lubricant ... you want to make "the mission" as easy as possible for him! However, once he is in, friction is important to maintaining sensation, so adjust position if necessary, and don't be afraid to use your hand on the base of his penis and testicles as he strokes in and out.

ItalStall on “Older Men & Sex-drive”

First off, everyone is different; we all have different sex-drives, "interests" etc. From my similarly aged friends (men AND women), I know that many, if not all, have slowed their sex-lives somewhat as they have gotten older - just part of the biological clock I suppose. However, that DOESN'T mean that the old spring has rusted and broken off!! Just that the frequency may have lessened! Therefore, different sex-lives will have cooled down at different rates and by varying amounts. Personally, I still LOVE sex and so does my partner, though she likes it less frequently than me, which is sometimes frustrating - but hey, masturbation doesn't need to stop at 30!

Even for young people, when any relationship is brand new, it is at its most adventurous and exciting. As time goes by that is replaced more by the different pleasures that experience and knowledge of each other should bring. It stands to reason that the sex you do have should only get better and better; as you get older it's more how much you enjoy the sex you DO have (quality v quantity!). In your b/f's case, it's possible that "newness" has now (more quickly) gone and that from lack of experience he can't take it to that next step fast enough. If so, he may be feeling more frustrated than you.

Hazarding some guesses ... Maybe he is being honest here and hasn't had as much experience as you think. Maybe he is out of his depth trying to please a much younger woman (or maybe combine that with just having a lower sex-drive in the first place). Maybe what he wants from you, he feels afraid or embarrassed to ask. Maybe your "new look, weight, studying, etc" has affected his self-confidence and he fears losing you to a younger guy ... and on and on. Just some things to consider.

Of course, all this is "maybe's and could be's". Bottom line is, you have to keep communicating with him till you can both figure it out. At his age, he is probably pretty set in his ways and that might take some doing. But, once you have done that, you have a decent chance of sorting it. He might need medical help, sex counseling or just a patient partner to help him through. For your sake, you have to find out!

Brandye on “Older Men & Sex-drive”

Part of the aging process in men is the reduction of libido. Sperm production slows, testosterone levels fall and there is less natural drive. They can rise to the occasion for a weekend but day to day, sex plays a less central role. They will typically not get quite as rigid and hard and the recovery time takes longer.

I remember my only real male love. For most of two years we traveled, worked and lived together. I can count on one hand the days we missed making love. It was more than I needed but I understood his drive and learned to really enjoy the intimacy with an orgasm for me a couple times a week. I loved having him with me, in me and becoming a part of me with each ejaculation.

Today, there is a man nearly the age of my father. We see each other perhaps twice a year. Once in the evening and perhaps in the morning. He cares for an invalid wife in a small town where he is also the only doctor. I really think our liaisons are his total sex life.

The male peaks in drive and production at about 18; women peak in their desire about 28. There is often a second peak for women after menopause - no more periods, pregnancy not an issue and we can relax. I have not hit that yet but it is real for many.

You may be peaking as he is on the descent. What do you want? A sex partner, a life partner, a conversationalist. We all make choices. At this point my girlfriend and I each, when we take penis breaks, usually have slightly younger partners.

Girlygirl on “Being a Sex Addict”

I think being an addict has more to do with how you think than what you do. An addiction is something you can't do with out. You could have sex twenty times a day, but as long as you can happily take a break from it for a few days, you are probably not an addict. Likewise, you could have gone for years without getting laid, but if sex is all you think about, and you would rather do that than eat sleep or breath, you probably are an addict. Or maybe you're just 16 …

Guido on “Circumcision”

Many boys/men in the US today are circumcised and many more young boys continue to be. In an intact man, the sexually sensitive tissue unfolds to cover the shaft of the penis. The circumcised man has only a narrow band of this tissue remaining. Anywhere from 20% to 80% of the sexually sensitive tissue is removed! This sensitive region is normally much larger and folded inside the foreskin in the intact male, where it is moist and protected from constant stimulation. After circumcision, what remains of this region is exposed, dried out, and greatly desensitized.

As an uncircumcised male with an uncircumcised son, I have occasionally wondered WHY any parent would have their son circumcised. It seemed strange to me that it seemed to be a geographical or religious matter whether it was considered a good thing or not, rather than a pure medical matter. Religion does strange things to people’s reasoning, so I will put that aside. However, I really couldn’t figure why it is so popular in the US compared to (say) Europe.

I have recently discovered more information about circumcision and the reasoning used to justify it. The evidence is sickening! Incredibly, in the US, it is all to do with the sexophobic behavior of the late 1800’s / early 1900’s, and their misguided belief of the time, that circumcision was important to prevent masturbation. Just as with female circumcision in some parts of the world, the intent of male circumcision in America was to control sexual activity. It is clear from the historical evidence that circumcision in America was instituted in a futile attempt to prevent masturbation by reducing sexual sensitivity. Thankfully, circumcision rates have plummeted in the US as more men confront the real reason why they were sexually altered.

Many years ago, when it was thought important to prevent masturbation, American health authorities advocated circumcision. There is no longer any national or international public health authority in the western world that advocates routine circumcision - need I say more? And yet, there are still doctors today who profit from carrying out this practice!!

Even now, so-called “medical” reasons are still trotted out as justifications for this barbaric act, but interestingly the reasons came AFTER the practice became widespread. Here follows some of the so-called arguments and rebuttals for circumcision.

Neonatal circumcision in the US was born of Lie Number One in the late 1800's, and continues today under the combined pressure of Lies Number Two and Three.

• Lie Number One: Circumcision will reduce the sex drive and prevent masturbation.

Truth: While circumcision certainly reduces sexual satisfaction, there is no indication that it reduces masturbation or the drive to attain sexual satisfaction. This myth was the base on which circumcision was originally sold. Continental Europe's Puritans had emigrated (some to Britain and Australia, but most to America) so neonatal circumcision never became routine in Europe.

• Lie Number Two: Ten percent of the intact (not circumcised) boys will need circumcision later on in their lives.

Truth: Less than one percent of intact European men ever get this treatment for any medical condition whatsoever, yet they have a lower penile cancer rate than American men. European men also have lower rates of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Israel and the US are the only industrialized countries where a male has a high risk of being circumcised. In Finland -- a non-circumcising country -- the operative rate is only a tiny fraction of this percentage. A male's risk of being circumcised for any reason during his entire lifespan is less than one in 16,000. In the US, the differences reflect an American attitude that the foreskin is expendable and the tendency to remove it at the first sign of trouble.

• Lie Number Three: Circumcision is a horribly painful experience for older males, but it doesn't really hurt babies, so it should be done now.

Truth: There is an abundance of evidence from scientific journals, medical personnel, and parents, that circumcision is a horribly painful experience for babies. No anesthetic is used during infant circumcision because of the real hazards (death) of anesthetizing newborns. (Even if an anesthetic were used, the wound would stay very sore for several days.) The degree to which circumcision contributes to the shamefully high infant mortality rate in the US is hidden, because fatal circumcision complications are recorded under whatever was the immediate cause of death, e.g., hemophilia, or gastric rupture, or a disease that resulted from infection, etc.

Some would have us believe that this surgery is benign, but the anti-circumcision net sites are peppered with horror stories of circumcisions gone wrong, and tales of parents whose child was circumcised without their permission. With infants it is usually hospital error; with older children it can happen during a routine doctor's visit for a vaccination. Sudden pressure for an immediate circumcision is sometimes successful, especially if brought on a parent while the spouse is away and not immediately available for consultation.

So, if you ever have a male child and consider the option of circumcision, please hark back to this post and think twice … and then think again!

Guido on “Incest/Sibling Masturbation”

ALL kids, as they grow up, have a natural interest in their own and other people's bodies. The bodies they are most likely to come into contact with are their own and those of their close family. With kids of approximately the same age (siblings or not), it is not so strange that the interest might become mutual and still remain perfectly innocent in nature, with nothing more than "look and touch" and (yes) maybe even mutual masturbation - no bad motive, just because it feels good! Eventually, as they grow a little older, they understand that some things (although ok) are private, and they usually grow out of it. So far, I see no problem ... If they don't grow out of it and it is still equally consentual, then I am still not convinced there is a real problem.

The real problem does DEFINITELY arise where there are children of differing ages and levels of development, where one child has some physical or psychological influence over the other (such as an older sibling has over a younger one), and uses it to persuade or force the other child into what the older child knows are sexual acts. The younger child is being taken advantage of - that is plain wrong!

The basic point here is no different than for adults where one partner is not consenting. Any time that anyone coerces someone who does not consent to do something, THAT is what is wrong! Whether you agree with incest (or not) is not the real issue here. The issue here is that ANY sexual acts are only ok if BOTH parties are of an age and maturity to properly consent. (In the case where both kids are equally very young and innocent, it really isn't an "intended sexual act", it is just part of self-discovery.)

In the case of ADULT incest, if both partners consent (and as long as no child comes of it, because of the genetic issues), then whether it is wrong or not depends on your personal point of view. "Live and let live", I say. I don't have to condone something to believe in a person's right to make their own decision and for them not to be condemned for having an unconventional lifestyle.

BondageKat on “Penis size”

In my experience, a long and straight penis can feel great but can also cause a lady to go "ouch, my uterus!" And if a guy is 8 inches or more then he can forget anything anal. My personal preference is for something in the 5-7 inches range, with a good girth (which for me is around 4 inches). For me, girth is more important because I love the feeling of being filled. I'm not overly concerned about straight or curved, although a curved penis usually has a better time hitting my G-spot, which can be a lot of fun.

But honestly, I think it's all about how a man uses what he's been given. I have never been disappointed in sex because of the man's penis - the two times I have been disappointed it was definitely by the performance.

Andyaz on “Penis size”

WOW! I can't believe the wealth of misinformation. Of course, it got started fifty years ago with Kinsey's famous poll that put the average at around 6.5 inches. The problem was that his statistics were severely "exaggerated" (which he readily admitted to) by relying on the accuracy of measurements taken and reported by the participants themselves.

I don't know why guys feel compelled to lie in an anonymous survey (denial?), but it's been shown that on *average*, they'll add at least an inch to the truth even in that situation. So, you can absolutely depend on every web poll to be undependable.

Fortunately, there have been a number of scientifically conducted medical studies in recent years that show the true average erect length to be between 5.1" and 5.4", with the majority of men falling within a one inch range roughly centered on the average. Also, the percentage of those with 9 inches and above isn't even a double digit. The average girth is around 4.75" to 5", and most men are pretty close to that, too.

Hard to believe? Of course it is. Men *LIE*. Even those who have 8 inches will add one more, and the ones who would need to add 2 or 3 inches just to be "respectable" generally say nothing instead. It's a rare man who will admit to having "only" five inches (or less), but as a gay guy who's personally inspected more penises than I care to say, I will say that before the zipper comes down, I'm expecting about 5.5", give or take a half inch, and I'm usually right.

Druid on “Penis size”

I'm one of the females that voted the 8"-9" range. Personally I do have experience in the different sizes. I've been with a 4.5, a 6, an 8 and a 9. Three of which were quite a bit above average in the girth area as well.

Brand me a size-queen, but yep the 8 and 9 were more fun. Sure it hurts like crazy unless you use a lot of lube and patience, but there's something to be said for the endorphin rush that accompanies that kind of stretching.

Also, in my experience, the men with larger than average penises were actually more aware of their actions in bed and were more careful not to hurt their partner. I'm sure many men of all sizes are extremely considerate lovers, I just was not fortunate enough to meet them.

Even with my preference, I definitely agree that the penis does not make the man and that there's nothing undesirable about an average or below average penis. All penises are great if used properly by great men. Just because some of us happen to prefer a larger one doesn’t mean we don’t also appreciate the smaller ones.

?wiseman? on “Nympho Problem”

Multiple partners, of any age, heighten your risk for STDs, Pregnancy, infection, etc. And what about the potential ostrasization from your peer group?

Babyblue, you're clearly concerned about your sexual activities and that means there's a problem. If you're not comfortable with your actions, sexual or otherwise, then you need to seek some council as Brandye suggests. You may or may not have a problem, but you clearly think you do and I applaud you for using your head. If your parent(s) knows that you're sexually active, but you're not comfortable talking with them, tell them that you would like to speak with a counselor. You don't have to tell them why, just that it has to do with your sexual maturation. If that's not an option, go to a planned parenthood clinic and speak with someone there. If they believe that you should speak with a specialist, I'm sure that they could point you in the right direction with confidentiality.

Babyblue, please don't delay because you need to become more comfortable with yourself and speaking with someone will be the best first step.

Sexyone on “Online Cybering”

"I just want to know why he feels the need to do this?"

The only way you will truly know the answer to this question is to ask him. Neither you nor the people in this community can truly tell you what he is thinking or what he feels. Ask him. Maybe start by saying what you feel and then explain that you would like to better understand what he is feeling and why he is doing this.

"I mean do guys not feel sharing such intimate pics is wrong esp. when u have a girlfriend."

I am a girl and I don't feel there is anything wrong with this other than the fact that it is hurting you. I am married and my husband and I occasionally exchange naked pictures with others. When we were in Cancun, Mexico last year we even took naked pictures with a neighbor in our hotel, a stranger who was taking naked pictures next door.

"if I make him so happy why does he feel the need to share such private stuff w/ other girls he doesn't know"

No one can get all their needs met by one person. It would not be fair to you or to him if you tried or expected to meet all his needs. This is one of the big reasons relationships fail, this unrealistic expectation that one "other" can meet all of another’s needs. I noticed you started this statement with IF, maybe you need to talk with him about whether or not you are meeting his needs and IF there is anything that either of you can do to better meet both of your needs.

"I gave that up. I don’t really know what exactly my question is I just need some insight on this. should I feel jealous, threatened, worried? or is this just all part of a male's healthy sex life? please help?"

Feelings are very personal. No one here can tell you what you should feel. Instead I would encourage you to discover and work through what you do feel. It sounds like this situation hurts you at least a little and that maybe you are even a little angry. It also sounds like because you "gave that up" you just expected that he would also. Again you are falling into the relationship myth of believing that someone will automatically change because of they are now in a relationship with you.

"he's mentioned many times b4 that his past girlfriends cheated on him and that is something that he doesn't tolerate at all so I never thought that id have to worry about that esp. from his side of the relationship."

It sounds like you feel that he is cheating on you. Maybe he does not thing that he is cheating on you and is unaware that you consider this cheating.

"I would confront him more about stuff but technically I'm really snooping where I don’t belong and him knowing this would probably just make things worse"

If you don't talk to him the situation will get worse anyway because of the negative feeling you are already having. I would suggest starting the conversation by admitting that you were wrong for snooping but that you would like to talk about this anyway because it is [hurting/angering/surprising whatever word goes best] you.

I think you need to admit to yourself how you feel and then talk to him about it. Focus on what you feel as opposed to what he did wrong so that he won't feel like he is being attacked.

Guido on “Cheating, What Is It?”

Sex is expressed with love or without it; love is expressed with sex or without it. So the two are separate things. Sex is about the body, love is about the mind. Love is about a relationship, sex is not necessarily so!

Many people choose to exclusively combine the two, and of course that's fine, but many do not and prefer to have sex and love separately!

A relationship is about trust. "Swingers" are honest about the multiple sex partners with their love partner. No trust is broken, so the relationship is good.

Studies show that many swingers have long, happy relationships, because the love and trust are there, while the sex may be everywhere!

Sexyone on “Cheating, What Is It”

I think a good point has been made about cheating, trust, and communication. First there needs to be a definition of what is cheating or breaking a trust and it needs to be communicated among partners.

Having said that I would not cheat on my partner by doing something that we both feel betrays the trust within our relationship. We both look at other people we even tell each other about people we think are attractive. We've even talked about having sexual playmates. But I would never get a playmate before I was sure my husband was ok with it.

Yippi on “Cheating, What Is It?”

To put it simply, whatever example you apply:

If either of you consider it "cheating", then it is.

If both of you consider it "not cheating", then it isn't.

The critical thing as always is communication, so as to have a clear understanding of what falls into which category. If in doubt, don't expect your partner to know how you feel, and don't guess at how they feel.

Stephanie083099 on “Men’s Magazines”

My b/f looks at those magazines, at first it really bothered me to the point where when I would find one, I would hide it on him. But then I just realized, everyone has fantasies and likes to look at other girls, and long as he doesn’t react to his fantasies, then it shouldn’t be a problem, let guys be guys, everyone has to have there fun.

Hereandnow on “Female Odor”

If he was talking about your vagina, he was certainly (shall we say) a tad insensitive!

However, some smell is actually a GOOD thing! I love the natural scent of a woman - vagina or anywhere else. Research shows it is a natural and powerful aphrodisiac!

As in any aspect of sex, hygiene is key - there is a difference between scent and B.O.

ItalStall on “Deviant Sexual Behavior”

Quote (ryan192 @ Feb. 06 2003,14:37)

She also would let her dog lick her down there if you know what I mean. I’m not kidding. Is that normal sexual exploration for a child? Our relationship is wonderful with no complications so it does not seem to have affected her negatively.

Like most things that are frowned on by society, people don't tend to advertise or even admit that they practice any kind of so-called "deviant behavior". This probably isn't the average person's interest, and I think I can safely say that most would consider it a little gross. But who is to say what is normal and what isn't? "Normal" is just a matter of opinion, not fact! What is normal for one person, community or society is not necessarily for another.

I have heard of this type of "exploration" more than once. It can be a one-off act, based on spur-of-the-moment inquisitiveness (say, like trying out an unusual object), or a deliberate interest in full-blown Bestiality. It most certainly is not restricted to kids! Again, I suspect both are not as unusual as some would (like to) believe; you might be amazed at what is going on behind your neighbors closed curtains - or maybe not!

Regarding what is normal:

Is this commonly accepted practice in our society? - no!

Would we want to encourage kids to carry out this specific type of self-discovery? - no!

Is it normal or healthy for kids to self-explore? - absolutely yes!

Will they find all kinds of weird and wonderful ways of carrying out that discovery? - you bet, and good for them as long as they enjoy it!

If you look again at your last (quoted) sentence, you kind of answered your own question! If everything "is wonderful with no complications" be mighty grateful that she is as self-aware as she is. There are a lot of relationships out there suffering terribly, with one or both partners sexually frigid as a result of being subjected to what our society calls a "normal" (read "close-minded") upbringing.

Justme on “Penis Enlargement”

There is NOTHING that can enlarge your penis. Most things that advertise that they do only end up screwing up your shaft. There are some exercises that can help you control when you cum, but none of them can make you longer, bigger, or stronger. The penis just isn't like other muscles that grow with exercise.

Tell your girlfriend to chill out and love you for who you are. I bet you could come up with a complaint about her body if you wanted to. No one is perfect.

Demonbuttercup on “Masturbation”

no matter what girls say most of them have at one time or another...lol

and yes most guys find it very erotic to watch girls touch themselves... when me b/f and I are having sex and ill start massaging my clit... sometimes he just stops and watches for a min or so...he says he really enjoys it

umm but when he's not around I have a hello kitty vibrating "massager" that I like to use hehe

Brandye on “Lesbianism”

Yes, vette, I am bi-. I also have dual citizenship! Irrelevant but it keeps thing balanced.

My g/f and I have known each other our entire lives starting on a small island in the Hebrides. We planned our own defloration and, with my sister's help, prepared and seduced our boyfriends the same night when we were fifteen. We discovered that the sex was not all that great. As we discussed that, we began to demonstrate what we wished "he" would do. Fill in the blank.

We went to separate universities and each had various affairs. I went to med school in another country and lived with a guy the whole time. During advanced training in Canada I fell in love with a wonderful Croatian colleague. We were planning marriage when he died in Kosovo. She married and had a son and then a nasty divorce.

We rediscovered each other and have been "together" ever since. We are each bi- and each have a need for a penis several times a year. We have rules and that is a protected part of our lives.

The lesbian love is more relaxed and intuitive. We understand what movements are seeking; tender breasts or cramps can be identified with. The clear goal of my vagina that is always present in straight sex is not there. We linger and enjoy.

I do feel uncompleted. There is nothing like a penis in me. And there is the biological function - the vagina has as its only purpose holding a penis until it empties. There is psychological satisfaction in having those millions and millions of sperm swimming around in me.

Possibly half the women in the world have had at least one lesbian-like contact. Because women are the majority, some have no other sex life. Some of us like both.

We are no threat to straights and we do not recruit. We are simply sexual beings handling that as we find adequate. This is a sexuality forum and gays, bi-s and, even, celibates are sexual beings as much as straights.

Some people think I sin with a woman; some, with a man. They still bring their daughters to me for their first gyn exam and my locally famous "talk."

Girlygirl on “Lesbianism”

You might as well ask why some women are straight. Couldn't they get more satisfaction from someone with a lifetime of experience with a woman's body? Keep in mind that many women have a much easier time reaching orgasm from clitoral stimulation than "having their vagina filled with the real thing." Fingers and tongues are just as "real" as penises.

Anyhow, this is all beside the point. The terms homosexual, bisexual and heterosexual are rather misleading in that sexual preference is not all about sex. sex and lust are certainly a part of it, but what it all comes down to is who you find attractive and who you can fall in love with. There are very few people who would base love (or even lust) entirely on the other person's ability to get them off.

Girlygirl on “Female Shaving”

First off, I myself shave my pubic hair. I find this look very sexy both on both myself and other women. I think of it as getting a little more naked. I have never liked the partially shaved look, but that is a matter of personal opinion.

On the other hand, the "natural" look can also be quite appealing. In the same way that lingerie can be sexier than total nudity, pubic hair leaves an element of mystery.

There is nothing wrong with shaving your pubic region, but there is also nothing wrong with leaving it the way it is. It is okay to simply prefer the shaved look, but you should not think of your pubic hair as an "eye sore." It's natural, it's beautiful, and it's part of being a woman.

Anyhow, shaving is a pain in the butt. Sometimes literally.

Guido on “Smell After Sex”

men and women BOTH have a different smell after sex. it is a wonderfully sexy aroma.

I can never understand women (and I guess some guys do it too) that rush off to "detoxify" immediately after sex - also seems a bit insulting to your partner in my view!

I’m not suggesting that anyone "stew in it" either though ... lol ... like nicolee says, a shower later is a good idea. just don't be having a bed-bath while the action is still on!

Brandye on “Smell After Sex”

For those of us who are accepting the semen directly into us, we will always have that problem. Semen is absorbed through the vaginal walls and enters the bloodstream. Some women can actually taste semen an hour or so after vaginal sex. The mucous membrane of the mouth emits the flavor from the bloodstream. It can be noticed on the breath. This is not common but it is not rare, either.

For all of us, the morning after, or just a few hours after, our bottoms do smell of the semen and our own lubrication that, exposed to air, becomes rather nasty smelling. If you wash after sex, this is somewhat ameliorated but there is continuing drainage for a few hours. Some women douche after sex because of this. I recommend against douching with a healthy vagina. It washes out the good stuff with the bad and actually makes one more prone to yeast infection.

My recommendation: Keep clean and accept this as part of a healthy sex life.

Jaime on “Annoying Posts”

Well I just got here and everything I've read so far has been interesting to say the least. I guess IMO if someone annoys me I'll just move on to the next post. We all wouldn't hang out together in the real world so why would we all see eye-2-eye here either?

My grandfather always told me that 1/3 of the people you meet will adore you, 1/3 will abhor you and the other 1/3 won't give a rat's ass - go grampa!

Atomic on “How do I Know If I Am Gay”

the question is: do you feel attracted to men? YES: then chances are you're bi-curious/bi-sexual/gay. Are you EXCLUSIVELY attracted to men: then the chances of you being gay are good. You cannot stop yourself from being gay any more than you can stop yourself being of a different race. It's nature and it's there to stay.

Rather than wanting to stop it, concentrate on the positive side of things rather than whatever you've been told that is negative. Being gay is slowly becoming more socially acceptable (took the world long enough....) and others are quite willing to share info/life story's etc. so read up a bit on teenage homosexuality or join an online chat forum for gay teens. Ask questions, to others and to yourself, and celebrate life-gay or straight or whatever!! Good luck and keep smiling.

Stephanie 083099 on “The Sex Bible”

Be up for anything, try new things and experiment a lot.

Jaime on “Role Playing”

Well, what really turns you on? Pick a wild and crazy even forbidden temptation. Dress the part and go with it!! Usually I think it helps if one person takes the lead and sort of "gives orders" of who should do what to who......I think a lot of verbalizing works well to stay focused on the roles. Use nicknames.....even if they are naughty......teacher, good boy, Mam, Sir, little tramp, my little virgin......etc. What ever works for you. Hope that gives you some ideas. Have fun!!

SexGoddess27 on “Piercings”

I had my tongue pierced at one time. It took forever to heal but I loved it! My ears are pierced as well. I’m all for piercings as long as it's done right. I don't have any particular turn-ons about it though.

One thing that made me think about body piercings was when I spoke with my doctor. it's possible to get diseases through piercings such as, hepatitis. (that goes for body piercings, tongue, vagina, penis tattoos as well).

I do have a tattoo on my breast and one thing you want to do before getting a tattoo or piercing is make SURE that they sterilize EVERYTHING right in front of you in an autoclave (sp). If they don't, then refuse to get anything done.

After all, you don't know where those needles have been or who they were on etc..

Girlygirl on “Piercings”

I used to have my nipples pierced. There are a lot of risks and disadvantages. For one thing, this is a very sensitive area, so it is a very very painful piercing. Some people even say it is more painful than a genital piercing. I wouldn't go that far, but it comes close. It also takes several months to heal. During this time, your piercings require lots of cleaning and care, your nipples can't be touched by anyone but you, the holes will ooze this gross white discharge, the slightest touch or jostle will cause you a great deal of pain, and, as my own experience demonstrates, all sorts of things can go wrong with the piercings, including infection and rejection to name a few.

But there are also advantages. Obviously, the piercings look very sexy (at least to some people). The rings are fun to play with (once they are healed, of course). In most cases, including my own experience, they make the nipples deliciously sensitive. However, be forewarned: occasionally piercings can make them lose sensitivity instead. The Victorians believed that piercing nipples made the breasts get bigger (believe it or not, they had a brief nipple-piercing fad), but I have my doubts about that.

Please consider the pros and cons carefully before you make your decision. Look for a good piercer with lots of experience and an autoclave. Whatever you do don't try to pierce them yourself.

Druid on “Being Non-judgmental”

One of the main attractions of this site is that it strives to remain nonjudgmental. Most of the people whose posts I have read do an excellent job of fostering the sort of environment that makes it possible for others to seek the kind of knowledge that cannot be easily sought elsewhere. Why is guycr's quest for understanding received any differently than those who would inquire about other fetishes that may not appeal to the masses?

He has harmed no one with his question, yet he is chastised and labeled a "sickie" by some of the members here. Yes I understand that people may be curious about the reasoning behind his uncommon fetish and may naturally question him about it, but there is no reason to over-react and demand that the moderator step in and start revoking constitutional rights. The issue of liability is completely nonexistent since no instructions were ever even provided by myself or other posters. Furthermore, anyone who was not entirely daft would realize that any time that a person engages in an activity in which blood is drawn or shared, there are innumerable negative consequences that can result. Judging by guycr's posts, he has shown himself to be of more than enough intelligence to know the obvious consequences of his potential actions. His last posting would indicate that, as he is now informed of some of the lesser-known side effects, he may choose not to partake in bloodplay.

Whether he does or not is his own personal decision and it doesn't make him crazy or sane either way. It also doesn't mean that anyone has a right to judge him or his particular fetish. I don't know about the rest of you, but I would much rather have someone ask a question like his and gain the knowledge to make an informed decision than have them break out the knives and play it by ear. When people are ostracized to the point where they stop asking for advice and information about risky practices, THAT is when accidents happen and lives are lost.

I will climb down off my soapbox now, but I ask you to keep something in mind when you reply to future posts that you may not agree with. The thing that makes this site stand out from the rest of the pack, the very thing that makes it worth coming back to time and again, is the lack of judgmental bickering and hypocritical name-calling that pervades just about every other board out there. Let's keep it that way.

Brandye on “Penis Running Out Of Gas”

Not unusual. Now you are trying so hard and being so concerned that the loss of erection has become a self-fulfilling prophesy. If your girlfriend is not upset, take that as a sign that she has confidence. When that happens, have her try another approach. Hand, mouth, tickle, shaking - whatever comes to her mind. This will further build your confidence.

Men who experience this often have more "difficulty" in one or another position. Supporting yourself on top as you approach takes more energy. For some men, being on bottom shifts the control and this softens them. Talk it out and try different approaches.

Bobnova on “Penis Running Out Of Gas”

I've had this happen a couple of times, for a couple of different reasons.

The first, was when I was just getting into sex, and the act of putting on a condom killed my erection two thirds of the time (major pain in the ass). That one we solved by switching birth control methods (we both know that neither of us has any STDs).

More recently this has happened a few times, when we start having sex a second time, shortly after the first. If I don't get a fairly large amount of stimulation, it just goes limp. I've found three things that help, and here they are:

1) Find the muscles that control your erection (the same ones you use to stop pissing) when you feel yourself going soft, or while your putting a condom on, or whatever, clench these, and hold them. You will probably have to "work them out" for a while before you can hold them for any length of time (next time you take a piss, practice stopping it mid stream). These are the ones that the semi-famous "Kegel" exercises (http://www.sexinfo101.com/ic_kegel.shtml), strengthen, do those anyway, as they after a while, make any sex better, for both parties.

2) Think about, or picture what your doing with, about to do with, or was doing with, your girlfriend (in turn you on the most, give yourself a imaginary porno to watch)

3) change positions. If you’re not getting enough stimulation, switch to something you get more in, missionary is one of the better ones for guys, though not so great for girls. Think back to porn, and try some of those (you'll probably want to try them before using them to combat loosing your erection, as switching and trying to figure it out isn't exactly stimulating).

P.S. the hardest part is not worrying about the fact that you’re loosing the erection, which is the one thing you shouldn't be thinking about, naturally.

Justme2 on “Being Overweight”

Well, as a "woman of size" for all my life, I have to say that I've rarely had trouble finding friends or lovers once I got out of high school. I'll admit that it can limit the number of positions I can try (though I've been doing exercises and have become fairly limber!), but I don't think I'm missing too much.

I admit that I get the same anxiety when meeting a potential new lover, and there've been a few times I've sent out a pic only to not hear from the guy again, but I just figure, "Hey, it's his loss!"

Your B/F knows that there's more there than just a cute ass -- he enjoys the WHOLE person, which is what's important, right?

Golden Posts - Sex Toys

2007-11-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

Following are actual posts from popular forum

Vette1963 on “The Best & Worst Toys”

Toys are man's gift to sex. My partner and I use a variety of them. Her favorite is the vibrator. We bought four before we found the right one. It really is a personal choice. Ours is for clitoral stimulation. You may prefer vaginal insertion stimulation or both.

Sex101 has a pretty good selection and prices seem to be fair. I we enjoy a small butt plug while we are having intercourse or foreplay. Adult videos are really exciting for me (if you consider them toys).recently we started using lubrication k-y jelly. It is great when she is jacking me off ad I have found out she jack's me off more now than before. It’s great if in a hurry like before we are going somewhere or before going to work.

We have a penis pump but I don't see any benefit using it, others may. Just bought a strap-on but haven't tried it I little afraid after reading some of the posts about anal. She appears to enjoy anal beads that we have.

Yippi on “The Best & Worst Toys”

Another toy I like a lot is the small Wireless Remote Control Butterfly.

Most times I'm satisfied with a traditional or clitoral vibrator, but there are certain occasions where I just really want something different and the idea of a remote controlled vibrator really turned me on.

My first impression of the Remote Butterfly was that it was a sexy vibrator. It is shaped like a butterfly with nice little patterns on the "wings". It's very feminine, which works well for me. The color is good too, although it probably doesn't matter too much what color it is. The idea is to wear it under clothing or in the bedroom - certainly not where many people would be seeing it.

Sometimes my b/f sits across from me, watching me and controlling the vibrator, bringing me to orgasm. I don't know why this turns me on so much, I just really enjoy the notion of my b/f watching me from afar as he brings me to orgasm. I know that many people also use remote controlled vibrators in public or maybe while they are around other people.

It is easy to strap into place and is very comfortable. The straps are a bit thinner than I thought they would be, but they are comfortable. I suppose they make them thin so you can hide the vibrator under your clothing. The vibrator itself is also very comfortable. It is nice and soft and fits nicely. The vibrations are very quiet, and I would say they are definitely quiet enough to allow you to use this toy out in public. The vibrations aren't completely silent though - so if you want to use the Remote Control Butterfly in, say, a museum you might want to think twice. As long as there is a little background noise you're fine.

The remote control unit is easy to operate and is compact and sturdy. It's a little black box that fits into a pocket. Neither I nor my b/f has any real complaints about the Remote Butterfly, and each of our experiences with it to date have been lots of fun. I'm glad I indulged my fantasy with this toy, and I would recommend it highly.

Girlygirl on “Acrylic Dildos”

I finally went out and bought an acrylic dildo, so I thought I'd share my experience with you all. I got the "Jupitor dildo" from Good Vibrations. It cost twenty-two dollars, which is not unusually cheap but is less than the average dildo.

Unfortunately, it is not as pretty as most acrylic dildos. One of the appeals of acrylic is its beauty. Dildos made of this type of plastic are usually clear and look like glass sculptures. This particular dildo only came in translucent pink, which is pretty but not nearly as pretty as clear acrylic. The store had two beautiful clear plastic dildos, but one of them looked too big for me, and the shape of the other one didn't look stimulating enough, so I opted for function over form and bought the Jupitor.

It turned out to be a lot of fun. The smooth texture is only a very subtle difference, but it does feel nice. Plus, since it is naturally slippery, it doesn't require much lube. The unyielding hardness of acrylic feels great inside, especially during orgasm, although it can be a little too rough going in and out. My only real complaint about the material is that it takes a long time to heat up.

The Jupitor is almost like two dildos in one, since the two ends are both insertable. One end is composed of three knobs (or "orbs" as the Good Vibes website calls them), and the other end is smooth and curved for g-spot stimulation. Both ends feel pretty good, but I do have one complaint about the curved end: it curves back before it curves forward, so it sometimes presses uncomfortably against my rectum. Other than a few small shortcomings, this is a great toy.

Brandye on “Toy Cleaning”

Two messages:

1. I have had (and done) gyn exams with either a surgical steel or plastic speculum. Based on my experience and appreciation from patients, soak them in warm water for a while. These dildos are rather thick and will take a while to warm up. I do this with my little bottle, too.

2. Anything going in you must be properly maintained whether it is a diaphragm, menstrual cup or dildo. In addition to washing, regularly soak it for about twenty minutes in warm vinegar water - two-thirds water and one-third vinegar. I often use a menstrual cup and soak it after every use. Having two to rotate helps but they are initially expensive compared to other feminine hygiene products.

Golden Posts - New To Sex

2007-11-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

Following are actual posts from popular forum

Tjdude on “Ready for Sex at 13”

Michelle, you are way too young for having sex, there are a lot of issues behind sex that a young mind can not see right away. It is not only the pregnancy and STD’s stuff (those are powerful reasons for not having sex, but not the only ones).

There are many other situations that emotionally you’re not prepared to handle. Like when every time you have sex you have to wait with fear until your period arrives, and if it is one day late you are almost crying because you think you are pregnant, or you have to start taking pills every day and some times they make you sick and they cause you head aches and nausea but you can not miss one because you can get pregnant.

Sex is great, I don't deny it, but only if it is properly done, and you guys at such a young age I don't think you are ready yet. But ... there is no reason for you to not became closer, you know, if holding hands is not enough and you feel you want to go one step further, by all means, go ahead, just don't jump in to bed (or the back of the car) so fast. Just wait a little longer and you'll see that it was worth the wait.

Brandye on “Ready for Sex at 13”

The right time and age is different for everyone. Most comments, including my own, on this site are we women feel we started too young. In the developed world, "typical" women have their first true intercourse between 18th and 20th birthdays. This puts you on the very young side. Physically, no problem (assuming no pregnancy and then there are lots of problems in a body that young); psychologically, are you ready to sweat out every period for the next thirty-five years? Are you ready to look your mother in the eye and say, "Mum, I am pregnant?"

There are lots of things to do together with much less risk than intercourse. Too often, your thinking ends up in my office discussing "what can be done."

Brandye on “How Often For Sex?”

Physiologically, a man hits his peak in the late teens. We women seem to hit our peak in our late twenties. There are anthropological studies of primitive societies where several times a day is normal. When younger, I had a few boyfriends that seemed insatiable. You may want to add a little spice to your foreplay. Jack him off a time or two. That slows his response and has some other beneficial side effects: the first ejaculation is usually the largest and most fertile. Also tastes the worst. This is not a contraceptive technique just some insight. With him slowed down a bit, you are more likely to get what you want or need.

If you are sleeping together (literally, not the euphemism) he will likely wake up every morning with an erection and be ready every evening. You may be happy with two or three orgasms a week. I am lucky in that I derive great pleasure from simply having him inside me and feeling his response. In my first cohabitation experience, it was virtually every morning and every night. Sometimes I felt that it was not worth it. And I used "alternate methods." Not as time consuming. Rarely did I simply refuse.

If you are only together with the opportunity a few times a week, you can be certain that he will be ready to go several times. If that is more than you want, you have to talk it out because once introduced to sex the late adolescent or young adult male will never say no. Dating young males (when I was the same age), I established a pattern: one or two times by hand or other body part stimulation, a couple in me (stupidly sometimes into the same condom without withdrawing - not a good idea) and then maybe one oral. Total three to five. Somewhere in there I got the oral or digital stimulation necessary - I rarely reach orgasm through penile thrusting, alone. Very rarely.

On a few occasions, a girlfriend (now my partner) and I would be traveling together with our dates. To save money we often shared a hotel room with two double beds. We made some attempt at being discrete after the lights went out but it seemed like we were each into three or so times many evenings.

Certainly, this is not necessary. But the male at that age will find it desirable. You can either accommodate or make it clear that you are not into that. Believe me; it slows considerably in later years.

Once again as TJ and Vette and a few others here emphasize, communication is the key.

Guido on “How Often For Sex?”

I agree with Brandye, mix it up so that he is satisfied, but so that you are not overwhelmed with it ... and communication is key.

I would add one other thing though. At some point you might feel "enough already, I am giving him everything I feel comfortable with ... and he still wants more". If that happens you should not feel bad about telling him that; after all, it's only good if you are BOTH enjoying it!

Guess what he will do? (You might even want to suggest this to him). He will "fill in the gaps" by doing what he did before he met you ... by masturbating!

It is not your responsibility to satisfy anyone else’s unquenchable appetite. If you give him what you can (and want to) and it is not enough, it is HIS responsibility to take care of it, not yours.

The sex (while not as frequent) is a whole lot better when the other person "wants to" instead of feels like "has to".

If you ask me how I know this, it is because I am like your b/f (no such thing as "enough"), and it took me a number of years (and an unhappy relationship) to figure this out.

ItalStall on “How Often For Sex?”

First off ... I agree with Guido totally, including this quoted bit. I would like to present a related slant on this topic though, regarding (I suspect) mostly longer term relationships.

I know many women and men who "jokingly" say that after being in a relationship a while they lose interest in the sex and can't be bothered with (and try to avoid) their partner's advances. Amazingly (to me), most are then all surprised and hurt when their partner strays ... duh!

We (males and females) should try and distinguish between what is a reasonable or unreasonable compromise between differing sex-drives, and neither party should feel cut-off or overwhelmed. If you are asking somebody to be monogamous to you (and you to them), then the least you can (both) do is not abuse that promise by cutting them off and then demanding fidelity.

The argument re being overwhelmed has already been well put by Guido. On the other hand, if you cut-off your partner unreasonably, don't be surprised (and just mad at THEM) if his/her response is to seek satisfaction elsewhere!

As ever, common sense, variety (keeping things fresh), communication and truly caring for each other should stop this from ever happening, but time passing has a way of making us all complacent ...

Andy on “Satisfying Her”

The brain is the biggest sex organ. All I mean by that is that you could be doing everything right, physically, but unless you get her mind into it as well, you won't see a result. I'm speaking from personal experiences here, because about half the time, I can't have orgasms with my girlfriend because my brain wanders and thinks about other things, and then I just end up worrying about whether or not I can have an orgasm at all.

My suggestion to you would be to romance your girlfriend. Make love to her, rather than just have sex or fool around. Once you are enthused and excited about making love, it will rub off on her and she'll be able to relax and enjoy it a lot more. (Trust me, that will also make it much better for you.)

Brandye on “Erratic Periods”

During puberty and up to 17 or 18 periods are notoriously erratic. I spent most of my teen years soaking spotted drawers - came when it should; did not when it should. As long as the period is erratic, so is ovulation. This is a major reason for "contraceptive failure" in teen women.

A home pregnancy test will not be effective until a week after conception and that is too late for the morning after pill. From the time we become sexually active until menopause, we sweat out every period. With maturity comes the ability to handle that stress but it remains a fact of female life. Younger teens can lose a great deal of teen aged joy worrying about whether or not it will come. Is it worth it? I decided "no" and after starting sex too young, took a couple year break. Actually, I remained active but with a girl friend. Pregnancy is rare in that situation! (Smirk).

We women tend not to share the monthly worries unless we are late and I doubt that any man can understand the fact that for our entire lives, every time we pee, we check our bloomers for what may (or may not) be there.

Sex is great but carries risks and responsibilities. Think it through before, not after, you begin. And do not be afraid to rethink every single month.

Brandye on “Oral Sex”

No woman ever forgets the first mouthful. It is not pleasant tasting or feeling. The first time I gagged coughed and generally made a fool of myself. It still tastes bad but I have learned over the years to enjoy it.

One, jack him off and take him however a few times. The first ejaculate of the days is the largest and worst tasting. Then while you are performing, rest a finger behind his scrotum. You will feel the first contraction there. You will not be surprised. There is nothing wrong with bringing him off and taking the penis out of your mouth at the last minute. Get used to what is happening. When you feel him coming press the back of your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Women think the taste is what makes them gag. Actually, the first shot hitting the back of your throat and stimulating the gag reflex is what does it.

I do not want to discourage you; oral should be part of all our skills. But it takes some getting used to. As for his enjoying, anything you do will be great and you can improve on it from there.

Remember, any disease that can be passed on genitally can also be passed on orally. We had quite a discussion the last few weeks on blowjobs with condoms. Protect yourself.

Guido on “Maintaining an Erection”

Believe it or not, ALL guys have trouble getting, or maintaining, an erection at some time or another.

Occasionally it is a medical problem. However, in the vast majority of cases it is just either nervousness, too much to drink, tiredness, medication or some other temporary perfectly normal reaction.

The first time or two is especially stressful and it is easy for your mind to play tricks on your equipment. The LAST thing to do is worry about it; don't let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The way to do this is to have enjoyment as the goal, instead of orgasm. Let orgasm be the NICE SURPRISE. Just enjoy what she is doing to you and the rest will (this time or another) take care of the rest.

Many women enjoy sex without having an orgasm every time, and no-one thinks that strange! Guys are trained to think "cum". This puts un-necessary strain on you - the LAST thing you need!

Just enjoy - it will take care of itself - honest!

Brandye on “Sexuality – Gay, Straight or Bi?”

I have been wrestling with that for over twenty years. I am actively bisexual and so is my partner, also a bi- woman. I have been through stages of knowing I am straight and stages of being militantly lesbian. Certainly your experience of non-loving sex with that jerk a few years ago has affected you. So have many other things.

We women have a wonderful capacity of response to human beings whether man or woman. Where our preferences come from has been debated forever. It will be debated long after we are gone.

There has been shown to be genetic cause for male homosexuality and the same may be true for lesbians. That has not yet been identified. You are on a long search. You can carry a lot of baggage on that search or you can accept what you find along the way. My g/f was married and has a teenaged son; I have had live in arrangements with two men for lengthy periods. The second was leading to marriage. Death intervened.

We love one another; we are happy being with one another. We each enjoy the feeling of a penis in us from time to time. What caused this? What are the implications? Do our families attribute our relationship to being hurt in relationships with males? We do not know. We neither flaunt nor hide our relationship. As long as her son is home, we live a few hundred meters apart. What will happen when he leaves? What happens if either of us falls in love with a man?

We have rules that govern our present heterosexual contacts and we have absolute trust that they are being followed. If that trust were broken...?

There is no answer to your question. You can only trust yourself recognizing that either bi- or lesbian; you are "different" and present an unknown threat to those around you.

Girlygirl on “Fingering”

I couldn't fit a tampon in when I was a virgin, and most men's fingers are wider than tampons. She may, like me, have a tough hymen, but there are some things you can do to make it easier. Putting some lube on your finger will help it slide in more easily. Trim your nails beforehand; long nails can be a problem even for non-virgins. Most importantly, make sure she is sexually aroused before you try to finger her, as this will make her vagina looser and provide natural lubrication.

Brandye on “Breast Size”

Breast development in women continues to about age 18. After that pregnancy and great changes in weight are the only real reasons for change. There are, of course, monthly variations with some women having to go up a full band and cup size right before their periods.

There are also ethnic differences. Lingerie retailers have compiled lists of what sizes. Models and colors sell best in different locations. The great overweight problem in both Europe and North America makes it difficult to determine.

And what is large is strictly in the mind of the people involved. I am quite pleased with my rather typical development of 34B/C - with some variation. Not too much to carry around but enough to be noticeable.

Guido on “Female Odor”

Virtually all body parts have *some* odor ... whether it is unpleasant or not depends mostly (though not entirely) on personal hygiene.

You have probably encountered a bit of "male humor" about female anatomy ... ignore it.

In fact, natural aromas and pheromones given off by the body are two of the most unacknowledged, yet powerful, natural aphrodisiacs in existence!

Brandye on “Female Odor”

There have been many posts here lately regarding odor and taste of the female genitals. This has included the age old discussion of smelling like fish.

All body fluids exposed to the air (oxygen) putrefy and become smelly. Because of our construction, we women constantly have some low level of drainage. Inside the vagina, it is not exposed to the air. As it moves outside the labia menora, it is subject to putrefying.

Some of us have some deposit in our pants every day. Slight but detectable. Some appear to have none but on close inspection, it is there. Some have greater amounts and actually do (should) change during the day. Normal cleansing at least twice a day and before intimate contact should keep this under control. If she washes at least morning and night and does a touch up when "getting ready" and the smell is still overpowering, there is something in that discharge. Usually it is enterobacteria. They belong in the intestine but sometimes migrate and set up housekeeping in the vagina. It is a low level infection and sometimes is only detectable by the smell. There are medicated douche preparations and anti-bacterial jellies that can treat this. It usually takes several days and a condom should be used until both of you are sure it is cleared up. Sometimes the man with a urethritis will pass it into the vagina and then you keep passing this back and forth.

We women also carry away with us the results of sex. Semen, which is a bit aromatic in its immediately released state, gets really raunchy after a few hours. Any of us who are taking it in will be discharging it for at least a few hours. Much of it is absorbed through the vaginal wall but much of it drains out after it liquefies. The morning after aroma with the mixture of female juices and semen is something men rarely encounter but can be quite strong. This is a primary reason for many women douching after sex. I do not advocate that, medically, but sometimes do if I will be unable to touch up in a few hours. One of my affairs often ends in the morning and I drive a few hours home. Not nice when I arrive.

If I have intercourse in the morning, I always carry extra panties and find a way to freshen up during the day. Working in a clinic, that is easy. Most women can figure it out for themselves.

OK, we all, men and women, smell. Or at least our juices do. If it is truly offensive, there is usually something adding to it. More women overdo the clean part, I suspect.

ItalStall on “Female Puberty”

The stages of puberty for a woman are basically as follows:

1 Age Range: Usually 8-11

In Stage 1 there are no outside signs of development, but a girl's ovaries are enlarging and hormone production is beginning.

2 Age Range: Usually 8-14. Average: 11-12

The first sign is typically the beginning of breast growth, including "breast buds." A girl may also grow considerable height and weight. The first signs of pubic hair start out fine and straight, rather than curly.

3 Age Range: Usually 9-15. Average: 12-13

Breast growth continues, and pubic hair coarsens and becomes darker, but there still isn't a lot of it. Your body is still growing, and your vagina is enlarging and may begin to produce a clear or whitish discharge, which is a normal self-cleansing process. Some girls get their first menstrual periods late in this stage.

4 Age Range: Usually 10-16. Average: 13-14

Pubic hair growth takes on the triangular shape of adulthood, but doesn't quite cover the entire area. Underarm hair is likely to appear in this stage, as is menarche. Ovulation (release of egg cells) begins in some girls, but typically not in a regular monthly routine until Stage 5.

5 Age Range: Usually 12-19. Average: 15

This is the final stage of development, when a girl is physically an adult. Breast and pubic hair growth are complete, and your full height is usually attained by this point. Menstrual periods are well established, and ovulation occurs monthly.

Brandye on “Birth Control for Newbies to Sex”

The section of the site on birth control is quite good but may be misleading to the inexperienced. I have had patients become pregnant using every method described here. “I can’t be pregnant, I have been ,,,,,,,” “.. on the pill,” “…certain he pulled out in time,” “….watching the calendar.” There is no perfect form of birth control and the more sophisticated forms are not applicable to the young, still forming body.

The “natural” approaches are good for many women. For teenagers, they are questionable, at best. For several years (3 to 5) after the period begins most women are irregular in both menstruation (obvious) and ovulation (hidden). This is because it takes the body several years to regulate its own hormonal levels. During this time there can be multiple ovulation during one cycle; ovulation can be at unpredictable times; pregnancy can even occur during menstruation. The natural approaches on the table are Billings, Body Temperature, Rhythm, Sympto-Thermal and withdrawal.

Withdrawal is as old as history and, in masses, does reduce the birth rate. In individual cases, it is not dependable. If sperm remain in the male urethra from an earlier ejaculation, they are being delivered right into the vagina. If over eager sperm precede the actual ejaculation, they go the same place. The male needs the discipline to pull when he most wants to push. A satisfying event for both partners is feeling the ejaculation while deep in the vagina. Any bare penis in an unprotected vagina is a prescription for eventual pregnancy.

The others are all variations on an ancient theme: no intercourse during the fertile period of the cycle. Sympto-Thermal, Body Temperature and Billings are, in order, more sophisticated and more effective than simply watching the date. For a 30 year old couple who wish natural intercourse and will tolerate waiting periods, these approaches are fine. For teenagers “getting it when they can” this can lead to taking chances. These approaches depend upon discipline, training and adhering absolutely to what the system tells you. And the systems do not take into account the unpredictability of the adolescent fertility cycle

The figures cited for “clinical studies” have been achieved in very limited tests with very high control. The Billings method, especially, can be effective but depends on a focused bit of medical knowledge and application that most of the population will ever learn. It is most effective with a partner who knows how to conduct the observation of the mucous

With the mechanical and chemical techniques, the table points out that there is a practical success rate lower than the theoretical success rate. For these natural methods, that practical rate may be as low as 50%. This should be stated. This is a level of risk that should not be taken by teens whose lives will be knocked into a cocked hat by a surprise pregnancy.

Shorty43 on “Mentioning Sex for the First Time”

Well, it is something important to mention at some point. I think the way you bring it up really depends on how far you've gone. I never talked about sex with my boyfriend, not once, and we were both OK with that. We started out as friends and then one night I fell asleep with him watching a movie, and it happened over and over. Then I went home with him for a weekend, a well we fell asleep in the same bed again and that's when things took off and we started playing around. About 2 months later we both looked at each other and just knew that was it.

I guess if I were you, I'd be upfront about sex, I wouldn't try to casually slip it into a conversation or anything. Do you know anything about how she feels about sex? Like, what is her reaction if you two are watching a movie and two people start to have sex? I think the way you approach her is going to be very much based on your girlfriend's personality.

Also, I know you guys have been together for a while now, but she is a few years younger than you, so before you venture into a sexual relationship make sure that you really do love her. Tell her you love her and mean it, kiss her, do things you know she likes, and something sweet on Valentine's Day. If she trusts you and knows that you are truly in love with her you bringing having sex should not cause stress.

Xx22xx on “Mentioning Sex for the First Time”

If you're mentioning sex, or bringing it up for that matter, there's NO reason at all to get upset. You can't not talk about it, that just won’t work. If you can't mention it, then you can't talk about it, then you can't get upset because you've never talked about it...you've got to start somewhere.

If she's not ready to talk about it, accept that and just tell her to say something when she is. She's got to be ready for it in more than one way...like mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever. I don't suggest doing it on Valentine’s Day, and if you change the way you're acting, and then talk about sex, she's going to see right through that and think that you're acting that way because you want sex. And I'm sure that's not true.

You also need to not only discuss sex, but what kind of birth control(s) you will use and consider what is practical and available to you. Don't forget to make sure you know how to use it.

In my opinion, I don't think you need to be in love to have sex. I'm not saying that you are, but sometimes that's what people think. It should be with someone you care deeply about.

Giudo on “Semen Production & Consistency”

Ejaculate remains in the sexual organs system for some time after sex, so you may lose a little more following sex.

Also, young males especially (assuming that you are) are veritable sperm machines, so your body will be in full production. Excess amounts may seep out or be lost in "wet dreams".

With regard to sperm consistency and texture. There are a few reasons why semen might have a different consistency, usually revolving around diet, exercise, or tightness of clothing around the genitals (tight pants or briefs). Exercising and wearing tight clothing can increase the heat of the scrotum, changing sperm motility and potentially, semen consistency as well.

All semen is initially relatively thick, and liquefies within about 20 minutes of ejaculation. The process of liquefying helps release the sperm to begin their journey toward an egg.

If you are also experiencing a discharge or pain with urination then it would advisable to see a doctor and be tested for infections of the urinary tract. However, changes in semen consistency alone are not considered abnormal or dangerous and this condition is probably natural. If you continue to be concerned, see a physician for a mind-easing check up.

26swvm on “Shaving Male Pubic Hair”

I have the same problem with hair on my unit. At first I wanted to get rid of it just to see what it felt like. Let's just say you won't want to go back to hairy again. I use a Bic shaver about every other time I take a bath. I highly suggest using a bath over a shower to do this, you're going to want to see your unit in a good light.

Fill the bath at a lower than normal water level, take your usual bath, then use a cream or body lotion on the area and thrust your pelvis up and out of the water. Let the unit hang towards your chest for shaving the underneath. Keep your unit limp.

I suggest shaving from the bottom up (scrotum to head) for the underneath, making it easier for your arms and to see. For the top just make sure you shave in straight strokes along the length. Make sure you use your other hand to keep the skin taught and wrinkle free. Also make sure that your shaver never moves sideways on your skin. If you do both of these carefully, you'll get a fine shave and no cuts.

?wiseman? on “Penis Size”

To begin with, you have what you have and there's nothing you can really do about it. If you're measurements are correct, you're of average to above average length and most of the females in this forum prefer their men in this range.

Your girlfriend's insensitivity is frightening and would lead me to believe that she may have some insecurities about her own body. One thought, is it at all possible that she's given your penis a "pet name" and you're interpreting it as an insult? Or has she come right out and accused you of being too small for her.

If that's the case, I wouldn't take too much flack from her before I would simply reply that if she didn't appreciate her "toy" a little more, you'll take it home and give it to someone else to play with.

Brandye on “Oral Sex”

You indicate nothing about age and, yes, that matters. The idea of taking a penis into our mouths takes some getting used to. Foreplay is more than just that. Many of us became expert at handjobs at an early age (no risk of pregnancy). While eventually many, probably most, women come to grips giving oral sex, some never do. If she has had a bad experience, she will hesitate to repeat it. Many young women have the perception that "getting in" is the best thing they can do for you.

After you eat her, ask her to do the same for you. She may or she may not. If not, you have something to talk about. She may not consider it clean or safe or she may simply think it tastes terrible. I think it tastes terrible but has other benefits that make it worthwhile for me to do. Perhaps jacking you off and seeing what goes on will be helpful; perhaps blowing you with a condom.

You are posting on the teen part and I assume that even if experienced, either of you may have a bit to learn. Be patient

Brandye on “Lubrication”

When you insert a penis into a vagina, it rolls the labia inside. If there is good lubrication you continue to slide in. If not, then there is a drag that will pull the penis skin tight and it would feel like you hit bottom.

Even lubricated condoms are not always enough and dry latex condoms can really be a problem. Latex is quite abrasive at a microscopic level. The plastic condoms are not.

Often during "bare" intercourse, the penis does not slide right in. Rather, one has to back off a bit and then push again. This is drawing lubrication from inside up to where it is needed.

Use lubricated condoms and I always recommend an applicator full of vaginal jelly inside first. Safer and gives plenty of lube.

ItalStall on “Male Puberty”

For boys puberty begins at an average age of 11 ½ or 12 years. The first sign is an increase in the size of the testicles. This is followed a few months later by the growth of pubic hair.

Puberty continues with an increase in the size of the testicles and penis and continued growth of pubic hair and underarm hair. Physical growth usually begins with an enlargement of the hands and feet and is later followed by growth in the arms, legs, trunk and chest.

Other changes include a deepening of the voice, an increase in muscle mass, and the ability to get erections and ejaculate. Some boys experience breast development. Boys undergo their peak growth spurt about 2-3 years later than girls.

As with overall body development, the timing and rate of penis growth can vary greatly from one individual to another, but will usually be in line with overall development.

Stephnaie083099 on “getting Her More Interested”

communication is a big part in a relationship, if you don’t have that then what do you have. You really need to talk to her, she is probably just scared or just doesn’t know what to do.

When I was new to sex, I was almost the same way, I didn’t know what to do, maybe you can tell her what you like and dislike so that when she does do something, she feels more confident in satisfying you because you told her what you like.

Just give it some time, she is just nervous.

Brandye on “The Hymen”

The hymen is an annular (circular) tissue around the edges of the vaginal entrance. It wears away or tears. Broken is a popular but inaccurate term for it.

In the modern world, many women have worn it away or torn it long before they attempt sex. Using tampons, masturbating, active sport, all help to tear it. For many, myself included, the first sex act has no pain not difficulty. In some women, with a rather tough hymen, there may be some incomplete tearing and it takes a few times. In unusual cases, the hymen needs to be slit. It takes ten seconds, is almost painless and solves the problem.

Tjdude on “Perfect First Time”

hmm, well, I guess any condom will be good, but my advice is that you should try those extra thin ones, because if you are not used to them, you won't feel a thing. Practice how to put them on until you do it like an expert, because it can kill the mood if you don't know how to do it, and you want to do it fast. I even recommend that you masturbate some times with the condom on, that way you'll know how to deal with it.

Remember to put some lube on the tip of your penis before putting the condom on and some more after, you'll need plenty of it, since it is the first time for both of you. Remember, don't go for the kill right away, you need lots and lots of foreplay, and then some more, try oral sex, most women really enjoy it (be really gentle down there).

And don't think too much about what will happen "when her cherry is popped", all women are different, if you read some of the posts in this forum you will find that for some women the first time was a great experience with no pain or bleeding at all while for some others it was a little less enjoyable experience.

DemonButtercup on “Perfect First Time”

TJ had some good points, only thing I might say is that he suggested a real thin condom or u wont feel anything this might be better for more experienced guys but if its your first time and u don’t want to finish too early then maybe a regular condom might be better to desensitize the area so that u just don’t cum right off.

like he also said its different for different girls... just make sure she is relaxed a lot of foreplay can help this also oral on her can help her relax and get her natural lubes going so that insertion is a lot easier.. Just take it slow and it should work out fine

Porphyriassong on “Perfect First Time”

My boyfriend and I had the wonderful opportunity of getting a hotel room for the entire weekend. He also got tips from a mutual friend of ours and it really worked.

1. Get her really excited, foreplay, oral, etc. Make sure she wants you and she's relaxed and open. She has to be thoroughly wet and totally wanting you.

2. Finger her first, use one, then two, then three then four so she's open and it will minimize pain in the actual act, maybe even break the hymen beforehand.

3. Go in slow and use a condom. One of you has to hold her open, and the other has to guide you in. Use the missionary position since it's the simplest and most common. You won't last long at all, no matter how you can last with a blow job or masturbation or whatever. You'll go quick.

4. Don't wait too long to try it again, 20 or more minutes is good so you can rest and build up. This time, have her on top. You'll last longer this way and you might not even be able to cum. This is what happened with us.

5. Have fun and if it doesn't go smoothly the first time don't give up!

Guido on Erection Problems

Far more likely is nerves and lack of experience. Most guys have some nervousness the first time or two, so don't worry.

The best advice (which you will see repeated many times by others on this Board), is take your time - don't just rush in, get to know each other's bodies without worrying about penetration, lots of foreplay & lubrication before you DO attempt penetration, and let her guide you in when she is ready!

Make sure the big head rules the little head, by relaxing the big head first using the above tips - the little head will then follow!

SammyMouse on “Being Nauseous”

Are you both new to sex? Are you the first person she has slept with?

When I first started having sex I used to feel really nauseas afterwards, I never went to the doctors, it went away.

I just put it down to all the emotions and hormones racing around when you first start having sex.

I'm 18 now, and first had sex when I was 15 and when I first had sex with my current man I felt it too, I think its nerves, hormones and the feeling of wanting to do it right for the man.

Don’t worry bout it. if it carries on for a while and you both get really worried then sure go see your doc, but I don’t think there is anything they can do, apart from tell u to stop having sex, which is no fun!

Golden Posts - Pleasing Women

2007-11-26T14:27:00.000-08:00

Following are actual posts from popular forum

Brandye on Anal Sex … who likes it?

I like to have it played with, especially during oral sex. I do not like a penis in there.

The anus is a one-way passage/ it is designed to hold everything in until you want to empty your bowels and then allow the stuff to come out. It is not designed to accept entering objects.

I have tried it and I find very uncomfortable. Many have suggested that I could get used to it and learn to like it. Medically, what that means is that the sphincter muscles would become stretched and relaxed. That could lead to incontinence problems in later life. That is they would not be tight enough to prevent continual leakage.

Anal intercourse involves tearing until you are stretched out. Given the germs in the area, this can easily lead to infections. I have treated some horrible urethral infections in men and the germs identified are always entero-bacteria. They can get there from any contact but anal sex is really pushing them into the male urethra.

OK, I am with SexGoddess, but many of you will continue. For anal intercourse, lots of lubrication and always, always, always use a condom.

Brandye on Anal Sex, can it do damage?

What you saw in the movie is what is actually happening to yours. In the long term, the best of the bad side effects will be a case of hemorrhoids.

The anus is designed as a one-way passage - out. It is not designed to allow anything in and lacks the elasticity of the vagina. Cuts and tears are common and these all provide an entrance for the abundant bacteria in the area. Virtually every act of anal sex results in some trauma (sorry, Sarduchi). Medically, anal sex is not a good idea.

Possible side issues: anal sex is not a good contraceptive technique. OK, the semen goes in a different place. Drainage, however, is much greater than from the vagina. Vaginal tissues absorb much of the semen. The rectum does not absorb so, eventually, all the semen, populated with the happy little sperm, drains only a centimeter or so from your vaginal entrance. Lots of them will find their way in.

Most urethral and prostate infections in men are caused by entero-bacteria. These are supposed to be in the intestines. There are many ways for them to end up in the male urethra, usually migration in damp undershorts, but anal sex crams them in the male urethra.

OK, so many do it anyway. Always use a condom. Always. Use plenty of water-based lubricant. The non-latex condoms are less abrasive than latex and the spermicidal lubricated ones should not be used. Bottom line (pardon the pun), know the risks and decide if it is worth it.

OK, lots of people do it. Will everyone have dire consequences? Depends on "dire”. The minimum permanent damage a regular can expect is a bad case of hemorrhoids. To get started will always cause damage. The anus is just not large enough to accept a rigid penis of normal girth and neither the skin nor the anal sphincters have the natural elasticity to accept that readily. In the French Lieutenants Woman, the classic line is "it only hurts the first time." That was addressing vaginal sex. Once the hymen is out of the way, everything else has the elasticity to accept what almost any man has to offer. The anus has no such disposable blockage.

Once the muscles are stretched, the pain stops and insertion becomes much easier. Forty years later, the muscles will be even looser. One of my patients told me, "Old age is when the dreams get drier and the farts get wetter”. Scots have a lovely way with words, but there is some truth to that. All else considered, loosening up the anal sphincters will be the difference between wearing diapers because of leakage. This will not show up at 30 or even 40. It will show up.

What she saw in the movie was the thrusting of the penis pulling and pushing the anal sphincters. You cannot fool the camera. The penis is pushing and pulling the end of the intestine, the rectum, in and out of the anus. That is causing hemorrhoids, at least. The more lube, the less push and pull, but it is still happening.

My other cautions regarding the remaining possibility of pregnancy and of urethral infections are not warning of "dire consequences”, they are merely statements of fact.

I enjoy anal play, especially while having cunnilingus performed. I do not accept anal penetration by a penis. Tried it once and we took the condom off and I worked some magic with my lips and tongue. I had lost interest in my own satisfaction.

Vette1963 on Anal Sex, can it do damage?

Seems some enjoy it others have to acquire it. like acquiring the enjoyment of fine scotch. my partner enjoys anal stimulation with and without penetration. there are a lot of nerve endings near the anus. if properly lubricated and in the mood a small dildo or butt plug seems to excite her and me. some times a butt plug with vaginal intercourse is a great way to enjoy a relaxful afternoon matinee for something different. I’m lucky we communicate well if she wants something that day we do it and visa versa. we are not into putting very large things in her anus or her vagina- anal sex is ok every once in a while but remember relaxation and lots and lots of lube.

Patientman on Oral Sex, and pain

Performing oral sex on a woman successfully takes some research. Doing it right will send your lady into outer space, and make her scream. Doing it wrong will make her close her legs and watch TV until you fall asleep, then finish the job by hand. (correct me if I'm wrong girls).

I've found that oral sex with a woman is divided into two distinct categories.

#1 stimulation - you have to keep in mind that with us about the only thing that needs to happen is stroking up and down. And the closer we come to orgasm the faster the stroking need to be until we finally erupt. Not so with women. Stimulation with women needs to be a culmination of slow and sensuous massaging, licking, and nibbling. This doesn't a lot of times have anything to do with the clitoris or vagina. It's the erogenous areas all over her body. This may take 30 min or longer to get a woman to the point of being ready to concentrate on an orgasm. What her body is doing during this process is starting to produce a constant amount of fluid that will lubricate her during step 2. It should also be said that unlike us, faster is NOT better. You should also be watching and paying attention to facial expressions and body movements this will tell you more than anything will.

#2 - The orgasm. After you have her exited enough to be consistently producing that sweet sweet liquid, you can start on the orgasm. Again, with us it's gripping it harder and stroking it faster. For a woman, it's not so much slow or fast, but consistent. My girl friend cums the hardest when I take my tongue slowly, lightly (but consistently) from her vagina dragging those sweet juices up and over her clitoris. The key is when you feel her starting to react and raise her hips up don't start going faster and harder. Keep the same slow light rhythm. Only after she is well into her orgasm do you do something different. Then sucking her clitoris into your mouth and lightly scraping it with your teeth will make her go through the roof. Keep on sucking it don't stop until she pushes your head back. Always go back to slow and easy. I do this 4 or 5 times before we have sex. Do this and you'll never have to worry about another man taking your place.

Brandye on Masturbation, why girls won’t

There is a clear relationship between the age of women beginning to masturbate and sexual satisfaction/interest later in life. The earlier we start playing with ourselves, the more interested we are likely to be later. Certainly, individuals overcome this, but this is the general pattern.

Religion, old-fashioned sex ed and all that stuff that tells kids (boys and girls) that it is not nice to touch yourself down there delays masturbation - especially in women. In boys, it builds up a head of steam and out it comes in a dream. That does not happen to women without some help.

I was raised that way and, even so, started fiddling with myself about the time my period started. Felt good but no great stuff until I accidentally had an orgasm. Then it became a weekly event for me and, naturally, I told my best friend about it. We used to masturbate together and 25 years later, still do sometimes.

Bottom line, your girlfriend is up tight about her own sexual feelings and is not likely to loosen up without professional help.

Patientman on Masturbation, why girls won’t

First of all, you have to start by talking. Most of us are taught that you just don't talk about sex, so this is one of the toughest things for some couples to overcome. I started by saying that I know this is really embarrassing and uncomfortable but I love you and I want every touch, kiss, caress, and movement to be the most wonderful thing we can experience together. It took patience and many smiles and eye gazes and kisses, but slowly we started to open up.

I started by having her just take my hands, fingers, and lips and guide them to the right places. Eventually, I asked her to show me how she touched herself. Again, this took patience and an understanding that she was taught that touching herself was wrong, and therefore should not be admitted to.

After we both admitted to masturbating, she slowly started to show me. Having enough trust in a person to allow them to watch you give yourself an orgasm is the most wonderful and sexually exiting thing we have ever done together. After many years now, we still masturbate during sex and it has become one of the biggest turn ons of our sex together. The key is lots and lots of patient honest conversation, and a willingness to wait for your partner to be at ease with you.

Brandye on Faking Orgasm

The famous scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally should be convincing. We girls can turn it on. You guys may never know the difference.

On the other side, I have had some wonderful, slow, lingering orgasms that would never bee seen as such outside my body. The male orgasm is pretty identifiable and if there is no ejaculate (except in some special situations), there was no orgasm. Every orgasm for every woman is a bit different from any others. Plus, we can be completely satisfied without an orgasm. I have had lovely times feeling him in me and loving his ejaculating deep inside me. Or I have had oral for lengthy periods that have little ups and downs but no crunching orgasm. Wonderful!

There are a few constants but I am not sure I should share our secrets with guys. Many women have involuntary nipple erections right after orgasm. I am one of those. Many of us have real muscle contractions most of the time. With a finger on the anus, it is very noticeable/

Bottom line: Quit worrying about our orgasms; they are ours. You are not responsible; we are. If we are satisfied and tell you so, do not be so hung up. Many of my greatest moments have been with women; some with men. They probably did not know exactly how great it was for me. Maybe I did not either for a day or two.

A man can be satiated without being satisfied. A woman can be satisfied without being satiated.

This yields two different world (sexual) views. Neither is right, wrong, good, or bad. Our hormones are different. And "wild pumping?" Where did that come from? I can be very happy holding him in me and receiving whatever he pumps out. I can also be happy with wild pumping. Too bad, but you guys have to figure out what we want at that moment. Or, surprise of surprises, talk to us about it.

ItalStall on cumming, difficulty with it

Everyone is different ... what feels great to one can be quite the opposite for another ... whatever body area or whichever gender you consider.

Also, a person's preferences can alter as play develops: some are sensitive to start, then can handle more intensity as they warm up; some warm up without undue sensitivity, but then become extremely sensitive as they approach climax.

The answer is to listen and observe your partners response and react accordingly. Heap it on or pull-back as required.

If your partner does not understand your needs, you should gently tell them (by word or by showing/directing them) as to what works for you. Don't assume that they can magically know what you like! They are (hopefully) doing their best already (and may be feeling quite frustrated and/or inadequate at not being able to please you fully); they just need feedback.

Figuring it out will mean a world of difference for you BOTH!

Guido on Sex after Orgasm, men & women

I am sure that (like most things) it is different strokes for different folks.

My partner cannot stand any further clitoral (or even breast) stimulation once she has orgasmed the first time - but she will come again (like an express train!) with penetration. It usually takes a lot longer and is less climactic for her with penetration first.

By the second time, indirect stimulation is often more than sufficient to give a second clitoral, as well as a "vaginal" climax. A case of "less is more"! - something us guys often tend to overlook in our own excitement.

Brandye is dead right in her comment about the importance of being kept "warmed-up" by cuddling in between - it gives her a breather, while keeping her up.

I guess the real point I am trying to make here is that every ones needs are different (and can be different at different times); so, be attentive to your partner’s responses and adapt your techniques to match. It is even better if you can get her to tell you what she likes (AND WHEN) so that you can take a lot of the guesswork out of it!

Skyclad on Orgasms from Sex, how to?

You are absolutely not alone in this situation mspersia. Most of the data I've read on the topic of female orgasm through penetration alone mentions that fewer than half of women experience orgasm from vaginal (as opposed to clitoral) stimulation. Asking the females in my own group of friends gave me similar results. Even the girls who do orgasm from the basic thrusting of intercourse don't climax every time that way.

Most women need some form of clitoral stimulation to climax. In my personal opinion, expecting most women to orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone isn't much more reasonable than expecting men to cum from a good scrotum massage. Sure, it's a heck of a good ride, but it just isn't going to get the job done most of time.

I don't have any personal experience with the G-spot cuz I haven't found mine either yet, but I do know that it's a LOT easier for me to cum from intercourse if I'm on top. If you haven't tried that position with your man, I'd definitely recommend trying it. In that position, it is very easy to either finger yourself or to grind yourself against his pubic bone, thereby giving you the clitoral stimulation that you need to get off while giving him one heck of a good show while you're at it.

So anyhow, like Guido said, just relax and enjoy the stuff that *is* giving you satisfaction. And hey, even with the frustration, I'd say you have one really great guy for him to take the time to make sure his lady gets off. As my girlfriends and I will attest to, there's a whole lot of guys out there who just don't give a rat's behind about the woman's satisfaction as long as they're getting theirs.

Girlygirl on Cunnilingus, trimming/shaving

I usually keep myself shaved. I used to think it was gross, cause it looks like a little girl's genitals, but now I think it's sexy--kind of like being extra naked. Also, I think it makes the labia more sensitive.

At least one person mentioned the problem of itching. The solution to this is simple: just shave with the hair instead of against it in the places where it itches (usually just the pubic mound, maybe the inner thighs), and you will get almost no itches. You can't get as clean a shave this way, so shave against the hair in areas that don't give you problems.

Brandye on Help stop the Pain! Penis too big

There is probably some issue other than the size of his penis. Almost all vaginas can accept almost all penises with no problem. OK, I like medium sized and not too stiff best but I have never been overwhelmed. Sorry guys, that is the way it is. If a seven-pound baby can get out, a quarter pound penis is no threat.

Let's look at the easiest first. Until a woman develops a real desire, there is usually not enough lubrication. Grease it up! Get an Ortho II starter kit and use a whole applicator full leaving a little bit to lube the outer entrance. You will want to do this after any oral play.

Secondly, you may have a particularly tough hymen. It takes ten seconds for your doctor to correct this. When I do initial pelvic exams for young women, I sometimes ask if she wants it done to eliminate problems later. It is not common but not unusual either. Yes, you can do stretching but in really tough cases, a little touch is helpful.

As you experience pain, it tenses you up and makes it both worse and more likely to occur next time. Most women are most relaxed and receptive immediately after orgasm. That is a good time to take him in. Relax.

Your idea about position is a good one. With you on top, you have more control and will be able to pace things. The bonus is that many men last longer when their bodies are not tensed up holding themselves over you.

Following certain surgeries women use increasing diameter stents, plastic, teflon or stainless, to stretch themselves without doing damage. You need not buy an expensive set of stents but may want a collection of candles of increasing diameter. Put a condom over them if you want. And use lubrication. K-Y or similar water based "personal lubricant" is easy to clean up and has no characteristic smell.

Xx22xx on Fingering, Enjoyable time for girlfriend

Aright...start to finish as you wish...

start out with kissing/making out and holding each other...make it seem like you're NOT in it JUST for the hookup, make sure she's relaxed and where you're somewhere that no one's going to walk in/see you. then as you're making out, shift into a position that it will be easy access for you and comfortable for her...take your time, and make sure you run your hands over every part of her body, especially the inside of her thighs and her chest, to make sure she'll be wet when you actually get to fingering her.

The easiest way is obviously with her pants off, but assuming this is her first time too, she may not be very comfortable not having most of her clothes on in front of you. And assuming that, then I found that one of the easiest ways for both guy and girl is for the guy to be sitting up (this works best on a couch type thing) and leaning back with the girl laying down (horizontally obviously) with her head/mostly the upper body in the guys lap...this girl has her knees bent with her legs spread, and her pants only need to be unbuttoned it's a turn on if the girl starts with her legs together and the guy slides his hands in between her thighs and rubs her entire 'area' over her pants.

Then he unbuttons her pants and undoes the zipper/whatever (we're not going to think you're retarded if you need both hands to undo our pants, cuz we do to) so anyway, then repeating rubbing her entire area over her panties, then finally doing it without anything in between your hand and her. I found that it feels best if the guy then VERY slowly slides one finger between the lips, and puts it inside just a little, enough to get it wet, press it gently on her as you pull out, and keep moving upwards until you feel her clit...then circle it.

After you do that, put your finger back inside of her, move it in and out slowly for maybe a minute or so, and try to spread her 'wetness' around her entire area so if you rub a different way it won't be dry and hurt her. Then she should be wet enough that you can put two fingers in, possibly three but don't push it, remember to watch her body language, if she's arching her back or raising her hips, she likes it a lot. so when you have the 2 (possibly 3) fingers inside of her, it feels better to go a little faster (in and out), just don't be rough and don't ignore her clit...teasing it feels realllllllly good. and if u've been doing it for awhile, then pull your hand out of her pants, and rub her outside of her pants, then go back in to give you and her a rest for a little while.

In the future, being in this position will be good for you because her head and hands are in easy reach of guess what!! Your dick!! so all you need to do is just take her hand and put it on your dick, over your pants to start, and show her how to rub it...and then for oral sex a little later on, all you have to do is roll her head to the side, and it's easy for her to swing around to being in front of you on her knees.........good enough??

Vette1963 on Oral/Fingering Ladies

Fingering and oral are a self-taught art - differs girl to girl. I have found out that if you take time and rub her mound of pussy hair for a while they tend to warm up. Gentle pressure on the mound and move your hand around - star at the bottom of her stomach use your whole hand almost like a massage on the outside of her pussy. then slide your middle finger over her clit to the actual hole and move it in and out like a swinging door that is attached at the top - just barely catch the bottom of the hole as you going in very shallow strokes in and out. she should be or getting pretty wet by now - now try sticking a finger or two in her and if you can change positions so your head is at her feet turn you hand palm up and insert your finger try to find a spot or rough surface on the inside of her on the outer wall - with any luck you will have found her G-Spot massage it gently. Circular or up and down motion on the spot should get her pretty hot. Don’t get upset if you don't find it the first time some are smaller than others and maybe hard to find but when you do both of you will know. As far as oral goes - spread her pussy lips and expose the clit or the clit hood your objective her is to massage the clit with your warm and wet tongue - you may have to get under the hood of the clit depending on her level of excitement - just gently move the foreskin/hood around. Massage her pussy lips with your thumb and forefinger there are lots of nerve endings in the lips that we males don't pay much attention to or forget to. The whole pussy region is full of nerve endings that when stimulated adds to the pleasure.

Risky on Orgasm, can’t get her there

Hey man it's all about communication and understanding your partner’s reactions. Don't be afraid to ask her what she likes or to take advice from her. Let her show you what she like and pay attention to what she likes because no one knows her body than her. Try stimulating her more than just one way at a time, but by all means don't stop something that she likes (except if your teasing), but add to it so if for some reason one isn't working you have something to fall back on. Stimulating the G-spot is always a plus, but not all girls are familiar with the feeling it makes them feel like they have to pee, so some girls will hold back the feeling and that just ruins everything. They must relax and let go. Try toys too, like maybe a vibrating egg on her clitoris while you stimulate here G-spot. It just takes time for some people to learn their partner and understand what they need. So be observant and communicate.

Brandye on Peeing during sex, my g/f feels like she has to

A very common problem. There is a lot of action going on there and pressure on both the bladder and urethra can cause an intense need to pee whether or not there is actually urine ready to drain.

You will note in many of the discussion of G Spots, many women develop an intense need to pee while the G Spot is being sought - with the same results your girlfriend has. I probably ran to the loo two dozen times the first time we went looking. Same for my girlfriend. The front surface of the vagina is just behind the urethra and the pressure stimulates a feeling of needing to urinate.

Now, the whitish liquid. Could be discharge from the Cowpen's glands - sometimes thought of as female ejaculation. Also possibly indicates a slight urinary infection. Most of us experience urinary tract infections from time to time, whether or not we are sexually active. Sexually active women are slightly more prone but no rational doctor would make that a big deal. We see them every day in both men and women.

She should get it checked out. Simple urethritis is treatable with a regimen of anti-biotics; left untreated, there can be bad results.

Druid on Can Girl have Orgasm without Cumming?

Quote (pennylane @ Jan. 09 2003,13:30)

...I'm quite sure I orgasm but my partner doesn't believe me because nothing much comes out of me, well I'm guessing that's why he thinks I'm not orgasming...

Ask him ask him ask him ask him ASK HIM!

If you're in a sexual relationship where he doesn't believe what you tell him and you guys can't have a conversation about it, then that should be waving one heck of a giant red flag in your face. Gee let me think, "there's no communication, an obvious lack of trust, and we don't know anything about our own bodies..." sounds like a good relationship in dire need of more sex to me, right? WRONG.

After reading your posts in other topics as well, my advice to you has to be to keep your pants on until you've gained relationship skills and become informed enough about your own body (and his) to make mature decisions. Continue to ask questions and to read everything you can get your hands on (this site is a huge help). Go to Planned Parenthood and talk to the doctors there. Learn as much as you possibly can. Then start having sex if you feel you're ready for it, not before. Please don't hop into bed without knowing what you're doing just because he says you should, or because it feels good, or because everyone else has you fooled into thinking they're doing it too. Whether you're 13 or 30 when you start having sex, if you start before you're truly ready you'll end up regretting it down the road and that would be a tragedy.

Brandye on G Spot, Finding it

There are many questions here about “fingering”, “rubbing.” etc, when playing with girlfriends’ genitals. Perhaps both men and women here would be interested in some facts regarding what is euphemistically called “female sexual response”. There are chapters and sites that describe total response in great detail – mask on the face, blushing on upper chest, nipple erection, myotonia (muscle tensing) and so on. These things are all real but differ greatly among women. Here is a description of what is going on in your (her) genitals.

Firstly, the action is not inside the vagina. There are no nerve endings in there or childbirth would be excruciating. What is felt is pressure on the vulva, the labia and, even, some internal organs? “Feeling him come”, is accurate but not the way we think it is. We do not feel the ejaculate squirting into us; what we feel, sometimes, is the throbbing of the penis against our outer parts. This does not mean that we do not have a sense of “depth” but it is from other responses than feeling the penis in the sheath we provide.

But, you ask, “What about the G Spot?” The G Spot is not medically documented. OK, I know I have one but it eludes complete medical explanation. Probably the best explanation, scientifically, is that there is a ligament running behind where we describe the G Spot. This is being pushed around, gently, and causing response, including moving the urethra and, even, the hood of the clitoris. The G Spot is one of those elusive things that is as much faith as science. It takes regular partners a while to make it really work.

So, let’s forget about physically pleasing women with fingers stimulating her vagina. A quarter inch does as much as three inches penetration. The pleasant feelings are on the labia, not inside. The clitoris is the focus. And you men will be amazed to know that we often feel assaulted on this little protuberance rather than stimulated. She includes all the nerve endings that the penis has scrunched into a really small bundle.

Now, what is happening with all this stuff as we become stimulated? The labia become engorged with blood. This causes opening or spreading of the vulva. “Opening like a flower”, is a beautiful description. Everything that becomes exposed is usually neatly closed within and protected from stimulation. Unlike the penis which is battered by pants seams and other external jolts all day, our stuff is bundled up, hidden away and protected from external stimulus. So, when exposed this is a very sensitive area with all the now shiny and damp surfaces picking up every touch and movement. The engorgement of the area makes it even more sensitive because everything feels full and slightly distended. Be gentle.

While the labia spread open, they become lubricated and “receptive”. And give access to the clitoris as well as the vaginal opening. Here is the complicated part. The clitoris goes through three distinct phases in arousal. It starts out well hidden and protected under its hood. As the area becomes engorged with blood, the clitoris becomes erect, the same as a penis. At this point, we are all different and care must be taken or the game is over. Some remain covered with just the tip peeping out; some become larger and quite exposed. The part that is exposed is very sensitive and can barely tolerate direct stimulation in many women. As orgasm approaches and the clitoris becomes hypersensitive, she actually retracts. She is not losing the erection, but the entire organ is retracted into the body. This is a confusing thing to the inexperienced. The clitoris is at her most sensitive but more pressure and rigorous treatment is needed simply because the clitoris has sought “protection”.

Just as the penis loses erection, at least partially, immediately after ejaculation, the entire genital area of the woman begins to "resolve” after orgasm – the blood is going about its business elsewhere and the distention disappears. The clitoris loses erection, the labia get small and the vulva closes over everything returning to its “natural” state. The entire body relaxes.

This now becomes more personal experience than medical fact because each woman is unique and the way we move through the stages of response may differ greatly from one time to another. Assuming a nice session of hugging, kissing, breast play, and general getting ready, when you reach into my crotch, I spread without thinking. Start with your whole hand covering the entire pubic area. And rub gently and firmly and then take my lead. Maybe I will be in the mood for some finger dipping; maybe not; my movements will tell you because I may not even know what I want next. While the clitoris is erect, do not assault her; a finger on either side moving the hood up and down will probably be enough. When I really arch up, then pressure with a finger can be tolerated and I am looking for more.

While male sexual response is just as complicated, what is wanted is more obvious and easily supplied. Women are confusing to ourselves as well as to men. A hard suck on the head of the penis will bring the same reaction in most men. A firm tongue flick across the clitoris may have unpredictable consequences.

Women have more subtle responses and so tend to be more subtle in our treatment of men, leaving them a bit unsatisfied; men are less subtle in their responses and often rush to the wrong things – such as jamming a finger into us or battering the clitoris, leaving us a bit unsatisfied.

Because we are so different, I am certain that many women will add to this and there may be as much dialogue among women as between women and men. There is much to be learned from “masturbating” one another. The responses can be seen; communication can be verbal as well physical. It is great fun, can give great orgasms and no one will get pregnant!

?wiseman? on Understanding her, How can I pleasure her better?

Panda, I too have been married for a long time (17yrs) and while sex is not as frequent with my wife, it is still extraordinary. You don't mention if your wife has always preferred "straight sex" over heavy petting or if her tastes have changed over the years.

If you're household is anything like mine, simply finding the time and energy to have sex on a regular basis is a challenge. Again, not knowing too much about your circumstances, here are my thoughts.

Being with one partner for so long can result in a pattern of sexual practice. As such, your wife may feel that she gets the most satisfaction from intercourse so she simply wants to "get to it and get it over with”. You say that she enjoys sex, but has trouble relaxing. Is it possible that you're moving a little too quickly and she doesn't get the chance to relax?

If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion. Try and "schedule" a few hours out of your busy schedules on a weekend. Ask the neighbors or a friend to watch the kids if you have them and let your wife have a little downtime. Find a nice movie, something that you think she'll like, and sit down with her to watch it. Don't let her worry about the laundry or any other normal activities. Make it HER day.

Toward the end of the movie, run her a nice warm bath and light some candles. Again, reinforce that this is HER time to relax. While she's relaxing in the bath, light some candles in your bedroom, warm some oil and put on some soft music.

When she exits the bath, take her by the hand and lead her to the bed. Now, one of two things will happen. She'll go with the moment, or she'll hesitate. If she hesitates, be OK with that. Let her relax and you go do the chores that she would normally be doing. If she's interested in seeing where you're going with this, reinforce, again, that this is HER day.

Now, give her a slow, luxurious full body massage. Let her direct you. Ask her what feels good. Gently explore her body and take note of what she responds to and what she does not. TAKE YOUR TIME! Gently caress her breasts, buttocks, thighs, hands, face and feet. Don't let her try to engage you. This is her time. Talk to her. Ask her what she likes. Ask her what she wants you to do.

The point is- Focus all your energy on pleasing her and most importantly, pay attention to her queues- COMMUNICATE.

Xx22xx on Where does a Guy Start?

#1) Yes, you start with making out. You know the whole baseball metaphor, (1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base…) so just follow that. Each base is more of a turn on and a step further as you move around the ‘diamond’. So, by the time you get to 3rd, or ‘hand sex’, fingering, or jerking off, both partners should be turned on pretty well. There’s nothing more important than taking your time. As for moving your hand down to her pants, work up to it. Or more like down to it. Most likely you’ll be feeling her up, so your hands will already be on her body. Just kind of move them all over the place, down to her legs and up the insides of her thighs. A good idea before fingering is to rub her outside of her pants, then undo her pants, and rub her outside of her underwear, and then finally rub her skin to skin. As for techniques on doing this, click here: Oral/Fingering Ladies

#2) When you finger a girl, there is no set position. It would be nice if your face was near hers so you could kiss, or so you can hear her breathing.

#3) Like I said in #1, click here: Oral/Fingering Ladies and here: Sounds of Pleasure. Keep in mind that it's different for every girl.

#4) You may not even be ‘ready’ to just kiss. It’s all depending on who the partners are and how comfortable they are together. It does happen that if you’ve been fingered before, or done anything else before, and it comes up again, you may not want to do that, and you should respect that.